Its gotten to the point where I am seeing a counsellor in order

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Its gotten to the point where I am seeing a counsellor in order to combat the urges. There truly is no meaning to life and the only real free choice you have is whether or not you kill yourself. Why must it be so debilitating to be a free thinker? I was at bar meetinf some friends i havent seen in months. I changed my wardrobe to reflect my mindset and all my friends did was ask if i was goth now. They werent laughing when I made out with the new girl. Leggy. Nursing student. I told her about the absurdity of life and how nothing and no one matters. She told me to prove it. Later that night on the side of the road i drove off as i threw her clothes out of the window. The mere concept of synthetic connection felt so fake and empty. Dejected and still languishing on the falseness of our reality i went home to make this thread.
Now i am deathly afraid of what i might do with these bars of Xanax. $uicideboy$ have been on repeat and Im starting to crave the Benzos fleeting embrace again, if only for a moment, until I fade into the ether.
Has philosophy made anyone else depressed?