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/adv/ I'm panicking I've posted this before, but a

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/adv/ I'm panicking

I've posted this before, but a short story of mine has won a relatively small competition with a prize reward of $1500.

But I can't even look at the story now. Every time I do I cringe and feel convinced I should withdraw and say I'm too shy or something. My name and photograph have already been posted on the internet and soon my story will be there too.

Is this just a basic fear that should be overcome?

Should I withdraw and wait until I'm absolutely certain of having written something worthwhile before consenting to make my "debut"?

I feel as if I'm about to emerge from my hermitage and reveal myself to be a pathetic, pitiable, childish dilettante and be washed away by the tide of mediocre "content" I have thus far refused to contribute to. I don't care about the money at all. I feel as if I have jumped the gun and simply rushed out a piece of prize bait that will earn a few laughs and a few approving nods but condemn me to mediocrity. I wrote two stories, one of which I was proud of, and this, which I knew was likely to entertain the judges.
Congrats anon!
Don't worry, remember these amateur comps are essentially vanity stuff, or to get entry money.
Nobody will read it except the people involved in the comp and your mum probs.

And it's good to be critical, it'll push you to be even better.
But the thing is that my name and photograph are both published ONLINE along with the story, so it's not difficult to get hold of if anybody comes across it. If it was just in print form I wouldn't care, but the fact it's on the internet makes me want to cut my veins open.
I've written some embarrassing stuff. My senoir year of hs all I did for writing assignments was creating bs stories or ironic shitpost stoures. Mainly random stuff that popped into my head at the time and found humorous . One even got me in trouble with a super religious teacher. I look back at them and cringe at the thought of my teachers reading them. But I don't regret a single one. You know why, because it teaches me a lesson to watch what I write, each thing I write will be seen by someone so I better make sure I don't embarrass myself.
But this shit is on the internet! I mean if it was a huge award with a respected panel of judges I'd feel a little more at ease, but this is pretty much just a community thing.
Well I've been in my towns paper a few times for things I've created and in reality the only people that noticed were all older adults like teachers or parents. But online, yeah unless it's on some shitty website made by adults that don't understand technology then you're fucked.
There's so much fucking shit online and you forget people don't actually read so the chances are very slim. This is why people use pen names, so at the end of the day they can separate their real name from all the artistic criticism.

Anyone fucks with you you can break it down and be like "well what did you do to to earn $1500? Flipped burgers for a month ok and now who's the faggot?"
It literally is on that kind of website. I think it's even written in comic sans.
Well then no one you know will see it if you don't tell them.
But what if they google my name. That's what I'm concerned about. That my story isn't that good and that I've gone from being a silent guy who some people believe has potential to some fag who writes gay stories in his spare time.
Ugh change your name or get over it is all I can say.
Yeah this happens to everyone. You just got to learn to take some pride and sell your work.

I won a mediumish brewing competition a few yeara ago. I stood to the side, saying my thank yous and shaking hands but I didn't really engage the crowd. "My competition was better" keep playing in my head. When the business cards where pulled out few went my way because I wasn't approachable.

Last year I won again and this time I was all smiles, and really nerded out about the whole competition. I got to tell my story and inspire a few people. In a couple weeks I will start producing a large batch of my brew with the help of a company I met at the competition. They are hosing me, but its a stepping stone, and I keep my rights.

Best advice: drink a cup of coffee and watch some Billy Mays videos.
There has never in history been an artist in any field - writer, painter, film maker, anyone - who hasn't felt the same. It goes with having artistic ambitions - you never feel that you caught the vision that inspired the work.

But ultimately you have to let it go, hope that some readers will catch some glimpse of what you wanted to say, and also believe (since it won an award) that what it DOES say (even if it's not quite what you wanted) is of value to readers and therefore something for you to be pleased with.
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