my husband thinks i'm a mean mom. he thinks that becau

there was another incident at the table.
the older nephew refused to eat his (two thumbnail sized pieces) of tomato. it's a table rule in our family that you can't have a second helping if you haven't eaten everything on the first plate, that includes veggies.
he started to whine about how he hates tomatoes, to which i replied that one can't always eat only the food one loves best. sometimes you have to eat what you get because you're hungry. and it's not like i'm asking him to eat fish eyes. it's only tomato.
he then started to cry.
i stayed firm and, surprise surprise, he ate his tomatoes and found it not even half as bad as he thought it would be.
at home, he just never has to even try if he simply says he "doesn't like" something.

i can't help but feel like this approach will only create little pussies who love to play victim. i don't want my kids to end up being entitled drama queens who think the world revolves around them, but it obviously makes me think that my husband believes me "mean".
what do you think, /adv/? do i need to tone it down?

>>18335350
>>18335405
Wtf. Stop questooning yourself, and stop seeking approval! Of course you did the right thing! Carry on! Your parenting is good from what I've read!

>>18335416
i don't usually question my parenting, but it does make me stop and rethink if my own husband thinks i'm being mean. after all, i'm the mom of HIS kids too and i can't just parent them however i want.
i do think we should have some common ground.
problem is, his parents never did what i did. his mom is even proud to tell me that my husbands brother didn't eat anything than plain pasta for two weeks straight and she cooked that for gim every single day separately. i can only shake my head at such foolery.
i on the other hand got raised in a similar fashion that i do it.
and just as an example of a possible outcome, i don't like coffe and chocolate. that's it (from all the food i ever tried. can't say i've tried ape brain for example). my husband on the other side doesn't like cheese, mushrooms, anything spicy, almost every veggie, garlic, onions, all herbs, ginger, the list is almost endless. if he was left alone, he would only eat pizza margharita and mac and cheese like a 3 year old. i don't want my kids to end with such a restricted view of life.

You're parenting is just fine. Better than most I'd say. Keep up the good job. Your husband needs to stop being a pussy and support your discipline

Your husband sounds like the biggest dumbest pussy ever

>>18335445
>>18335457
well, to be fair, he doesn't know it any other way. that's how he got raised and he loves his parents dearly. he still thinks they are some demi-gods that never made a mistake. he just plain refuses to see any correlations between their upringing and issues he has as an adult.
we've talked about this topic a few times already. his answer is always "me and my brother turned out just fine". but what he blatantly overlooks is that he ended up being dependant, picky and has huge anxiety and selfesteem issues. his brother i's fat and has extreme intimacy issues. if that's his definition of "just fine", i really don't know...

i am very strict and i sometimes get "glances" from strangers when we're out and about. so i do sometimes think that i'm overdoing it a bit.
for example, yesterday i went to a local event with my son and all went fine. but then he saw some kids throw around stones and thought it would be fun to do that too. he knows exactly that throwing rocks around people is a no-go. i reminded him and he kept going. i warned him that if he does it one more ime we will go home. he continued, so i promptly took his hand, went to the car and home.
if i say something, i mean it. a lot of parents i observe just babble enpty treats. those are the ones giving me "looks" when i follow trough with the consequences.
i just find it to be extremely dangerous to say something and not mean it. how should your kid know when you mean something and when you don't if you switch that up depending on how lazy you are to actually get your ass up, pack your stuff and ho home if that's what you told your kids to be the consequence of their behaviour.

>>18335350
You sound more like a military father than a mother. Of course you have a right (short of abuse) to raise your kids the way you see best. But it would be nice if you paused to look at some situations from the kids' perspective.

It is obvious to you that getting stuck in an elevator is no big deal. But suddenly finding yourself alone, cut off from the other kids, and not sure what to do can be legitimately panicking to a 2 year old. To kids trying to make sense of a world in which everything happens to them from outside, taking a stand on what they'll eat is one of the very few opportunities they have to have any power at all. To a little kid who relies on adults for protection, "just letting him cry" seems like refusing him one of the few things - love - he has thought he could count on.

It is not your rules and methods you might want to reconsider, but your attitude toward what you have forgotten are very, VERY fragile egos.

>>18335479
Your husband sounds like he has a lot to grow up
You on the other hand sound like a good parent and frankly human being in general
Tell your husband what you told us. That you think he has big issues

Your husband and kids are lucky to have a person like you in their lives.

You sound openminded and very trustworthy.

Now fuck off the internet and proceed.

>>18335350
Being too nice to your children can make them
>spoilet brats
>4chan r9k residents unable to do anything on theor own
Being too rough with them can make them
>next school shooter
>being afraid of you to come for any help
>make them very cold to you once they grow up

I think the best scenario is one nice parent who they use to cuddle, share pain with, beg for new toys and candies and have fun with and the other is just walking punishment and source of constant fear and motivation to do better.

The key is to balance things. Dont make them too dependable on you or too afraid to come for help to you.

>>18335484
you do have a point, i agree.
but i acknowledged that what happened to him in the elevator was scary and that he needs comforting, which he refused (he only wanted mom, understandable). i did not tell him to "pull himself together and stop crying". i explained to him what happened and which button to press if that ever happens again.
i don't usually let a sad kid "cry it out", but if he refuses comforting from me, what else should i do? just sit next to him and look at him with puppy eyes, telling him how much of a poor boy he is?
i offered my "love", but i can't push it on him.


it's also not that i decide like a sergeant what's on the table and everybody has to eat it. we do weekly meal plans and every family member can pick a number of meals (i pick 2, my husband picks 2, my son picks 2 and one we decide together or eat out). every member also can say 5 items he never has to eat and that's respected. and every morning and evening, we have a selection of food to chose from. it's only the lunch that's set. i don't think that's too opressing and leaves no room for personal preferences.

i'm aware that egos are fragile and i take that into consideration. my goal is not to get puppets and "break their will". but to me, having to eat tomatoes is not too much to ask for. i do respect my son and also my nephew and the fact that they have theor own will and personality, but if your character includes throwing rocks at people, there's where i draw the line of "personality development".

>>18335489
i told him all i just told you. but it doesn't get trough to him somehow.

he's also aware of his issues, he just thinks that's "how he is" and it has nothing to do with, for example, his mom coddling him like a baby after reaching adulthood.

>>18335497
yeah, i should probably do exactly that. i just needed a reality check, i will provably talk to my husband once he comes home from work because it bugs me that he finds me so monstrous.

>>18335499
ah, i don't think that's very fair to the parent who has to be "the law". i would love to buy my kids new toys every day. that's not the problem. but i also see that they will only become spoiled brats, lose all sense for the worth of possesions, never value and respect their stuff and never learn that money doesn't gros on trees. so i have to have set rules on how and when we buy new toys (we don't buy stuff just because. if you saw something you want, you can tell me and we see how much money you already have in your piggy bank, then we calculate how much more you need. then you tell me where in your room you would put it away. if there's no room, you first have to get rid of something else you no longer need. after that, i will gladly give you some extra money to buy the new toy, but a small percentage has to be earned by doing small chores that get you set amounts of money).

my own son is not afraid of me at all and comes to me if he needs comforting or help. and he can get that wverytime of the day. i love him dearly and if he is in distress, i'm never going to push him away or refuse to give him love or the help he needs.
other kids sometimes are intimidated by me, that's true. i believe that's because they are NOT used to someone setting boundaries and actually mean it. or that's what i hope.

Not really a critique of your parenting, but do keep in mind that children have a greater number of tastebuds than we as adults have.

And rarely this can be a manifestation of a food allergy.

>>18335559
i'm well aware of this. keep in mind, i don't force anything down anybodies thorat or make them eat something that legitimately makes them throw up or gag.
i also don't tell them that i will spank them if they don't eat or whatever.
i have done my research on kids and food. i never cook anything that has a "fancy" taste and i make sure that it's mostly familiar stuff i put on the table. (some examples might be breaded fish, rice and cooked carrots or pasta with minced beef and tomato sauce). but i'm also aware that your brain needs 50 tries to accept a new consistency or taste and that's why my son HAS to taste something new a few times before he can say he thoroughly dislikes it. and by tasting i mean, take a bite the size of a pea... he has no problems with that. he tastes everything, even stuff i wouldn't think he would. and i don't make him taste stuff that's, for example, spicy or something like sushi if he doesn't want to himself.
i cook kids friendly, so i do expect that one can eat up everything on the plate. ofc if somebody has had enough, he doesn't have to finish up. but you can't leave the salad on the plate and ask for more pasta. that's the only rule.

>>18335571
oh and i know that it might be a sign of an allergy (and that tomates are rather high intolerance risk since they are from the nightshade family). but if you just never try them just because "ewww it has seeds in it", then that's not "intolerance". that's just being god damn picky.
i swear, some kids would really need a famine once...

>>18335537
You sound like nice mom. But with your current husbands attitude i am afraid you will have to be the law more than often. Just wait for your kids to hit puberty, then the real fun begins. Until then it is almost too easy, they behave almost like a pet. Then you wake up one day and boom, nothing what you will do be right or good enough for them.

Stay cool and maybe whip your husband in line too. And if you feel like other parents criticize you, just tell them how they children are mess so they have no right to talk to you like that.

>>18335350
>either they eat what's on their plate or there's no food till the next meal
Because three are no compromises in parenting? Because children shouldn't be given wide latitude when it comes to control over their own basic biology needs as soon and as much as they can handle? Because otherwise you get neurotic children?

>i never cook something that kids don't usually like.
Involving them in the decision is totally out of the question tho in your mind because your kids are too young? Developmentally delayed?
>i told him that i understand he got scared but that it was just the door closing. i asked him if he wants to get some cuddles, but he just wanted to sit on the couch and scream.
He wanted to sit and scream so you didn't comfort him. Sounds awfully heartless, considering a young child doesn't have the capacity to fully reason beyond the level of a learned response. He was alone and scared and mom gives him the choice whether he wants affection, but he doesn't understand because he's a little kid, alone and scared. All he knows is that his brothers left him alone in a scary little elevator, then mom got fed up with his bitching about it and left him too. He will grow up knowing that nobody cares about his fears, that there's no protection, that he'll always be alone. That's fucking cold, anon.
>if you get a trauma from THAT, maybe you need a trauma
Way to invalidate the fears of a toddler who barely understands what fear is beyond the instinctive level.
>my nephew was very pleased with the attention his fit got and started to scream even more.
You soulless bitch. Your husband encouraged his nephew to express himself, and you insinuate that he's an attention seeking pussy for doing it. Modern feminism, everybody.
>oh wonder, as soon as he was out the door, the little one stopped crying alltogether.
Because the only person who gave a shit about him left.

>>18335405
Get a divorce and give your husband custody. Clearly you hate kids and don't know shit about raising them.

>>18336053
Shut up you horrible pussy.

>>18335405
You did everything right. Don't worry.

>>18335350
A panicking 2 year old doesn't need to be told to stop crying, and he doesn't need instructions on how to work an elevator.

He needs a hug.

Both literally and metaphorically, as your husband did, acknowledging his fear and assuring him that he was not alone.

And if he doesn't get it, if he gets the message that his unhappiness is wrong, he will doubly panic, because the one solid thing he has been able to count on in his short life - the love of the people he loves - seems to be being withheld.

The only way his undeveloped brain can process that is that he is bad and nobody loves him any more. And THAT is what he was crying about on the couch.

>>18336078
>t. Guy who's insecure because he's remembering how wanting the affection and attention of his own mother made him a pussy in her eyes, creating a complex whereby any positive emotion or empathy is seen by him as weakness.

>all those overly emotional cucks ITT

Have fun having a beta bitch of a son.

>>18335350

You sound like a good parent OP. I don't see anything wrong with your response.

Kek OP, you sound like my own mother. Keep up with the good work, we need more parents like you.

>>18336093
>>18335350

To elaborate: My mom raised me in a similar manner. For example, she made me eat the amount of brussels sprouts I had as age (I hated brussels sprouts as a kid). Didn't spoil me uneccissarily, and taught me actions have consequences & that I sometimes have to do stuff even though I dont want to.

Now I can say I grew up to be a proper self supporting individual, that sucks it up and doesn't quit when things get tough.

>>18336084
you either didn't read the thread at all or you have very bad reading comprehension. i did all that.

>>18336127
And now you read that reply again. The "all that" you did were things I said it was wrong to do

>>18336086
Lolwut. Being thus retarded to justify pampering. Grow some balls young man lmfao

>>18336130
Lol she hugged the kid and he kept yelling like a pampered idiot can you people not read

>>18336130
and now you go back and read what i wrote again.
i never told him to "stop crying" and i tried to hug him. he pushed me away, beacause he only wanted mom and i wasn't mom. i never made him feel like his fear was out of place. i fully acknowledged it, but i had no intentions to try to comfort a screaming kid for half an hour that refused comforting. Sure, i'm not his mom, that's why he didn't wanted me. but all i can do is offer to comfort him and acknowledge his fear. which i both did.
i have other stuff to do, like make sure lunch doesn't burn. he's not going to make everybody wait for their food just because he wants to be stubborn.
i know he cried because he wanted mommy, but that wasn't possible and all i offered he didn't want. so yeah, he might have to learn the lesson that sometimes you have to work with what you got.

And i just showed him to press "this" button and the door would open, so he never gets in that situation again.

>>18335405
Don't be an idiot and force people to eat things they don't like.

>>18336153
You would make a horrible parent. Have fun raising your fat dog.

>>18335484
This

>>18336153
because in life you always get only the stuff you want? nice lesson there kiddo.
what about gratefulness for the food put on the table?

I'd start out by asking your husband if he thinks that being mean is the same thing as being neglectful. Perhaps his viewpoint is that you don't care or aren't seeing the big picture. You probably have very similar viewpoints on how children should eventually be as adults, but different ideas of how to get there. Maybe it would help to ask him to explain his thought process when he thinks you are mean, because it's as much about him as it is about your own actions. If he can see more clearly that you are being tough love (vs. just tough) then it might help him understand your thoughts on this issue. At the end of the day, you both feel you know what is best and you both want the same things. It's not wrong to have different parenting styles and it is usually helpful to intermingle those styles, both for your kids and you- it never hurts to have more tools in the mix.

>>18335350
Gee whizz I sure miss those nostalgic childhood days where the world was so much bigger and exciting and I couldn't get my fill of tomato-mozzarella salad.

You're doing fine. You could stand to be a bit less pissy (like if you don't want my cuddles then fuck you, kid) but overall you're certainly doing better than your faggot of a husband. It is a fine line between being assertive and being an asshole, but it's better to walk that line than let your kids walk all over you.

>>18336160
Good luck raising kids in an abusive and power hungry environment.

>>18336202
yeah, you're right, my patience could be better. i might be a bit stressed atm and my nerves running on the low side. but that's a matter of time, then i should not be so pissy anymore.

>>18336214
People get stressed, people lose their patience, it happens, so long as it doesn't become a pattern and you work at improving it you'll be absolutely fine.

>>18336084
And an undeveloped toddler brain also needs time to adjust for itself, because anyone who has spent any time with toddlers know they cry about everything. They cry when tired, when hungry, when happy, when you use the wrong word, when you give them the wrong food...and yet that is also how they learn. They are learning how to communicate and if you drop everything to attend to those tears every single time, you will teach them nothing. They will assume crying gets them the attention they seek and you will stunt their emotional growth. Why learn how to solve problems or how to communicate if a helicopter parent is always there to fix things?

It's fine to comfort kids but if they don't want it, it's just as mean to force it onto them. OP might need to learn to be a bit more tender, but she's raising tiny humans. Sometimes a judgement call in a moment may seem cold when it's really exactly what that child needs and is asking for.

>>18336227
i never feel like i completely lost it and overreacted. my tolerance for unreasonable behaviour is just lower, but i don't shout/hit or anything. i just stick to the etablished rules (ofc within reason, i'm raising a kid, not a robot).

>>18335350
https://www.healthyeating.org/Blog/Article/1798/Please-Stop-Asking-Your-Kids-to-Eat-Their-Veggies.aspx

>>18336231
rushing at every whimper is exactly what my sister does and i guess that's probably why my nephew couldn't comprehend what was going on.

but i agree that i am not a very tender person. never was. maybe i whould learn to be a bit softer. but how would i do that if it doesn't come naturally?

>>18336243
oh i know all about that approach. you know what? that teaches kids only that life is all about you getting everything you want, whenever you want it.
kids simply don't know what's good for them. sure, to some extend, but not with the sensual overload of todays world. if you want to use that as an argument you would also need to let them roam free on the road/eat as much sweets as they want/watch tv uncontrolled/stay up aslong as they want, because "their body knows just fine what's good for them". that's anti authoritarian parenting and borders on neglect.

>>18336243
She isn't forcing them to eat their veggies, she gives them the choice "eat it or stay hungry".
Giving them what they want when they want will only lead to be picky like her husband.

>>18336263
Triggered much?

>>18336282
She is letting her kids dictate to her what they will do and turning it into a "trust" exercise. Ridiculous.

>>18335350
> it's a table rule in our family that you can't have a second helping if you haven't eaten everything on the first plate

That's a stupid rule and you sound like a cunt. I hate tomatoes. Just because you enjoy everything you stuff into your fat self doesn't mean everyone else does.

Honestly it sounds like you get easily frustrated and are too quick to show tough love. While it can be good in moderation, too much of it will lead to resentment and cold feelings from your family.

You can still be comforting to a scared child without playing into their drama like your husband did.

File: 1452911354962.jpg (151KB, 539x810px) Image search: [Google]

151KB, 539x810px

>>18336263
You know you could explore menu options with your child and treat it as a learning experience that there are things out there are probably foods out there tgat provide the same nutrition, but that they enjoy. It gives them a foundation with which to make choices, and teaches them to watch their nutritional intake.

Or, you know, force feed them shit they don't like to assert your dominance over a child. That works too.

>>18336328
I love you I was forced to eat fish every week as a child and still can't eat it now... even though I'd like to because it's healthy

>>18335350
kid sounds like a faggot. good job mom, its mommies like you that need to stamp out this ptsd and trauma bullshuit that society plays into nowadays. can i pwease suckle your nipples while you rub my weenie?> i wuv you i want u mommy please let little boy fuck mommy pwease

Well, a couple of things.

I don't think you're a bad parent. Maybe a little strict? Teaching young kids To always work for money or making them get rid of a toy to get a new one is a little callous. Sometimes it's nice to show the lesson that people just care about you and that you love your kid. Making him get rid of stuff just sets the idea that there's never enough room in life and that you should give up on old favorites (whether that be possessions or people) for whatever is shiny and new.

I don't think your lunch menu sounds very kid friendly. Roast potatoes and chicken breast with a bizarre salad isn't kid food. Yeah, you should expand your kid's horizons, but frankly, later in life you DO get to pick what to eat, so encourage him to pick his own foods and select healthy choices instead of saying "you're gonna eat this and be gracious for the opportunity to choke it down," because the instant he has any freedom he's going to chow down on McDonald's all day because you can't stop him.

Finally, I think you need to be more lenient and open with your nephews or what have you. They are used to different parenting and it's not right of you to try to impress your more strict rules on them. As a kid I got sent to my aunt and uncle's for a week, where they forced me to finish my plate before leaving the table (they were all fat cows so I was eating long after I was full), forced me to share the three toys I had brought with me with their kids (who broke my toys), and yelled at me fiercely for doing things that were allowed at home, like watching the Simpsons. I didn't grow from the experience, I just hated them and would sob and sob any time mom wanted to send me there. It was a bad experience, and I hated them for a long time.

>>18335350
You are a great parent and I wish my parents were stricter with me all the time.

>>18336213
Lol just eat the vegetables anon

File: 1433345106414.jpg (55KB, 561x543px) Image search: [Google]

55KB, 561x543px

>>18336328
You sound like a privileged faggot. In my family, if you GOT lunch, it was a good day. On those days, I'd fucking kill for tomatoes or fish or anything, really.

When my father got home from work, he expected everything to run perfectly. If we didn't make sure dinner was ready and served hot? Beating. If we made his martini with too much vermouth? Beating. If we made any noise at all during our beatings? Oh God, that was a beating.

All you fucking millennials with your made up princess traumas need to thank God you have it so good.