How important is it for a guy to feel like he is investing in

Your friends are retarded. If you don't act like an equal in a relationship, don't be surprised when the guy doesn't treat you like an equal.

Your friends are indeed retarded. The simple point is everyone wants to feel valued and appreciated for their time and energy invested into a relationship. Especially when it involves a sacrifice of some sort. What is important is to allow someone else to invest and not minimize them. It is all relative also like one person mightesrn 5$ per minute while the other makes 10$ perhour. So a fancy dinner might be less than an investment than someone else's pbj picnic. It is about making the effort to recognize these nuances and appreciate the relative value over objective value.

>>18200435

That's a poor approach. While there's something to be said in letting someone do something nice for you (i.e. if I would like to take you to a nice dinner, or surprise you with flowers, please accept them and don't yell at me about things being equal or something), a man giving away his shit on the regular is a bad thing. "Expecting" guys to give you gifts is different than graciously accepting them.

I'll throw an example out here of how to go about it the wrong way. My ex-girlfriend was pretty much fresh out of college, and didn't have much in terms of spare cash to throw around, whereas I didn't have any college debt and was a few years into work, so I could afford to spend a little bit of money. I personally like eating out, and I would take us to reasonably nice dinners - and always foot the bill. I knew they were out of her range. She'd vehemently refuse most of the time and tell me she can take care of herself and that I don't owe her anything and then we'd end up stuck in a situation where I couldn't go where I wanted to eat, because "eating nice" in her budget basically meant going to Olive Garden. I enjoyed spending the money because I felt it was enriching to our relationship, she stubbornly refused it, wouldn't budge, and it was part of why we broke up.

Just be willing to accept nice things, don't expect them, and retain your independence because a lot of guys love that kind of thing.

Date different men. Honestly, most men should appreciate not having to pay for things all the time. However, if someone does buy you something nice, don't flat out refuse them because "I'm an independant woman", graciously accept then buy them a nice surprise further down the line- it's okay to get gifts etc, for your partner.

Honestly this is only an issue if you want a super traditional guy, which, from the sounds of it, isn't your natural bent, although it may be your friend's preference.

Don't expect anything, but be generous yourself and be gracious about other's generosity. Then you get an even balance.

Where do you live anyway? I've never met anyone in the west who thinks like that, let alone a large group of people.

>>18200442
I personally also like to be an equal in relationships.
>>18200491
I don't get all indignant about people doing fancy things, I just don't really appreciate them. For example, I've been on dates with 100$ dinners, but the best date I've ever been on was on a bean-bag chair on a balcony just out of the rain, cooking hotdogs on a kettle grill. Probably costed 4$ total for the two of us, if you assume the rest of the dogs went to use.

I'm just a cheap date. I don't expect or want expensive stuff, and a person dropping 100$ on a meal frankly feels more stupid than complimentary.

>>18200746

Well, I mean, maybe this is what your friend was getting at? Like, it's all well and good to say you're a cheap date and people don't have to go out of their way, but sometimes people want to. I'd be super bummed if I worked hard to make money to take you to a nice place that I liked a lot and you said the expense was "stupid."

Part of that is a matter of dating the right guy I suppose, but I don't want to eat hot dogs every time we go out just because you're a cheap date, if you get what I'm saying.

>>18200746
Shit where u at tho, i can't stand eating out at fake restaurants whose prices are unreal and their food tastes nothing like the meals I make at home.

I kid about the location thing. But rest assured you gotta let it be known from the start that you enjoy the comfort of a cheap grill/home cooked meals over a shitty uptight restaurant.

As to the original post, as a traditionalist based guy - yeah it tends to stick that we want to invest in you now so that you reciprocate later. I can see why you like the treat each other as equals thing but to me it seems like you don't want to invest yourself too much in case you lose interest or just need some excuse in some way to make an exit plan.

>>18200746
OK then go date an artist. Just go to events and frequent the art department at the local colleges. Artist types are typically broke as fuck and need folks who can appreciate them. FUCK ARTISTS

>>18200435
Men need to be providers to feel like they are fulfilling their role as men in the relationship. Not sugar daddies. Providers.

>>18200781
Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate nice food, but spending a bunch of money on something in an effort to impress someone with your ability to pay for that thing doesn't make sense to me. It just makes me think something like "why are you spending 2x what you should be on this?"

To go back to the hotdog story, I'd still rather put steaks on that little kettle grill than go out to a fancy steak house and pay 4x the steaks' value for the same result.

>>18200837
Do guys think that if they spend money on a partner, that they'd bias toward staying in the relationship even if they lose interest? I can see that being true sometimes, but does a guy want someone to stay for that reason?

>>18201041
This might actually be the root of the issue, and might be a more direct way of phrasing what my friends were trying to say. Personally, I don't need/want a provider, I'm more looking for a companion.

>>18201283

I'm amazed I'm still up, but hey. Keep in mind I'm just trying to shed some light on what your friends may be saying to you, and not saying you have a bad mentality or anything. But we're working with limited info here.

I feel like maybe you're trying to logic this out just a little too much. Yeah, you can make steaks at home, but hopefully you're going to a nice place where the preparation is a little unique, the quality is a little better, they have more experience... that kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, you're going to find PLENTY of guys that want to go dutch on things, and see eye to eye with this kind of thought process, but if you and I were dating and you frequently said "I don't see why we go out and spend money on X when we can stay in and do it similarly at home," I'd feel cramped up at home and wouldn't be into the relationship, unless we were making up for that money saved or whatever by keeping adventurous in other ways.

As far as guys and spending money on a partner to keep them around, it's not ALL guys, but definitely some guys. For example, my buddy played professional football. He was an offensive lineman, so a little heavier, not the most naturally handsome guy in the world. But the girl he was dating was an absolute 10. Were we all aware that she was around for the money and recognition he was playing football? Sure, but he was having great sex with a girl that made everyone's head spin. He spent more money on her than he should when his career faded, just to keep her around, and honestly, if I was in his position, I might have done the same. Now he doesn't have much going for him with the ladies because "I used to play football but now I work in a prison" doesn't do anything to make up for the weight he's gained and shit.

Just food for thought, hope it helps.

>>18200435
It's not that he has to feel like he's investing in you, it's that when you dismiss his gestures as unimportant, it's kind of insulting. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where their romantic gestures get shot down. It feels shitty.

So if a guy wants to take you to dinner and says he'll get the check, just let him, and understand he's trying to be nice. You can let him know it's unnecessary, but also let him know you appreciate that he's trying.

Different people invest in their b relationship in different ways. Some people do it with money, some people do it with closely held secrets, some people do it with time. Just depends what kind of guy you're with

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