Why is the advice for people who find themselves unsuccessful

Also, the part about doing it "for its own sake," and not have it motivated by wanting to find an intimate relationship... how does that work? If the very thing that's sparking this is the goal of having a relationship, how do you just decide that this isn't the reason you're doing it?

I also get this sense that there is a lack of sympathy in tone. Being frustrated with not being able to have romantic relationships makes one "desperate." The tone is essentially "why do you care so much? Why are you so hung up on this?" You'll get the lectures about how "having a GF/BF won't fix all your problems," even when nobody ever implied that it would. If somebody expresses frustration with not having something else they really want in their lives, the response isn't "stop caring about that, it won't fix your problems," because people understand that nobody thinks achieving those goals will fix all their problems, it would only fix that particular one. If somebody is concerned with getting into grad school, nobody says "it's not like getting into grad school will solve all your problems; I mean, you'll still have depression." The same people who talk about how much their partners mean to them and obviously enjoy being in relationships and feel that their lives would be missing something had they not met that person, seem to downplay the value placed on romantic relationships when it comes to somebody who doesn't have one, but wants one.

Nobody is arguing that romantic love is as essential to life as food, water, and oxygen. But it is a thing that the vast majority of people consider important to their lives. Why is there that tone of patronizing shaming toward people who make this a goal? Why is it any less legitimate than any other goal, like career goals, or travel, or owning a home, or publishing a novel?

Is this advice even coming from people who have employed it and succeeded?

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The advice isn't to make you feel better. It's to make themselves feel better.

It makes them uncomfortable to see somebody so miserable, they have to find some way to convince themselves that it's all going to work out for you so that they can go on with their day.

It's like when you see a person in a wheelchair or a deformed person and avoid interacting with them not out of contempt for them, but rather to avoid thoughts of the harsh reality that such suffering exists.

>>18498755
Makes sense (thoughtfully rubs chin)

>>18498673
Because if sounds like your putting too much emphssis on needing a relationship to be happy. How are you getting this advice otherwise unless you're seeking it out? A relationship won't make you happy. You need to learn how to be content with yourself in life without one first. If you don't then you and whatever poor sap you engage in a relationship will be miserable and doomed to failure. Half the people out there dating somebody are miserable because of this.

>>18498755

that may be the reluctant reason people give who weren't genuinely interested in helping, or are afraid to admit simply 'they don't know.'

>>18498673
>It seems that the internet advice of "become good enough" only reinforces that low self-esteem, no?

its because overwhelmingly people who are looking for answers (especially by the time they come here) are exhibiting low self esteem. And the only way you can address low self esteem is to address your inner image of yourself. It makes perfect sense.

>>18498676
>Also, the part about doing it "for its own sake," and not have it motivated by wanting to find an intimate relationship... how does that work? If the very thing that's sparking this is the goal of having a relationship, how do you just decide that this isn't the reason you're doing it?

Its not to run contrary with the idea, goofball. its to run concurrently with your goals.

if you set them up to be in opposition of eachother, you're likely to fail at both because you'll judge it to be futile.

>>18498676
>Nobody is arguing that romantic love is as essential to life as food, water, and oxygen. But it is a thing that the vast majority of people consider important to their lives. Why is there that tone of patronizing shaming toward people who make this a goal? Why is it any less legitimate than any other goal, like career goals, or travel, or owning a home, or publishing a novel?

now that is a good question. for some its a political worldview, especially that whole mgtow stuff with men, but also feminists who look down on motherhood and family building in women.

I don't have a good answer for that one, other than to say, who gives a fuck.

>>18498673
I was once in your position OP. Honestly the less you care about getting into a relationship, the more it kinda just happens. I just focused on improving myself and girls just 'happened'. Also dating is much like exercise, you need to do it a lot to be good at it. I started off really bad at it but before I ended up in a relationship I was juggling girls and the anxiety of dating was completely gone.

Basically focus on bettering yourself for yourself, not for dating.