How do you stop basing all your self-esteem on being a desirable

>>18450633
>How do you stop basing all your self-esteem on being a desirable romantic partner

Do something worthwhile with your life. What else makes a person good or important in your eyes?

>>18450639
Big shit like curing cancer or writing a book everyone you meet has read.

>>18450644

Then get working on that. Also, get more realistic expectations.

>>18450657
I'm working on a book. It's like pulling teeth. I've been working on it for like 8 years and I'm still only on about page 50 of the second draft.

It's shit and I'm still ugly and unloveable.

>>18450666
that's because you don't actually have anything to say that validates you writing a book, you only do it because you think it will finally make you worth anything.
just stop it already and invest your time into therapy and getting to the roots of your insecurity issues.

>>18450697
Every time I go to a shrink they tell me I'm fine.

It's always the "aww, everyone feels that way at times" or zeroing in on something I'm using as an example and wrestling them down as separate, individual issues on a healthy person.

I never know what proof could be serious enough for them to take me seriously. This one time I tried to kill myself and they just kept me locked up in a ward until I told them I don't want to kill myself anymore so they'd let me out.

It's always too exhausting and I just give up.

>>18450709
i guess the problem is that you think it is their job to fix you. but sadly, nobody can do that for you, even if they wanted to.
the whole point if a psychiatrist isn't to tell you how to live your life but to ask you the quesions you should be asking yourself in order to figure out your individual solution.
also, what have you tried so far to deal with your issue of feeling unworthy?

>>18450725
Working on a book. It's the only thing I'm even mildly good at and I can pretend I'm going to get it published and that there's a belated reward of other people paying attention to me and liking things that I do.

Other than that, I drink alone in my filthy house. I can't think of anything positive to do.

I bought kettlebells to work out with but I don't do that anymore because nobody's going to see me naked anyway.

>>18450734
so you think your issues will vanish once you accomplished something "worthy"? even thought you have somehow decided that this thing will be that book that feels like giving birth to a mountain? have you ever thought about what causes your low selfesteem? i mean, trying to better the situation with accomplishements is certainly a good idea, but it only deals with the symptoms, not the cause, so it will emerge again and again. like weed that you only cut off without removing the roots. it's only a temporary fix.

>>18450738
I know it's a temporary fix but it's the sturdiest crutch I've found.

And I know it's bad because I'm from an entire family of worthless shits and my father was either so autistic or so narcissistic that he was unable to either feel or express love (and for the life of me I'll never know which one) and the world would be an objectively better place if granddad would just have died in that drunken train accident that got his arm before accidentally knocking up grandma.

When I once asked mom why she married him she shrugged and said "tax benefits".

The world would have been better if he'd killed himself earlier. The world would be a better place if I'd succeeded in it.

There's no cause or reason, some people are just inherently bad people.

>>18450747
who do you mean by "some people"?

and what exactly makes that person or those persons "bad"?

>>18450754
I don't know. I have no reason to feel this way, nothing bad ever happened.

Dad was a drunk and I got bullied at school for being a retard and my parents didn't realise I wouldn't take care of my school stuff and personal hygiene automatically like my sister did, I never do or say the right thing and I can't even stomach being fucked so a guy would stick around for a second day.

>>18450763
so, by "some people" you basically mean your parents?

and what makes them bad people is that they didn't teach you how to live life?

also, i take it, you're gay?

>>18450768
I don't know. They made me and my sister to exist. Is it not evil to create life that's obviously unfit to live?

I'm a girl.

>>18450775
how would they have know that?
and no, it's certainly not evil. it might be stupid to have kids if you're unfit to raise them, yes. but stupid people also have the instinct to breed and they also lack the insight to see that they are unfit. what do you think why starving hiv+ niggers somehow think it's a neat idea to have 9 kids?

anyways, you seem to suffer from a bad cause of blamig others. it's true that your parents were responsible to raise you in a way that makes you capable and independent. that would be the ideal. guess what? MOST parents fail at that. a big part of them, colossaly. guess what again? it doesn't matter. the whole point of becoming an adult is ironing out the ways your parents fucked you over. and that is YOUR responsibility and nobody else's.
your whole energy now needs to be focused on learning what it would mean to be a functional adult and assert where you stand in that process. then learn how you can get from a to b and follow that path one step at a time, till you get there.

for example, in the op you said you want to be a desireable partner. what would that look like? what do you think a girl needs to be seen as a desireable partner? which of those traits do you already have and which do you need to etablish?

>>18450807
You can't polish a turd. I'm not smart, I'm not driven, I have no natural interest to anything that could be turned into a worthwhile career. I keep saying I have a high pain tolerance but I always wimp out when things get tough. I'm about to go to a school that's not for smart people and odds are I'll drop out with a trip to a psych ward again before long because it's too hard.

Nothing I can do to my physical appearance will matter as soon as they figure out I'm awful to fuck. There's nothing physically wrong, I just hate getting fucked and there's only so much you can fake when you're bone dry and wishing it was over as soon as foreplay starts.

>>18450816
i see. classic case of the "talent mindset".
i swear, i don't get why so many people fuck their own lifes and that of their kids up by this ONE stupid mistake.
so, let me get this straight: intelligence IS determined by genetics to SOME extend, but you can definitely polish that to atleast above average levels if you're not legitimately retarded (as in, needs assistance).
the thing your parents did that fucked you over is assume that either you're good at something or you should not try at all. basically, try something once, if you fail, give up because that's just not "your thing".
if you do that from start, you will never find anything that's "your thing", because everything needs to be learned first. it's a domino effect. let's say you are a toddler, 4 years old. you take a crayon and draw a picture. it's fucking shit because you're 4. you get frustrated because amy next door can draw prettier flowers (you don't take into consideration that her mom has been drawing together with her for months and almost daily). now you have two options (which one you chose depends on your parents most of the time). either you give up because you "can't draw" or you keep practicing until you can draw flowers that are just as pretty as amy's. which one you chose depends on what your parents think. do they thinkt that you are either "talented or not" or do they keep pushing you to "keep at it and try again, until it works"?
if the later, you would be proud of your newly accuired skill of drawing flowers. you would dra them ALL THE TIME, you would develope them further and maybe add a snail, a sun, some grass. you would keep at it, because people would praise your drawing, which makes you feel proud. by the time you go to kindergarden, you would be drawing betrer than a lot of kids your age who never draw. you would get praise form the teacher and you would defknitely keep at it. now somebody might remark that you are a "talented artist", cont

>>18450861
which you wojld DEFINITELY remember. it would fuel your attempts to learn basic anatomy, it would get you trough the frustrating hours of trying to draw two eyes that aren't wobbly and look retarded. but you would KEEP AT IT, because you are sure you are a talented artist. your experience and the feedback you get clearly indicate it. and it will hold true. by the time you go to highschool, you will have drawn hundreds of hours more than your classmates. everybody will be impressed by your drawings and it will boost your confidence even more. you love drawing now! you can even imagine becoming an animation illustrator! you have a clear set goal and you will pursue it, even if it means hours of grueling practice. see that domino effect? it's exteemely powerful. and the best thing? you can still set it in motion. you're doing good with keeping at writing. now you should lay down your expectation of having to be perfect from the start. forgive yourself for being a shit writer, everybody is at first! learn, practice, dare and never give up and you WILL see improvement.

about your issues with sexuality: learn about it! determine what it is that fucks you over. i can guarantee you that it is mental blockades due to not feeling desireable.

>>18450861
>>18450879
You chose a bad example. Drawing is one of the only things I'm good at. The thing is, nobody makes money by art. Not even real artists. I once worked a few months as this artist's assistant, he was a professional sculptor and he had to beg for government handouts for money.

Art is not an employable skill.

I'm stupid with math. I'm stupid with biology. I'm stupid with learning practical skills. I barely passed any class in physics I ever took in my life. I will not cure cancer.

>>18450909
I think you missed the point of the spiel.

>>18450939
I get your point, but what can you arbitrarily choose to do when you're worse than average on everything?