First time I've done this so bear with me and don't

>>18416221
Cont.

The thing most people would generally go for here is some type of sociopathic personality, but i have real and genuine emotions, love and am sensitive to animals, am law abiding, very rarely drink, and just an overall calm and stable person. But on the other hand i love watching videos of people getting killed, live thinking about destroying things/causing chaos, like to think about war and killing, and pretty harsh towards people I don't like. There's just this feeling...that im different. Theres something not "there". So what do you think? Am i normal? A piece of shit (lol)? Don't be to harsh but be honest. I am a 23 y/o male btw

>>18416232
Not everyone has a good amount of empathy when they are young.
Don't assume you are done maturing.

>>18416240
I should mention i have killed animals before. Fish though, so who really cares lol? But last time i did it was when i was like 12. Plucked their eyes out with scissiors and crushed them in clamps. Little bait fish. Earliest time i did it was when i was very young. Caught it and layed it on the pavement and pretended it was begging me to stop while it choked. Other time i caught a fish at a fair, didnt want to keep it, so i crushed it with a bamboo stick it's bowl came with. Long time ago though

Anyone else?

>>18416248
I mean, did it bother you at all? Does it produce any feelings of fear/ shame when looking back on that?

>>18416221
You might be anhedonic

Hey OP. Trust me with this.

Off handedly, ask your parents what insurance you have. Find out. Call that company, tell them you're a member, and ask which psychologist in your area takes your insurance and set an appointment. If not, go to a family doctor and when getting your checkup, tell them everything and ask for psychogical help and help with your insurance.

What you're doing now? On /adv/? It's your first step. Don't stop now or face oblivion.

>>18416395
No not at all. I was just a kid.

>>18416403
But i don't need help. Im fine. I'm just looking for opinions about me/trying to better understand myself. I'm really fine, life is moving pretty well for me right now and i am looking forward to the future. I've always been curious is all

>>18416413
I mean, nothing in your post suggests there's anything wrong with you. Do you feel like something is missing in your life? I'm sure something motivated you to come here and ask

>I do not have autism or any type of depression/anxiety/psych disorders

No, you're not 100% there. Something's unbalanced for sure.

>>18416424
Well yeah, I'm just different than everyone else. Like i said something is not there with me like it is with other people. Im not depressed or anything. Idk how to explain it maybe i shouldnt have even posted

>>18416440
Well then what? I don't understand. Tell me what's wrong, give me some type of opinion. What am i doing that's different from everyone else? I don't mean to be pushy here but this is my first time talking about this stuff

>>18416445
Nah don't feel like you shouldn't have posted. You feel like something is wrong and you want to get advice. Thats a good sign.
There is something wrong, but I don't think its cause your a sociopath.

>>18416445
You're going to have to elaborate, there's a million things that could be wrong, or you could just feel that you are different and be pretty normal ( a lot of anxious people feel this way). But feeling unable to connect with others is actually a pretty common thing these days

>>18416221
Would you or do you want to kill people?

>>18416456
That's the thing though, how can anything be wrong when im doing so well and feel well? Yet it's just always been there, this feeling like something is off. It can be seen in my behavior too. In high school i was one of the worst behaved kids in school (nothing ever involving drugs or alcohol or fighting, just causing shit), was labeled a "problem child", etc. Then agter high school i grew up out of nowhere, matured greatly, did great in college, but it's just always been there. This disconnect from people. I haven't had a "normal" path like almost everyone else.

>>18416478
Well if i could legally or in the spirit of warfare yeah. Im not homicidal though Yesterday i thought how nice it would be to be "free" to do whatever i want in war, with no restrictions or supervision, and how I'd like to capture people and light them on fire. Be able to just conquer people and lead an army. Change the world, make my presence known.

>>18416496
It's interesting, in most of your posts you write about normal you are then follow up with something jarring that suggests that you are not.

If I were to guess, and being totally honest here, I'd say you're the type of person that acts as though they are normal, but take pride in some internalized sense of difference (whether it's true or not). Like people who claim they're sociopaths or crazy, as if that has some sort of allure. Or troubled high schoolers who claim they crazy or 'hard' in order to create some artificial sense of control.

Honestly, I think you're likely just some normal guy or feels a bit different/ lacking in self esteem, and you're building those feelings into a narrative that is more interesting than the actual circumstances.

>>18416487
Well you feel well and you're doing well, thats good. The problem is more about connecting with people right? Was there a time you ever felt a connection with someone.
As for being a problem child, who cares, thats normal.

>>18416496
Ehhhh yeah I don't know how to interpret that...If that stuff makes you happy and you get pleasure from it, then that's kind of fucked up. Unless you want to kill people in the spirit of winning or fame?

>>18416513
I'm not childish enough to do that. Somebody who does that is fucking weird. Creating a gimmick like that, etc. Those people need to grow up. I asked for an honest answer and you gave one, so thanks. But i have to disagree with that. All of this that im writing is true. You've contributed and that matters, but i know this goes deeper. Idk what to do here. It doesnt make me a nervous wreck or bother me that much, but this place seems accepting and I've always wanted to get it off my chest so i posted.

>>18416519
Well yeah in the spirit of winning and fame absolutely. I like historical figures like Alexander, etc. But it does give pleasure as im sure it does for most people, that's how humans are. I like to think of scenarios where these people are just straight up against me and would kill me, and I win against them. But then the fire and torture stuff is just because it would look cool to light someone on fire.

And yes i have felt connections to people. In moments where me and my friends are laughing really hard at stuff i think "wow this is awesome", etc. But that's about as deep as it's ever gone. People are to different from me/dissapoint me too much to really care that much

>>18416522
I feel as though you're getting a little defensive, I would explore whatever is causing you to be uncomfortable, that might be a good way to get an idea of what might underlie this.

>>18416542
I did come off as it there. It was the implication that i was being immature and making something up. I put time into these posts and it just annoyed me. But i asked for honesty and you gave it.

>>18416536
Well that makes sense, and thats not too bad IMO.

With the connection part, I think thats why a lot of us has said its an imbalance of some kind. Because yes you had some connections, but nothing deep. You also mention the not caring.
If something happened in your past that made you reluctant or not able to connect or to care, then thats the reason you're like this. But it doesn't seem like the case. Hence the imbalance "diagnosis"

>>18416572
Yeah. I'm just curious as to what it is but i don't think we'll figure it out. Thanks though.

>>18416221
How about you go see a certified mental health professional instead of asking as bunch of randoms on the internet? No one here can diagnose you and what's wrong with you. You could have ASPD, or some other emotional disorder. You could be autistic and not realize it. There are a ton of problems you could have, and none of us are going to be able to give you a firm diagnosis. Go see someone that can actually help you out.

>>18416221
To be honest, I feel the same way. My mom and I always distanced ourselves and I grew cold as a result. Plus some other shit in my childhood. The shitty part is I have major depression and I feel as if telling people my thoughts or how I actually feel is so fucking cringy or burdening. Fuck I had to leave work early today because I felt so god damn suicidal. I'm just glad there are others like me somewhere in the world. Little hope gained