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I got into an argument with my bf about his cousin (25?) who was living with us for about half a year to work locally. He moved back and i was told he would be coming back "soon". Every time I asked my bf when he was coming back he would just get annoyed/angry and say "i dont know". So this being the third time I had asked over a month or two, he exploded, pretty unexpectedly. He kept asking why it matters, why it was important to me, what difference does it make.
When he told me his cousin was moving in, I suggested we should all sit down and have a talk to work out living together. Later, he told me he talked to his cousin about it all. I never knew what this meant exactly. His cousin never really cleaned up after himself, mainly in the kitchen. Worked nights, stayed in his room most of time. He largely ignored me and would act annoyed when i would try to talk him so i figured i should just stop trying. During our argument, he said he told his cousin he can come and go as he pleased, staying for however/whenever long. I had no idea this was the case. I also pointed out I expect nothing more/less of his cousin than I would my own brother. That being, as an adult, clean up after yourself, buy some groceries, help contribute. He said he didnt want to argue with his cousin or tell him what to do.
During the argument he says that I dont like his family, that I dont consider his family part of mine. Most of the time when his family visits, they dont make much effort to talk to me. There have been times his mom hasnt even acknowledged me when she comes in. My parents have given him their cell numbers and text him regularly. His mom has never given me her number. She speaks spanish natively, but she knows fluent english. I want to consider his family my own, but it feels like this is difficult even tho i try.
During the argument, he was yelling at me the whole time. We made up but the whole thing just fucked me up a bit.
I guess i just want some other perspectives...
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>>18222472
Just ditch him, you guys have different priorities and are both right.
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>>18222472
Who pays the bills on the place you're living?
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>>18222472
Just call ice on his "cousin" and buy a MAGA hat to wear around the house
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>>18222509
his home but i pay him monthly to contribute to mortgage/bills and i buy all groceries
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>>18222501
Different priorities how?
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>>18222522
Sounds like you're not being appreciated as a contributer to the household. Your boyfriend's priorities don't include you at the moment. You can either wait a while and wait to see if it changes, and if it does you're fine, or you can decided when you've had enough and dip out. Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Hope he's worth it.
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>>18222549
thank you very much. Really appreciate you taking some time to provide some insight.
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>>18222472
Your boyfriend is asking you to be considerate of his cousin, and his definition of "considerate" basically means "expect absolutely nothing of him." Meanwhile, you're being treated very inconsiderately and as though your status as a member of the household means nothing.
I would have another talk with your boyfriend when there are no tempers running high. Explain to him that you don't hate his cousin and you're not trying to get him kicked out of house, but that you don't understand why your boyfriend expects so much less of his cousin than he does of you when you're all sharing a household together. It might also be worthwhile to point out the discrepancies in how your respective parents treat their child's significant others - your boyfriend seems to see the end result of the situation (you having a comparatively poor relationship with his family) without noticing the cause (his mother being standoffish despite your best efforts to get to know her, for example).
It is very important during this conversation that you do not come across to your boyfriend as though you're delivering some sort of ultimatum where he must choose between you and his cousin/family. Consider your words carefully and come up with a list of specific subjects that you want to tackle before you sit down with him. If he starts to get angry at you again, don't let it turn into a shouting match - stand your ground but don't lash out back at him.
If your boyfriend simply refuses to talk about the situation without yelling at you, then >>18222549 might be right, and you might just need to move on. Any situation where you're having to balance consideration of your blood relatives and consideration of your significant other is hard and it really sucks. That doesn't really excuse the way that your boyfriend is completely taking your for granted right now and expecting you to just put up quietly with anything, though, especially if you're a financial contributor to the household.
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