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I was bullied pretty much for my entire K-12 experience
I also had a mom that tended to ignore me and be very critical of my behavior and personality
As an adult I have become hypersensitive, quick to anger, and frankly abusive. I either love a person to death, hate them or are completely indifferent to their existence. I don't experience affection for many people and I'm really loathe to put in effort for other people unless there's something I can get out of it. I see all relationships as transactional. Also, I realized I've come to enjoy the drama of dysfunctional relationships. I thought I wanted peace but I found that whenever I'm dealing with peaceful people I get bored and start unconsciously looking for things to fight about no matter how petty. I love seeing how far I can push people, then when they get irate and start abusing me I both feel terrible but excited from the drama and I nuclear btfo them with everything I can which usually results in the end of the relationship in a very sour way. I have been blocked and am hated by many people I considered close friends or lovers. When the anger gets to the point where I'm thinking of doing something murderous or otherwise fucked up I redirect it inward and usually end up experiencing a deep deep depression. Why am I like this? How do I fix it? Killing myself is not an option.
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Wow, are you me?
>constantly feel the need to prove my former bullies wrong
>so conscious of myself I fuck up
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>how do you fix it
I don't know, OP. I'm somewhat similar but I direct more of my negative energy inwards rather than outwards. I hate myself and the only reason I'm living is because I'm too scared to die. I just try to be happy and force myself to do things. I think it's working, but it's taking a long time.
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>>18407655
>>18407673
There you are, my feelclones. Bullying + parents trying to be good parents, but with indifferent result.
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>>18407685
I'm >>18407673
Anyway, you guys have something to be proud about? I have a Bachelor's in STEM, at least.
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>>18407688
18407685 here. Soon bachelor in quite shitty, yet useful studies. But the thing I'm proud of the most is not killing myself ;p
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>>18407655
Work on your impulse control, you've obviously thought about why you do things and you understand the consequences so what is the gap between you knowing something but not doing anything about it? You might be able to get help for it but this is no guarantee you'll be able to find someone capable enough to both understand and formulate something with you that you can gradually practice and learn to change how you act, feel, or respond to things or your own feelings.
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>>18407655
Do you have access to mental healthcare?
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>>18407880
Because what you are describing sounds similar to borderline personality disorder.
>Childhood history of some kind of abuse.
>Tendency to mentally split other people or situations into either "completely good" or "completely bad."
>Inability to prevent yourself from imploding relationships.
>Borderline personality disorder frequently has either depression or anxiety attached.
Supposing that it is borderline PD, there is no specific medication indicated for that. However, dialectical behavior therapy, the goal of which is to help a person to be able to recognize when their actions are getting out of hand and to control their behavior, may be useful.
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