If I knew how to summarise this it wouldn't be so long.

Ldrs are cancer my dude. You played yourself like a damn fiddle. I hope you get over it and realize that 3D is the way to go.

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cont. >>18286969

A couple of days later she decided it would be best to just be friends, I reluctantly agreed. We still talked for a couple of weeks, but no more playing/sexting. As it happened, a couple of weeks later I went to Canada to visit my family. This was the first time we were in the same time-zone, prior to that I'd been using my white male neet privilege and staying up til 5am every night to talk to her.

I didn't have much to do while I was there so we started speaking more and more again. After a couple of days she told me how much she missed me and begged me to play with her again. It was great - just like old times and we both enjoyed it thoroughly. We continued for a couple of weeks, but when I had to go back to the U.K. I told her we should stop. I knew the time difference and the distance it would be too much.

We went back to being friends, drifted apart a bit, and after a few more weeks I told her I wanted her back. We played again for a little while, but it wasn't the same anymore. A week or two later she told me she wanted to go back to being friends. Again I reluctantly agreed because I loved her, but I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to touch her - of her being alone, in reality, every day. She swore we'd always be friends.

A month or two later she told me she'd met a new master, how they'd been out camping, drinking wine that had been cooled in the river - how he was getting to do all the things I'd wanted to do with her. I told her I didn't really want to know. I wanted to be happy for her but it hurt so fucking bad to hear.

2/x

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cont. >>18286989

We started to drift further apart, texting once a week, then once a month. She told me how she loved the feeling of getting list in him, being slowly wrapped around his little finger, losing all control

I knew this was part of who she was, and I'd enjoyed the same with her. But this time it was different. He was driving a wedge between her and her family. And her friends, not just me, which I could understand, but everyone she knew. Friends, housemates, her sister, everyone was a threat to this guy's control apparently.

It made me sick to my stomach. I could control her in a room full of the people with a single word, from 3000 miles away. He couldn't even control his own temper.

I set her free out of love and she squandered it, to the point that it felt like almost as if it was to spite me.

One day, she sent me a message on Skype - she was going to remove me as a contact. It wasn't just me, she was cutting everyone out. I didn't beg, but I told her I thought she was making a mistake, I tried to reason with her. To no avail.

She excised me like cancer. I was crushed. I tried to pick myself up and move on.

A few months later I got a job, it wasn't great, but the company seemed like it had potential. I worked hard, I became good at it, really good. It became my everything. It was tough, I'd joined at a bad time (staffing issues) but I powered through. Acquire currency and all that.

After 9 months the positions I wanted to be promoted to became available. I applied and had a meeting with the director of our department about it. He told me to withdraw my application, there was no point, that I wasn't going to get it. I wasn't performing well enough in one of the areas that wasn't a metric and it was a deal breaker. I was crushed, sure it had been mentioned, but never made clear that it was a deal breaker.

3/x

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cont. >>18287001

The job went to a guy who had joined 3 months after me. He was a hack, he didn't have the product knowledge, his specialisation was basically bullshitting people until they gave up or got someone else to deal with it. He never helped the rest of the team - he couldn't even if he had wanted to because he didn't know enough to be of any help anyway. To make it worse, the senior team had been telling me for months that they wanted me for the job. Then it turned out they'd stabbed me in the back, had encouraged him to apply and spoken up for him over me in meetings.

I started to loathe the job. It was fine when I was still learning things, when I had something to shoot for. But it became a pointless grind. I started smoking weed again more and more, at least that felt good. I'd sext with random subs from time to time, but nothing serious ever came from it.

I resolved not to be defeatist. Another position would have to open up eventually. I redoubled my efforts. I learned more about the system, in my spare time I made a couple of applications for it - one of which the Professional Services team started to use, it even made it's way into the hands of one of our 3rd party partner companies.

In meetings with my manager he praised my performance, I was smashing quality, one of the things we supposedly value the most, but he told me it looked bad that I stayed late every day. I explained I was happy to, I wanted to learn more, I could do more because it was quiet. This was all true, but really I didn't have anything to go home for anyway, all that was waiting for me was weed, CoD and unwashed dishes.

4/x

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cont. >>18287015

6 months later another position did come up. It wasn't the one I really wanted, but I was already doing 50% of the role anyway (team lead) because I was already the most senior person on the team and the go-to for help/advice. I'd be working a bit less hard, trying to leave on time to appease management.

They gave it to the other guy who applied, on the basis that "he just wanted it a bit more". It was true, but I was pissed at the absolute lack of meritocracy in this company now. None of my colleagues could believe it either.

I carried on for a month of so, I'd pretty much given up inside and it was starting to show a bit, but I did my best to hold it in. Stiff upper lip, quiet desperation is the English way. Most of the skills I'd learned were product-specific and non-transferable. I couldn't stand the thought of starting over in the same job elsewhere, and I couldn't get a better one.

Finally I had some time off, something I'd had minimal amounts of for the last 18 months. I had almost 2 full, blissful weeks of doing nothing, my comfy old neet lifestyle. Weed, video games and sexting with subs all day er'day.

My first day back afterwards was fine. It wasn't busy, it was nice to see my colleagues again, the job had never been easier.

But that night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night. 6am came and went, I knew I wasn't going to make it in that day. Depression started to sink in. I called in sick that day. And the next. I didn't bother to on the third. My manager texted me and I told him I'd be off for a few days until I could get to see the doctor. on the 6th day of being off, I saw him and he wrote me a sick note for depression. He sent me off with some info on SSRI anti depressants.

I couldn't get the girl from the start of this story out of my head. It killed me not knowing how she was. I'd literally checked the obituaries in the state she was from a couple of times in the year and a half that I hadn't heard from her.

5/x

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cont. >>18287031

I remembered she'd mentioned her housemate a few times. I added him on facebook, explained I was an old friend, asked if he knew how she was doing. He said she'd cut him out at the same time. He'd heard from her father that she'd moved to another state to be with this new guy, and they were engaged, but that was it.

I thanked him and asked him to pass on my regards if he saw her again. He said he would, but that he didn't expect to hear from her again. I told him I might speak to him again in a year or two the next time she was on my mind.

A week later I still couldn't get her out of my head. I spoke to him again today, I asked him if he knew how I could get in touch with her. He only had the same email address I already had for her. She ignored my last two emails.

We spoke a while longer, I told him about the time I sent her the birthday gifts. "I remember you now. She spoke about you fondly".

I broke inside. An ocean of tears started flowing out of me and it hasn't stopped since. I've been bawwing like a wounded bitch trying to write this post. I simultaneously feel like I've puked every redpill I ever tried to swallow, and that /pol/ was never more right about women's inability to feel.

I told him "her heart is the most precious thing I ever touched - and I turned it to stone" and signed out.

6/x

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cont. >>18287053

I want to email her, I want to call, I want to know she's alright. I want to know she's still the kind, caring beautiful human being I loved so deeply. On one hand I feel like I'm white knighting, and I know deep down I can't 'save' her and she probably won't be interested. She won't reply and it'll hurt even more. But on the other I feel like I owe it to her, to her friends, to her family - to myself - to try to get the person she was back.

I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I can't face it, I'm worse now than I was two weeks ago I don't what to do. I don't quite know what the point of this post was. I want you to talk me into doing the stupid thing, but I know you probably won't. It was cathartic to put this down into words and if you read it all I thank you anon. If you did you've probably felt this intensity of pain yourself before and I hope you never do again. Any thoughts, opinions, or questions are welcome.

tl;dr baww thread. post your most crushing, I need to flush all these bad feels out asap.

x/x

>>18286984
Yea thanks, harsh but true. I figured as much already. As you can probably tell I'm a bit aut and I find it pretty hard to go out and meet people, but I am trying to get fit and trying not to be so pic related. The only thing my job has left to offer is social interaction, but I need to get beyond that because it's just not quite the same in a work setting.

>>18286969
Didn't read, this is not your blog, kill yourself.

>>18287090
Thanks for contributing. Would have appreciated a chlorox.png at least, but hey-ho

I guess im in a similar situation
But nothing as drastic
Ive known her for years, since we were kids, we dated when we were in freshman of highschool, broke up after a year and fell out because we were young and didnt know how to deal with it
We got in touch last year and started dating again, turns out she found a guy after we broke up and dated him for two years till they broke up
He wanted her afterwards, and i think he was trying to make her jealous by kissing girls in front if her. Ff to today, we broje up again, and for some reason shes with him again. I still love her, just as i always have, but i want her back so bad, i want to see her smile and have her lay on my chest again. What the fuck is wrong with me why cant i move on

So basically tl,dr
>is a neet
>meets girl online
>girl lives across the ocean
>try not to get too close because no relationship would be possible apparently
>get too close anyway
>try to ghost her to not put her hopes up
>gets her hopes up but then crushes them
>girl obviously feels sad and tries to move on
>girl does indeed move on successfully
>neet can't still stop thinking about her and holding up a job
>writes this in 7 fucking huges posta
Dude you're a fucking idiot on every possible level and no one else here is going to tell you anything different

>>18287614
Thanks anon. I just wish we could still be friends, that I knew that she was ok, that she was flourishing.

I know we can't be together in the way that we wanted and I've made my peace with that. But I just can't stand to be apart like this either. I never imagined it could be as bad as this.

>>18287634
Essentially you hit the nail on the head but also me with it. I know I went autismo maximo with the posting, I just badly needed to get that out, I've never really spoken to anyone about it. Even at the time I never spoke to my friends or family about it and I badly needed that catharsis.

I did manage to stop thinking about her for quite a long time, but then once work went to shit I couldn't ignore the void inside me it had been filling, where her companionship used to be - and knowing the choices she'd made just made it all the worse.

Once I'd collected my thoughts I did repost this a bit more succinctly in >>18287607

>>18287653
Yeah except she obviously did everything to forget you and you shouldn't have even handled it like you did in the first place
She felt rejected and she moved on. So should you. Stop bugging into her life you idiot

>>18287705
Yea thanks, I already felt like a piece of shit though.

It's not like she was a child in all this either. She knew the score. At least I fucking tried to put the brakes on it, I tried to protect her feelings. I didn't lead her on and when I saw what we were doing to each other I did the hard thing and I put a stop to it.

I did the truly loving thing and I set her free. But for this? I can't bring myself to believe that the decisions she's made are out of self love but rather are out of self loathing.

Please feel free to defend her choice to cut the people who care for her out of her life, because I'd honestly like to hear the rationale behind this.

Hi Anon. Read your story. First things first
>that /pol/ was never more right about women's inability to feel.
This is false.

It sounds like your depression is very severe. Are you seeing a therapist currently? If not I heavily advise it.

I know you're supposed to go to work tomorrow but if you cannot you cannot. I'm not sure about the laws in britbongistan but we have something in the states called the Family Medical Leave Act. I'm assuming that because your country is a little bit more liberal health care wise that they will have a similar law but I'm taking a stab in the dark. It essentially lets you take job protected time off of work to deal with health problems.

Just remember that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel the things you're feeling now, but you really need to book a therapy session and talk to a professional.

>>18287719
Thanks Anon.

>Are you seeing a therapist currently?
Yes, I've been going for two years. It's helped, I wouldn't have graduated or gotten the job without it. I've mentioned all this briefly once or twice but never in this much detail. My therapist has been somewhat dismissive of it when I have and frankly my internal self defenses are level ++9000 so I haven't called her on it because it's easier not to revisit and to digress into irrelevance instead.

I burned my 20's as a shut-in because of an equally disastrous non-relationship in my early teens. I've spoken about that more. That girl cut me out of her life too, but it hurts less because at least I know she's doing well and she has people to support her.

I did bring more of this up in therapy the first week that I missed work, but still only in vague cryptic details. I missed half my session this week because my sleep pattern is so fucked up I didn't wake up in time so we didn't talk about it. I'm thinking about emailing her my OP because I can see myself just ducking it again.

>I know you're supposed to go to work tomorrow but if you cannot you cannot
yea I did go to the doctor and get a note last week, that only covers me until yesterday though and it's been so shit working there lately that I just don't know if I can face ever going back - but I know I need to - not so much for the money but because if I don't I'll keep slipping deeper and deeper into depression; I've already gone back to being a shut-in for the last month.

>>18287750

Sorry for the late reply. Was heading to bed but I wanted to check on this thread because I was concerned.

Print out the OP. Bring it with you. Don't email it. I saw this for privacy sake.

Instead, email her with "I missed half of the appointment previously because I'm not sleeping well at all. My sleep has become very sporadic. I need to talk to you on our next appointment, or even move it to a sooner appointment. If we cannot reschedule, for our next appointment could you call me [1hr/1.5hr/a time] before hand to confirm our appointment? It is crucial that I speak with you and I want to be sure that I am awake." That will at least send the message that you're not doing good and leaves out the details in case her account ever gets hacked.

If you're worried about giving all of this to your current therapist, find a new one, dump it on them, get advice, and then ghost.

>it's easier not to revisit and to digress into irrelevance instead
The easiest path is not always what is what you need. You are paying them, not the other way around. You give them whatever shit you want to get sorted out. And frankly they've probably heard worse, so have no fear.

>yea I did go to the doctor and get a note last week, that only covers me until yesterday though and it's been so shit working there lately that I just don't know if I can face ever going back - but I know I need to - not so much for the money but because if I don't I'll keep slipping deeper and deeper into depression; I've already gone back to being a shut-in for the last month.

Your work could be causing some of this depression too. Have you talked about work with your therapist? What does she say?

think about the work in the beginning - you could find this again. Maybe a job change is in order. It sounds like the company has grown toxic.

>>18287838
Thanks Anon. I used to miss appointments all the time, so it's not the end of the world thankfully.

>If you're worried about giving all of this to your current therapist, find a new one, dump it on them, get advice, and then ghost.
Hm interesting. I'm kind of dis-inclined to do this because I have pretty deep seated trust issues, but I'll give it more thought because ironically I do find it easier to open up without rapport for some reason.

>frankly they've probably heard worse, so have no fear.
Hah yea I know, ironically that actually makes me clam up because I feel like my issues are fucking stupid and so I must be stupid to be having them. But this is just the result of years of competing in mental gymnastics at a galactic level.

>Your work could be causing some of this depression too.
>It sounds like the company has grown toxic.
Definitely. 3 people have been fired for disciplinary reasons in the last year, one was the guy who had joined just before me, we had a good bit of healthy competition going on which was motivation, the other was one of the most senior people and I looked up to him, I aspired to be like him. I have neither of these motivations now.

>Have you talked about work with your therapist? What does she say?
Yes at length, it's a great way to avoid the more serious problems desu. But it is still very much a problem. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, because there's nowhere for me to go internally for the foreseeable future, and the skills I've learned are mostly product specific. Furthermore I don't want to do more of the same (on the phone all day) because it's fucked with my hearing and it's only getting worse the longer I do it.

I need to find something completely different, but I don't know what. I look at jobs, but it depresses me, I always feel like I'm not good enough. I'd like to get into software development, I have a degree in computer science, but I didn't apply myself - story of my life.

>>18287838
Thank you for your empathy Anon. Somewhere a star burns in the night sky just for you; remember this when you gaze up at them.

>>18286969
Lovely little novel. Is there a question in there someplace?

Hey OP, I'm in a bit of a similar situation here, but not as extreme as yours. I'm nearly 20, ans I also met a girl online. We've been RPing a lot, and became really close. And after one fuck up we haven't been the same since. She sends one text reply every three days or so, and I've said that we should go our separate ways. She begged me to stay a few days ago but the same shit is happening. It's really a shame- we click so fucking much and we're only a country apart... I don't know what to do, and I don't really know how to help you. All I can do is wish you the best of luck

>>18288384
Thank you, I did pour my heart into that. If you're only able to provide advice to problems which are presented in a Q&A format, please see >>18287607 instead. Look for the question marks.

>>18288441
Thanks anon. Honestly if you don't have a very real prospect of meeting it probably is better to call it a day. If you can manage to stay friends, at least you'll have been better off at the end of the day than I am.

It's the loss of the friendship that really tears me up inside, not knowing how she is, if she's ok.

OP here. Bumping before I go to bed. I emailed her from a new account. I don't expect an answer, but I've resolved to call if she doesn't. Thanks anon >>18288578

If anyone is interested to know how this plays out I'd appreciate it if you could bump this when it gets close to the bottom of the catalog so I can follow up.