Don't know what to do with GF's borderline and weird

There's no way of changing her, and frankly I think she took you for granted. I would suggest to distanced her for a bit, see how it goes from there.

>>18399357
Re the borderline, good thing shes on meds and all but fuck man, I grew up with a borderline mother and that shit is the worst. It fucked me up pretty badly. Consider this - you keep sticking together and have a family, and BAM, all your potential children are 100% guaranteed to have mental illness, no matter how good you are. That's completely out of your control, too. I have 2 siblings and we're all over 20, and all have some pretty serious issues.

As for the porn thing, I don't really think it's related to her mental condition. I hear there's a thing called being a "brat" in certain scenarios of BDSM where the sub acts out how they're not into it to goad the dom.
Anyway, fantasy is different from reality. It's easy to assume it's all about the "rape" scenario or whatever, but in reality it could be she's looking for a situation where she has no control, but still in a safe environment. If that's not your thing it's not your thing. You have no obligation to share kinks with somebody if you try it and don't like it.

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>>18399402
That might be a good idea, but we live together in an apartment and it would be hard to do anything short of moving out

>>18399461
It was honestly pretty fucked up. I'd get shouted at for half an hour because of something stupid like I cut bread on plate instead of a cutting board. It was a cycle where there'd be something she'd be upset about, she'd be angry for 2-3 days and I'd tiptoe around and try to get on her good side, we'd make up, and then next week there'd be something new. Looking back on it I think it was a way of controlling me - if it was it worked pretty well. I'm pretty emotionally resilient but I almost got broken by the constant abuse.

To be honest, I never really thought about the fact that our kids one day would have serious mental health problems. I don't know if I'd want to do that to them

With the whole BDSM thing, it's kinda weird - she seems to want complete control over a relationship (at least she did before) but wants the complete opposite in bed?? She's told me before that it's kinda like she can only ever be completely dominant or submissive, and that she probably would have ended up with an abusive partner if it wasn't for me

>>18399465
The meds aren't quite like that man. They're beta blockers

Sorry for the wall of text guys - it just feels kinda good to vent. I haven't really told anyone else about this stuff

>>18399529
Sigh. My ex girlfriend had bad anger issues but never over things that small. I was with her for 4 years and i broke up with her two weeks ago. It was the right choice anon. It sucks but I don't deserve that and neither do you.

>>18399529
>she seems to want complete control over a relationship but wants the complete opposite in bed??

Holy fuck dude that's like, 90% of subs. That's why its a bedroom thing. Even movies/tvshows have the stereotype of rich powerful men who like to pay some dominatrix to spank them.
The more control they have over life/others the more appealing it is to be able to relinquish it all.

>living with a borderline gf
This won't end well. Borderlines are the worst people out there to have a relationship with. They will ruin you. They will turn you into a person who hates even the idea of having a partner. I'd rather marry a child rapist than live with a borderline. And this is not an exaggeration.

Do yourself a favor and leave now.

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To be honest we're on a bit of a break right now. It's a long story but basically the meds squashed her sexual drive, and she never would want to have sex, or she'd do shit like pretend to want to have sex until I showed interest and then turn me down just to know that I wanted her.

It felt pretty bad because even though shit in the past was bad, the sex was never an issue. If we had sex regularly I could barely keep up with her sexual drive, and I knew she wanted me. After the meds started I felt unwanted and kinda sick of being turned down all the time - that paired with sitting around the house alone for the entire day while trying to find a summer job led to me jerking it to porn a couple times. I stopped doing it in the past for her before, but when she found out it turns out she had been doing the same thing for months the entire time while I wasn't supposed to. She was really upset and we're taking a break for a month now.

I honestly regret doing it, but maybe some part of me just really wanted to get out no matter how much I love her

>>18399539
Jeezus, how does that feel? I've spent my entire adult life with her so it seems impossible to imagine my life otherwise sometime. How are you doing?

>>18399568
>They will ruin you. They will turn you into a person who hates even the idea of having a partner.
can confirm

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>>18399568

Even when she's on meds? It's gotten a lot better but she still does blow up and do childish stuff just to bother me. Like she'd throw bits of dust onto my laptop or try to poke me in the asshole any time I lean over and shit like that. I tell her not to do it and she either calls me childish or just keeps on doing it. It's like she does it just because I'm not prone to freaking out about stuff like that and knows she can get away with it.. It sounds petty but it adds up on you

Maybe she wants to get me riled up? She's told me before that she finds me really hot when I'm angry.

The more I talk about it the more the whole relationship seems fucked up. My family was telling me to break up with her for years

>>18399632
Personal experiences?

>>18399626
Meds do that. They can make it so much harder, and when I was on them they completely killed my libido. I mean full on physically unable to feel a thing no matter what sort of shit.
You're left with the choice: either find new ways in the bedroom, or stop having sex entirely.
But I'm just informing you about the meds here, honestly I still think being with someone who is borderline is the worst thing you can possibly do for yourself.

My fear for OP is that his GF (A) has rape fantasies and (B) is borderline.

What's to stop her the next time she's angry at you and wants attention from revising history and claiming that rape play was real?

I'm not one of those MRA neckburds who are all "all women lie about rape it never actually happens" as false accusations are rare, but this isn't a typical woman, it's a woman with an illness that makes her unstable, fear abandonment, act impulsively and recklessly, and swings between idealizing and hating somebody based on the sorts of grievances that are expected in normal relationships.

I hate to say"leave her because she's ill," because it seems awful to cut off people with illnesses they didn't choose from society and the possibility of forming meaningful relationships, but you've also gotta think about yourself. What if she ruins your life?

>>18399654
meds wont do much. They work slightly better than placebo. SLIGHTLY.

In the end you cant treat borderline disorder with meds any more than you can treat laziness with meds.

What are the tell tale signs of a borderline personality?

>>18399654
>Personal experiences?
yes. i dont like to talk about it, but suffice to say that it was pretty horrific and abusive
its been almost 2 years. i still cannot develop actual feelings for anybody, despite my best efforts.

>What's to stop her the next time she's angry at you and wants attention from revising history and claiming that rape play was real?
THIS.

I am borderline myself and I would suggest maybe looking into what being borderline is a little more; many people with borderline personality disorder have issues with seeing things in any other way than black and white. This makes it really easy for us to detach ourselves emotionally when we feel like we might get hurt, especially in a fight. It's not that we don't care but more like we're good at turning our emotions off in times of high stress/anxiety because we don't' know how to deal with it.

unfortunately, this means a lot of borderline behavior can get better but just as quickly they can swing back to old behavior because they can turn off the switch if they feel slighted or hurt by you.

because of a lot of self hate they harbor from these inability to connect and being afraid of abandonment, a lot of people with BPD develop a lot of fucked up/masochistic tendencies. that's one of the reasons self harm is so common with BPD.

this is definitely abusive, and a lot of people with the disorder don't realize it.

if you're doubting the relationship, that right there is enough to let you know you need to end things. there are plenty of people out there that are just as beautiful that AREN'T abusive.

unfortunately it seems like she hasn't gotten the right therapy for her BPD, but if it's gone on this long, it becomes less and less likely that she'll actually seek help for it or want to change; at this point, most people will only pretend to change to make you happy. things will go good for a while but they always go back to being bad.

please get out while you still can and before you end up married or with children together.

>>18399654
people with BPD are always trying to get you to prove how much you love them by putting up with their shit; if you actually respond to them by getting angry or upset, they'll quickly switch to being defensive and that black and white thinking of theirs will make them think you don't love them. it's a very back and forth way of thinking; it's very selfish because they think of themselves as victims.

it's a very abusive way of thinking; they're testing you when they act like this.

I'm saying this because I used to be exactly like this until I got into therapy and was able to understand why I did what I did and how to deal with it.

she's basically riling you up to test your 'love'.

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>>18399777
OP here. This is based on my experience, and it's gonna seem pretty mean to people who suffer from it, but people with borderline are super manipulative. They're constantly hot and cold, and as an example will break up with you because they fear you breaking up with them. They hate rejection and will do anything to avoid it. Little things will set them off, and they'll constantly try to keep you under their thumb one way or another. They also can't deal with things that other people would take in their stride; my gf once had a breakdown for a couple hours because we were going to be slightly late to meeting up with her brother for coffee. We ended up be very late instead of slightly late, once I managed to console her.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but slightly more women then men have the condition.

Even with all that stuff, from their perspective they can't help it. She described it once to me that it was like everything rubbed her raw, and that she didn't have the emotional energy to deal with anything

>>18399668
There's no risk of that thankfully. We never did anything like that, and even though she has borderline I'm completely certain she wouldn't fuck me over like that

>>18399676
That's the thing. You can't treat it, you can only postpone it. Apparently the meds work less and less as time goes on.

Shes been on them for about 6 months. Originally she wasn't supposed to be on meds longer than a year and she was supposed to go through therapy, but I don't think it would do anything to be honest
It sounds like most people think I should just break up with her. I've gone through a lot with her but I don't know if our relationship can survive this most recent bump. I've read some real horror stories online about people with borderline, and she's honestly not as bad as most. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life though

>>18400177

To clarify I'm not blaming people who have the condition for everything they do - I've helped my gf out a lot by being there for her whenever she needed me, and I understand a little bit what it was like from her viewpoint. I'm just saying what I experience over the years


>>18399832

>>18399832
>>18399857
>>18399870

I really appreciate you guys sharing your experiences. I've had a tough time going through this and it's nice to talk to people who have seen it on both sides