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I think I'm going insane of pure remorse. Long story short:

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I think I'm going insane of pure remorse.

Long story short:
>be me, 17
>socially akward as fuck yet quite emotional
>the kind of nerd that enjoyed old Zelda games and would watch Ghibli studio movies every now and then
>know socially akward girl just like me
>spend a full year getting to know each other, one of the happiest years of my life
>start going out, best year of my life
>eventually introduce her to sex and all
>be 19
>start university, girl joins the same grade
>start developing interest towards other people (nothing sexual, I just wanted friends)
>girl doesn't approve, starts criticising me for behaving differently towards people
>year passes
>be 20
>pressure is at its peak
>she breaks up with me, I'm ok with this since nothing was enjoyable with her anymore
>calls me in summer
>she attemped suicide (but not really, she just wanted my attention)
>ignore her
>a month after that I call her
>we go back
>third year of university
>be 21
>pressure builds up again
>at this point I've been taking sleeping pills (zolpidem) since insomnia got worse and worse
>one night we have a huge argument
>we were at her mother's so I couldn't really speak myself but she kept on shouting at me
>we go to bed
This is when shit came down
>Pills kicking in, I start overthinking about how I can't do shit with my life since she critisizes me for literally every decision
>panic
>wrap my hands around her neck and apply a little pressure
>repeat "I'm gonna fucking kill you" several times
>senses come back
>sudden realization
>get scared
>she got scared too
>she left the room
>we never really talked about it but she mentioned it once every while
>pressure is just unbearable at this point
>we a re not even the same as when we began
>she finally leaves me for good this last summer
>I went to Finland for finishing my studies
>I can't fucking focus, remorse is killing me

How do I deal with this? I fucking tried to strangle her. I don't feel like a person anymore.
>>
Also I have been having recurrent dreams about her, from the times we weren't gross pieces of shit. It makes the insomnia worse, I'm afraid ot go to bed every night.
>>
>>18150443
>>18150457

woof that was interesting. id say give your self a pass. inside every man is a monster, we are animals and we are violent, and men in particular are programmed to be controlling, because in the wild having a woman who doesn't do what you say can lead to you and your entire families deaths.

the important thing here is that you were drugged, and you still managed to stop yourself and reign the monster in. you are stronger than your demons, you've already proven this, even with the deck stacked against you.

you also now know not to invest in people when things go to shit, or to at least be proactive about it, and if they cant reciprocate then you back out,

if I were you I'd just reach out and apologize. she might reject it, ignore it, or get angry, but you dont apologize to gain a specific reaction, otherwise you arent REALLY apologizing. you apologize because its the right thing to do, regardless of outcome
>>
>>18150465

Thank you for your reply, it really helps to let it out my chest.

However
>reach out and apologize
Sadly not an option anymore. I will ahve to see her next semester when I come back to my home country in order to finish my grade. Even trying to speak with her would end in either a public act or me getting deppressive again.

I thought about giving myself to the police, but I really don't want to do it since it'll probably ruin my life.

I also have considered suicide, but then again, I only have onle life and I'm only 22.
>>
>>18150489
Break up with her, she's toxic. Never bring up the choking incident again, nothing will come of it.
>>
>>18150523
Pretty much this, this can happen to anyone, this girl is bad for you, better try to forget it
>>
>>18150523
She broke up with me last summer, I think I mentioned it in the greentext
>>
>>18150527
>better try to forget it
any tips on how to forget?
>>
>>18150534
You're still in school? Go out and fuck someone new. And then do it again next weekend. Repeat until you meet someone or feel better.
>>
Stop taking ambien if you haven't. Read up on some of the horror stories.

>http://www.medpagetoday.com/meetingcoverage/apa/45637
>But in at least three cases, a person with no apparent motive and no history of violence brutally murdered a spouse or close friend in the wee hours after taking more than the recommended dose of zolpidem along with other psychotropic medications.
>>
>>18150549
I don't really see how this will help me to get rid of my remorse
>>18150564
I have but a blister left, I won't take anymore after that. I'm better off without that shit,
>>
>>18150443
You need to end the relationship you are in because you obviously have a lot of latent anger.

You grew as a person and she played unfairly to control the situation and get you back (by threatening to kill herself)

You will not be happy until you break up with her.
Your relationship will never be back to normal.
It's time to move on
>>
>>18150574
>>18150528

It was over since july
>>
>>18150569
Time is going to be how you get over the remorse. The sex is a distraction.
Thread posts: 14
Thread images: 1


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