>just focus on yourself bruh, you're just going to find

Have you actually made any changes in your life since you heard that piece of advice or have you just been waiting around for something to happen?

>>18224919
It doesn't work if you don't go anywhere besides work and home. The more places you visit regularly the higher chance you have to meet someone. Goto meetup. Com and find a couple activities you like doing.

>>18224932
This.

Believe it or not, getting a girlfriend is quite easy. You just have to build up the confidence to ask a few out.

The problem is (well mine anyway) when you start to improve yourself, you are more selective about who you get in a relationship with.

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>>18224964
>getting a girlfriend is quite easy

>>18224919
I'm 28 trying to date a 31 year old girl right now.

Just remember, it could be worse, stop worrying about it :^)

>>18224974
It actually is. Those who think it's hard have never asked a girl out or done it once and got rejected.

>>18224999
I've had a girlfriend and it is rough to get that far with women, its really hard to even get past the inital freeze

>>18224974
I stand by what I said. Getting a girlfriend is easy - just have no rules or standards.

HOWEVER.
Getting a GOOD girlfriend is hard. Only problem is.people think they deserve good girlfriends when they aren't really worth much themselves. As you get higher value, the easier it will be to get higher value girlfriends.

>>18224932
>Meetup.com is only old people in my city
>Uni clubs are pre-established cliques from the golden triangle schools
>Classmates don't care about socialising and I'm busy with the work too
>Work by myself
>Only time I meet people is at uni training workshops once every couple months
>No prospects ever present
>Live in small city notorious for having nothing to do and with a population that keeps mainly to themselves

>>18225017
>Meetup.com is only old people in my city
Go to a different city and meetup people there.
>Uni clubs are pre-established cliques from the golden triangle schools
I don't believe that 100% of people in any group of people are unwilling to even talk or accept new people.
>Classmates don't care about socialising and I'm busy with the work too
Classmates care, but don't want to be the organiser for social events. Being the organiser is tough, but you gotta start somewhere

>Work by myself
And I guess you don't meet any people when you get out of the house.
>Only time I meet people is at uni training workshops once every couple months
Then do other things if this is true (which I don't believe it is)
>No prospects ever present
Right.......
>Live in small city notorious for having nothing to do and with a population that keeps mainly to themselves
Guess talking to the people in the city is out of the question. Because if you did get to know them, you might actually have fun with them - but I guess that's just such a big effort *cough* bullshit*coughs*

>>18224931
I'd dropped out of university, I've since reentered, got my BA and now I'm working on my MA.
I've been trying to improve my erudition on my own, too. Reading books, watching "important" films etc. I'm not very fast at doing that, but I've been slowly progressing.
I've also fixed some of my minor health problems.

Maybe that's not enough. But the problem is that people who tell me "just keep working on yourself" never say which is the minimum level at which one "deserves" a relationship.

>>18224932
I have been going to meetups (cons, fairs etc.) both by myself and with friends. Almost never managed to make new acquaintances...
...except once, at a political convention of all places; I talked to a girl at a canteen table and we just somehow spent the day walking around the con together. I don't know how that happened.
I added her on fb and she suggested we meet up again - but then she postponed, and now she doesn't even "seen" my messages, even though she's sometimes online. I don't know what happened.

>>18224964
>You just have to build up the confidence to ask a few out.
I have. Been rejected most of the time.
The advice "it gets easier with every rejection" doesn't apply to me, it just makes the sample size of the hypothesis "Anon is undateable" (n = x) increase to (n = x+1), so I still experience stress and anguish every time I do it.

The furthest I've gotten so far is going out with one girl I met on OKC. We mostly just walked around the city and the park for like 4 hours. I had a great time but in the morning she texted me "we don't have a lot of common interests, maybe you'll find a girl who can uphold more of a two-way conversation with you :)" which now officially makes me >to intelligent to get a gf

>>18224980
>I'm 28 trying to date a 31 year old girl right now.
That sounds very normal to me.

>>18225033
The nearest city is 2100km away. I wouldn't be bitching if I hadn't spent the time and effort trying this shit. Rebutting with your own experiences when you have no idea of my own is the equivalent of "just b urself xD". How about giving some constructive ideas that I haven't listed, or would you rather tell me that you make your friends by spending the day stopping strangers in the street?

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>>18224919

>Work on your social skills
>talk to people and see their reactions to your stories
>record yourself telling something for 10 minutes and ask yourself "are you boring yourself? Are you being entertained? Are you interested in your own story? Are you confident while telling it?"
>talk to a lot of people, boys and girls and bring the "relationship" topic, every head approaches the same or the opposite gender differently, learn their strats
>don't feel discouraged for failing with some particular girl, that happens to everybody
>approach conversations casually, don't think too much of it, it's just talking
>most importantly, be honest about opinions and hobbies. Don't try to be what you think the other person is looking for

No wonder why nobody wants you, if you made that girl spend 4 hours of her day and didn't make a move you deserve to die alone

I lucked into a relationship, it gave me an excuse not to focus on my issues, but then of course those same issues led to it ending. So now I'm working on my issues in the hopes of having something like that again.

>>18225081
Dude, there's not a lot we can say when every piece of practical advice gets met with "My city sucks, that won't work."

Meetup.com is literally only old people? Whatever, keep trying. And try another dating site. There's so fucking many of them. Just keep trying until it works. You haven't exhausted that avenue, I can promise you.

All the clubs are cliquey? Try STARTING a club. Even an informal one. Put up some posters.

Go to a bar or coffee shop and, if you're too shy/nervous to approach people, literally put up a card saying "Bored & want to meet people, come and talk to me." You don't want to? Sounds cringey and awkward? Tough shit. You're asking for advice on 4chan. Don't tell me you're too proud to do that.

Ultimately the only answer we can provide is, "Do something that will get you out of the house and talking to people." Some of them will be girls, and statistically, you'll probably have a shot with a few of them.

>>18225117
>Go to a bar or coffee shop and, if you're too shy/nervous to approach people, literally put up a card saying "Bored & want to meet people, come and talk to me."

Is this a culture gap or something? Because the only thing this would get you in my country is suspicious looks.

>>18225124
And your country is ...?

You'd be surprised, dude, wherever you live. Well -- okay, maybe not wherever -- f you live in e.g. Russia or Eastern Europe, don't do that, but if you live in any part of the Anglo world I call bullshit.

Though of course you'll get suspicious looks if you broadcast a creepy, "I am going to hit on you" vibe when you do that.

I'm not saying it's common at all or that MOST people would be comfortable doing that, by the way. Partly I'm just making a point, there are things you could do today, right now, to meet people, even if literally the first 100 people who see you aren't into it, eventually you will meet somebody. If you choose not to do it, fine, but that doesn't mean that dating is impossible, just that you're prioritizing it under your own shyness/reticence.

>>18225132
I'm not the OP and I live in New Zealand, I'm not saying dating is impossible just that that sounds like a really weird and likely ineffective way to go about it. I think that might work if you're an elderly person looking for conversation or something but a young guy will come off creepy. Doesn't matter if you don't act horny, a young guy is assumed to be horny until proven otherwise. The dating sites stuff is good advice, but this cafe plan is just ridiculous.

>>18225043
>people who tell me "just keep working on yourself" never say which is the minimum level at which one "deserves" a relationship.

So that's part of the problem you're facing. You're interpreting the advice the wrong way.

The advice isn't really "get better" so that you "deserve" someone. It's about doing things so that you become a more complete and whole person who doesn't make meeting someone the sole focus in their life, so that you can be in a place to act naturally and not overinviest/freak the fuck out when you actually DO stumble in to someone who you like.

It's a mentality thing. If you're constantly desperate it shows and it simultaneous turns people off because of that desperation, because shit gets awkward when someone is trying too hard and never loosens up enough to let natural chemistry take place, and because it kind of feels like that person isn't actually evaluating you or seeing you as a person, rather they're treating you like some romanticized dream object and never seeing the real you.

Focusing on yourself is about becoming comfortable with who you are, so that you can be relaxed around yourself, and others, not about "being good enough".

If you're always nervous or asha,ed of yourself or whatever, itbeco,es next to impossible for another person to actually ever feel comfortable around you, or to ever actually get to know the real you.

>>18225117
>Bored & want to meet people, come and talk to me."

Lol that actually sounds baller as fuck.

>>18225137
>>18225124
Girl from New Zealand, can confirm it would be fucking weird here. Not necessarily creepy, just socially inappropriate

The people who give retarded advice like "just go into a bar/cafe and start talking to random strangers!" ... Have any of you interacted socially in the past?

OP, the reason why people tell you to "work on yourself" is so that you will develop skills, interests and hobbies. That way if you meet someone you will have something to say for yourself other than "I'm a nice guy and I watch anime in my room."

Your girlfriend is not going to fall out of the sky. The way you're going to meet a girl who is compatible with you is first by meeting people who are compatible with you AKA making friends.

How do you make a friend? I don't know, sometimes it's hard. Your best bet is to let your interests guide you toward a place that people like you frequent, or, less complicated, get a job or go to class somewhere with other people, and expose yourself to socialization.

>>18225146
Coming from a guy who visits cafes often, I'd say that about 50% of the people are pretty much bored and they pretend to be busy by playing with phones or laptops. At least the guy with the sign would be being honest about it.

Talk to people while you wait in cafe line - if found most people (girls and guys)don't mind a bit of a chat here.

>>18225150
>Girl from New Zealand, can confirm it would be fucking weird here. Not necessarily creepy, just socially inappropriate

Not any of those anons, not a chick either (I'm actually the guy who said it sounds baller) but that's part of the point. It's kind of about being in a place with yourself and your own self confidence where you can say , "Yeah, this might be weird. But really, I don't give tooo much of a fuck what other people think of me anyway and am just doing this because it sounds amusing". And a lot of people will look at you weird, but you don't care, because you're doing it on a whim and hey, maybe you get a funny situation out of it either way.

This legit sounds like something that might be kind of funny to do one day (but granted, I'm close to hitting my 30s and have kind of long since shed my shy and tend to approach random people for conversations on a whim anyway)

>>18225150
Yeah in New Zealand it's far more appropriate to hit up people on 4chan for sex, so how about it? You keen?

>>18225162
Tempting, but I have a boyfriend.

>>18225159
You don't live in New Zealand, everyone knows everyone here. People you wouldn't think would know each other know each other.

>>18225151
>The people who give retarded advice like "just go into a bar/cafe and start talking to random strangers!" ... Have any of you interacted socially in the past?

Yup.

As this anon >>18225146
>>18225159

I grew up socially phobic as hell. I was literally terrified of socially interacting with people up until I hit about 17/18 and got completely sick of being that way and decided to change. I any stepped my way up in social interactions until one point when I was about 22 and I started just forcing myself to go to restaurants after work, sitting and the bar to grab dinner, and just start conversations with whoever was around me. I did it specifically because it took my out of my comfort zone and so I can learn to converse with anyone, young old, male female, attractive, not, whatever.

>>18225167
Do I know you? From Dunedin?

>>18225159
>I don't give tooo much of a fuck what other people think of me

I wish. It's the worst with strangers because the embarrassing encounter will replay in my head every night for the rest of my life.

>>18225137
>>18225150
I can't say I've been to NZ, but I travel a lot and usually don't know anybody in the countries I'm traveling to. It's slightly different, yeah, but I absolutely have sat myself down in coffee shops with a chess board or go board or even just a stack of cards and a book and scribbled on a piece of paper something along the lines of "just sit down if you want to play." Or just sat around with a book and waited for people who seemed like they wouldn't mind somebody jumping into their conversation - you can kinda tell. Though there are some cafes/bars where that'd be way more appropriate than others, you have to shop around.

That sort of thing isn't *usual* where I'm from, and I never in a million years would have done it before I'd spent a while traveling, but after the nth iteration of bumming around in a foreign city where you know literally nobody you start to realize that people aren't that scary or hostile in general and it's not that hard to meet people.

All I can say is it's worked for me, and I've never once gotten a bad reaction from it. I mean, maybe 99% of the people who see me think "ugh, what a creep," but that really doesn't matter, all you need is for 1 of them to sit down. It helps when you genuinely aren't looking to hook up, even in the back of your mind, though - people are pretty perceptive usually and they can tell.

And now I've written way too much about something that the OP's never in a million years going to do. I'm not seriously recommending it to him - after all, if he feels creepy and uncomfortable doing it, he's going to come across that way. Really I'm just making a point, that it's ALWAYS possible to meet people, it's just a question of how far you're willing to go and how much you're willing to make an ass of yourself to do it. So no excuses.

>>18225171
Everyone says they woke up one day and reached some breaking point where they said fuck it and started talking to random people. I'm a 24-year-old virgin who can't maintain eye contact or keep a conversation going for more than a few sentences, how long until it happens for me?

>>18225172
Probably

>>18225159
This guy pretty much summed up exactly what I'm trying to say, much more succinctly than I did.

>>18225177
What you're doing isn't the same as just hitting on women though

>>18225181
Yeah guess we do all know each other.

>>18225171
I currently have social anxiety and am working to get over it.

People still reject you when your socially confident, but the difference is you don't care as much. You realise that most times if people reject with you, it's not your problem, but theirs. Also, if you are worried about rejection, realise that you are probably going to.meet these people only once in your life and.never see them again, so what you say doesn't really matter. Also, when you get more social, you tend to know who doesn't want to be talked to/negative people and avoid them.

You sometimes think social people are arrogant and don't care about people, and I did too, but that's not true. I actually find introverts to be very hostile and negative - the Internet paints them as saints and extrovert s evil people, but if you are 100% honest, introversion is very overated.

>>18225184
I'm not telling him to go and hit on women, though. There are contexts where that's appropriate. I'm not saying this is one of them. It isn't. Of course if you're sitting there in a coffee shop with the mentality "I hope some qt will come up and talk to me," you're going to come off as a weirdo.

When you befriend people, your social life improves and dating becomes a much more realistic possibility than when you spend all day, oh, I don't know, lurking on 4chan. But you can't jump into it with ulterior motives.

Obviously that goes for starting a club/meeting people in a cafe or bar, not meeting people on dating sites. Though EVEN THERE, I'd submit that it's much better to have the mindset of "I hope I meet somebody I like and we have a good time together" than "I hope I meet somebody who'll be my girlfriend and let me put my penis in her vagina." It's a healthier attitude and therefore one that'll make you happier; the fact that it's a much more attractive attitude is just a bonus.

>>18225173
> i wish. It's the worst with strangers because the embarrassing encounter will replay in my head every night for the rest of my life.

And that's part of the point. That's why you better yourself. So you can become comfortable enough with yourself so you ARENT self concours because to you, you know that ultimately it's only your own opinion of yourself that matters and you like the type of person that you are and what you stand for--and no one else's opinion of you can change that.

Like I mentioned in another post, i DEFINITELY did not start that way (far from it) and it was something I learned through my own life experiences.

>>18225180
>Everyone says they woke up one day and reached some breaking point where they said fuck it and started talking to random people.

No dude, that's not what I said.

I said I got sick of it and I WORKED my way up.

I literally started out forcing myself to stand straighter,
Then to start looking people in the eyes,
Then to raise my voice beyond a whisper,
The. to dress better,
Then to speak up in class to ask question
Then to talk to teachers/bosses/waiters
Then to talk to neighbors/classmates/coworkers
The to talk strangers,
Then to go to parties
Etc. etc.etc.

I pushed myself bit by bit to keep escalating, to keep pushing my comfort zone just a little bit more. There were shit loads of days where the LAST thing I wanted to do was go to a noisy, loud, packed social area with next to no one I knew but I FORCED Myself to do it, against every instinct I had, specifically because I knew i didn't want to do it and I knew I wanted to change.

It was hard work.

It didn't fall in my lap.

I owned it. I made it mine.

That and defeating depression are two of the things I'm most proud of myself for, because it was done under my own force of will.

>>18225198
Hw did you get invited to parties? I spent all of college hanging around with gys and trying to make them laugh but the only one I got invited to the pre-grduation one where I was almost paralyzed with anxiety and called my mom to pick me up after half an hour because I couldn't think of anything to say to people.

>>18225206
>I was almost paralyzed with anxiety and called my mom to pick me up after half an hour because I couldn't think of anything to say to people.

Sounds like you overreached for your personal development at the time. By that point in my life I was already 20-22 and 3-5 years in to trying to change myself and be more social. I already worked my way up into being able to hold a basic small talk conversation with strangers, or at the very least being able to walk up to someone, look them in the eyes, give a smile and a handshake shake And say, "Hi, I'm <anon>".

I remember most of my earlier parties I'd do that for a little bit and then kind of just chill on a couch or something with a beer and just kinda watch people, or else sometimes I'd just peace out for a little while and go for a walk to get some air and be alone and enjoy the quiet for a little bit, then return and try and just chip in to random conversations here and there. (Yes some of those earlier years were awkward as fuck)

By this point I was also able to hold more intimate one on one conversations with people and get to know them and have them get to know me, and I was a decent enough guy that most people came to generally like me if they talked to me for a few minutes and just assumed I was a quiet person.

Really, at that point for me, parties weren't too much about teaching myself how to have a conversation, they were about getting used to the environment and about becoming more flexible with the types of people I was able to talk to, and to expand my ability to small talk.

It wasn't until I was about 24/25 (so almost 8 years after I started forcing myself to change) that I ever fully started to be comfortable at parties

>Hw did you get invited to parties?

By that point I had people I was friendly with (classmates, people I'd meet hanging out at dorms/cafeterias/whatever) but also, I could just walk down the street and just enter a random party (though I wasn't a fan of doing this)

>>18225242
I didn't go to the party to develop my social skills or anything, I just hoped I'd somehow have fun. I'm only comfortable around people I've known for ages, and only if they're dudes.

Still, I wish my friends would have at least invited me sometimes.

>>18225252
>I'm only comfortable around people I've known for ages

And that's exactly why I went out of my way to meet random people. So that I could almost desensitize myself to being around them and slowly become comfortable.

Look. I'm going to spell out what I've kept hinting at.

This was NOT a all of a sudden, one magical moment to change my life kind of deal.

This was almost a DECADE of GRINDING It out to become someone who I wanted to be.

>Still, I wish [...]

So before (and even during) my socially phobic years I remember thinking "wow, I wish I could be like that guy over there that's talking to everyone/gets that kind of attention/whatever" and then as the years went by and I kept trying to better myself I slowly realized:

"an 'I wish [...] is just a wasted I will [...]"

And by that I mean I realized that instead of sitting back and hoping things would fall in my lap, I realized it was in me to BECOME the type of person that was able to do those things, I just had to put in the hard fucking effort. It was something that was always in me, I just had to dig it out.


Hell, looking back I remember there were even moments where things LITERALLY fell in to my lap, but even if I wished for it, I just couldn't at all capitalize on it because I just wasn't capable of acting on it

one of the funnier of these, I remember there was this girl who dropped herself in my lap one night, tried to flirt with me the entire time, was pretty tipsy and literally tried to drag me in to her bed, but I was just too fucking nervous and confused and petrified and had no idea what to do.

In reality, at the end of the night I didn't want to sleep with her anyway because that's not the type of guy i was at the time, but that was also a complete rationalization on my own part and almost an excuse I told myself to cover for the fact that I was absolutely incapable of dealing with the situation at the time.

Even if "i wished" it, I wouldn't know what to with it.

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>>18224919
>which now officially makes me to intelligent to get a gf

what type of intelligence you're talking about?

Because intelligence to recognize body language, to bring up topics to look interesting, to realize what the other person is up to in terms of what he/she wants/is looking for in a relationship, to see signs between looks, touches, movements etc etc etc you've got NONE of that intelligence, sweetie.

You're getting rekt by these bitches and can't even see how, why or when and continue to get rekt until you get smarter

>>18225281
The TL;DR of that. It's better to be the type of person that believes "I will be[...]" rather than "I wish [...]" because the former becomes the type of person that can actually make those opportunities and act on them, rather than former who can only ever wait for them, and probably just end up watching them slip by if they ever even do.

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>>18224919
I know that feeling m8.
I'll be turning 24 in few months and I am still a handholdless, kissless virgin. I have pretty much accepted that I will not reproduce.
>mfw kust visited my cousin who is few years older than me, but was already engaged to his wife at my age, and now has a half year old daughter.
It was painful desu.

>>18225292
>I'll be turning 24 in few months and I am still a handholdless, kissless virgin. I have pretty much accepted that I will not reproduce.

So was I until about 23

first kiss/hand hold at 23 to the first girl who I ever truly cared for--who then soon after rejected me, first date/sex at 24. First girlfriend at 26.

I am this anon >>18225281 (it's a fucking long chain of walls of text basically telling how I changed myself and my mentality)

(That girl I mentioned who dropped herself in my lap, iirc I was 22/23 at the time and still hadn't had my first kiss)

For a long time I thought I didn't deserve to be with anyone, like I was too fucked up to be with them and would just drag them down, and even when I stopped believing that, there was a time where I felt like I might be cursed for it to never work out

It almost felt like I had some weird shit go down every time I was genuinely interested in someone... I had girls where a family crisis would occur, where my own family crisis would occur, a couple where close family members would die, where they'd lose jobs and have to move back home hundreds of miles away, and all sorts of shit.

Even AFTER I fixed my self confidence and threw myself into the world of dating, somewhere in the back of my mind, It felt like karma was out to get me and make be alone or something.

Fuck, even my girlfriend.... I kid you fucking not, 4 or so weeks after we started dating, her grandfather--the person who basically raised her and was her dad--passed away. And then two months later she got laid off. But this time, things went ahead anyway, and we've been together for years.

It's all about having the right mindset and the tenacity to stick through.

Dating and finding someone to truly be with is a grind and also a matter of happenstance. at the end of the day though, a lot of times it sneaks up on you in places you'd never suspect, but only if you keep your head up and don't let those opportunities pass you by

>>18225318
I do not have the drive to fix myself. I want to die desu.

>>18225320
>i do not have the drive to fix myself. I want to die
desu

As much as I made it sound like I did, neither did I at the start.

I was just tired of living the same old over and over and over and of being trapped in a black whole of depression and feeling like I was powerless and in a swamp of dispair, loneliness, and like the only thing that made me feel anymore were those mements where I broke down sobbing to myself and wondering if I should just end it all and if my parents could handle it if I did.

One day I just decided to try something new and turned it in to a little thing that I'd repeat until it became a habit (like walking straight and not hunched over) and then once that sunk in, I'd do something a little harder (like looking at people's eyes), and then eventually I kind of found myself having more and more courage and more drive as I noticed I was actually accomplishing shit and found it easier to push myself to do harder and harder things.

Baby steps. Fucking tin baby steps. Bit by bit, until the momentum of them starts to snowball you forward.

>>18225336
It's too late man. By the tine I'd have fixed myself I'd be pushing thirty. I am a failed male, and there is no reason for me to exist.

>>18225340

Dude... you're a male.

As much as this descreprecy sucks for women, this is one of those places where we've got the absolute fucking advantage: guys age MUCH better than women. Plus a lot more younger girls are attracted to older guys than vice versa.

Fuck man, I get WAY more looks and glances from young girls now that I'm pushing 30 than I ever did when I was 20. (Granted all those girls look like babies in my eyes now, but just saying).

>>18225352
And how is that relevant?
It's not like I'll ever be able to attract those girls, given that I am ugly and socially retarded.

>>18225366
Because unless you are literally, medically, developmentally challenged, one of those things is a learnable, polishable skill (that even dagnosed autistic kids can improve) and the other is a factor that is subjective and can be heavily mitigated by the proper attire/personality/bank account/heart-of-motherfucking-gold/whatever.

If you want to say you don't want to, that's cool man, all good. But if this something you want, something that you think would make you happy, don't think it's something you can't do. Because that's a lie. You can. You just gotta pick somewhere small to start and go forward with it until one day where you realize it paid off.

>>18225400
>You can. You just gotta pick somewhere small to start and go forward with it until one day where you realize it paid off.

Wishful thinking. I do not want to hold out hope for something that I will most likely not be able to accomplish

>>18225405
That was the entire point. It's not about hope. It's about just doing small shit and just becoming someone better--because why the fuck not.

Scroll up the the top. This entire time I've been telling the topic creator, no don't do this shit so you can "deserve" a woman. Do this shit so you can say you like who you are.

The rest just ends up as a perk as you snowball down that path.

>>18225421
Wishful thinking is the idea that I could ever fix myself. No doubt some people are capable of that, but I am not.

Have you tried focusing on yourself though? You won't become the best you overnight.

>>18225043

>I'd dropped out of university, I've since reentered

Now is the time to improve yourself, OP. I'm not saying it'll be easy, depending on how much of a sperglord you are, but college is the easiest place to do it.

You won't realize what a social advantage college is until you've moved on. There are hundreds or thousands of girls who are in close proximity to you, are in the same age group, and (within your major) share at least a few interests. Not to mention extracurricular clubs and parties.

You're sitting on a gold mine and wasting it.

>>18225043
I want to read the first reply.. Then the second.. The answer to your own question is right there..

You have to meet people... Go places.. Etc.

Ive met some hella boring poor uneducated people with wives n gfs.. They meet people and people click.

Ffs i have a friend whos a cute asian with double Ds. Her boyfriends a geeky guy. She met him at dungeons and dragons night at the comic shop.

While im not saying go to d&d and a magical cutey is gonna fly into your life.. Im saying that guy was out in a social environment where new people were around.

You dont have to go to the hottest clubs, the fanciest of restaurants or the most datiest of places.

You said yourself.. At a political convention or some shit. And in my friends bfs case, fucking dungeons and dragons night.

>>18225043
>too intelligent to get a girl

I think she was being very nice in saying "learn to talk about common interests. I dont care about all that shit you were talking about."

It even applies to simple not intelligent things.

I like archery. If someone else doesnt like archery, im not going to talk about it for 4 hours.

>>18224919
It doesn't.

File: CJWsyt9WoAACLOT[1].jpg (79KB, 600x800px) Image search: [Google]

79KB, 600x800px

That is a lot of replies. Thanks to everyone who posted ITT.

>>18225105
Yeah, I didn't. It didn't feel like she was bored at the time, though.
That's the problem - people advise me to "just relax and go with the flow" and I can totally do that! but that never leads me to breaking the romance barrier. I have to make a conscious effort to do that and it stresses me out.

>>18225146
>The advice isn't really "get better" so that you "deserve" someone.
I understand that it's not "deserving" in a moral sense. But I've been "self-improving" for many years now, and it's gotten me some of the things I wanted, but not this one thing. So the question is whether I'm not doing enough of it or doing it wrong.
As for the "desperate" mentality - it seems like people are telling me "you'll only get what you want if you stop wanting it". What's the point in me getting it, then? If everyone currently in relationships would be perfectly happy without them, why did they join up in the first place?

>>18225117
>if you're too shy/nervous to approach people, literally put up a card saying "Bored & want to meet people, come and talk to me."
Reminds me of pic related.

>>18225421
>Do this shit so you can say you like who you are.
But I already like who I am. I have flaws, but I also have positives which I appreciate in myself. I'd date me, probably.

>>18225285
>>18225443
I was being facetious.
And we did talk about common interests! Her profile said she was a cinema lover, but then when I revealed my powerlevel it turned out she never saw a Kubrick lol.

>>18224999
This has to be the most stupid thing repetitively posted on 4chan unironically.

The human female is not a fucking bike, you don't just hop on and start riding them because you learned how to wreck the first one. What this statement would equate more to would be trying to break an new American Stallion, over and over. Eventually, you get too old for that crazy shit because the beast can literally kill you out of an emotional burst.

>>18225004
Holy fuck, when did you sign your balls over to shekelstein?

>All guys are worthless, you deserve a disgusting slut or nothing! Stop having standards and just start sucking your best friend's cock if you want companionship so bad.

And there's no fucking irony or sarcasm! Y'all are worse than the degenerate scum who push for gender bullshit.

>>18225033
>I don't believe
WELL TOO FUCKING BAD, BUDDY!
THIS ISNT A RELIGION

"I believe" means for shit all coming from people with no experience, spouting bullshit about what they "think" will work from a situation theyve never encountered.

>>18225487
>As for the "desperate" mentality - it seems like people are telling me "you'll only get what you want if you stop wanting it". What's the point in me getting it, then? If everyone currently in relationships would be perfectly happy without them, why did they join up in the first place?

So I'm popping in again (same dude who keeps dropping walls of texts about changing. Fucking I'm never going to sleep ugh lol. Too much booze, hookah, and coffee yesterday night. )

I actually made a post or two in a thread about pretty much this exact topic >>18225380

I'm not sure I can articulate it exactly but it comes down to, when your own happiness is self sufficient, when you can say you feel like you're not seeking to fill a hole in your life, it's just easier to meet someone where you feel like you can coincidentally combine to create something greater.

That's still a really poor articulation of what I mean. I'm on the tail end of my crash :/. Read the other thread maybe? Blah, I'm getting too old for this level of tired

>Kubrick
Maybe she just didn't know she'd seen one? Most people don't.

Even she didn't, so what.

Once dated a girl who didn't know who said she loved music, but didn't know who Queen was, was pretty interesting introducing her to it and seeing her reactions.

>>18225526
>Even she didn't, so what.
Nothing, it wasn't a problem for me.
Apparently it was for her, though because she said "I feel bad about not knowing about all those things you talk about". Maybe I teased her about it and she interpreted it as real condescension? Who knows.

>>18225487
Putting up that sign -- that exact sign, complete with the hearts and drawing of Sonic or whatever -- would unironically be better than doing nothing.

>>18225542
>and drawing of Sonic or whatever
Oh boy, you don't recognize this? Here's a refresher in internet mythology:
https://sonichu.com/cwcki/Attraction_Sign

>>18225281
This anon gets it.
I've been following a similar path and boy howdy does it fell like climbing a mountain. But the whole point is the climb, and when you get to the top you can not only see the valley below, but even taller mountains in the distance.
I'll be 26 in a bit. It hasn't gotten easier, I've just gotten better at it.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.

There are thousands of ""experts"" out there on "how to get sloots" or "how to find meaningful relationships" and, to no one's surprise, they tend to contradict each other and their ideas are never guaranteed to work. No one (or multiple) thing will guarantee you to "find someone". Not getting a well-paid job, not reading books on seduction, not becoming ripped, not going out every night, not spending 5 hours a day on tinder, not becoming a balanced and well-educated individual. Sure, these things might help, but the cold hard truth is that you can do everything in your power and it still won't guarantee that you get your qt loving gf. The sooner you accept this, the better, because, guess what, it is possible to be happy and content without a partner. I'm not saying you should give up on women or anything like that, I'm just saying that instead of focusing all your efforts into this goal you should try to look for other things that may bring you fulfillment and content.

The point of focusing on yourself, as I see it is not to become better looking, more charming and more successful so you have a better chance of attracting a partner, but to find things that make you happy and put time and effort into them. You're not focusing on yourself by getting a job that pays well, but doesn't give you any fulfillment and content, you're only making a living.

>>18225497
He's not wrong though. You aren't owed a hot girlfriend just for existing. This isn't to say you're complete trash but if you struggle it's something you can probably change.

>>18225769
>I'm just saying that instead of focusing all your efforts into this goal you should try to look for other things that may bring you fulfillment and content.

Most of the things that bring me fulfillment and content (as opposed to short-term enjoyment) involve being alone and inside. I'm not claiming to be the most avid reader (I'm pretty slow actually) nor that my reading material is exceptionally patrician or whatever, but I do read for artistic experience and learning, not just to kill time.

So for me, "working on yourself" and "getting yourself out there" are mutually competitive activities. Sure, one can do both, but not to the same degree. Given the choice, which should I do more of?

>>18226045
>So for me, "working on yourself" and "getting yourself out there" are mutually competitive activities.

Then don't bitch that girls don't want to hang out with you, man. Either find something you like doing out of the house, or come to terms that dating will be bothersome to you.

But don't whine for 12 hours online, dude.

>>18225874
Nobody said they were "owed" a hot girlfriend either. Sometimes this stuff rages me into aggressively shitposting because you can see how prevalent this "black or white; get all or nothing" mentality everyone has about it.

You're telling people who are having a hard time that they are not having a hard time simply because you are not. Learn to add a 3rd person point of view to your own process before spouting nonsense like that, because it isn't true at all and YOU know it.

As someone said before, there are no guarantees that doing or having anything physical or intangible will get you friends/ a relationship. As you age and gain knowledge, you see that every species on Earth does some sort of mating dance and in a sense, anything that is pushed at someone else can be annoying or displeasing and seen as trying too hard. You even fucking hear people say how they "can read how desperate they are in their presence", which basically means they just judge people wrong based on whatever they can possibly think of and just go with it

Fact is, people are way too defensive about simple things like just talking to each other and are constantly wondering, "what do you mean" and you think it's easy for grown adults to get into relationships? Please.

>>18224919
stop being afraid, just go after what you want. if you aren't doing any thing immoral then you have nothing to worry about.

>>18226045
>Given the choice, which should I do more of?
If your only objective is to get a girlfriend? Going out and socializing, of course, that's how you actually get to meet girls, not by sitting alone in your house, reading. You don't need to reach a certain "level" in your career or knowledge base or whatever in order to find a partner.

Also if you haven't already you should read "Models" by Mark Manson, it seems exactly like the kind of book you're looking for, regarding dating women.

>>18225081
>The nearest city is 2100km away
That's roughly the distance between Paris and Moscow. Where the fuck do you live? In Siberia?

>>18224919
Focus on yourself means exercising in some form every day and reading non-fiction books one hour a day

>>18225004
>Getting a girlfriend is easy - just have no rules or standards.
Yep. Same goes for jobs, sex, etc. It's all easy to get if you're willing to go straight to the bottom.

>>18225542
It's amazing, but some girls are looking for a guy who's kind of desperate because of their own issues. My high school gf ended up marrying a guy whose facebook page was just him posting "why cant i have a grilfrnd? any single laddys wnt 2 go out wit me?" every day.

>>18226060
That's fine, I'm actually not the anon you were arguing with before. All I said was I agree with the idea that you can't just walk around saying you deserve a hot partner because it's what you want, and then do next to nothing to get that person. At the very least, bring things to the table like being confident in yourself and having things going on in your life that other people would want to be a part of. I see people with all sorts of issues who refuse to date anyone else with the same issues, these people seem to think that having someone who is better than them in their mind will bring them out of their own little pit, but it won't.

>>18224919
The self-improvement meme needs to die.

Yes, self-improvement will potentially make you more attractive, but 100 fucking trillion times more important is your mindset when approaching a relationship. You need to realize that you are always 'worthy' of a relationship - it's not some level in a video game or an objective achievement like scaling a mountain or some burden you place on a woman willing to take it. It's a consensual contract between two people that make each other happy. If you're an ugly son of a bitch that scratches his balls for a living and you pull a 10/10 girl who makes a hobby out of playing housewife, sucking your cock, and giving you back massages, well, congrats on winning the fucking lottery - you deserve it because she says she wants to be with you and you just gotta accept it.

The fact that you want to improve is admirable, but your motivation isn't. So many people incorrectly assume that you "work on yourself" so that you can be objectively better for your next prospect, when the point is to be better IN YOUR OWN EYES so that you can gain some SELF-WORTH and CONFIDENCE. Working on 'erudition' and 'watching important movies' screams 'I don't think I'm smart/cultured/good enough for a girlfriend and need to change for one', and that lack of confidence and self worth is a bigger barrier than any other to getting a good girl. Like, if the ways you're improving yourself really matter to you personally, awesome: you're doing it right. But if you have a sort of 'girls will think I'm cultured if I read a bunch of classical literature even though I hate that shit' mindset, then you're missing the point.

>>18226136
> You need to realize that you are always 'worthy' of a relationship - it's not some level in a video game or an objective achievement like scaling a mountain or some burden you place on a woman willing to take it.
I believe that when people talk about relationship worthiness they are leaving out an incredibly crucial bit of information. They want to be relationship worthy to all of the very sexy, attractive people who don't seem terribly interested in them, and agonize over that.

Like it or not, "leagues" in dating exist. Perhaps not hard leagues, but soft leagues, meaning you will be evaluated on arbitrary criteria, usually having to do with your level of fitness, your income, your facial features, ethnicity, and lifestyle choices. Many of the things you are rejected for may be out of your control, but many also aren't.

"Improving yourself" [to get a relationship] is just modern male dating advice shorthand for doing the following
>working out
>dressing better
>socializing more
>picking up new hobbies and/or diving deeper into your existing passions

There's nothing wrong IMO with wanting to improve in little ways if you feel it'll attract more friends or potential suitors. Yeah by all means, do it for yourself, but personally I need a certain level of socialization, and being able to share my life with other people and feel desirable by drawing them in is indeed preferable to being the lonely, depressed mess with no real friends that I once was.

>>18226049
I know it's fun to imagine me watching this thread non-stop since morning but that's not actually what happened.
I do enjoy a lot of outside activities, it's just that most of them have little to do with what I see as self-improvement.

>>18226062
>if you aren't doing any thing immoral then you have nothing to worry about
I don't enjoy anguish and stress, which is what I experience every time I get rejected. I'm not saying I'm not willing to suffer any of it, but I am not able to suffer an infinite amount of it.
Last summer I hit on a girl who rejected me. I didn't take it too badly, but then she happened to join the same MA program as I did, so now I see her all the time, and I think I'm developing a new crush on her. This is not a good feeling, and "just ask her out, what's the worst that can happen?" does not apply here.
Yeah, you can tell me it's all in my head and I'm stressing about nothing. You can also tell an arachnophobe that most spiders are actually perfectly harmless creatures - it would be as much help.

>>18226136
>Working on 'erudition' and 'watching important movies' screams 'I don't think I'm smart/cultured/good enough for a girlfriend and need to change for one', and that lack of confidence and self worth is a bigger barrier than any other to getting a good girl. Like, if the ways you're improving yourself really matter to you personally, awesome: you're doing it right. But if you have a sort of 'girls will think I'm cultured if I read a bunch of classical literature even though I hate that shit' mindset, then you're missing the point.

Yes, these things actually matter to me personally, I did not delve into my areas of interest with the main goal of impressing girls - even I know there are better ways to do it.
Would I be doing these things if I had no interest in sex or relationships? Yes. But some people tell me that doing them also, as a bonus, improves my chances on the dating market. So far I struggle to see the results of that.

>>18225487

> I was being facetious.
And we did talk about common interests! Her profile said she was a cinema lover, but then when I revealed my powerlevel it turned out she never saw a Kubrick lol.

Fine but bonding with somebody has nothing to do with who knows more than who, who's bluffing or who is better at something. It's about having a good time with the person. I wouldn't care about a girl's lack of knowledge about a topic she brought up if I'm having a nice time anyway...

That thing girls call "the feeling" is just bonding. We call it "not being a douche"

>>18226288
I was having a nice time and I didn't look down on her for this, didn't think it was "wrong" or anything.

The problem is that I thought she was an appropriate person to sperg out about movies in front of. Turns out she wasn't and felt belittled/alienated by it. Oops.

>>18226329

Well, I'm hanging out with a girl and from time to time I'll get political. She has passed from the "I have no idea what you're talking about", "this kind of sucks" to "have you heard about his news??" It's all about presenting whatever you like to them. If you make it (even feel) a little awkward l, it's already over.

Anyway, good luck with that!

>>18225340

Seriously, stop moaning. I'm reading this stuff and finding courage where I thought there wasn't, and I'll be 30 this August. I'm in the same situation as you, but this weekend I've decided enough is enough. Enough obsesing with girls. I'll be myself even if I have to be it alone

>>18226179
>I do enjoy a lot of outside activities, it's just that most of them have little to do with what I see as self-improvement.

Yo, from phobic-to-fearless, long as wall of text dude checking back in

You hobbies DONT nessesarily have be productive or enriching for you to become a better person. You just need a genuine passionate and ability derive a genuine feeling of joy and accomplishment from them.

Hell one of my favorite hobbies is shooting pool. That does almost nothing for me on an intellectual, spiritual, or physical level but it's something I truly enjoy, and it's one of those things that brings balance and a sense of ease to my life, so I'm a better person for it.

There's this eastern concept of something called the Tao or Dao, and there are a lot of interpretations, but one of my favorites is that it's basically about you fulfilling yourself by traveling your own path to the fullest of your own extent, whatever that may be.

>I don't enjoy anguish and stress, which is what I experience every time I get rejected.

In my own experience, the fact that you're still afraid of it and still hurt about it is probably what's holding you back a little.

I know for me, the day I took the biggest risk in my life and made myself the absolute most vulnerable I'd ever been, to someone I genuinely admired and care about in I way that I'd never before, i got shut down and faced total, soul crushing rejection.

That was also the day I learned that, hey, it hurts, but way worse were the days I lived driving myself crazy thinking about "what-if" because those regrets always built up and congealed in to something that felt like a sticky black tar on my soul that just weighing heavier and heavier until I felt like I was drowning in it.

By comparison rejection after baring my soul to someone hurt, but felt clean. like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. And since that moment I lost all fear moving forward because I realized I had nothing to be afraid of.

>>18226607
>continued
> But some people tell me that doing them also, as a bonus, improves my chances on the dating market. So far I struggle to see the results of that.

Wasn't enough space in my last post to address this.

Like Ive hinted at in this thread and the other one (that was specifically about dating) dating in itself is kind of a grind...

You have to put yourself for ridiculous amounts of time, in ridiculous amounts of settings, to ridiculous amounts of people, all with absolutely no guarantee it will ever pay off, because a lot of it just boils down to happened for to meet the right person, at the right time, in the right place.

But if you DONT do that, if you shut down and completely just stop trying to better yourself and ignore the outside world, then you'll never get anywhere and won't even be able to capitalize on any of the opportunities that DO pass you by--even if they are literally dropped in to your lap.

On top of that, dating can be a highly volatile and fickle thing.

That's why the best policy for me is to just live your life to the best of you, expect absolutely nothing from your encounters, and keep an open mind. Dating in itself shouldn't be the objective, just something you experience along the way.

That way you don't feel disappointed when something doesn't pan out, that way you don't warp your own perceptions and over invest in to a situation that would never work, that way when you come across someone who you genuinely enjoy being with and have a genuine connection with, you can know you established that with both eyes open to reality, and that what your seeing isn't tainted by expectations, but something genuine and sincere.

>>18224964
You're so stupid. It's all about how you look.

>>18224919
23 year old kissless virgin here.

I was sitting next to this qt with green hair in a class, and for 5 days in a row I asked her a question about the class, the 5th day she started laughing at my unfunny jokes quite hard and passing me notes in class. Next time I see her I am going to ask her to do something with me. This shit is easy! I only wish there were more girls in my classes to talk to.

I started feeling more confident for basically no reason at all other than an epiphany that I can't even articulate. I didn't even start doing anything differently, I just started feeling different.

Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it just doesn't. There is no guarantee as far as this stuff goes, at least if you don't make a conscious effort. If you value having a relationship over the other things that you spend your time on, then actively try to get a girl. Go through whatever set of practices that are set out for picking up chicks. And if you manage to get one in your hands, that is another set of problems to get through. But if you think that it will happen "organically", then you're dealing with a 50/50 chance -and those odds are based on a number of factors.

The main thing to remember is that there is just as much of a chance for you to find that "special someone" as there is of you dieing alone. But remember, that is if you aren't willing to make the sacrifice necessary to better your chances.

To me, the whole "soul mate" thing or the "right person" thing is a bit overrated. It could happen that the person that is perfect for you, and that you click with could be ten years older than you and married with a kid and a life. So, it's best not to think too much about it. Although you may not be thinking that deeply about it.

I know what you mean OP. I moved to a city of 16,000. All the good girls are taken so i'm accepting that i'll be single until I move. C'est La Vie.