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I have to let this out maybe it will help me.
A very deep part of me really wants me to hurt my self. It actively tries to find reasons for me to further push my self. From talking to people or just trying to do anything in general. It always there looking.
I'm trying my best to further push these thoughts and ideas out of my life. I'm going to celebrate recovery. Yes it's a Christin thing and a lot of the people there are not educated but their nice. I just have a fear that what I'm saying around them will scare the shit out of them.
I think were most of this comes from is how my parents raised me. For the most part my parents were not very active in my life and just sort of left me alone on a farm growing up. My brothers always told me horrible shit about me. and my parents always told me all their problems when I was growing up. I worry that it fucked me up but I cant tell if its just my thoughts messing with me. I forgive my parents for this I just want to heal my mind. Most days it feels like I could think tell my brain bleeds.
The good part is im trying to say something about this to someone. The advice I want is advice on what else I could do. how to move on and be in healthy relationships.
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One of the older brothers would always tell me that what ever I did was wrong. When ever I would get sick he would tell me all the time that I was faking it. When ever I needed something he would tell me I was selfish. To my younger self and being stuck in a house all the time with that it fucked me up. When we got older he tried helping me but then he was murdered. It was very traumatic.
Now I'm having trouble building relationships with people. I just want to live my life under a rock and it hurts. But I'm going to be dambed if that's what I'm going to do with my life just living each day like a ghost ship.
I'm sorry if I'm cluttering this board. I have a lot to let out and the idea that someone some where is hearing this really does help. I don't want to dump this on what friends I have or my stupid but loving family.
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>>18114848
lmao @ that pic
serious question though, you grew up on a farm right? Did you ever have a sexual encounter with an animal? I heard that its really common among men who grew up on farms, like a majority.
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The most saddest thing of all in this is that my little sister has this all worst. Growing up and stuck on the farm I would look out at her as she was just stuck in that stupid fucking place just like me. I just remember a day were I saw her spirit break. she just wondered around the yerd by herself with the saddest look on her face. My parents were to busy working to home school us. My oldest brother was the one that taught me to read and to write. My sister dident have any of that but some how she has learned those skills. After our brother was murdered my sister literally thought her self into having a seizure. I shit you not.
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>>18114906
lol is this an anime?
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I never tried to fuck any of the animals on the farm. But I did try to kill a few cats. My brothers beat the living shit out of me for it. I never hurt animals ever again after that. I'm really nice to animals now. Only people can be evil.
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>>18114917
>Only people can be evil.
wrong, people and cats
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