how the hell do i deal with a distrustful partner? i get it,

Dump him.

Break up with him then.
Seriously, someone so paranoid is going to run your therapy bill up by the thousands...assuming you have anything left in there.

Seriously, he sounds like a clingy beta ass creep.

>>18088327
>>18088329
yeah... i'd rather work this out.

>>18088338
You can't. He's possessive, untrusting and insecure, nothing you do can change that. This isn't a you-problem, or even a you-and-him-problem, this is a him-problem.

>>18088338
>>18088347
Listen to him, OP.

>>18088338
I've been around those types of people far longer than you have. You literally can't. You must find a way to end this ride before your soul gets drained to nothing. It's taken me years to get back what little self-joy I have left after dealing with a possessor.

>>18088347
i know. i just don't want to give up so easily. is there no other way?
i probably should have a real talk about it with him, in which i don't let him get away with "i just love you more" (honestly, i was baffled by that crap. i was very done woth the convo at this point...).
what would i need to tell him to make him understand that this is driving me away? and that it's not "cute" and a "sign of how much he loves me"?

>>18088361
>is there no other way?
For you to do anything? Nope.

>i probably should have a real talk about it with him
You can talk about it until the cows come home, but it really isn't going to change how he thinks.

Like I said, it's not you, it's him.

>>18088361
Yes.
He'll only feel this way all the time until you just say fuck it and break it off, or you find a way to bow to his every secret whim.

I say break it off. These feelings are not for a relationship. He shouldn't submit to you like a beta, but he shouldn't possess you like a different form of beta.

>>18088355
i would agree, but we're actually married and have two kids... i can't just walk out on him.
yeah, i know. i should habe taken that into consideration way earlier.
but it has gotten a lot worse (for no reason... i didn't do anything to awake his suspicion) and at first i believed him that it's just his way of etablishing closenes. but as you said, it's draining.
plus, he was always very pushy with kids and marriage. there were a lot of point where i felt like he just wants to "lock me down", but i blatantly ignored it or let him convince me otherwise.

>>18088377
>but we're actually married and have two kids
Jesus Christ, there's no helping you then. This is legitimately domestic abuse because of how possessive he's being, and you're not willing to remove yourself from this situation.

I'm out.

>>18088377
>We're married and have 2 kids
FUCK.
Well, now you're kinda stuck with a para-schizo husband. I say find a way to sneak in some psych help or get counseling.

...or just get a divorce. I just can't help you from this point, I'm sorry.

>>18088369
do you think counceling could help? when there's someone that tells him he's overdoing it that isn't me? since he suspects that everytime i push against his controlling behaviour it is just a clear red flag that i'm obviously hiding something?

>>18088379
>>18088385
i obviously COULD get a divorce. but that would leave me a single mom of two and we all know how well that isually plays out for everybody involved...
i'd strongly prefer to find a solution that doesn't involve us going separate ways.

how do i atleast convince him that we need professional help? he sees no problem. in his eyes, it's just signs of his love for me...

>>18088324
If you have 2 kids together, why would you be away for weeks? Wouldn't you be helping tend the kiddos daily?

>>18088427
yeah... he's the one being away for job related reasons

Dump him. You may not want to now, but you will eventually leave him. The tone of your writing tells me it's inevitable. You're sick of his behavior, and it's never going to stop. He is who he is. No amount of talking will change that. I know you have an attachment to this child, and that you would prefer that he be the perfect man you want him to be, but the reality is that you're projecting your desires over reality. He is who he is. Either become okay with being stalked and controlled by an insecure manbaby, or dump his sorry ass.

>>18088445
what about the kids? wouldn't it be extremely selfish to leave?

>>18088432
I dunno, most relationships have one person that is more clingy. Maybe he's feeling ignored. A lot of couples when they have to be away use apps like face time to video chat and stay in touch at least a little bit. He probably just used to date a girl that cheated a lot and in the back of his mind he's worried it's something that will happen again.

My friends wife never leaves his side and it's Hella annoying. She's kind of like thus guy. Like he and I can never just hang out because she has to be with him 24/7.

>>18088453
That is the most psychotic and dysfunctional reason to stay married in existence. If your relationship is not working, you don't STAY IN IT AND PRETEND ITS WORKING FOR YOUR CHILDREN that's insane. If you do that, they grow up thinking that's what marriage is supposed to be like :)

Kids don't get fucked up from divorce, they get fucked up from seeing dysfunctional interactions between their parents every day.

>>18088454
He's choosing to be with his wife and not you then, just saying

>>18088480
Not really. We were both musicians growing up and played together a lot. She kind of pressured him out of playing music since she doesn't know how to play anything and complains when he plays because it's time not spent sharing or focusing in on her.

He effectively got controlled into never playing by slow shitty pressure from her. She doesn't have any real friends other than him because she doesn't maintain real friendships and just follows him around 24/7.

>>18088454
we can't vid chat due to time difference, but we text a lot (which also annoys me, since he gets paranoid if i don't immediately text back... as if i don't have a household, a toddler and a baby plus a job.)

he's away every week since a year now. i do believe that this is taking a huge toll on our relationship. especially since we aren't able to have real communication during the time he's away (overlaping schedules and other reasons).
i try my best to make him feel my love. but it also feels like it will never be enough.
it's only a matter of time, though. only 5 weks left till he will be home again, even during the week (but he will start working shift then... sight).
i don't like that i am not looking forward to gim being home every day. i fear he will suffocate me. but the hope is there that the closenes might sooth his distrust. argh... this is so unnecessary and annoying

>>18088470
i agree with you. but you can't throw away a marriage just because there is a conflict. i'd rather be one of those couples that works on issues and finds solutions.

>>18088504
What kind of job is that, like military or engineer?

>>18088516
military, yes

>>18088519
Maybe he can try harder to transfer closer. How old are the kiddos and how long is he posted wherever he is? Has he been in long? How long would he have to stay to retire? Is he an officer or a grunt?

>>18088523
he asked to be transferred but got denied.
one is 4, the other is 9 months.
it's only 5 weeks left till he's back.
for a bit over a year now.
i'm not sure if i'm translating military ranks correctly, but he's a sergeant. our military system differs a lot from the us, though :)

>>18088324
>"i just love you more"

spot on. stop wasting his time.

>>18088534
In th US people only have to serve 20 years to get full retirement benefits. I've know a lot that cut out after 8 or 10 though, too hard to raise a family. That's why I was asking, because if you're over half way there, then you are in the home stretch.

>>18088540
we have a very different system, but i really don't want to explain it in detail right now. relevant is, he will be back in 5 weeks and he was away during week days for a year.

>>18088539
there isn't such a thing as loving someone more. either you love them or you don't.
what he implies with that is that he thinks i don't love him. which is NOT true. but i'm really done with wanting to convince him i love him if he can't see it himself.
saying something like that is really rude. god damn, what does he want? i can't think of ANYTHING else i could do to make him believe me.

>>18088539

oh wow, I didn't realize this was bait.

men, please stop having sex with shit women like this. you will fuck up the lives of your children forever.

>>18088549
yeah, you don't love him. in other words, he loves you more. if you can't be inconvenienced with such a stupid easy task, you don't love him. and you don't love your offspring either.

the great news is that you can always start Today.

>>18088554
what easy task are you talking about?

>>18088324

Was he always like this? Sit him down calmly and talk to him, tell him exactly what you told us and how it makes you feel, and that if it goes on you're not sure if you will be able to cope. If that doesn't get through to him and make him back off then nothing will.

If you do this and he throws it in your face then by all means dump him. Although your delivery will be the most influential, it will be a hit to his ego to hear how possessive and clingy he is being so you will want to be gently but firm in your delivery, make sure he knows he's still loved and you DO want to be with him but his actions are slowly driving you away.

>>18088561

Either stop projecting your own insecurities onto your mate, or make peace with them.

>>18088573
i'm really mot following your logic eight now. can you elaborate? what insecurities are you talking about?

the little shits tell he should be dumped are enraging
fuckoff shitstains, you wont fuck this milf even if she leaves her husband

OP, why doesnt he trust you
any reason behind it, have you given him any reason not to in the past?

>>18088585

For starters you have no reason to accuse the father of your children of such bullshit.

>>18088594
i can't think of any reason...

>>18088608
and what have i accused him of?

>>18088633
>male friends
>cheating in the past
>cheating other partners
>he was cheated on by other partners
>caught you in a lie
>caught other ppl in lies
comeon, dont act stupid what did you do, what happened to him

>>18088639
i had one online male friend (that i've never met irl and knew long before him. i was always upfrot about it and he could read our conversations). he asked me to cut contact and i did.
as far as i know, he never got cheated on. he probably got lied on, but come on, almost everybody experiences this at some point...

i have never lied to him and surely never cheated on him in any way.

>>18088652
sounds like a nutjob
try to get him professional help, his issues wont get better by itself

>>18088652
I know you're trying to take >>18088554 >>18088608 >>18088639 seriously in case he has something useful for you, but you should recognize that this is a troll or a bitter manchild.

You need to get your husband into counseling, or whatever the fuck it takes, for him to realize that his behavior is controlling, distrustful, unloving, and will destroy your marriage. It's like he's slapping you in the face over and over again, telling you that he doesn't think you're worthy of trust, that he thinks you don't love him, and that he thinks you're stupid for trusting him to remain faithful when he's out of your sight.

What not trusting you means is that he doesn't believe that he knows who you are, that you have values, or even that you're committed to the marriage and the kids you share. Distrust doesn't mean he loves you more, it means doesn't love you as a person. His "love" is how someone loves a favorite possession that he's afraid that other people are going to try to steal.

He does not seem to understand that a person cannot be stolen like that.

He doesn't even seem to understand (or is unwilling to acknowledge) that what he's doing is a problem.

That has to change or you're going to just keep getting more and more miserable.

If his behavior doesn't change and you aren't willing to leave, what's probably going to happen is that you're going to mentally check out.

If you do threaten to leave, be aware that based on your description, this guy shows a lot of signs seen in people who act out in violence.

>>18088705
thanks a lot for taking me serious...
that sounds spot on.

do you think counceling is even worth it if he lacks the insight to even acknowledge there is a problem?

i know i can't change him. but i know people can mature. and as i see it, this is mainly a problem of him having immature views on love (sees me more as a possesion that can get stolen than a human with values and integrity...). i also know that it usually takes a fair amount of suffering before a person actually starts the maturing process. i don't want to hurt him or do stupid ultimatums. because they would just be threating the symptoms. he might stop acting possesive, but he isn't "cured", he would just pent it all up inside and be miserable. that's not a solution.
i want him to get to the point where he overthinks his assumptions about relationships, love, possibly females in general and humanity. he seems to have a poisonous fundament that has lead to this behaviour.

>>18088705
>this is a troll or a bitter manchild.

how you can spot someone with an agenda: their entire argument consists of character assassination and lacks any reason whatsoever

>>18088947
>implying that calling you a manchild/troll is considered character assassination

:^)

>>18088324
First, no way it gets to this point without you knowing his proclivity to possess.

Second, you know military wives cheat on their husbands wholesale and bet some of his friends discuss their horror stories of cleaned out houses and children fathered by lovers.

Third, I betcha there are groups or programs that deal with the long separations couples face when deployed. Try to get him into one of those or perhaps there are coping tactics that could help you.

>>18088762
I don't know if you're still here OP, but the point of counseling is that a neutral party that he doesn't have an emotionally charged relationship with would help him figure out his thinking and behavior.

For it to work, he has to take it seriously. The way you describe him, I don't know that he would be willing to do that.

It seems like you have never really been able to tell him how unhappy his behavior makes you. Whether that's because he just shuts down the conversation or because you haven't found the courage to do it, or both, you haven't made clear.

You might want to see a counselor of some sort yourself for help on how to talk to him. You can also try writing down what you want to say in a letter, but I think his reaction is probably going to be very defensive, and instead of talking about how his behavior makes you feel, he's likely going to end up talking about why your feelings are wrong.

You can try writing down what you want to say to him and hand him a letter.

It's as >>18088705 says. Your husband sounds very emotionally manipulative to boot - the 'miss you's and declarations of deep love are likely to keep you from seeing his abusive behavior for what it is.

The only way your relationship can be saved is if your husband goes into therapy and corrects his behavior but be advised that true change is rare and much as you may care for him, you shouldn't hold out hope that he'll beat the odds. Also, in this matter especially, the well-being of your children should be prioritized over either you or your husband's 'happiness' - your husband is an adult and ought to know how to act, but your children need protection and guidance. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't important and that the satisfaction of being in a relationship isn't something you shouldn't or don't deserve, but if you won't make a hard choice for yourself, consider how it'll affect your kids' development if you stay. It likely won't cause them to grow up to be abusers themselves but it may teach them that women who let themselves be treated poorly aren't worth their respect and at the very least, they'll grow up to be the kind of people who blame and troll abuse victims on the internet.

Of course, no one here knows as well as you the specifics of your situation. I recommend reading this: http://bookzz.org/s/?q=Why+does+he+do+that&yearFrom=&yearTo=&language=&extension=&t=0
and making the decision yourself. It's easy reading and will be a great help to you, I'm sure.

Lastly, I just want to reaffirm anon's earlier assessment that your husband sounds like the type to retaliate with violence. Be careful of what you say, especially to friends and his family members, and any plans you do end up making, be sure to be very careful with how you go about them.

The more fragile his ego, the greater the lengths he will go to to punish you for slighting it.

>>18088324
He is violating your boundaries and you should either establish them firmly and enforce consequences or end the relationship. If he is insecure, that is not your fault.

If you want to stay with him, then he needs to get outside help to deal with his insecurities. Did someone cheat on him in the past? He has to learn to trust you. It isn't normal to have access to your partner's private life the way he does (please raise this issue: does his snooping make him feel more or *less* secure?). You need to be vulnerable to have intimacy. Ask if he is open to therapy.

If you really like him then build his confidence up.