Offering Advice Male, 49, the South Married 25 years, 5 great

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>>18266658

To marry or not marry?
I know what the answer is but would like to hear your reasoning.

>>18266675
1) Let's start with the brute numbers. Married people
-Live longer
-Are healthier
-Have less stress
-Make more money
-Have more frequent sex
-Have higher quality of sex
-Have a wider circle of friends
etc. These benefits start effectively as soon as you marry and end when you divorce. Even living together doesn't give as much benefit.

2) Then dispelling myths:
-Most first marriages do not end in divorce. Yes, at one point almost 50% of all marriages ended in divorce but the rate of first marriage ending in divorce has been falling for over 40 years
-Divorce laws have changed a great deal and in most places are not nearly as stacked against the ex-husband
so the risk of divorce and the negative effects of divorce have been falling for a long time. It is not nearly as fraught with peril as you have been told.

3) And the best reason
-You get to live with someone you care about so much you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

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>>18266700

I hope the list of benefits are true for you, I know they're not true for many marriages.

If you were to chose an education today, with regards to the technological changes in our society
that we can see coming (like AI and robots taking most jobs), what field would it be in?
I'm ex military, 26 and have never gone to school after high school. It might be time for me to pick education soon.

>>18266658
I dated a girl for a couple months. Everything going great. Her friend comes into the picture and wants this girl to hang out with her more, typical misery loves company deal. I was cool with it in the beginning, but then this friend brings new guy workers into the picture. I see the writing on the wall as her priorities of spending time with me shifted and make myself scarce

Sporadic contact over the next few months. Then she comes back and wants to start over. I agreed because I really liked her and of course the sex.

Since then, she's been trying to make it up to me, but I just have this feeling in the back of my head that if she was so easily swayed then, what to say it won't happen again?

I feel like she's settling for me and I'm the safe bet. I try to not let it hit my confidence, but it does bother me at times. Compared to starting with someone who wants to be with you from the beginning

Is this feeling valid? Or will it not matter in 5 years (being with her)

>>18266728
Trade school. While expert program are impacting some jobs (like lawyers) skilled trades are very short-staffed now and will be more so for years.
And be careful about the 'robots take all jobs' stuff! Here is my favorite example"
-TV, magazines, etc. all assume there will be NO professional truck drivers as self-driving cars take over
-The logisitics industries are panicking because they only have about 89% of the CDL drivers they need now and they anticipate an *increase* in demand for at least 15 years and the 'robot scare' is keeping people out of the field!
>Autonomous vehicles are a loooooong way from being able to handle a semi; driving is almost the least important thing CDL holders actually do; the laws that require drivers aren't going anywhere; etc.
I'll tell you what I tell my sons: get a trade and get some IT certifications

>>18266752
>Is this feeling valid
If you are feeling it, it is 'valid'.
As a guy that doesn't know either of you?
It bothers you enough you're asking a freak on 4chan for advice. That strikes me as a pretty serious doubt.
Find a time and place where both of you are comfortable and in a non-confrontational way tell her what you told me.
For all you know she spent the time thinking of you as the one who got away, etc. She could feel terrible she missed out on the time apart from you.
I don't know.
Neither do you.
You can't read her mind; she can't read yours.
So talk to her about this.

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>>18266755
Thanks man. I currently work in IT due to me being pretty self taught in most programming languages etc., but with the net neutrality and privacy rights getting tossed right out I don't really want much more to do with the internet, it's glory days are long gone and not coming back. Trade school might be the way to go. Also considering studying to become an expert on emotional intelligence as that is something the AI will have the most trouble mastering. Maybe studying psychology to add to my "leadership abilities".

>>18266776
With peering connections, content delivery servers, etc. Net Neutrality stopped making any sense almost a decade ago. Want you stuff to be delivered faster? Get a deal with CloudFlare or Akamai or the dozens of other CDNs. Net Neutrality means nothing.

>>18266788
its just the principle of it, not the practicalities. Same goes for censorship, google deciding with political influence which sites will be shown and the list goes on. All of this bullshit makes me so very sad because I loved the internet and truly saw the beauty of what it was capable of. Sure it has other capabilities now but it's not the same free haven it used to be.

>>18266658
Welcome again, how are you?

Here it is :

>Be with someone
>After 1-2 months my guts tell me ils not right
>Continue, now more than 6 months
>Regularly unhappy, or more "meh"
>Don't know if too picky ?

I don't know if she isn't the right one, or if it will Always be like this, you don't like everything about your partner but in the end it works out.

I know relationships are about compromising. I just don't know if we are compatible or not..

>>18266825
Is your gut saying 'not right' or is it saying 'the initial crazy rush is settling down'?

>>18266825
My gut feeling kept telling me something was off, something wasn't right. My heart was already falling for her and my brain was going the same path but still looking for red flags.

Gut was right. Trust your gut

>>18266870
Saying "not right". But I can't tell if it's because it's new and it takes time to adapt or because there's something wrong.
But I want it to work, si that feeling is really problematic

>>18266876
Yeah that's what I'm thinking but now I grew fond of her so..

>>18266882
'Not right' is bad. Either deep dive to see if something is wrong or move on now

>>18266889
I'm too far in emotionally, that's not easy to move on. I'll immediatly regret and wonder if I made a fucking big mistake.

>>18266658
I really like this girl, she's in a relationship, but i won't find someone like her in years, it took me 15 months to have this same interest.
So i told her this, everything, she knows i like her, that i would like to have her as gf.
Now we ended up as friends, i don't have a problem, we were friends.
I want to keep her friendship, and to hope maybe that if i don't find anyone like her again and she breaks up we can do something, we can become something more than friends.

How do i keep being friends with her? Is it just wrong or dumb?
Keep in mind that i won't refuse a relationship with someone else IF she's just as good

>>18266658
I'm a 20 year old guy from europe.
Have a brother that is 2years younger than me, we were raised by our mom after our parents split.
My father is a freeloader / sailor.
Both of my parents have struggled with mental health issues, and went through some pretty narly stuff in their respective lives.
I haven't had contact with my father for years, and not sure if i'd want to. He's with a new family.
I will soon be working 2 part time jobs, one in a clothing depot and a telemarketing job.
I feel like killing myself everyday despite people telling me I'm fine.
I feel like I'm a failure for my mom, little brother and rest of the family.
Is this because of my daddy issues? Or am I just an egotistical cunt?

>>18266937
Then your mind is made up; focus on making it work!

>>18266939
So you are putting yourself on hold for an unattainable woman?
Stay friends, sure, but ask her to help you find someone and/or keep looking. There are a ton of women out there.

>>18266943
>Is this because of my daddy issues? Or am I just an egotistical cunt?
Yes.
And no.
Sure, you have daddy issues and you're self-centered, but mainly you're 20. You can't be a failure yet, you're just starting.
Relax. Make plans for the future, focus on making money and connections, and get a better routine: make sure you are sleeping well and eating well, get some times every week with people who love you, and be kind to yourself. If this keeps up, see a therapist.

>>18266962
"Keep in mind that i won't refuse a relationship with someone else IF she's just as good"

Look, since the last girl i dated i had no interest in someone for 15 months until i met this one girl, so i may take a lot of time too to get the same spark again.

I'm just saying, is it a good idea, to stay as friends with her(we are actually good friends) and if i don't find anyone that i like before she (possibly) breaks up with her boyfriend she may be interested. Yes, i won't keep that hope or desire for long. I'm just asking if it's agood idea, to keep her as a "back up" plan?

>>18266962
Thanks for the honest reply.
I have a question though.
>Make plans for the future
I'm studying Electrical Engineering and saving money. It's going alright, but I feel like I am just doing it all for show because I'll never find something I enjoy in life. How do I actually find something fulfilling to do? I tried tons of sports and clubs, but just can't seem to connect with peers ever.
It's not even about validation or friends, I don't value that stuff too much, unlike my social butterfly brother.

>>18266977
Being friends is always a good idea as long as the other person acts like a friend so - yes

>>18266978
>How do I actually find something fulfilling to do?
Try more solitary pursuits, maybe?
>BTW, work is for making money, not friends or happiness. If you enjoy your work, hooray! But that isn't what it is for
Try cooking, crochet, etc. Things that engage the mind and hands enough to relax you.

>>18266658
going for lunch, back soon

>>18267012
you back grandpa?
So how do i deal with her, i still like her, i plan to not talk with her for a week or so, let things cooldown, but i just don't want to feel shitty later because i don't have her

>>18267069
Hard to say.
Let me give you a better overall view of my opinions on men+women
1) If you want to have a relationship with or fuck a particular woman, being 'just friends' with her is stupid. Why?
You *don't want* to be 'just friends'. You want to fuck her/have a relationship with her.
Pretending otherwise is dishonest.
2) Guys who are 'just friends' with a girl they actually want more from tend to get used. Because they want to be a BF they *act like* a BF and get nothing in return. And why not? The girl is getting emotional support and more for nothing!
3) Women often don't appreciate what is right in front of them. So if they don't appreciate you, don't be right in front of them.
4) You don't have a freakin' One True Love or a unique, one-of-a-kind Soulmate Forevahhhhhhh!
Is my wife my one true love and soulmate?
Sure - because we worked hard and became that for each other. After we were together.
If a girl you think is The One doesn't see you as more than a friend, that means she isn't The One. Move on.
Make more sense?

>>18266658

How stable has your marriage remained over the course of 25 years and how is it that you have maintained it?

>>18267181
Very stable.
Oh, fights here and there. A tense few months around 10 years and 17 years as things changed in our lives and we had to adjust.
>how is it that you have maintained it?
I like being married to her and want to stay married to her.
She likes being married to me and wants to stay married to me.
During those brief periods me might temporarily not like being married, ew still want to stay married and the not liking part goes away, fast.

I'm in a serious, long term relationship with someone from another country. We're getting into our mid-late 20s and want to reach a point where we can be together on a permanent basis. Financially, this is possible and we're going to start working to take the steps needed towards it (marriage, visas, saving up enough money to qualify for them).

But we're both very traditional. We want a genuine proposal that's done when the time is right, an engagement period where we're not planning anything, to eventually start to plan (and ultimately have) a traditional wedding - which would also likely be the first and only time our families met in person - and honeymoon. We can't afford anything for even a small wedding and honeymoon and have enough left over to meet the financial requirements for a spousal visa in any sort of reasonable time frame. Unless we're willing to wait a very long time to be able to see each other more than twice a year, then rush into having children shortly after we finally get to that point we won't be able to save enough for both.

What we're thinking of doing is getting married legally to be able to be together and then having a ceremony some time on when the time feels right and we're financially capable of it. But the idea of doing that doesn't mesh great with either of our values. We take marriage really seriously, we love one another's families dearly and want to have something for them to meet our families, and if we're married neither of us wants to half ass it or have it feel like we're 'not really married yet'. We can't have it both ways and we've decided that it's more important to be together, but we're not sure how we should go about this in a way that minimizes any problems cropping up.

I know this is a unique situation, but hopefully you could give some insight as to how to deal with it.

>>18267306
As a very traditional guy - the marriage itself is far more important than any wedding or honeymoon. My wedding, in the Church, cost $400. We paid for the hall, we gave a gift to the priest, and we had her mother's dress altered. My father paid for a few bottles of cheap champagne, her father and mother organized family to provide food, and we had 20 people there.
We're just as married as if we spent $40k on a wedding.

We saved and on our first anniversary I took her somewhere nice for a vacation/honeymoon. Total anniversary/honeymoon trip?
$1,200.
Personally, I think just immediately family and a tiny number of friends is best.

>>18267361
That's our opinion too. We want a small wedding, nothing too elaborate. Just something traditional and memorable with only the closest people invited and - above all - when the time is right. Our families are spread between America and the UK though so no matter how we go about this prices would be very high.

I think more than money though the biggest issue for us is timing, we'd like to take things a little slower in terms of marriage, but we already feel like we've waited longer than we want to in terms of being able to see one another regularly and don't want to be rushed for time down the line in regards to children.

>>18266658
So, what's the stupidest most regretable decision you ever made? You just so we can steer clear of said topic.

>>18267383
The early Church fathers argued that courtship + engagement of more than 24 months was a bad idea for a ton of reasons too long to go into here.
My only two regrets are
1) not proposing and marrying sooner
2) not starting to have kids sooner
But - you have to decide for you

>>18267392
Running up credit card debt when we were first married

>>18266658
In brief, any major mistakes and the lessons you learned from them?

>>18267418
>But - you have to decide for you
I agree, do you have any suggestions for how to deal with the relationship challenges making these decisions will bring though? Regardless of what we do we're going to both have some serious misgivings about it. I don't want to let those impact our relationship though.

Thank you, by the way.

>>18267437
1) No one can read minds. Don't assume the other person knows how you feel (good or bad) tell them. Don't assume how THEY feel, ask!
2) Avoid debt
3) Jobs come and go, friends might move on, even your own kids grow up and move out, but marriage is for life so act like it
4) Have fun no matter what you are doing

>>18267442
Make them together and then don't play 'should have/would have/could have'. Be happy that your goal is marriage and that you reached a mutual decision, and support each other until you reach your goals.

>>18266658
I have to go to a meeting then home
Thanks, everyone

>>18267095
but i won't act as a BF, i never did in fact.
yeah i won't put myself as too available
>If a girl you think is The One doesn't see you as more than a friend, that means she isn't The One. Move on.
fuck, well... yes, i mean... fuck you just destroyed my hopes ):

>>18266755
>>Autonomous vehicles are a loooooong way from being able to handle a semi

This is factually false, they drove 3 semis across Europe last year with out incident

>>18267468
Thanks OP