im always feeling tired, im always "tilted". every

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im always feeling tired, im always "tilted". every time my parents tell me something i always answer them badly, insult them under my breath, i hit myself or "stab" my hands with pens when i get frustrated over the smallest thing, i keep talking to myself things like "i hate myself", "i hate you", "im not worth it" or i keep saying i wish my parents were dead or whatever other fucked up shit

thing is lately its been going good for me. i had a very active social month, met lots of new friends, i got a scholarship to study abroad for 1 year in the country ive always dreamt off, last semester went pretty ok

but when im alone and come home from class or whatever i feel like shit. or in the last hours of class in the day i do the stab myself with pens shit when i get a question wrong. i feel humilliated all the time. when im home i can only think about what game to play (i dont even play because i cant think of what to play), watch porn and sext with a girl from around the world.

this was a retarded rant with no cohesion so sorry. i know im acting like some kind of edgy shitter trying to call for attention but its been going for a while. i used to go to a psychologist but i stopped because its too much money, and only thing he wanted me to do was an "emotions diary" or w/e, i dont think that helps me much