btw, i should make it obvious this is an LDR - yeah, this isn't my first one, and i know about the baggage that comes with being so seperated - she is in europe, and i'm in america; however, this stretches a bit beyond distance.

we've been speaking for a little over a month, and things were amazing, even with a lot of anxiety and paranoia along the way since we both had our feet dipped in the water looking for others. she cut off people for me, and i dropped two girls that swore their undying love for me until the day they die. these are two girls that i've convinced to not kill themselves, and they couldn't live without me talking to them at least everyday, and constantly shower me in gratitude and gifts to show for it.

about two weeks ago, the woman i'm currently with had an internet outage. of course, i was a little annoyed at her isp especially since they've been shaky in the past, but i thought nothing of it.

then, they kept saying that the internet would be brought back "the following day", and for six days, they gave her this excuse ad nauseam, citing different causes such as a lack of hardware or it not being delivered on time. and with every passing day, i became more anxious and worried. our relationship was heavily built upon spending every waking moment with each other - writing, playing, and just generally talking. i felt a growing detachment clawing at me by the second or third day - all we had was reduced to conversation and nothing else while we were blooming so quickly with our shared passions.

it got to the point where, after she told me her internet came back, that i felt.. nothing. actually, i felt a sincere worry. during the outage, she always said she was worried that i'd stop caring about her, since we were very open about our paranoia and concerns - and of course i'd dissuade her.

cont.

the thing is... i'm not completely emotionally detached. i feel anger, sadness, i laugh a lot, and i'm still a fairly amiable person in conversation. it's just that the ability to love someone seems to be a switch i cannot turn on on my own, that it has a mind of its own.

i've tried thinking about the two girls i dropped for her, and i felt nothing about loving them. hell, i felt so insanely strongly about her that i was willing to drop two girls that meant the world to me, and got me out of a toxic relationship over the winter. and i felt little to no regret leaving them behind, because i knew what i had in this woman.

she still turns me on, i still happily refer to her as my girlfriend around others, and i've been brought to tears from the thought of ever telling her otherwise, or being away from her life in any capacity. even a week ago, she told her mother who worries about her greatly, that she finally met "someone great" in light of all the trash she has dated or slept with, and i couldn't keep myself together and just lost it from joy.

i've been personally thinking about writing down a reasons of why i love her, and why i should be / am so attracted to her, and perhaps revisiting these as a sort of mantra. i would give anything to have the relative emotional stability i had before her outage.

we discuss EVERY SINGLE ANXIETY we have with one another - even the most irrational ones (a friend of hers exchanging a few lines with me and her worried shes flirting with me, etc) and we're nothing short of receptive and thoroughly understanding of our hesitations.

tl;dr i'm in love with someone, and severe paranoia is making me emotionally numb to it more often than not.

sorry about the first line of the first reply being a repeat - obviously had to partition things and i messed up there.

i'll be here all day to ask any questions. anything and everything is immeasurably appreciated and observed, and every trace of empathy and kindness, i am grateful for.

>>18509754
LDR are unhealthy. I had one with this chick and we would always say how cool it would be to meet each other. However I am a cheapass and had no intention of ever meeting her even though I do have money.

Protip: meet some chicks in ur area, there are over 7billion ppl on this planet and the majority of them are female

>>18509753
OP, the fact that it took you 3 posts to type all this out means that whatever advice we give you, it likely will end up in failure

>>18509776
i would like to think otherwise - i've made longer posts about other, mental-illness related topics and i've had nothing but great responses and ultimately, shedding or waning that part of me.
>>18509774
lol, my man a day or two into those hookup/anon apps and i'm deep into a few girls. i've had irl relationships, the high-school sweethearts, people that supposedly couldn't make it without me. this isn't my first time in an ldr situation, and more often than not i've had great things come from them. this is just an anxiety i've never had, and it's the fact i can't feel anything about anyone sometimes, not just her. but i understand your concern - i've had terrible ldr experiences in the past that have extremely disinterested me in doing them in the future.

Your relationship and your approach to it sounds so unhealthy.

>>18509795
this is the most unraveled, and most convinced i've ever felt about anything.

of course it's unhealthy. i did counseling for many years and psychiatry for the latter half of those years - all which gave minimal / no result. every relationship i've had has been a test of facade - however long the other person was willing to not discuss what was concerning them, or the anxieties they held.

for the first time in my life, i feel safe with someone. we both know we do so much for the other that can't be found elsewhere. me playing to my bouts of detached depression would be a disservice to what we are. we don't fight, or have any conflict, and everything is talked out and reinforced with confidence and comfort.

Well OP. It seems like you have amazing and deep relationships with anyone you cross paths with, but are still willing to abandon them for the next big thing. When are you going to find a new girl to abandon your current girl over?

>>18509997
i still maintain close contact with them, and i was never in a relationship with either of them. we were there for each other when we needed it most, particularly when my then gf was mentally abusing me and they were there as the repose i needed.

they both know my situation and they fully support me, and i keep in touch daily.

It looks like you're romanticize things way too much, don't strive to the idea of a perfect match, someone who can't be replaced, because this turns into dependence, and this kills relationships pretty often.

>>18509753
That's a fucking solid album, mate. You don't need this board.

>>18511136
my fucking man.

typing this out blasted as shit listening to ocean machine front to back.

also everything worked out with the girl lol.

bless you, man. i've posted here in the past with assorted devy albums and this is the first i've seen of it get reckoned. you're amazing.