I'm sorry, You meant everything to me, but I fucked it all

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I'm sorry,
You meant everything to me, but I fucked it all up. I didn't hurt you, I didn't hurt your friends, I just hurt myself. But you were involved in all of this in the process, which I can't apologize enough for. If it could've any one else in the world, I wish it would've been. You are perfection to me, I was so afraid to lose you, and in the process I ironically did so. You probably don't even care about me anymore. I'm just a passing glance, or a background character walking by. But I didn't forget you. I didn't forget the feeling I got when I'd look at you smile and wave at me. Like I actually had hope. It was the happiest I ever felt. God, I wish I could forget that feeling. I love the feeling itself, but knowing that my present reality is far from that is what keeps me from enjoying the feeling. I honestly a truly miss our short-lived friendship. I miss it because it was short, but felt like years. Like I was actually on top for once. For so long I've been trying to forget you, but I can't

You're happy now. That's all that should matter, right? Your happiness is all I should care about, fuck how I feel. I genuinely wish it worked like that. But alas, here I am wallowing in my own sorrow over a simple mistake. I wish I could redo it all. That phrase is recycled to hell, but I mean it. I want it all to happen again. I've been trying to recreate that feeling with other people, trying to talk to girls who might create that happiness our small talk made. To this day, I've never felt that feeling again. It's history. I'm history. I can't keep fucking up like this, I'm wearing away with every one. No one's there for me anymore, and I can't stop feeling sadness whenever I see you. I honestly wish I didn't care as much a you did. I wish we just knew each other's names and that's about it. I wish I never had the confidence to think you'd talk to me.

If you're this far, thank you for reading because I'm sure as hell she wouldn't