I think I'm one of 'those guys', and I fucking

That first week or so being so giddy and saying 'fuck it, I'm not ashamed to show I want to talk to her', and yet fearing I was trying to talk or interact through Facebook shit too much and possibly making her uncomfortable. Worrying that the way I respond to every. Single. Topic. of a person's message when I respond is possibly annoying. Probably seeming clingy trying to hang out so much, knowing that she has such a busy schedule as she actually has a pretty full life. The way I type. Just the way I type to her, I can hardly describe how awkward some of the things I say get. Panicking when she doesn't look at my messages for days after sending them at times because she's never done that, and feeling like a totally obsessive creeper because I know that isn't anything to be panicky or paying attention to as again, she's a busy person, and so on like that. This is exactly the type of person I never wanted to be. I especially don't want to be the person to put her through any of this kind of crap, or the shit that I've seen it lead to. She's had enough of that and deserves far better.

Then there's this past week. I moved recently, and she came to hang out and meet everyone for a bit that day. I really wanted to say what had been on my mind, and couldn't get it out. I froze because of it, and made her leaving my place completely awkward and potentially creepy. On facebook, there was this picture of Jack Sparrow shooing away a heart titled 'love', which I reacted to partially out of both humor and frustration... And she may have seen it, considering a post of hers I saw not long after talking on behalf of 'those of us who are single, wishing to build a relationship as solid and beautiful as' the one exampled. (I think Facebook is a problem I need to stay away from.) And today, I messaged her when she had messages from me that she hadn't seen yet (Which feels wrong, somehow) to ask her if she wanted to go to this little in-town carnival, and hopefully try to have that one talk... And I felt like I'd annoyed her with my extra messages, though she said she's been too busy to read. (My message was long, about this thing I'd gone to.) She couldn't hang as her schedule was full, so I asked if she wanted to try this week as I still have some time before going back to work. She said she'd check her schedule for next week, and I know I sounded clingy as hell responding that I'd be working next week, but to let me know anyway because it'd be good to hang out.

3/?

Maybe I'm overreacting even to my own actions and all of that would be fine, but: I have a long history of severe bouts of depression, as well as both anxiety/panic disorders. I've been feeling good for awhile now, feeling like I'm on a good path, but somehow today everything suddenly felt like it was collapsing in on me. I was moody and couldn't shake it, the old vicious, cyclic thoughts were starting back up. Some of it was all of this, most of it was my own stagnation and uncertainty toward life, but I took it out in the most immature way.

Posted to Facebook in a panic: 'When you can feel it coming back, how the hell do you stop it?' She replied: "'Better out than in, I always say.' - Shrek". Pretty sure she was saying 'So talk to me about it.', and instead I replied, like a piece of shit 'Love that movie, but I'm not sure I get the relevance of the quote here. And to be fair, in that situation, 'it' getting out was only good for Shrek himself in that situation.'

And that's the story of how I fucked up the best thing to happen to me in the past almost-ten-years before it even started.

So now I'm sitting here, stoned out of my mind, having returned to a site I left long ago, dropping my long-form laundry to a bunch of strangers that probably won't even read this, and I have NO idea what to do from here.

I plan on getting some help, obviously. I have issues I need to finally overcome, and I'm not falling into the pit of depression I just started climbing out of. I'd been forced through therapy most of my life and was unwilling to try again, convinced the only person that could help me was me, but I realize how stupid that is now when you have a legitimate problem and how easy you can slip.

But should I just text tomorrow and apologize for the way I responded today and really just try to discuss everything that's been on my mind now, before this goes further? Should I wait it out and see if she even ever wants to talk to me again? Or do I just pursue help, and talk to her about all of this when I have it more sorted out for myself, if we even stay... whatever we are through this? Am I just intensely overthinking everything?

Is it even right for someone like me to try and pursue this or any relationship, knowing how stupidly, stupidly broken I am? I don't think that's fair to her or anyone.

Good god, what the hell is wrong with me, and what do I do?

Bump?
No one wants to help a stoned, anxiety ridden, inexperienced, eternal loser out at 4 in the morning? :p

That was a LONG wall of rambling text dude.

I skimmed it, because I didn't need 90% of the information to know, you're stoned as fuck and overthinking this shit.

All you need to know:

If you take a shot and fuck up, you might feel like shit for a while, but until age you will eventually move on and forget. Hopefully learning something from it to improve and get better on.

But If you sit on your ass, stay quiet, and let this shit slip by you without doing anything: You will NEVRR stop wondering "what if". And that regret will become toxic like a tar building up in your heart and lungs until the anxiety of it makes you feel like you're drowning and diving you insane,

>>18423551
I normally read long threads but seriously, this is the short version? That is a massive wall of text and it's putting people off

>>18423508
>Good god, what the hell is wrong with me, and what do I do?

Stop talking to her on Facebook and start talking to her more in person.

>>18423551
Not if i have to read a fucking novel to understand what your problem is. Greentext that shit to be as short as possible.

>>18423484
Op is a fag who overthinks everything. You know the answer: go spew your insecure bullshit to a shrink, thats what they get payed for. And let the girl alone. If she has too busy of a schedule to not be able to hang out with you that means she tells you to kindly fuck off but doesn't want to depress you further. If she really wanted to be with you she would find the time.

Sometimes less is more. So try to think twice and speak once. Also honesty is always best. Contact her again and apologize. Not with a long ramble. Tell her you've got some issues you're working on. You're genuinely sorry and would like to start over. Ask to talk to her one on one and then explain to her how you feel. You cannot make another person feel a certain way. You cannot change the other person. I would suggest you may want to try counseling again.

>>18423561
>>18423565
>>18423567
Yeah, sorry about that guys, but thanks for responding. I was stoned as shit before, and afraid of missing detail that might matter, lolol. Greentexted:

>Me and girl have some similar issues in our pasts, and towards relationships and especially physical intimacy
>Both shy, quiet types, tend to hold things back for whatever reasons, ect
>Day we decide to try this thing out she opens up to me big time, I feel like out of shock the ball was dropped on that conversation
>Want to apologize and try to have that conversation again and decide what this is and what we both want - get on the same page basically
>Unsure because I'm a whackjob whether to bring it up to her or not, not wanting to make her uncomfortable too quick
>Try to hang out and do it in person because I believe these convos should be had that way, but getting together is tough due to schedules
>Over the weeks wind up letting my clinginess take hold, worry about things that likely don't matter
>Pull dick moves like reacting to that picture, responding to her comment on the immature panic-post I wrote up as I felt old shit coming down on me again the way I did
>Now unsure on the morals of continuing to try to date this girl I really care about while I'm such a shitty mess still.

To be fair, she does know a fair bit about a lot of these issues. I even told her one day that I'm the sort of person who always let life pass me by, wants so bad to do better, and yet just sits around, smoking and contemplating and working my dead-end job and how much I hate being that way... And she was still into me?

I just don't know whether to apologize, talk this through, and continue pursuing this relationship while I get help and keep improving, or if it would be better to end it now for her sake and try to move on. She was scared of getting in my way, but the reality is the opposite. :/

>>18423604
>>She was scared of getting in my way, but the reality is the opposite
You need to tell her this. See if she's will to give it a go. You've got nothing to lose.

>>18423580
I'd already planned to spout my insecure bullshit to a shrink, thanks. I realize everything I'm doing, as powerless as I feel to stop it most of the time. Truthfully I didn't want that to be the answer, but you're probably right and I should leave her alone. I mean, even after deciding trying to date, after all I pulled she probably isn't interested anymore. Thanks for the dose of reality.

>>18423581
Thank you.
I mean, I don't intend to try to make her feel a certain way or change her, or whatever. We've already told each other how we feel toward each other. I just feel I messed up, want to apologize, and be able to be open and honest about all of my personal stuff with her, like she was with me. If she decides it's too much then and there, fine. I want her to be aware and to have that option, as little as I want to scare her away now, and I do feel I need to apologize.

And yeah, I'm setting myself back up with counseling because I know I still need to work on loads of things.

>>18423628
You think that's the important bit? It's my biggest fear - she has a life and ambitions, I've never had anything.
I think you're right, thank you.

>>18423636
Look, don't beat yourself up too much over this. Everybody does stupid shit in their life especially over girls. I'm not the one who said leave her alone. I would definitely gauge her reaction when you apologize and ask to try again. If you already know each other's history and she's into you chances are she'll forgive you. If not, then she's not the right one.

>>18423652
I do. It's ok for her to have a life and ambitions. You want that. You just have to respect and support that. You just have to get your shit together and you will too.

>>18423659
>>18423663
Thanks for the more supportive posts guys. I know what I need to do now.
And you're right, I do want that, and respect it. I love the hell out of her strength of character. Time to see if I can get my shit together and meet her there.

>>18423484
>my typing style is too horribly detailed
You weren't kidding, holy shit. While I read this,
The thing about writing is that it's like dressing up, a single style isn't going to cut it in all situations, you have to be flexible and adapt to what the situation demands. For example, you wouldn't wear a suit in all situations because you want to look elegant, it would have the opposite effect, this is the same

I've gone through it all.

You're seriously overthinking things and worrying way too much. Tell her what you want to tell her, even if it's just through text, at least you'll have said it. Otherwise you may say it too late and have it be overdue, but things are going fine. Seriously.

And learn how to be more concise and trim your texts.