How do you get over your SO talking with and still being friends

It depends on the history they've had, and the relationship you've had since

>>18151980
>still being friends with the ex?

Bad idea 99.9% of the time.

You're probably being cucked

Follow that bitch and install keyloggers

There really isn't anything you can or should do about it, it's your SO's choice. You're correct when you say that any attempt you make to stop that will be taken the worst possible way and be seen as unfair and controlling.

Accept the fact that, yes, the ex probably still wants to fuck her, and trust her enough to believe that she's not going to go back to him now that she's with you.

Instead of being miserable and jealous, try channeling that energy/anxiety into being the best bf you can be, to the point where even though you might still feel threatened, you've proven yourself to be a specimen that she'd have to be insane to risk losing.

>>18152001
Would it make a difference if it's the guy chatting up his ex girlfriend?

>>18152009
No, not really. I just assumed OP was male because, yknow, 4chan demographics.

>>18151980
you're automatically the bad guy for her wanting to see another man she fucked?
That thinking right there, is what she wants.
There are nice girls that will respect you and treat you like you treat them, why sit here and play these mind games with this one.

>>18152027
Well I'm female and it's my bf being friends with his ex. To answer though, it's because I lack self worth, been through a lot of relationships with both men and women, and I feel like this guy treats me the best....Basically everything is perfect about him except for this need he has to be friends with his ex...and it's even long distance. It just makes me feel icky to know he is still in contact with someone he was intimate with and seeing her constantly "love" his picture and messaging him on Facebook and such.

It makes me feel not good enough, which might just be.

>>18152073
How long has he been friends with his ex?
Was he already friends with his ex when you first got to know him?
Why do you care so much if she's far away?

>>18152073
what i said applies to either gender, your crotch doesnt make you a less shitty person because you have a dick there

>>18152073
I would find someone better and worth your time.

I am a man and was in a relationship for 5 years. I would stay in contact with my long distance Ex and promise my GF that it was nothing more than a friendly chat. I am not back with my Ex 5 years down the line. I do not feel good about what I did to her. My point is that he is talking to her for a reason.

My feeling is that unless she was married to this dude for 20-years or he ended being gay, then it's not really okay to keep talking to an old lover except when you really need to out of politeness.

You're sat next to your girlfriend at home and she's there having a conversation with a guy she used to fuck. How is that respecting you? How would she like it if the tables were reversed?

Ultimately how you feel does matter and in this instance you're not necessarily wrong to feel insecure. She probably loved and lusted after this guy and we all fucking know the ex is just there trying to get back into her pants. Don't believe that bullshit about them just being good friends. What she has no other friends? She really has no feelings for this guy?

Now you can't force her to stop speaking to her ex, but just be brutally honest about how you feel. If she goes, "well I'm not going to stop talking to my ex," then she's putting this other dude before her current relationship. I don't know your relationship, but a lot of people are incredibly selfish about this crap and hide it under the pretext of it being part of a healthy trusting relationship when it really isn't.

>>18152292
Couldn't agree with this guy more.

>>18151982
this like a thousand times.

I have a friend who is an ex. We were friends for a long time before we dated, then we dated for a couple years and it was terrible, then we broke up and it was terrible for a while, then we were friends again and have been for like 10 years. If my girlfriend wanted me to stop talking to this person it would be unreasonable.

I'm also friends on facebook with a few people I have fucked. I do not want to fuck them now. Talking to them is not a risk to my relationship with my girlfriend. My girlfriend knows I have fucked these people. It would still be unreasonable for her to ask me to stop being friends with them.

I'm a guy who is friends with 2 out of 3 exes.

Those two relationships ended mostly amicably. Girl #1 was my first girlfriend, and I cried for days, but it was high school, we're both adults now, and while she was my "first love," she's married and we both work in the same industry. There's no romantic friction there, I just occasionally say hello when I'm in town.

The next girl and I broke up hugely amicably, mainly because she was Mormon, and I wasn't willing to change. Our lives kind of drifted, and we both just agreed that there wasn't the same spark anymore, and we should just be friends. But we still enjoyed our time together, so I'll still take her to dinner and shit every once in a while. I was invited to her wedding. Her husband is a nice dude.

Anyways, the point is, history matters about why they broke up. Was there heartbreak on either side? Cheating? Find that out and make your decision about the relationship.

I suppose if someone told me to stop talking to them I would, but at the same time, I think they'd be more concerned about my best female friend of 20 years.

>>18152182
3+ years. He had just broken up with her when we met and he even told me he wasn't over her for a year but eventually he did fall in love with me.

I guess that's why it bothers me so much, because besides occasionally gently telling him how their friendship makes me uncomfortable, it doesn't seem to matter. I never wanted to be abusive and controlling so I never told him not to be friends with her. I just figured slowly over time they would stop talking....but it's been 3.5 years now and they still haven't.

>>18152901
>>18152902
It doesn't seem rude to your current girlfriend that are being friends with someone with casual memories every so often that you two were intimate?

Doesn't that mean you prioritize the ex and that friendship over your current partner and the person you're supposed to love if you would drop her if she wanted you to stop if it was upsetting her?

>>18152949
I've known the ex I'm referring to since I was in high school (like, 17 years ago), I've known my GF for about 8 years. I haven't been dating the ex for 10 of those 17 years, and we only dated for 2 of them. It's not disrespectful to my GF to be friends with a person who is my friend. This would be just as unreasonable as if my GF asked me to stop talking to one of my long-time male friends.

If anything it is disrespectful to me for my GF to be dictating who I can and can't have as friends. I absolutely prioritize my long-standing friendships over some woman who doesn't respect me (in this hypothetical scenario where my girlfriend is being a bitch).

>>18152949
>i
This is one of those situations where it shouldn't swing completely to one side or the other.

To be inconsiderate of your partner's discomfort is a problem. But being controlling is also a problem. A compromise must be worked out.

For example, all hang out together. If the SO and the ex develop a friendship of their own, then there's no problem. If lets the person who is friends with the ex keep their friendship while also letting the SO keep an eye on the situation until they realize it's okay and the person isn't a threat.

Or, if it's actually not okay, then specific reasons can be addressed.

>>18152949

No, I fail to see how it's rude. There are no existing romantic feelings. It's like a distant dream, almost.

A relationship means that we share our lives from that point forward. It doesn't mean that I scrub my past clean to fit in with them and pretend that people and memories didn't exist. I wouldn't ditch a night out with my girlfriend for these girls, but I'd feel very apprehensive if she felt that I needed to remove girls from my life that I haven't been intimate with in 5-15 years. It would be a major red flag.

Like >>18152967 says, my long-standing friendships are comprised of people I can trust and have known for many years, who have shown they are important parts of my life. If my girlfriend wants to remove parts of my life, she's not really interested in me, just the packaging outside that she can mold into her perfect bf.

>>18152983
Doesn't this work both ways too then? What if the gf has issues with it for reasons that aren't selfish (abusive past; mental illness). You wouldn't be willing to let go of a friend if it was disturbing her well being, because you expect the girlfriend to act and be every way you desire so she is the perfect girlfriend.

I don't know, it just absolutely baffles me how people can prioritize friendships over a deeper love. They aren't just "some women" or "so guy". A SO is someone you're supposed to be in line with for a life partner. They are supposed to be your best friend and more. Even if you've known a friend longer than a SO, if you're connection and love is deeper with the SO, then the years won't matter who you've known longer. I have known friends for 10+ years who knew less about me than my boyfriend of 3 years

He's heavily implied he hasn't liked me talking to certain friends, and out of respect for him, I gently tell the friend my situation and let them go. No regrets because my SO can offer me what I was getting out of the friendship and more.

>>18153111
Not in all cases, but in a lot of cases, people who expect this sort of thing are abusive. One by one they'll weed out people in your support network, until the only person you have left to depend on them. This means you're much less likely to leave, since you have nowhere to go. You've burned your bridges, so they can behave worse and worse without repercussion.

This is a well-documented phenomenon. Beware someone who separates you from more and more of your friends.

>>18152978
He's still holding onto her because she fulfills a role in his life that you cannot.
I'm sorry, but it's the truth. As cold as it is.

>>18153165
I have zero issue with my boyfriend having a ton of friends. I even don't care if he hangs out with other girls. One of them even crushed on him for a while...but for some reason, it just this one girl that literally keeps me awake at night. I don't know if it's because I'm abusive, or if it is just something about this person in particular but I don't know what...

>>18153208
Let it go, m8. You're the only one involved that this is bothering. You'e the one with the problem.

>>18153111

No, I'm sorry - if you have mental illness or an abusive past that strongly defines your personality, I probably won't be dating you in the first place, but second, you're going to have to adapt.

I want a partner, not a co-dependent. I want someone who has their own life, I have mine, and we complement each other to make our lives even greater than they were before.

I kind of question how old you are, because it seems like you have a bunch of things someone told you about relationships that you believe, rather than personal experience. I really wonder how long you've been seeing this guy too.

When you're in a relationship with someone, there is a TON to learn about them still, and you can't guarantee they're your best friend and more until you've been together for a super long time.

My best friend knows more about me, and will always know more about me, than anyone I marry. It's just a simple matter of having spent most of our lives since childhood totally inseparable. There's things that he knows that I wouldn't even remember to tell a girlfriend if I tried, but that still shape me.

If your friends are so replaceable, you don't truly have good friends.

>>18153248
Okay well if that's what works for you, but usually shitty and selfish people are the ones who won't be with someone if they have any kind of issue (health or otherwise) and "baggage" because they are the type who just want the good in relationships and will turn their back the second any kind of bad shows in favor for what is more "comforting" for themselves rather than actually trying to help someone or accepting their flaws. I mean I can't really say I'm surprised if you are the type to put friends > lover too.

>>18153307

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect someone flawless, but don't expect me to date you if you're going to fall back on your "issues" as an excuse to make me do what you want. We all have baggage. I have baggage. I'd really need to know what constitutes an "abusive past" to you before dating, because I have probably had one that was worse than most. But I don't hold it as an excuse to not act normal in a relationship. I wouldn't want to date someone with a mental illness. The phrase "don't stick your dick in crazy" comes to mind.

Like I said, I want a partner. I don't just want a relationship so there's a warm body next to me at night. My roommate on the other hand, will date any damaged, emotionally unsound girl that so much as smiles at him on the street, because he feels invalidated outside of a relationship.

I wouldn't ever turn my back on a partner if they needed help or suffered something traumatic, that's what being in a relationship is all about. But entering into a relationship with someone who has major flaws, and changing myself to suit her? No. That's unhealthy.

>>18153307
As the other person commenting in the topic in defense of not being fucking insane, my GF has a chronic illness and it has literally never affected our relationship in any way, and it has certainly never made her want to ask me to stop being friends with some of my friends.

Being my girlfriend doesn't make you immune from criticism when you're being unreasonable. If you're asking me to do something untoward, I'm not going to stand for it. "This makes me uncomfortable" is not a reason. That's your issue; that's not something that I am doing to you. I'm not sexting this person, I'm not lording them over you or saying "why can't you be more like X." They aren't sending you threatening messages. There isn't anything I'm doing that's fucking you up. It's just you.

>>18153111
>No regrets because my SO can offer me what I was getting out of the friendship and more.
as a female i can say that you will definitely regret this attitude down the road in life

what if your perfect husband gets hit by a bus? huh? who will watch netflix with you then?

anyway it's ok to feel insecure...just tug on his shirt cutely and it should b okay

>>18153381
I feel like there is a lot of black and white going on in this thread. I don't think it's about cutting off every and all friends you have, but just people who make your SO uncomfortable for whatever reason. I'm feeling torn between, "That is abusive and controlling because you're letting your partner decide who you can and can't be friends with."
vs.
"while I love my friends, I love my partner more and I'm going to respect him/her comfort and not be jaded about it since I feel it's morally correct. " (in terms of not keeping people in your life you once had feelings for or were sexual with when you're trying to build a new relationship)

Again, this is different than telling your partner they can't have any friends at all.

Mine dumped me for her ex even though I trusted her and we dated for over 2 years. Don't let them be friends, theres too much baggage.

>current SO and their ex still talk on a daily basis
>things in current relationship start to decline or something happens related
>SO goes to ex upset and without a clear mind
You know where this goes from here.
Do not allow it. I don't like ultimatums but this is a situation where one needs to be set. You or her. If he chooses her it would have happened at some point regardless.
He could just tell you what you want to hear and text/talk behind your back.

>>18153403
>while I love my friends, I love my partner more
I don't. Who does? They're totally different states. You're conflating two things that are very different. It's like comparing apples and chairs.

You're not fucking married. You haven't been together for 20 years or some shit. It isn't a competition. I feel it's morally correct to tell my GF to go fuck herself, in the situation you're describing.

If I'm being totally candid, I have cut a person out of my life at the behest of my GF. My relationship with that person was wildly inappropriate. It was not what we're talking about here. It also fucking crushed me to do that, and I still have issues with it.

You're talking about a bunch of shit you only barely understand. Your boyfriend doesn't love you less because he still talks to someone who he used to date that's still important to him, get over yourself you fucking vamp.

>>18153403
well ppl get concerned because all that can be a slippery slope (whichever side you fall on)

listen to your instincts abt other women but don't torment yourself over stuff you can't possibly know for sure (e.g. will they fuck at any point between now and death). if you're really worried about them being alone together just talk it out w him...maybe he will find your fears silly but that's ok. maybe there is something he can do to reassure you for a few months. maybe you can all hang out together in the future when you feel more secure. you may find your fears dissipating once you get to know her yourself. (it's also a good move if you wanna be a lil territorial...if by some chance she really is a she-devil who wants to steal your man, it will look weak on your part if you never show your face and just rely on him to be a good boy)

>>18153403
Depends on the reason, if it's because the friend is clearly romantically interested in you, that's one thing, but if it's just because he doesn't like them, that's a red flag.

It's important to have boundaries in relationships, you shouldn't let your SO make unreasonable requests of you.

Not to mention it's nice to have some integrity, if your friends are good to you, you shouldn't betray them, it's the sign of a weak person.

>>18153403

The point that the one other guy and I are making is that the past is super far behind us, and that OP really should do some work to understand the kind of relationship her boyfriend has with this ex.

It's not out of line to express that you're uncomfortable with an ex when they had a breakup that left feelings on one side, that's pretty reasonable. However, it's not fair to assign the value of someone's importance and assume that they're just supposed to discard people and replace them with you.