I just realized I have some major self hatred. I just didnt acknowledge

How old and do you live with family still?

I have this problem but I feel sure that when I go to uni away from home I will be able to start feeling more positive. Maybe you need to change your environment

also how to deal with thoughts of vengeance towards parent? Sometimes i think of killing her.

Do you still live with her?

Steadily growing hostility to your parents is a sign that you're supposed to be someplace thefuck else by this point in your life.

>all these /adv/ OPs dancing around the details like they don't matter

>>18285628
You can kinda reinvent yourself, kinda like fake it till you make it. I've seen a lot of people do this once they got into a new setting.
What helped me get over my hate for myself was choosing hobbies to fill the hole I had in my heart. Like I absolutely hated my body so I started with fitnes. I also hated that I was feeling feeble and defenseless because or my weak physique so I started taking martial arts classes. On the other hand I also loved this stuff so it was perfect for me and I stuck with it. After like 3-4 years of this stuff I noticed that I didn't wish to just be someone else anymore.
BUT I think part of the self hatred and insecurity will never go away. I

>>18285700
>>18285631
sorry mate, I just felt a bit ashamed. I do still live with her, I'm actually 23. I finished uni and came home because I couldn't make any plans of my own for myself to stay out there. I graduated from a pretty nice uni (UC Berkeley) so everyone around me was telling me I had it made and yet I didn't do shit, I went home and played vidya.

At the time I didn't really blame my mom or anything like that, it's just resurfacing now because I'm just seeing things as they are. Growing up I was so fondly attached to sitcoms and family movies because they usually had a son character who didn't always get along with the mom character, but in a sort of sarcastic way? I loved that because it helped me see my relationship with my moms as the same thing, funny, and lighthearted, and my griefs and pains were probably just as my mom said, my own weaknesses from not being a man. Right? Made sense.

Not. So now that I'm realizing how much of a piece of shit my mom is and how she, in all her adult glory, banked on my childhood stupidity to overlook the things she did when my dad wasn't home, taking out all her worldly frustrations on child me. She hoped I would forget as I grew up. She hoped that as I became an adult and just started working or whatever, I'd forget and become mired in my own life, childhood becoming a thing of the past.

2 years ago I told her I tried to kill myself just to spite her, I told her this out of nowhere. She paused, in shock, and sank into a chair. She closed her eyes, and I walked away.

A couple days ago, she came to my room and asked me why I wasn't doing anything with my life. I don't mind those kind of questions, because I honestly am wondering myself. But she said something that I couldn't excuse, and in response to that, I gave her my most soulless smile, with a little laugh, and told her incredulously 'Well you raised me, didn't you?' She had pointed out a flaw, and I told her where the flaw came from.

>>18285756
In response to this, she said 'I must have done some horrible things.' I said nothing.

Honestly, it's kind of silly now that I look back. We were all too scared to break the balance or lose a family, because we only have one family after all, but it was still super silly in retrospect. We have these fights that are actually more than fights and just brush it off the next day. Even when things are said are really terrible things and there is also the option of just not being part of this cycle.

My mom is asian. And there is that dragon mom stereotype. So things like that and TV helped me cope with my mom not being a normal mom. But the thing is, I have a little brother who is 15 years younger than me. And I take care of him a lot, and out of nowhere, my anger can flare up at him. I saw this and learned very quickly the nasty habits adults pick up with anger and children. Blurring the line with what constitutes abuse and what doesn't. What adults will do just to make themselves feel better so that they don't have to cope with the fact that their actions do define their person. Rage one day, cook a nice meal the next. I saw everything my mom did for what it was, and I saw her finally as a pesron, instead of a mom. And I saw a really shitty halfbaked person.

I have no words for her anymore. 2 days ago she was yelling at my sister, who is about 20. She was being a neurotic cunt about not having enough control in my sisters life because my sister, opposite from me, is quite the go-getter, and had went around making opportunities for herself to advance her career. My mom didn't like that, took it a bit personally, said things to belittle her. I was in the kitchen, listening to all this, and snapped while frying eggs and spam. I roared from my pan 'THATS ABOUT ENOUGH EH?' and stormed over to where my mom was. She told me to shut the fuck up or whatever but I sidled in and shoved her out of my sisters room.

>>18285788
And that was that. I stomped back to the stove and made my breakfast and ate it in the kitchen, and things were quiet. My hands were still shaking, and for some reason I was scared at what my mom would do, even though I am legitimately a foot taller than her and have that retard strength.

But she said nothing, she remained quiet. I had shut her up, and I had finally guessed that she was probably feeling a lot of shame.

I know from experience she would have done more. She would have given me hell for doing that, but actually about a year ago, we had a really bad fight, and almost fractured our family for good. My mom had done something legally or whatever behind my dads back, and my dad had the same issue as me now, a mounting resentment that had no outlet or means of subjugation.

So when it came to light that she had done this thing, my dad goes off into a rage, goes drinking, comes back at night, and slams my moms skull onto the ground by her hair like it was a sack of rotten oranges. Me seeing this, back then, I wanted everyone to get along. I desperately pleaded with my dad to calm down. My mom got to a safer place in the apartment, I went and put myself alone with my dad, hoping to calm him down. I have no idea what happened, but he said some things that I couldn't forgive, and I don't believe being drunk excuses you from anything. I got really emotional and told my dad that no, I didn't 'understand' what was going on, I wasn't 'on his side.' I was on the verge of tears. But instead of sobering up at the sight of his pained son, he steps up square in my face and tells me menacingly that he hopes I get a wife like my mom, because then I'll suffer the same.

>>18285808
My eyes go white. Only thing I remember is my body moving. I reared back and cocked my shoulder and crunched his nose in with my fist. I can't believe mere words could make me do that. But at the time some part of me thought 'To hell with this. This man wants to see the fruits of his labor? I'll fucking show him.' He falls to the ground, and I leaped ontop of him so I had a good view of his head. He was drunk and stunned, probably didn't know what happened. But I continued and started raining down on his skull. Honestly I wanted to kill him then and there. I thought I'd get a feeling of disgust from the initial hit but no, the more I hit him the more I felt like I had starrted something I should have done a long time ago. The death of my parents. I get up to assess the situation but instead of doing anything rational, I just go over and pick up the clock off the wall, which was heavy as fuck and as big as a large pizza. I intended to smash his windpipe with the edge, driving it down like a pizza cutter on his throat, when my mom came in and slapped me. I dropped it and came back to fear, my old reality, and braced impact for what was about to happen.

Well, that was that, and it happened quite a bit ago, but my mom blamed herself for some reason, and now I see why. There is a part of her that sees another part of her being passive aggressive, hurting others, and wishing that side of her wouldn't do that, but still, she does. She is hoping for the day of reckoning to come and she knows she doesn't deserve a peaceful elderly life. She is pretty open about not wanting to live with anyone else when she is old, and I think I know why, because inside she knows she doesn't deserve being taken care of as the lovely old grandmother figure.

And by God, she is right. I rue the day she is on her deathbed, because I'll go to her, ask others around me for time alone, and hock a big loogey square in her old withered face, and let her meet the grim reaper like that.

>>18285828
So all that is fine and dandy, but I have more pressing matters. To hell with my mom, she will get her just desserts in her own life, and I'll share it by not letting her meet her grandchildren. That's all. More importantly is the matter of my career. i have this kind of 'mom voice' that speaks up whenever I try to do anything productive. And it's really fucking bumming me out. I see others who are totally in love with their jobs/crafts and I feel like dying inside, because I want to be just like that. I want that so bad just as bad as a beta wants to hold hands with a girl.

But I have no idea. I've been groping around in the dark for a while. Maybe I just need to go out and meet more people who are in love with their craft, and just stick around them more.

>>18285828
Oh and I realized I didn't wrap up the fight story very well. My dad gets up off the ground even angrier, and punches holes in the walls yelling 'YOUR SON HIT ME LIKE THIS! LIKE THIS, GOD DAMN YOU!' *wham wham wham* And yells at me if I want to kill him I had better finish the god damn job. He grabs my hair the same as my mom but my sister tackles him. She's not just tall, but has the same retard strength body as me, so she brings him down easy. He gets up, aware that there is nothing to be done here, leaves in his truck still very drunk, and I'm wrapped up in a blanket in the corner, hyperventilating.

For about two weeks I try to pretend everything is normal but weigh my options for leaving. I don't know why, but I still recovered and insisted that everyone has to remain together. Because we were family. And I remember telling my mom that despite everything, she was a good person. And she held back tears from hearing that. And I told my sister not to resent our father, she says why, he deserves everything, and I told her that yes, he does, but he will get everything in his own life. 'You don't need to be the judge and become tied up in this' or something like that.

That was it. After a while my mom stops being scared. And they never talked before but suddenty they're communicating. They're aware now of how old they are and priorities they have. And believe me, I built up my mom as quite the fuckhead, but she's a lot better than she used to be. She's totally ran out of steam and is ready to become senile. And I'm left here, in a sort of dick-in-the-hand situation because I have this anger that is no longer relevant, two aging parents that are no longer the demons they used to be, and everything leading up to a cycle waiting to be restarted, with me being a giant fucking bitch to my own son. I do not want that. and I can start, I believe, by making a new relationship with my career.

I don't know if you're still here OP, but I read all of your posts and I sympathize with your pain as I've gone through similar family circumstances.

All I can tell you is that the anger won't simply disappear. The easy way to vent out this anger is to get back at your parents by showing that you've becoming a worthless piece of shit that your parents influenced you to be, also proving them to be a shitty people.
If you don't want that, then you have to channel your anger into proving them wrong, that you are more than just the negative influence they've put onto you.
If every single person whose had an abusive or shitty family went out in the world to become shitty parents, then the world would be filled with shitty family, but that's not the case. People can change to be more than what they are destined to become.
This will take a lot of action and perseverance, I wish you luck anon

Sounds like you have serious anger issues

I can tell you that i totally understand the asian family issue here. The real problem is that it's incredibly difficult trying to live an american life while your parents are still trying to be asian fundamentalists - beatings are mandatory. And suddenly as you grow up, you found youself getting angrier the past and current abuses by your parents "because it's for your own good."
I can tell ya man, the only thing to do is try and get a job and an apartment far from your home. Did you live alone in Berkeley? Did you like it?
Also, shit nigga you went to berkeley
that's already a shoo-in to plenty of the jobs in the tech sector in california

thanks guys. i didnt expect to find replies.

yeah i know i probably have to go out.