Boyfriend of 4 years attempted to hurl himself out of our window

I know this sounds severe but his depression is his problem. I'm guessing you focus all your attention on him and his issues and don't make any time for yourself to talk to other people, so a major part of your life revolve around his mental problems - I'm not saying you should break up, but tell him he needs to get serious about getting help for his issues. You do need space and time to talk to people who won't exploit you for sympathy. I'm not invalidating his problems, but I speak from experience, relationships crash and burn over this kind of shit.

>>18440871
Maybe he just need to breath fresh air a little bit, why did you restrain him?

>>18440895
He broke through the mosquito net

>>18440894
Thank you, I asked for space so we can start over our relationship. Start going on dates to the park or museum as if nothing bad had ever happened. Just move on and try to act normal, I'm not a stunning example of an adjusted individual, but I want to try, I wanted to have a future together

If you want to have a future with this kid, never use the word "space" again. Men know it as a codeword for "I want to fuck other people but have you here for emotional support", so even of that's not what you meant, if he's serious about you the trying to off himself makes a lot more sense now.

>>18440983
>I wanted to have a future together

If he wants that too, he'll get his shit together.

Nah. I'm sure there's more you want than "space". That's a whole load of shit. Don't try to play this off like that. You feign simplicity which you want to be construed as innocence, but it's clear when you say that that the situation is entirely more complicated than that.

Also your boyfriend just pulled one of the most pathetic manipulation tactics in the book.

Why the fuck do people date for four years with no intention of getting married. You're just fucking with each other at that point because you're too afraid of being lonely.

>>18440992
I told him I don't meant that shit , I don't sleep around, I don't fool around, I'm monogamous and don't agree with that kind of behavior. I told him he was becoming dependent on me and we both needed to clear our minds and fix our issues so we can start a future

99% chance that your bf won't change for the better. If he is willing to kill himself over you, he's clearly a clingy pussy who knows that he isn't good enough for you or most other women, and sees you as his "only hope". You are right to want a lot of space from this "man".

Staying with him will only have a very negative impact on your own life. DUMP HIM. Life is too short to put up with that kind of beta male, victim mentality bullshit. And don't waste your time with a man with "muh depression and anxiety" ever again. They are mentally weak, and do not make good long term partners or fathers. You absolutely need to find a mentally secure man who can provide you a happier and more stable future.

In the off chance that your current bf actually has the courage to kill himself (and he most likely does not), don't feel bad. There is no sense in caring for somebody who does not care for themself.

>/r9k/ losers with similar issues to OP's boyfriend, who regularly participate in "women hate threads", WILL attack this post, as a means of defending their hopelessly fragile egos

>>18441027
We can't marry because we were both students, I graduated two months ago, he's still finishing his courses. I don't know about you but I don't want to marry until we fix underlying issues

>>18440871
I had an ex do this. A lot. And i too started with just wanting space. All i said was i want a week off from her. No intentions of cheating, no girls, i just thought it would reignite a honeymoon phase. (Im now in a relationship where i work far away for weeks at a time so i happen to know.. It totally does)

Anyway, that is extremely selfish and controlling behaviour. Hes trapping you.

It took me a long time to come to this, but eventually i was so broken and needed out so bad i had to accept in my own head that her problems were hers. If she actually killed herself that was not my responsibility. That her death would still be better than being held hostage.

Terrible isnt it? Thats where your relationship is leading. Leave him now.

>he promised to get help

So did she. She didnt.

>>18441042
OK OK. That make sense.

It still perplexes me that you guys are 4 years into this relationship, but there seems to be little foundation. It's like you've both been dating all this time on a relationship with zero footing other than a fear of being lonely, and now it's finally catching up now that you have a couple years of backed up chemical dependence to deal with. It's like this entire thing was doomed from the start, and I don't understand why it's taking so long for this to happen.

I might be wrong. That's just my impression.

Sadly since he did that your only option is to leave him to get help.
If you stay, you validate his emotional abusiveness of "if your not with me, I'm dead". Which is really shitty and puts unnecessary pressure on the victim

I feel like your bf is very edgy

>>18441048
This.

OP i was in the exact same relationship.
Ya gotta go.

I will answer any and all questions because i feel very much for you. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

>>18441058
I will ask when I get off work, please would you stick around later today? thank you

>>18441062
When's that? Im off today. Ill definitely check back in.

Precautionary bump

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68KB, 500x294px

Get out now while you can. Trust me OP. Free yourself

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14KB, 480x360px

>>18440871
Did you tell him to do a flip?

>>18441058
>>18441070

Sorry, what was situation at the moment? What did you do? It helps to hear about similar experiences, I want to be there for him but at the moment I feel the best course of action is to keep some distance to figure out what is wrong with ourselves and how to do better.

Right now we live together but even that was a poorly made decision, basically at the moment we were also doing a lot of arguing over trivial shit, and it boiled down to "either we move in and force to fix it or we break up"

>>18440871
Tell him that if he wants to be with you he needs to get professional help. Be firm on that. If he refuses, stick by what you said and leave him. If you do that he will either get help to stay with you, or re-evaluate what is important and seek it out to get you back if you leave. If the leave route occurs do not take him back at all until he actually gets help, or he won't do it. You need to be firm.

>>18440871

Wtf your boyfriend is 4? You pedo..

>>18441037
>goes out of his way to insult mentally unstable people
>"durrr if you reply to me, you're in the wrong"
Way to really wimp out on the retaliation you might receive.
People with no compassion like you probably haven't been around the block when it comes to hardship. Enjoy your privilege, faggot.
All of the things you mentioned are just stuff that people have to deal with and overcome. And once you're really in tune with the fucked up side of you, stand up against it, and make a change for the better, then you're stronger than ever. Low confidence, depression, and anxiety are all things that can be solved. And just because someone has those traits doesn't mean they can't be an interesting, worthwhile person who'll make you happier. Everyone has their issues, stop being such a condescending faggot.

>>18442010

Ok im here. We broke up 10 years ago so ive got the hind sight analysis too.

We started out high school sweethearts. After a year I wanted some space especially since we were together every day and told her i wanted a week off to see if thatll bring back some feeling.

She immediately lost her shit. I dropped the idea and she was fine for awhile and it was good enough so meh.

After another year i was getting pretty over it and told her i didnt want to be with my hs sweetheart forever. From there on out, it was suicide threats, threats to tell the police i raped her, started trying to od regularly on tylenol. Started slashing herself up so she had cuts to show me to reinforce it. Used my insecurities against me and threatened to tell my friends shit i didnt want anyone to know. Full arsenal.

And honestly i was fuckin terrified. I didnt know what to do, felt trapped, wound up with massive anxiety.

Then there was the time i related to.. She found out i had an online friend who was a girl (nothing cheaty even) and tore the screen off my bedroom window and tried to jump out before i pulled her in.

Hung herself on the phone with me once but managed to get back on the chair (and i know it was real because humans are inacapable of faking those choking sounds i still remember vividly).

It was just a fuckin shit show. Dragged out another 2 years.

Eventually i realised i couldnt live that way regardless of what happened. Broke up with her and ignored her and shut her out.

I got 20 emails a night starting around 10 like clockwork for 2 straight months. Just threats, let downs, time limits (email in 5 minutes or im dead).

Ignored all of it. I was ready for her to die. I wasnt letting her ruin my life anymore. Cont

>>18442250
So ill tl;dr present day.

Im still fucked up. Im in a relationship and i have habits and fears and behaviours from the past one i cannot break. Nothing abusive or mean or shitty, just odd quirks that stuck.

And it all started from the suicide threat over breaking up.

I promise OP it only gets worse from there. Its a slow snowball effect. And it will fuck you up good if you stay. He will not get better as long as youre in the relationship.

He needs a doctor, and you need to run as far as you can.

Its easier if you realise that he is taking no regard for your feelings, your life, or how youd feel if he did die.

Its purely a threat to make you stay so *he* can feel ok. It doesnt stop there, your feelings come dead last to him.

>>18442250
>>18442269

Oh sorry important detail. She didnt die. Just found some next dude and carried on.

>>18440894
Suppose you gave this advice to a male OP about his suicidal gf. Do you think it might sound any different...?

More generally, cutting people off precisely when they most need support is one of the worst things about societal anomie.

>>18442296
>Suppose you gave this advice to a male OP about his suicidal gf. Do you think it might sound any different...

It shouldn't. And before I got dumped I'd agree with you, I've had friends walk out on me when I needed them most, but when the relationship becomes codependent like this, all you are doing is hurting yourself, you can't help the other person if they don't want to help themselves.

>>18441037
This is arguably wrong. I came pretty close to suicide in the aftermath of a difficult breakup once, and if anything I'm simply not capable of feeling strong negative emotions anymore. I've since had generally good experiences in dating and relationships, and my current one is going great. No medication either. Just time and greater maturity.

>>18441046
Some people date young. I'm married to my high school sweetheart. We dated for 6-7 years before marriage because we weren't grown up enough to make that decision. Also, I had lots of debts I had to pay off, so I didn't want him to marry my debt.

We will have been together 11 years come September. Lengthy dating spans or engagements (especially younger people) often don't signify a poor relationship--in fact the opposite and putting a ring on her finger too soon could be a signifier of a relationship on rocky ground.

>>18442269
I see, it hasn't gotten to that point, but I'm afraid it might just be a matter of time if there's no change soon. What quirks do you mean? Did you gf have access to your private life? (Phone, social media stuff)

I love him, i want to feel his presence, talk to him, watch him, touch him or anything at all so this is as painful to me as it is for him, however I know a line has been crossed by both of us and I feel it's up to me to stop it since he does not want to make a change in our living condition. As I said, we live together in a small room, we both need space to retreat to and this is clearly not working.

I wanted to do the honeymoon thing, my parents fought a lot so this is sadly familiar, I feel we need a break to let out steam and ponder how the relationship can be saved and be able have a conversation without tears, angry shouting, or both.

And by breaks I don't mean fucking around, people that disregard their partners are scum

>>18442386
My ex did have access to my private life. She was really good. She used key loggers to get passwords, shed make fake accounts and pose as me to get info. I should note she was pretty much fine for the first 2 years.

No problems until the thought she could lose me occurred, thats when she went off center.

>quirks

My ex was jealous after she went nuts, Im absolutely terrified of talking to girls (not an issue in my single life) because im programmed to think thats going to cause my current gf to lose her shit. She isnt jealous at all so its a weird fear.

Were talking normal interactions, at work or old friends and what not. Fills me with apprehension.

I also hide all my texts, leave the room when talking on the phone and minimize screens when shes around. If im texting and she comes near me i on reflex stand up and turn around and put my phone away. Its made her suspicious here and there but she knows my deal so shes used to it. Last it happened was the other day when i texted my boss asking for what time i was starting.

And finally 3 years into my old relationship i was done and totally unnattracted to my ex and had no sexual desire for her. But if i didnt have sex with her there was a huge melt down. She once stood up and immediately grabbed a knife and ran it across her side when i said no. So i just opted to do it whenever she wanted.

Since then in any relationship going forward, including my current one, if a girl initiates sex i freeze. Like asperger spaz mode when im not an aspy or a spaz. I have to be first. Im not sure if this is an established thing but ive read online having sex when you aren't wanting to many times (for say.. A year or two like i did) can have that effect. Others with similar experiences.


So i get you have the one instance, but the suicide threat to keep you roped is where it started for me. He is fine with hurting you so he can feel comfortable.

>>18442296
I understand your point, I feel a need to support him since he has gone through a lot of terrible stuff. He has told me he has to be around me at all times because my company calms him. But I cannot deal with that, I am not a perfect person, I have self esteem issues I have to work on, and I can't because he absorbs me completely

>>18442408
The phone thing is the same. His argument is that I'm hiding someone from him, but I just don't want any conflict to happen because my mom sent me a text or my coworkers are organizing to play video games. It just not worth it and I stopped having the energy and just want the hurt feeling to stop

I do not talk to males either, I'm uncomfortable, he's told me I don't need to shut out my coworkers, but it's awful to be constantly asked if I'm alone when I'm commuting.

What a shit show, I just wanted for us to live in different apartments so he can come over anytime

He has a high sex drive, I really don't, I feel depressed and inappropriate a lot of times. We did it when we were both feeling it and it was enjoyable though. Although he started to resent me for the times I told him I would rather do it some other time.

>>18442474
Yup. Questions accusations and mistrust. I remember all of it. My gf is a goddamn angel. Her best quality is understanding why i hide my texts plans and friends.

Because it was the same deal with my ex. Got to the point if a male friend texted asking to go for a drink if she saw she accused me of hiding a girls name in the phone and another tantrum would happen.


If i was my gf id be suspicious of me constantly. Im not doing anything wrong and she knows but its so hard wired now from a relationship *10 years ago* ive even once hung up on someone as soon as she entered the room. It was the bank or something lol.

What im getting at is he does not sound good for you. He needs help for sure, and noble as it is to want to stay and help him, you have way more to lose than you realise. He can do a lot of damage. Ya just gotta run for it.

Maybe youre afraid he will actually kill himself. Well i promise from experience you keep around and before long youll want him too. Itd be your freedom.

Dont wait long enough to become that. Just go.

>>18440894

I think this is it, he probably needs a new life. New job, new friends, new house, new people. I'd give you the advice of changing house or something, he needs a new goal.

>>18442250
>>18442269
>>18442286

That's awful.

I've been through abuse from people with BPD, but this is turning it up to eleven. I'm glad you were able to leave, Anon.

I hope your recovery will progress steadily.

>>18442495
I'm sorry you experienced all of that. And I'm glad you're happy with your gf now.

I'm crushed

Thank you all for your input, you've helped me immensely

>>18440871
He clearly need help, do an intervention with his friends and family, it's your time to get points with his family.