"Just be confident bro" "Just bee urself"

>>18427109
Be energetic, try to see what faults on yourself you can improve, find something good about yourself and convince yourself that you're good.

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By pain and struggle. Get rejected, laughed at and shit on enough so you don't give a shit while taking it and striking back with cool.

I'm in the process, shit's tough, I can't sleep at night from all the stress and people around think I'm a psychopath.

But I will get rid of this anxiety, nothing's gonna stop me.

Pick some fictional, or non-fictional person/character and try to be more like them. Yeah, it'll feel a bit like "just fake it lol" at first, but you'd be suprised how easily the mind can manipulate itself into acting differently. After you feel you've changed yourself for the better, confidence will come along.

And then you can start "being yourself" whatever that may be.

I'm also super embarrassed about my height. I'm 6 foot 1 and I see girls taller than me every day.

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1) Look people in the eye.
2) Stand straight.
3) Be ok with silence and pauses.
4) If you don't know what to do with your hands put your thumbs in your pockets and the other 4 fingers out of them.

I'd say standing straight is the most important one.
pic related

>>18427119
>See image

How do I stop breathing manually? I've tried to a lot but I can never seem to make it work.

>>18427113
That's a great way to act autistic.
>>18427119
>put your thumbs in your pockets and the other 4 fingers out of them.
Doesn't that give it away that you're overly self aware

>>18427127
>Choosing a role model is autistic

It worked for me, I'm quite content to be autistic, then.

your confidence is linked to how much you deep down think you're worthy of love and affection. it's basically a shift in perspectice. you have to become one of those people who make an effort to focus on the positive. we all have flaws, we all have weaknes. but we all also have strengths. people who have low selfesteem and are anxious are the lnes who focus mostly or completely on their faults and weaknesses. people who are confident seek out their strengths and develope them further. ofc that doesn't mean that you shoud neglect trying to iron out stuff about you you aren't happy with and that you CAN change. but lets take a guy witha big nose for example (ofc he COULD change that, but most people wouldn't go so far as to get plastic surgery). he could focus on that big nose and get very insecure about it. to the point where he hates getting his photo taken or, even worse, to the point where he aboids going out of the house. because his own focus is so narrowed down on the shape of his nose, he assums that everyone is focused on it too. so whenever something doesn't play out like he wantes it to, say he went on a date and the girl ghosted him afterwards, he immediately links that to his big nose. with every day, he gathers more "proofe" that all girls are shalow and only care about facial aesthetics. what he blatantly overlooks is that he has been very rude to the waitress and THAT was the reason the girl wasn't interested in a second date.

now lets look at the same guy but with a positive outlook. he could have noticed that he has a big nose, but he doesn't really care, because he thinks he has very capturing eyes. so when he looks in the mirror, he sees his beautiful eyes and feels like the king of the world. whwnwver he catches girls looking at him, he takes hat as evidence that his eyes are irresistible (in the other scenario, he would have assumed that they stare at his nose in disgust).

it's all a matter of your focus and changing perspective.

>>18427124
Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention breathing.
Breathe in for 4 seconds and out for 8. Manual breathing is actual pretty helpful. If you don't wanna count just feel it. You should be exhaling for twice the amount of time that you are inhaling. This will help you relax.
Counting can be good sometimes because you will be talking less. This shows that you are comfortable with silence which will make you look more confident.
Just try to relax.

>>18427137
>your confidence is linked to how much you deep down think you're worthy of love and affection

>tfw parents never taught you the worth, pretty much opposite
>tfw doomed from the start

28 years later and I'm still struggling with it

>>18427127
Putting your whole hand inside your pocket makes you look overly self-aware and a lot of people just don't know what to do with their hands. P

>>18427135
Well, just don't choose some antihero or anime character, I guess

>>18427155
What about crossing your arms?

>>18427155
Putting just your thumb looks a bit more natural. Also if you can just "talk with your hands".

>>18427109
>meditate
>find out what you want from life
>set goals
>work everyday to achieve goals

doesn't matter what your goals are. even if your goal is as cringy as wanting to become a pro gamer or sth.. even if your goal is simply to have a comfortable job and earn a decent amount of money and nothing more.
if this is what you truly want and you work on achieving your goals everyday, you automatically become confident.

>>18427151
your parents can't teach you that. a LOT of people think they aren't worth love and that's a conclusion they came up with themselfes. ofc itms mostly the upbringing that made them come to that conclusion, but you can solve this by realizing what made you come to that conclusion. it was probably formed at a very young age and was never a rational thought. seeing how it came to life and how irrational the reasoning behind it is/was already takes a lot of power from it.

>>18427163
It makes you look like you don't wanna talk to people.

>>18427109
die sosse van psycho zijn allml tzelfde

moonman.jpg

>>18427170
Yeah, like mommy and daddy loved me, but did not show it, because their parents were also hurt and disturbed and so on...

Still feels shitty because no matter how you rationalize it, you always find proofs to strengthen this pattern of thinking.

And even though I already know that, shit's still not easy to fight with sometimes.

>>18427171
Also putting your hands on your hips looks confident and natural. But just a bit too aggressive.

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>>18427109
That pic related is funny as hell. Did she tried her best to take as bad selfie as possible? Was this part of her thesis to prove that when you have shit selfie you get 0 matches?

I know she is probably female version of r9k, but
>that hair cut
>that no smile
>that clothes
Any girl can do better than this. Being lazy to even groom yourself is no excuse.

I would ask her on date just to see how insecure / crazy she is. Still miles better than pic related. Also she will have degree. I bet she wont be basic bitch.

>>18427176
nobody said it's easy. it's te most difficult thing to change deep rooted patterns of thinking. but it is not impossible and that means you can't give up since this might be the single thing that fucks up humanity the most. if you can get past it, you have already entered into levels few people ever reach.

see, kids have a (this is pedagogically well known) very different worldview. they can NOT see the bigger picture, they are extremely narrow minded, because they simply aren't developed enough to think anything else. so, in their mind, everything that happens is a direct result of their actions.
as an asult, you might be able to see that your oarents showed their love by always supporting you. but you would have needed a hug and a "i love you". as a kid, you could only see that you did your best and never got what you needed. so the "logical" conclusion was that your best is not good enough for love. that's likely how your thought pattern of "i'm not worthy of love" formed. now you know that adults can have intimacy issues and that they showed their love, just differently. which means that they DID love you, they just showed it in ways you couldn't understand. which rationally makes it illogical to conclude that you aren't "worthy of love", since the fact your parents had intimacy issues are not even SLIGHTLY related to your worth as a human being. and they DID show you their love, just on a level you couldn't grasp at that age. the logical conclusion then would be, that in fact, you are very much worthy of love.

ofc that realization alone won't magically get rid of a pattern you have formed when your brain was in development and that you kept up for years. but deliberately observing your negative thoughts and to openly disagree with them WILL form new patterns over time. it just takes patience and discipline. but it will be worth it.

>>18427187
>>that no smile
Fuck man I never smile on pictures or even in general because my smile is objectively ugly as sin. I have perfect teeth but they don't really show because of some jaw problem, so I look like an old person. How do I stop caring

>>18427207
I have yet to meet woman/girl whose smile wont improve her rating by few points.

If you are girl who is taking selfie without smiling, you are doing it wrong. You dont even need to show teeth, sometimes the smug smile face is enough.

And now lets date.

>>18427206
Welp, I know that, it's already better, but it does not sit in the brain, it sits in the guts, If there was only some way to work with the guts, not the brain it would be so much easier. Still, I hope it's really recoverable.

>>18427219
No I'm a fucking guy whose smile looks goofy as shit.

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i finnaly got grill to go on a date with me.
we will meet later that day and we decided to go into a bar or a cafe at first.

i am incredibly good at letting conversations die and loosing the whole interest.

I don't know about to talk with her i its hard to believe that the opportunity or any topic will come up when we just chat.

honsestly i wanna fuck, but if she's really nice i wouldn't to know her better.

it's a tinder date tho.

>>18427220
nah, that's not the guts, that's the subconscious. it's hard as fuck to get a hold on stuff that's imprinted there, but you can get to it with dilligence and determination. you'd have to become an expert at dispute your brains old patterns and at some point it will start to seep into the subconscious.

>>18427224
>guy
There are studies showing that girls are attracted more to males who dont smile on selfies. You want to look like chad.

STOP applying advices for girls to yourself!

>>18427230
http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/conversation
and this dumb frogposter
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/these-36-questions-can-make-you-fall-in-love-with-anyone-a6772366.html

>>18427235
that's true. smiling in picture makes you come off as submissive (just look trough magazine adds. guys rarely smile unless they advertise insurance or incontinence pads. girls ALWAYS smile).

>>18427235
>>18427239
Ok but what about in general? People tell me to smile more but it feels wrong

>>18427245
smiling for the sake of smiling is moronic and will make you seem autistic. what they mean is "become the person who actually has a good time and is fun to be with".

>>18427245
>general
In general, you are MALE. You are supposted to NOT GIVE A FUCK.

Unless you absolutely need good social standing and high value, why do you even care what others do or think about you? Have you been raised by single mother?

>>18427254
So when people tell me that they just mean I'm a stuck up asshole?
>>18427257
I care because I'm insecure and self conscious

>>18427267
that or that you might come off as creepy if someone looks at you and smile and you don't reciprocate.

>>18427267
>insecure
Bleh.
>self conscious
Double bleh.

Stand up, dres up and go for walk to your city center. Practice walking around, do not give a fuck, have your head up and look at people and into their eyes as you pass them. If you feel like it, have smug face while you look at them.

Do this every day until it feels natural. DO IT FAGGOT.

>>18427271
>just stop being insecure
I go outside, I'm not a neet. It doesn't fix shit

First of all you have to understand that pretty much no one can be confident all the time, in any situation. When they talk about confidence most people think about confidence in social situations and I'm guessing that's also what you're asking about.

For you to be confident in an activity you have to either
1. Be experienced in that activity and trust your skills in it
2. Not care about the outcome and implications of that activity

If either of these is true you will be relaxed and will appear confident to everyone around you. If both of them are false you will be anxious. So for you to be confident in social situations you have to either see yourself as very charming and likable, or you have to not give a fuck about what people think about you. Having both of these things would be optimal, of course, but you should focus on achieving the latter rather than the formal. No matter how good you are with people, there will always be some who won't like you, trying to please everyone and caring about how everyone sees you will only end in failure.

Ok, so how do you stop giving a fuck about how people see you? It's a pretty hard thing to do, considering it comes from both a primal need for acceptance and social pressure. Well first of all you need some values to judge yourself by. Internal values, mind you, not some shitty desires that don't depend solely on you (like wealth or social status). Figure out what kind of person you want to be and be that person. Find a bunch of qualities you admire and do your best to adopt them. Stop trying to judge yourself by how others see you and try to care only about living up to your own standards and values. And again, those values have to be internal, the reason why so many people are anxious about social interaction is because their values focus on how other people treat and see them.

(cont)

>>18427283

For instance some bad values are: popularity, fame, romantic life, power over others. Some good values are: honesty (with yourself), accepting responsibility (for your own state), integrity, open-mindness. You must learn to judge your actions and situations based on your values, not on how it will make people feel and think about you.

And then, almost as important, you have to be open. You have to stop saying what you think people want to hear. You have to stop acting the way you think people and society want you to act. You have to train yourself to say what's on your mind, even if you think people will judge you negatively for it. You have to stop hiding things about yourself you are ashamed of. You have to open yourself to rejection. As long as you don't do that you won't stop being anxious in social situations and therefore you won't be confident. Every time you say something you don't truly believe or you hide something just so people won't form a negative opinion about you, you reinforce the idea that it is important to make everyone like you and accept you. You reinforce the idea that social rejection is unacceptable and this idea will keep you scared and anxious in social situations.

There's a lot more to be said on this subject, if you want some more in-depth explanations read "Models" and "The subtle art of not giving a fuck", both by Mark Manson.

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>>18427109
Am I the only one who unironically thinks the girl in the OP pic is cute? Sure, her face is kinda funny, but more in the sense of looking unusual rather than just being downright unpleasant. Her hair looks adorable and her body is probably a classy Deutsche petite 10/10, which is always a great thing. Also, she's an academic, which ensures a lot of interesting conversations.

I would superlike that hoe without thinking twice.

>>18427280
I didnt told you to just go outside dummie, but go outside just to stare at strangers and emulate not giving a fuck.

Once you realize they are all pathetic creatures from meat and bones (like you), you will stop giving a fuck.

>>18427288
>deutsche petite
If only her clothes werent so bad. But yea, flat is justice. They will never sag.

>>18427109
>>18427288
If you look at the pic and place your finger over her absurdly long chin she will suddenly look full aesthetics.

>>18427109
>sarcasme gebruiker
>pshychologie student

She either has a sense of humour or she's autistic, I can't quite make it out.

Still, she probably has brains which makes her kind of attractive

>>18427288
>Deutsche
Fucking Americans, she's not German she's From the Netherlands

>>18427295
>She either has a sense of humour or she's autistic, I can't quite make it out
Either of those sound great in my book.

>>18427297
Fuck it, Dutch is a West Germanic language anyways, as an Eurofag I couldn't really make it out either.

>>18427303
You better get it right though, if you would open the conversation by calling her a German it wouldn't be a good start

>>18427305
I mean, sure, but it's Tinder, if I matched with her then I would probably be in the Netherlands in the first place.

>>18427313
Obviously, I was just breaking your balls

still, it's annoying that foreigners often mix up German/Dutch.

Even though I understand it, the languages are rather similar and Dutch/Deutsch sounds simmilar.

>>18427314
That's fine dude, I'm Portuguese and I feel the same kind of annoyance when someone mixes it with Spanish or Italian :(

>>18427109
The whole "bee urslef" is for one reason. If you win someone by faking it, you will have to fake it always from then on. Being confident is more so a matter of not caring if people think badly of you, cos in the end, it doesn't even matter

>>18427112
Behind you all the way bro. Keep it up

>>18427352
Mixing up Spanish and Portugese is even worse, those are vastly different

>>18427109
>that's like saying I can become taller if I think I am
but that's exactly how it works with self confidence. Just think that being confident will make you look immediately more charming, and that's all the reasons you need to be confident in yourself

Heres a better way to put it.

BE AUTHENTIC

be an authentic version of yourself. The issue most people have is that they're authentically boring, weak, and uninteresting. Lets say you like cars, or even better, Magic the Gathering or Dungeons and Dragons. Own that. Dont give a shit if people dont like it. Learn to talk to other people, and to tell stories because people respond to narratives. Dont hesitate when you think of something unless its genuinely pretty terrible. If you're in line and you notice the girl in front of you is carrying National Geographic or something, dont sit there and deliberate, just point gently and be like "hey i read that last week its pretty good, what do you think?"

there is truth to the "you cant love anyone if you cant love yourself"

You aren't going to be nervous or have a hard time talking to people if your life is just fine without them. If you're satisfied on your own, and everyone you talk to is just a possible great addition to your life. Dont sweat rejection, Make sure theyre the ones missing out.

>>18427109
Who's that girl? She looks really good desu, I mean her face is unusual but she got great clothes and hair.

>>18427467
>great clothes
>weaing granmda clothes as a young person is great
hipster spotted

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OP is back and I see a lot of advice that I have to love myself but I literally hate everything about me. Is there any advice for not thinking that youre human filth?

>>18427488
Are you a bad person? Do you sell drugs? Do you put yourself before other people? Have you raped people? Do you insult or hurt people for no reason? If you answer no to a bunch of these you are already not filth. And of course there will always be room for improvement.
WHO'S THE GIRL IN THE PHOTO BTW!?

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>>18427503
I'm stupid lazy ugly and envious. I haven't had a job in 2.5 months because a company fucked me over. I haven't had a gf in 5 years when I was 14. I'm a burden on my parents and can't even join the military because I'm on antidepressants. I'm weak physically and mentally and dropped out of college after only 1 semester. I don't have a single friend and my only hobbies are Mongolian cartoons and videogames. I still live at home and only have 20k saved up. I wake up at 2pm and go to bed at 4am. I feel like a manlet even though I'm 6 foot 1 and don't feel like taking care of myself. I'm only 155lbs and cry every now and again.

I don't know who the girl is btw sorry

>>18427518
It doesn't sound like you are a bad person at all, just someone going through a tough time. You had a job means you have experience to put in your resume.
If you were 14 five years ago then you are still super young and you can enter college again hopefully, maybe one of those cheap/free ones, idk how it works in your country. My friends started college at age 20. You are not a burden on your parents because you are still young imo.
You are tall so that's cool.
Maybe try to look for charity groups you can maybe join, like so you have some extra activity to do? Idk if you are religious but maybe some church nearby has some group that helps homeless people or something like that, and it will also help you meet new people and make friends. Otherwise hopefully you can get to college again and meet friends. If not just keep looking for some new job and maybe learn some skills at home like web design or something that interests you. Maybe try to use at least a few hours of each day to do something you consider productive and plan it out before.
Anyway tl;dr you are not a bad person and you are still very young so there's a lot of room for improvement and you are far from being a failure. I wish I had better advice because I'm kind of in your situation except I'm 24 and I never had a real job yet.

>>18427151
If you feel you are struggling, visit a psychologist. If you're in uni, they might even have free consulting.
It helps immensely, especially if you're not really into psychological terms. It's my major so I already knew a lot of stuff when I went to consultations, and it still did me good.

>>18427109

Except that people can physically see that you're not tall.

If you fake confidence, though, people have no idea as you get better at it - then once people start TREATING you more like a confident person, you start to actually FEEL more confident. It's a positive feedback cycle.

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>>18427158
>my heroes are Spike spiegel and De niro in taxi driver

>>18427285
>"Models" and "The subtle art of not giving a fuck", both by Mark Manson.
Suprisingly good books. Seconding that recommendation

>>18427155
You're overthinking this shit, I tend to always put either both or just one hand into my pocket because it feels really comfortable and I like to switch it up with just having them swaying outside.

Nobody has ever told me that I'm too self-aware or something.

>>18427532
Past uni. I was sent to psychologist in hi-school by parents themselves. I also tried learning some psychology myself. I get the theory but mostly only that.
And this shrink in my hi-school years did not help much so I don't believe anyone can help but myself.

>>18427549
yup, read them.

>>18427112
Tell me More about your process

Because "just be confident" is advice given by people who simple advice like that actually works for them. For people like me who can lose a bunch of weight and go to the gym and still hate ourselves, there's jack shit we can do.

Real confidence is earned, not 'grown' or thought up of.


Everyone who wants confidence has a thing that they want to do, but arent confident enough to do it. But you will only be confident in doing the thing, after youve done the thing. So it doesnt matter if you are scared shitless, just do the thing, then when you finally succeed at it, the NEXT time you have to do the thing, you will have some measure of confidence because youve done it before.

>>18427703
if you're not proud of your body yet, then you obviously aren't there yet.

confidence grows slowly. you can't expect to be confident just because you've been working out for a month.

also, maybe there's something more important to you than just working out. find out what that is and pursue it.

>>18427707
I dunno, I've been working out for 2 years now.

there is an old saying... "Don't try to motivate emplyees, hire motivated people."

I used to not be confident but I am happier now for things I did myself, you have to motivate yourself with some OP, it doesn't come from advice online, turn off the computer and start writing things on paper, ideas you have whatever.

I just go against ALL of my instincts and it works. When I'm socially active it gets easier and more natural, but when I'm less active and I'm meeting people I dislike or just don't get to meet a lot, I try my hardest against my instincts. It works MOST of the times.

Not confidence, but it sure makes you used to other peoples company

>>18427158
how about villains

the colder and more psychopathic they are the more I admire them

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>>18427119
>4) If you don't know what to do with your hands put your thumbs in your pockets and the other 4 fingers out of them.

>>18427541
>If you fake confidence, though, people have no idea as you get better at it
Absolutely false. Girls pick up on that easily.

>>18427583
High school psychologists are usually very different in their areas of study and practise than clinical or consulting psychologists.
If you can find someone who does CBT (cognitive bihevioral therapy), they are sure to help you.
And yes, you are the one who does the work and who has to change (if you want it). The psych is only there to offer guidance and perhaps give you the tool. Anyone who claims otherwise is not doing a good job.

>>18427109
Confidence and fakery are definitely different. But fakery is what you should do until you are confident.

Confidence is essentially about having control and therefore not being intimated by a situation.

Confidence is therefore basically knowledge of yourself (how you will react, what are your weaknesses etc.) and knowledge of your enemy (whatever situations intimidate you).

So how do you gain knowledge that will give you confidence? Well in two ways.

Firstly get to know yourself. Understand yourself as best you can and how you react to things so as to mitigate any surprises.
You could practice mindfulness meditation and it will likely make you feel better in general and teach you about you.

And secondly you need to know your enemy. And you do this through experience. Slowly emerse yourself into uncomfortable situations. Take baby steps.

Lastly you need to take the knowledge you have from these two things and simply use it to address the issues, although the knowledge itself will probably make you more confident any way. By this I mean, working out at the gym if it's your appearance that is making you unhappy for example.

Until you have real confidence which will come in time if you allow yourself to experience things just fake it. It'll make it easier.

And remember most people are just faking it. Everybody has to do some things for the first time and if a person seems confident having not done something before than they are 100% faking by the very definition. Idiots just fake it better because they're incapable of perceiving all the threats that smart people do.

Good luck!