my bf has a habit of just walking into people's homes and

You're not stuck up. That is basic etiquette that comes with civilized society. Obviously he was raised by wolves.

>>18421300

everyones different. if his parents arent bugged by it he probably picked up the habit at a young age or something.

lock your door and tell him he needs to knock to get in

>>18421308
what really boggles my mind is that asides from this he puts a lot of weight on "manners". for example, he would never start eating before everyone is seated. not even if it means he waits 15 mins and his food is cold and the others have told him to not wait.

>>18421312
idk if it buggs them. maybe they are used to him doing that. it just honestly embarasses me if i go with him and he does that. i feel like an intruder and i hate it.

the person who rented our apt before us lost the toilet keys, so i kind of have to rely on his respect for my privacy. hasn't worked very well so far.

>>18421308
I will never get this. My ex used to be EXACTLY like this. No manners whatsover but his parents were the most lovely people in the world. How is it that he didn't pick up anything from them???

>>18421325
i don't get it either. his parents and his brother would NEVER do this. so it's not like that's a "family thing" they just do.
maybe he has some local autism when it comes to bursting into people's home. he's very "civilized" otherwise

>>18421323
Some families have very little borders with each other and consider that a sign of how close they are. He doesn't feel it's a big issue for you because it is not for him. I myself don't really mind walking into the bathroom if my gf is peeing (if it's pooping I giver her space), but some people really care about keeping those barriers up. This sort of extends to his attitude in his family's house, he probably doesn't feel like an outsider.

Coming from a latino family, my uncles, aunts and cousins just walk into my grandmother's house without even a knock, that's just how they are.

Also
>Bathroom keys
wut?

>>18421350
yeah, i know some people do that, but i know they weren't like that. i asked him and they are, in general, a very uptight and correct very white upper-middle-class family from one of those rich suburb neighborhoods.

they aren't very close, they do love each other, but in a distant way. he's even rather reserved with his brother. i just can't wrap my head around it.

i come from a very relaxed and warm family myself. we have a lot less stricter social forms than his family. i can even tell that he sometimes gets uncomfortable at family gatherings because he's not used to such family dynamics.
but we would never just burst into the bathroom when someone's in there. maybe if it's my sister/mother i would knock and ask if i can get something real quick, but that's about it.

what's weird about bathroom keys?

>>18421377
Maybe he feels that way specifically with you?

It sounds like he just feels as an insider with his family rather than an outsider, and does not need to knock. If his family is okay with it I don't think it's that big an issue.

I have never ever seen a bathroom that needed keys. They all just have an intergrated lock.

I have a friend who does this, along with eating my food and overstaying his welcome. When I try to be firm with him he acts all shocked and mopey and I hate to feel like I'm scolding him but I think he's slowly starting to take hints. I pity his lack of self awareness.
Your boyf actively defends his behavior so that sucks. I really dislike people who knowingly act like their obnoxious and offensive behavior isn't a big deal and will find a way to punish them if I can. I dunno how you could change a fundamental lack of care in the feelings of others. He's gonna have learn that his behavior is douchey and unacceptable on his own but that sort of introspection is painful so most people avoid it entirely.

>>18421415
but i told him i don't like it. idk why he still does it.

that's true. but honestly, from their reactions is often feel like it DOES bother them. but i also think it would be backstabbing to ask them about it. oh well.

i live in europe, i've never seen a bathroom that doesn't have a lock and key. only public toiletts have integrated locks here.

>>18421418
i mean, it's not like it's my problem to be honest. if they don't like it, then it's on them to tell him. it just strikes me as odd and i thought maybe someone could explain to me what's going on in his mind.

as for the bathroom, i will tell him again very clearly that i need him to knock and ask if he can come in and then has to wait for my answer and if i say no, then i mean no. i'll also tell him that if he can't do that i will get the bathroomlocks changed.

this is so weird. in every other area he is always VERY concerned about the feelings of others.

>>18421435
Interesting. I still think the issue is a lack of introspection. Maybe he's attached to the idea that he's a polite person and he needs to avoid thinking about people's personal boundaries in order to maintain that self image.

You should start getting mad when he walks in on you. If you avoid making it seem like a problem he's going to be able to keep on thinking it isn't a problem. You should get mad when he walks into people's houses too. Don't let him turn it around on you. He's the one being childish, not you.

>>18421460
>maybe he's attached to the idea of him being a polite person

yes! very much! it's one of his core values and he puts a lot of effort into being "the polite and correct guy". what made you think that? that's interesting.

well, i might have to communicate it clearer. for me it is so unusual that i thought telling him i don't like it once or twice would be enough. i might have to tell him that i feel like he disrespects my privacy. i can't imagine that he would continue doing it after i told him that.
about the bursting into houses; i think it's not on me to get "mad". that would be unreasonable. if the people he does it are bothered by it then THEY would have to communicate it clearer. i just don't know what's more autistic, walking in with him or waiting outside and ringing/knocking even though he already entered?

>>18421487
>what made you think that?
He just seemed to be suffering from cognitive dissonance from your description that's all.

It's understandable that you don't feel like it's your problem that he's being rude to other people but it sounds like he's embarrassing you and that's perfectly reasonable grounds for a dispute in my book.

I think your concept of "unreasonable" isn't doing you any good, it's reducing your own amount of agency and giving it up to the people around you. Does that makes sense? Sometimes people will belittle you for sticking up for yourself (calling you stuck up if you try to stop him from getting his way) and that's a means of control and manipulation.

>>18421543
what's the dissonance here? that he likes to think he's polite but then walk in without knocking? i don't really knoww how he can bring those two thing together. my only answer would be that he doesn't even think this is impolite behaviour in the slightest. but that seems almost impossible for me. i might have to ask him about it to get more indepth informations.

well, if you see it that way. but i'm only embarassed because i am assuming that they don't like it. based on my observations and my own values. but that's rather wobbly ground, so i might be embarassed without reason and that's why i wouldn't think having a dispute over this would be "reasonable". ofc that's also my own measurement of what's reasonable and what isn't.

>>18421567
Entering without knocking is shitty behavior, homes or bathrooms. Yes it's based on people's values but that doesn't make it not real. People's boundaries, values and expectations are not something to be tossed aside, manipulated or pushed without very good reason. It's fine if you don't want to stick up for other people but at lease stick up for yourself.

It is extremely dangerous to tell yourself that your own boundaries are a grey area that can be erased to accommodate someone else's comfort. When he walks into someone's house and no one says anything, someone's boundaries are being erased. When he walks in on the bathroom and you don't say anything your boundaries are being erased.

>based on my observations and my own values. but that's rather wobbly ground
>that's also my own measurement of what's reasonable and what isn't.
You talk like your own measurements are fundamentally less important than others.

>>18421626
that's not what i meant. i meant that i am assuming their boundaries based on my own. and that's wobbly ground.

i do stick up for my boundaries, i just might have to so it bolder than i thought in this specific case.

i also don't think my own measurements are leas important. but i do think that they are not the standart that everyone is supposed to share. basically, if i assume something based on my own standarts, that doesn't mean the person i'm assuming something about has the same standarts, so they are the ones "acting weird". i think those aren't fixed things but rather a spectrum.

>>18421300
bf does this to me too. Bursts open the door and storms in, he's not even in a bad mood. And if the front door is locked, he just jiggles the handle and knocks like a mad man. I feel like it's out of complete social naivete. Won't knock or call me like a normal person.

Finally stopped when the front door was locked and he shook the handle like crazy while my dad was in the kitchen. My dad went into straight defensive mode, opened the door, and told bf that if he keeps opening the door like that he's gonna get shot.

I smirked internally because he wouldn't listen. Bf hasn't done it since.

Have someone else check him, preferably someone with a bit more dominance than him. He's made it clear he won't listen to you.

>>18421655
I see. You see yourself as a more fluid and less rigid person, a strength. Whereas I see the trait as a dangerous weakness and an easy target for exploitation.

I've never been able to think about the way my own rigidness comes off to other people but I think I have the perspective I need to explore it now. That's probably what compelled me to participate in this thread in the first place. Thank you!

>>18421300
Do locks exist?