i have intimacy issues and have a long history of keeping people

>>18287658
It's hard to say, it could be for all sorts of reasons.

>i feel like he somehow snapped and this is my punishment for my "intimacy issues"
objectively it seems like this could be stretching. he might be struggling with work, why did he switch to shifts?

>>18287691
yeah, you're right. that statement was pretty stupid and just me being frustrated and making assumptions.
i asked him and he said he's fine and he enjoys the work.
he worked there before, but had a long break of 1,5 years because of school and military (which is obligatory here). it's not completely new for him, but he hasn't worked shift anymore since we were together.
i told him imm concerned that we don't have so much time together anymore, to which he agreed. his solution was to make the tume we have count, which i thought was a very good idea. it's just that i don't see him do exactly that anymore and it scares me...

>>18287740
Ok but why did he go back to doing shifts?

>>18287761
because that's his job. he never quit it, he just left to finish school and get done with military service. he already had the contract.

>>18287841
Ok, so maybe work doesn't have anything to do with it. Or maybe it's the reason. It's very hard to say and you can only find out by speaking to him, or maybe his family or friends (be careful with this though) if you get on well with them, they might have some insight.

Give him space for a few more days but then you really need to force the issue. Explain how you feel, then ask him how he feels. Good luck Anon.

>>18287658
>I tried to talk to him about it and he just blames it on me "needing time for myself". which i told him is not true. ofc that was a topic before, because he wanted to consume my every free second and i am a lone wolf.

Hmmm,.... I just posted something in the ask the opposite gender thread about an unrelated issue, that might also be applicable to you're situation:


>We've all got different opinions, ideologies, and tolerances, but the important thing in a relationship (and even as basic humans) is to respect eachothers ability to hold that autonomous judgement, and to respect each others boundaries and limitations.

>If he's not doing that and it's making you uncomfortable, let him know. If he persists, maybe y'all aren't meant to work out.

>I always say on here relationship isn't about compromise, but you should never compromise your core ideology--the stuff that makes you who you are and defines the kind of person you want to be.

>When you're building your life together with someone else, some compromises can make everything more stronger and reliable--like your spreading a little of the load that comes on you with them and everything becomes more stable--but sometimes, your base foundation is so different, so incompatible, that in order to make a compromise you'd have to bend over backwards, reorder so much other shit in your life, and twist things to an abuse degree on one side or the other in order to be able to connect, and those compromises tend not to create a stronger support and foundation, they warp ehats there and create extra burden weakening one or both foundations as a whole.

>I'm not saying that's necessarily that's what's happening here, I'm just saying that you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Make sure that this is just a fleeting thing and not something that will bite you ass later and weaken your own foundation as a person.

>>18287855
i'll try to talk to him again later today.
i think he would feel betrayed if i talked to his family and friends about this.

thanks a lot for the advice.

>>18287878

Now more Specific to you and your problems with him, it might be that you both have different needs and wants, that might be afundamentally very different people and are creating strain on your relationship by train to compromise on something that isn't something that can be compromised.

Resulting in him eventually feeling the strain of it, and lashing out now.

Is that nesesarily true? I have no idea.

Is there a solution to this other than to find someone else who shares similar values to you?

Once again, I have no idea.

This is something you guys need to talk about and work to find an answer for together.

You need to understand what one another is feeling, to understand each others greviances, to understand each others character and see if there's something you can do to work to resolve them.

It won't be an easy process and there might not be an answer. Ultimately the answer might be to walk away. However, if you can overcome that and work together to find a solution that leaves you both happy, your relationship will be in a much stronger and stable place for it.

>>18287883
Yea I wouldn't advise being too be specific, just ask them how he seems lately. It really depends how close to/open with them he is.

>>18287878
thanks for that.
i do think that we have been able to find compromises without going against our core ideologies. i know he would need more closeness and he knows i would need more freedom, but we both took a step towards the other and met in the middle.
the issue at hand emerged suddenly. do you mean it could be a symptom of him not being able to make a conpromise in making a step towards me concerning his need for closenes? iow, this compromise was him giving up a core ideology he can't live without?
that would make us inherently incompatible, since i can't go all the way in this compromise without denying my own core needs.

that's why i made that comment about this possibly being my "punishment" for asking him to give me some more freedom because i need it (freedom in our case just means that i need half an hour every evening to wind down from work by doing something all by myself like going for a run, read a book, take a bath or play some piano. i'm not talking about that "i need space" shit that actually means "let's fuck other people".)

i'll bring this up to him tonight and maybe we need to readjust our compromise concerning closenes and distance.

i just hope we won't come to the conclusion that we're just not meant to be...

>>18287887
when we started dating, i wasn't able to open up and i couldn't tolerate bodycontact for very long. i have no problem with that anymore, the only thing i ask him for is that half an hour after work and that i can't fall asleep whilst cuddling.
i think i made progress in that area and i feel like i was able to do so without denying my core needs but by resolving stuff that needed work.
he has (in my opinion) a very high need for intimacy and closenes. i even feel like it borders on possesivenes. it's extremely difficult for me to tell if that's just my perception because it's so different from my needs or if he actually is too clingy for it to be healthy. he refuses any comments from me that hints that he could also have issues (i suspect his possesivenes is driven by his low selfesteem. it takes nothing and he questions everything. my love for him, if i even want to be with him, if i want to spend the rest of my life with him,... all that because of something like me telling him we can't have unprotected sex for a week because i have a bladder infection and my doc told me so.) everything i do that goes against his constant need for intimacy is a rejection for him and rejection equals "she doesn't love me" in his books.
this is very difficult for me because it sometimes makes me go over my own boundaries to not cause drama (like have sex with him even when i don't feel like it because i know it would cause a huge drama if i said no right now).

thanks for giving me food for thoughts. i'll see how that talk tonight will go.

>>18287895
he's rather distant and not very open towards family and friends (his own words). i donmt think they would know something he hasn't told me.
and he has basically stopped spending time with them anyways (despite my attempts to make him realize that this would be important and that he will regret it some time later), since he really can't stand to not be at home and basically cling to me. i mean, that was how it was. and now it suddenly changed completely, which is somewhat concerning. a bit relieving, but i don't think it's coming from a good place.