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LONG POST INCOMING
No TL;DR
I think something is fundamentally wrong with me. I might have autism or something but I'm also kind of a bad person. I've been aggressive, manipulative and deceptive, but don't think of me as some tough guy because I'm also a complete pussy. I have zero musculature and I'm socially anxious. I have experienced depression during which I self-harmed and did a lot of embarrassing crazy things because I thought it would eventually condition me to become fearless. I don't really empathise with people, so I convinced myself I was a psychopath but I had to train myself to become fearless. I figured since I was already broken, I might as well double-down and be a criminal or something. I thought that if I tried to be normal, it wouldn't work, so I may as well give in and become a street thug or something. Except I'm short, skinny and effete so I would be raped and killed in minutes on the streets.
This all happened a year ago and I've since been trying to fix myself. I have rapidly matured compared to a year ago but I still feel like something is wrong with me and might never be fixed. As though I have something hiding inside me waiting to peek out from behind whatever veneer of normalcy I've managed to construct. I have friends and a girlfriend but my reputation is shit because of my past. My GF doesn't know much about my past although she knows I've suffered depression and she has seen my self-harm scars. She wonders why some people give us dirty looks. I'm not entirely sure myself because some of these people were friends with me when I was ill and seem not to like me anymore now that I'm trying to get better. Very strange.
People generally don't seem to respect me, even new people that I meet, both now and when I was ill.
Here's what I want to do:
>fix my reputation
>know what to do in social situations instead of guessing based on people's body language
>stop being a pussy
>let go of my past
>>
It will sound cheesy but meditate and work yourself inside out. Micro managing details like body language and social status is just gonna be another sociopathic game to play. Just meditate and observe your thoughts impartially and learn to love yourself, faggot.
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You sound like you have low empathy, which is a sign of autism. But you also sound like an edgy teenager, which is more likely.
>fix my reputation
If you were a straight-up dick to everyone, there's not much you can do. Blaming it on an undiagnosed mental illness will make you seem even worse.
The best thing to do is cut all of those people out of your life. I don't know why you give a shit about reputation unless you live in an extremely small town or still in high school.
>know what to do in social situations instead of guessing based on people's body language
Just be polite to everyone.
>stop being a pussy
Being polite is not the same as being a pussy. Pretending you're tough guy makes you look like a bitch.
>let go of my past
Just let it go, man. Everyone does embarrassing shit as a teenager. Accept what you've done and move on.
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>>18396138
>work yourself inside out
What does this mean?
>Just meditate and observe your thoughts impartially
OK
>learn to love yourself
How do I do that? If I search that on google, all I'm gonna find is self help books and blog posts for 35 year old wine-addicted single mothers with social anxiety disorder.
>>18396174
>you also sound like an edgy teenager, which is more likely
I'm 23. I seem to mature slower than normal, though. Physically and mentally.
>Just be polite to everyone.
This is where I'm at and it's an improvement but other people don't seem to respect me. I'm not good at setting boundaries and people sometimes take advantage.
>Everyone does embarrassing shit as a teenager
Yeah, I did the whole drunken-mess-falling-on-the-floor thing as a teenager, but one relatively recent thing I did was a lot more embarrassing than that. I was 21 and had taken a shitload of Xans.
Idk man it seems like sometimes I'm okay and think I'm doing well, but then suddenly I remember something from the past and start re-examining things. Recently I started thinking my entire life has been a lie. At my school there were some autistic kids and people kind of treated them with kid gloves - myself included. They all seemed to understand that the other spergs were treated with kid gloves, but not themselves. They would make fun of each other -- along with the rest of us -- seeming to think it increased their status with the non-autistic kids. Lately I'm wondering if I was in that group too and just didn't know it. I've had this feeling before, like my whole life is a lie that's been constructed to prevent me from realising that I'm crazy or retarded or something.
>>
If you're worried about it, then you care. You're probably normal. These are not things that bother people with autism or borderline personalities etc. Get some counseling.
>>
>>18396125
>embarrassing crazy things
What did you do?
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