I'm sick of tihs. It has been four months and I haven't

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I'm sick of tihs. It has been four months and I haven't been able to get over my ex. I never wanted to break up with her, she broke up with me after a discussion. And later, she cut all contact with me after I went crazy on a panic attack and started spamming her phone with calls. I truly didn't want to do it, I feel like I don't recognize me when I remember what I did. I never had done it before with anyone, not even with other exes. It was just the idea of losing her made me go desperate. I wanna apologize but I fear she won't hear me. I can't move on because so many things I like and do remind me of her (mainly because we used to do or talk about that shit together). Stop doing those things would mean stop doing the things I love, but I can't keep doing them without being reminded of her. I don't know what to do.

Thankfully this isn't affecting me while studying, I still can concentrate and study and stuff, but every single free moment I have, I start thinking about her. I don't want to turn my life into endless studying. I want to get her back, at least I don't want her to hate me. I genuinely want all the best for her. Not even sexual (although I wouldn't reject it), I just want to make sure she's always happy. And most importantly, I wanna stop feeling this horrible feeling that she hates me.

What do I do?