I can't stand myself anymore. I am a coward and a failure,

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My life has so many moments of disrespect that I have lost count. No one ever respected me, even my closest relatives treat me like garbage. I got bullied in high school, got picked on in college.

People always laughed at me, I guess I look like a nerd? idk. Girls showed interest in me because they thought i could be useful for homework, but besides that they would pretend not to know me outside of class. They would look the other way or do whatever they could to avoid me.I once got room mates with a literal midget (3 ft tall), even he bullied me calling me stupid and laughing at me, whistling me to shoo off.

I do so much to improve myself, but nothing matters. Deep down I am a scared little bitch boy. I freeze up because no one ever took my side in an argument or sided with me. If something goes wrong, i am always the one at fault - its always me. All alone.

Now take a recent example. I go to a coffee place everyday and usually people take my order. Then this pretty girl who works there flirted with me, trying to sell me something. I was not interested in it so i politely declined. But since i am an autist i didn't make small talk and just politely walked away.

Then today I run into her again (she's one of the 12 people who work there). She ignores me completely, and I ofcourse get scared shitless because the thought of her showing interest in me kills me. Its like i am a frozen chicken. Anyways I walked away and she said " have a great day".

Sitting outside in my car, I just felt so beaten and tired man. I just felt like giving up on everything. I have completely and utterly lost, at everything =/. I don't know why i was even born.