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I just need to get something off my chest and I don't know where else to go. I've just lost the love of my life, my partner, my best friend and my heart is shattered into a million pieces.
Things have never been 100% perfect between us, but we've always gotten over whatever problems we were having and stuck by each other. A lot has happened in our lives but we've always been there to support each other - or at least I thought that was the case. Last week he phoned me to say that he wasn't happy and needed a break, he couldn't deal with my depression and anxiety anymore and needed to get his head straight. Throughout the four years that we have been together I spoke very little about what's wrong with me, always felt that he had enough problems of his own and didn't need to deal with mine. So I got on with life, I go to uni and have a job, try to have hobbies and interests and run the house that we both live in.
We moved in together a year ago and it wasn't easy. All the changes that were happening put a huge strain on my mental health and neither of us were the perfect person to live with, but it was our first months living together and there was a lot to learn. They say the first two years are the worst but I was prepared to tackle that.
About November time I started getting worse. Christmas was approaching and I was missing my family, worrying about mum who was (still is really) going through some problems, and struggling a bit at uni. I cried a lot, was getting grumpy and moody, wasn't interested in sex. At New Years I fucked up and we fell out, his family stopped talking to me. I apologised for what I did but apparently that wasn't good enough. It was the first time I have felt suicidal in a long time. (1/2)
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(2/2)
But then things got better for a little while, we were back to normal although I still wasn't feeling 100%. We started doing things together again, had more sex, he acted like he cared and was actually interested in me again. He seemed happy. He got a job, wasn't home much so I did most of the housework and had dinner ready for him coming back. We went on some dates, played games like we used to. Until the stress hit again and I started worrying about my holiday.
I decided to fly to the other side of the world to spend Easter with my family and meet the new baby. I was obviously excited, but worried about leaving my boyfriend back home, about whether he'd be okay on his own, what he would eat, and the time difference between us if something went wrong. The last week I was scrambling to finish all uni work, get the house all clean and take the pets to where they were going to stay. One day we had made plans to go somewhere and I just wasn't feeling up to it - he got mad, went by himself and I ended up spending the day crying in bed. But I apologised and the last days together at home were amazing: we spent lots of time together, were close, he took me out to cinema, we had amazing sex.
And then the night before I was leaving he called. He was drinking and said he couldn't do it sober, and he couldn't do it face to face. He said he did it just before my holiday because being with my family would take my mind off it but to be honest, I don't even want to be here. He said he still loves me but if I want to see other people that's fine with him. I don't. I just want to be good enough for him.
Right now I'm laying in bed with tears pouring down my eyes, biting down on my pillow because I don't want my family to know. I have his scarf here, it smells like him. I'm on the other side of the world and all I want is for him to hold me, I want to hear his voice and feel his touch. We're not perfect but I love him.
And I just don't know what to do.
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>>18171435
Iktf
Talk to your family please. They'll understand you and be there for you
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What did you do at new years?
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>>18171513
I can't, they worry about me as it is and really don't need this. I know they're always there for me but I just can't...
>>18171523
We went out to the pub with some friends and he ended up spending most of the night with some other people. We had a taxi booked and left the pub together, but he turned back to help his ex who was so pissed she had no idea what was going on. So I got into the taxi by myself and went home without him. His dad gave him a lift, but when he got home I had passed out and didn't hear him knocking on the door. He spent the night at his parents' house. I shouldn't have left him there, there's no excuses.
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>>18171540
Telling my parents was the first thing I did when I found out my gf had cheated on me after 4 years. Had a huge breakdown at home with them but god know what I would've done without them. Yours need to know right now
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>>18171540
>I can't
You can and you will
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>>18171564
Fuck man what an awful thing to do. I just don't want to ruin everyone's holiday, we have a birthday party coming up, the baby's Baptism and then Easter. If I bring this down on everyone now all the attention is going to be on me and I don't want that. Also my mum's going to do the "we need to do something about this now, and when you come back you need to kick him out the house" etc. I want things between us to be ok, he's been really blunt in his messages the pas day or so though and I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore...
>>18171701
It's easier said than done. It won't fix anything.
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