I've been stressing over this so much I haven't slept.

>>18468327
Eat a lot for the 2 days before, drink a ton of water the day of, you'll be fine.

>>18468340
Many thanks brother. I really do hope you're right, for my sake.

>>18468364
I was in the same drug test position and I passed.

Eat nothing for a few days. Kick your body into survival mode so it conserves as much fat as possible, this is where the THC gets stored. When you burn fat, it gets released with it into your blood/urine - the idea is to make your body stop burning fat and to hold onto it. Start this 5 days before the test and do it for three days, drinking only juice. No solids. If you can, work out too. This will be a living hell and you will want to quit and say fuck it, whatever happens will happen. Ignore this - this is your body's survival mechanism kicking in. You are starving. Your body will invent ANY reason to get more food, thats its job. These 3 days will easily be the hardest 3 days of your entire life - just remember your end goal and endure the hardship and you will overcome. 3 days of suffering is worth a lifetime of an excellent career.

2 days before the test, eat like a fucking fatass. Eat til it hurts, then eat some more. Just fucking gorge. Do absolutely zero physical activity, just be the fattest, laziest piece of shit ever. Your body will still be in starvation mode, so it will be absorbing/using the fat you consume with great efficiency rather than touching any of the fat you have stored. The idea is that since your body is clinging to your bodyfat for survival still, and because you are now taking in fat/energy, none of the THC still in your body will get released, as the fat thats holding it isnt being burned. DO NOT WORK OUT OR DO ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY WHATSOEVER.

You also need to use the diute method in conjuction with this. Start taking B vitamins and creatine supplements now. Follow the directions. 2 days before the test, continue the B vitamins as normal but double the creatine over the daily suggested amount. Drug tests have controls to spot dilution - vitamin B gives your urine color, while creatine is the control they test for to see if you diluted or not. The extra creatine you ingested will trick the test into thinking you arnt diluting.

>>18468386
Or just get someone to pee in a vial, wrap it in a hand-warmer, and substitute. My gf did this for my dream job, worked like a charm.

>>18468386

Cont

You want to have the urine being tested be at least your third piss of the day. Wake up early to chug gatorade/water. Take your b vitamins and creatine - remember that you must start taking the creatine at least 2 days prior to the test for it to work. Piss at least twice before the test, this makes sure youre nice and washed out. When you take the test, take urine from mid-piss. Like pee into the toilet, then into the cup halfway thru, then finish in the toilet. The mid piss is your cleanest piss, so thats the piss you want them to test.

If you followed all of these directions, youll pass. Your piss should be clear and lacking the proper threshold of creatinine (byproduct of creatine your body creates) which would mean you failed. But because your a good boy and took your supplements, itll be a nice yellow tint and have enough creatine to pass with flying colors. As for the THC, since your body is still clinging to fat rather than burning it, you wont have that much THC in your blood/urine to begin with, as fat isnt being burned to release it. Whatever THC is in your piss, wont be detected, because you diluted your piss.

Good luck. Maybe this is overkill, but do you want to risk it? Thats your call. What is certain is that this is your absolute best strategy to pass a urine test without being flagged for a retest due to dilution.

>>18468388

Works great, but some labs/test facilities will have a person standing behind you or listening thru the door of the stall, making this risky. They also will pat you down/empty your pockets, and will check the toilet when youre done.

If they suspect you did this, you wont fail. Theyll just tell you to wait an hour and do it again with new piss, which you wont have because you used it already.

>>18468340
Maybe, maybe not. I'm ottermode and I run distance and lift and swim, if i smoke one joint it's three weeks for me regardless of what I do.

>>18468403
Which is why the only way to guarantee you piss clean is to cath yourself before the test and empty your bladder, then Cath yourself again and squeeze a bag full of clean urine in. Piss in the cup and don't drop it. This is how pharmacists and anesthesiologists do it.

>>18468415

Yup.

Simply doing the dilution method will give you a good chance of passing. Id say the majority do pass with this alone. But not all do. Are you willing to take that risk of not passing? It all comes down to how bad you want the job. If you want it but are ok with the possibility of not getting it, go ahead and just dilute. But if you NEED this job, and failure is abso fucking lutely not an option - do the whole strategy listed above. With only ~1 week until the test, its the best possible strategy you can do this late in the game. If you had 2-3 weeks, there is more you could be doing, but you dont have that kind of time.

>>18468419

Yeah that would work but you would need to ensure the piss is 100% sterile or you will have a massive infection on your hands. I suppose if youre an anesthesiologist making 400 grand a year, an infection is well worth the risk to avoid losing your job and 10 years of med school.

>>18468433
Nah, they just send you for substance abuse training, but it goes on your record and against your license. Do it enough times and you have to go to rehab to get your license back. It fucking sucks.

>>18468442

Amazing how these people who literally have others lives in their hands are given all these slaps on the wrist and second chances while those who have jobs that are quite inconsequential in the grand scheme of things get BTFO right off the bat.

Really activates my almonds.

>>18468448
Don't get me started. I worked in IT in a pharma company who hired mostly pharmacists to do their clinical trial materials. They had all kinds of stories of shit people get up to in the profession. They say the worst thing that happens to you is you have to go back and work at Walgreens, unless your literally top chronically stoned to do your job.

>>18468386
>>18468399
>>18468424
Thanks so much, I'll start fasting TODAY. I'll pick up creatine and Vitamin B today as well. I'll probably run for the three days but not anything huge. Just to get me dribbling sweat. I think I can do three days, I've fasted for two before and It wasn't that dreadful. I need this job, this is the last thing I have. Thanks for all the comments, I felt like my last hope was buying a fucking wizzinator or just suffering the consequences of my actions.
You all have no idea how much you've comforted me.

>>18468494

Just make sure you break the fast 2 days prior, double your creatine intake, and eat like jabba the fucking hutt. That parts is equally important to the fast itself.

This stuff is also quite documented and you can get more info/specifics on google. I just went thru something similar (keto/atkins diet) to cheat a drug test and attest it works great. The tests arent an end all - you can do amazing things to your body to change the chemistry of your urine to suit your needs.

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It seems like you've gotten all of the advice in the world you could need about how to cheat the test, but what I'd like to say is...

What. The. Fuck?

Seriously, you KNOW you were unemployed, you KNOW money was tight, and you KNOW many jobs drug test. How fucking worth it is smoking a fucking joint? You can't put the weed down while you're unemployed so you can find a fucking job and make sure you can afford food?

I don't give a shit if people smoke weed. Enjoy it. But it's the total lack of discipline and foresight that baffles me.

>>18468569
In /adv/ we don't really care how someone got lost in the woods, we just help them get out. Have you thought about /r/relationships on plebbit for this sort of comment?

>>18468590

That is the most untrue thing I've ever heard in my time posting on here.

>>18468606
Then you need to lurk more. Normally people who come here to abuse the OP who only came for advice on whatever terrible decisions they've made get told to leave.

Actually, when I originally called about the job I had one. I was relativley stable. And once I learned they were going to test me I stopped immediately. I've been clean for two weeks as of Friday. And I only asked bacause I'm still showing positive for THC. I didn't know what else to do so I asked here.

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>>18468590
Holy shit you're retarded, a faggot, and a redditor to boot.

Kill yourself fuckboy

>>18468644
Have you been drinking water, exercising, and taking supplements and all that? I am in the same position but I just quit today, bought a detox kit, and have about 2 weeks before the test. I am gonna try everything and just get synthetic stuff if I am not clean in time. This is supposedly the most effective:
http://www.testnegative.com/synthetic-urine/sub-solution

>>18468610

I've been posting on this board since its inception man, you're still wrong.

90% of the threads here devolve into calling OP a fucking idiot. Especially when they deserve it.

>>18468746
That's because 90% of the threads here are garbage and OP is an actual idiot for even asking the question.