Too honest? I found out a girl my boyfriend works with is attracted

Your boyfriend sounds like an ass, you should try finding someone better. Why did he bring up sleeping with her anyway? Did you ask him: "If we weren't together would you sleep with her?"

Also, he shouldn't be calling you names just because you're upset. It sounds like he is attracted to her, obviously, but if something were to happen between you two, like having a big fight...i wouldn't be surprised if he would go on and flirt with her.

>>18155063
I only say this because I had a similar situation with my ex and although he didn't do anything at first... One night we got in a big fight and a few days later I find out he was flirting with her after the fight ended because of the fight.

You asked for honesty. Cute girls are cute girls. Sex feels good. Being not-lonely is good. You're fine, he cares about you. Don't pay it much mind. She's just wasting her time.

All I said was that maybe I should be more affectionate or make my presence more known, because I felt like maybe she is doing this because she doesn't take our relationship seriously, or thinks I'm no kind of threat. Then he said what he did.

hey, if you're upset take a second, i find its never good to make decisions when upset.

next off, he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be completely honest, you have to understand that. if he thought things were bad then he would lie, but no he cares about you enough to always be honest, be grateful for that :)

as for the asshole and jerk comments, ask him to try not to call you names, explain to him that you are genuinely worried and could use his help talking this through.

lastly NOT HOSTILE talk to the girl and kindly say i would really appreciate if you didnt approach my boyfriend, if that fails just ignore her, and have your boyfriend request different shifts.

this is a normal situation of a toxic third party interjecting itself into your stable relationship. you two can easily manage this

>>18155063
and you, dont reduce him to being an ass after just that, be constructive and helpful. you haven't even heard it all

Thank you. I'm trying to ask for space but he keeps texting me and calling, saying I'm being a bitch. I just want time to decompress.

I think the most I would say to her is what you suggested, though she is his supervisor so I don't think she'd approve schedule changes. He told me she asked about his dick size and made a comment about a gang bang... this is very uncomfortable.

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>>18155085
then message him saying you need some time, use the word please (you'd be surprised at how much weight that word can actually carry in a fight) and that you're turning your phone off for the night so you can rest.

she's his supervisor...fuck, then is he has two options, he can deal with it and maybe she'll lose interest. or he can raise a complaint to whoever is above her, i recommend this one.

also clicking a persons number helps let you know who you're replying to, helps streamline replies.

>>18155095
Thank you. I have been saying please for over an hour, but he just keeps getting more and more angry and texting more and more often. I don't know what to do when he gets like this.

I just found out about this now, but the way he talks about it, I think he feels this isn't a big deal. To me it sounds like sexual harassment but I can't be the one to report it, he has to be the one to do it because it's his job. I just don't think he will, and that this will continue.

I gotta know: did you specifically ASK HIM if he was attracted to her/wanted to sleep with her, or did he volunteer this information? If you asked him about it, you being upset really isn't justifiable -- when you force somebody to either lie to your face or deliver an unpleasant truth, you can't be upset when they pick the truth.

If he just mentioned of his own volition that if he were single he'd probably fuck her, then ... yeah, he's a prick. There's some shit you just don't fucking say to your partner. The impression I get from your post is that this is what happened. Am I wrong?

EITHER WAY, him calling you an "asshole" and a "bitch" for being upset is beyond the pale. I love my fiancee to death, but I've still had some pretty brutal fights with her over the years, fights where we were both completely incensed at each other. There have been times when she needed a little alone time to get over it and all I wanted was to get together and yell at each other and hash it all out. I still never, ever said anything like that to her.

And the regrettable things that I did say, I quickly thought better of. I certainly didn't keep calling and texting, calling her a bitch over and over.

Sorry, dude, I realize I don't have the full story here and maybe in every other respect he's an absolute peach, but ... your boyfriend sounds like a twat. Maybe you shouldn't be with him.

>>18155109
To clarify, I did not ask. He just told me. I feel like he doesn't understand that that is a dick move and I don't know how to explain it to him in a way I haven't don't already.

I want to argue in a healthy way like that, to be able to ask for space and get it. I hope I can get there one day.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I have been in treatment and helped so much in the past year and some change. I have been able to think more clearly in arguments and stand up for myself, which I don't think he is used to. He's a recovering alcoholic (as am I), with bad anger issues. He's gotten a lot better, but I am sad that we haven't made more progress in these six years together.

wow i fee really sorry about this whole thing, i wish i could offer more advice. the best i can do is recommend getting some rest, it really helps settle things for everyone.

i dont know what to say about him, he sounds like an ass but i know that i act the same way with my GF, she gets pissed because i have no filter and i speak honestly whenever she brings something up.

i can say he must not be a complete asshole and maybe not to totally be mad at him.

>>18155121
It's okay, and I am thankful for any advice. I am no angel either, and have been a real jerk in the past - especially when drunk. I almost feel like he wants to push me to that point again even though I'm don't so much better. I'm speaking to him like I'm speaking to you guys and he's calling me an insane woman, saying I'm like 5 different people. I just don't understand any of this.

Did you ask him "would you sleep with her if we were not together?", or did he just say " well if we weren't together I would sleep with her?" very important, my ex, she's a nice girl and all, but would ask me a lot of questions like that and you can't hate on him for honesty like that. To just say it, out of the blue, is shitty though.

>>18155128
Oops, the other posts weren't there when I started reading the thread.

>>18155119
Yeah, some people (obviously) think that, if a thought is sincere, that automatically means you can't get upset when they share it. God knows where they get this idea, maybe from misunderstanding childhood lectures about being "true to yourself." We call these people "immature."

Here's how I'd explain it to him.

"Being honest in a relationship doesn't mean you have to share every single thought that pops into your head. We all have thoughts every now and then that we keep to ourselves, because saying them can and does hurt."

(pause for breath, this is the important bit)

"It's OK if you didn't mean for it to hurt, making mistakes is fine. But when you say something that makes me feel shitty, the right response is to say I'm sorry. Verbally abusing me and calling me a bitch for being upset is totally unacceptable."

(if he responds positively, you don't need to say this final bit, it's only for if he responds with more verbal abuse)

"I need some time alone right now. That is not an unreasonable request. Do not text or call me again. Do not call me a bitch again if you want to remain in a relationship with me."

Obviously put all that in your own voice, but personally I'd stick to that script.

And fuck, maybe you've said all of that already. If so, there's not much I can say that'll help beyond calling him a prick again. But hopefully it'll help at least a little to have somebody else lay out those points.

>>18155119

He sounds like a fucking autist at best, and a flat out asshole at worst. There's honesty, and then there's sharing things that don't need to be shared and no one wants to be shared.

Anyways, I definitely consider it a red flag.

>>18155141
That's a really great explanation. Thank you so much. I'm going to calm down for the rest of the night and then address it tomorrow (well, later today I guess). This was really helpful.

>>18155148
I am glad I'm not the only person who feels that being honest isn't the same as saying every little thing.

>I asked him to be honest about thing
>he was honest about thing
>omg how dare he! Wtf is wrong with him
Women logic, everyone

>>18155189
You misunderstood. The information was given without any prompting.

Being 'honest' does not mean saying everything you feel at any moment in time or being tactless and cruel.

It means you don't lie about shit and you try to tell the truth about how you are feeling where necessary to have a good relationship.

If you didn't ask him about it, then it has nothing to do with honesty.

He wants you to sink. He doesn't like it that you're progressing into a healthy individual. Be strong and don't let him ruin all your hard work.

>>18155101
>To me it sounds like sexual harassment but I can't be the one to report it, he has to be the one to do it because it's his job. I just don't think he will, and that this will continue.
It doesn't just "sound like" sexual harassment; it very clearly IS sexual harassment. Imagine how utterly unacceptable the situation would be if the genders of the parties involved were reversed! Your boyfriend should be doing something about it immediately, and if he's not, it's because he likes the attention. That's not a big deal in and of itself, if you ask me - but the way he's handling the situation in general (by basically bragging to you that he'd shag his boss if you weren't in his life and then throwing a tantrum when you react with natural upset) is more than a little bit of a red flag.

I don't know what your boyfriend's angle is, but he's definitely trying to use (or maybe even engineer) this situation to manipulate or upset you for some reason. Try talking to him about it once you've chilled out, but if he just keeps being a dick, maybe just tell him to fuck off. Nobody likes mind games, and more importantly, nobody likes people who excuse assholery by saying "I'm just being honest!" as though it's a virtuous thing.