I met a guy two years ago. I am 22, he's 24. We got along

>>18069527
Sounds like too much effort DESU

Any adult relationship shouldn't feel like work. Don't get me wrong, you always have to work on your relationships, but if there is this much concern going into it, bail out before it begins.

Stay friends, and if/when everything calms down with him you will still have your opportunity.

>>18069535
He's improving, slowly but steadily.
He was abused as a child, his parents died when he was 16 and he ended up in such a huge amount of shit since.
He's doing pretty good right now, but obviously he won't become a proper and mentally stable adult in a year.

>>18069545
In a year? Is there a time limit (moving away etc...)? That will always have to factor into the decision.

As for his illness and the abuse in his past, these are all fair points. I'm sure some if not most of it is out of his control. That being said, just because it is justified does not mean you should put yourself second.

>>18069550
>In a year? Is there a time limit?
Somewhat. Nothing strict, honestly. We'll graduate from our masters next year. He said he'll stay in the town we live in if I want him to, since I'm the only person he's close to. We also talked about moving in together when his lease ends next year, but I don't know if it is a good idea.

I don't want to hurt myself willingly. Even if I don't blame him for anything and I appreciate what he made out of his life, I don't want to hurt myself.

>>18069579
>I don't want to hurt myself

There's your answer.

From the sound of it you know what is likely to happen already. Don't date the dude, just stay friends, it's not all or nothing!

Would it hurt you if you lost him as a friend? Because if you pursue a romantic relationship and it doesn't work it might break off things completely between you.

>>18069606
I'd be heartbroken. I think a huge reason why I haven't dated him is because I need to be reasonably sure it'd work out before doing so, because I don't want to lose him.

On the other hand, I know that being in this limbo where I am close friends with a person I have feelings for isn't exactly productive for my love life.
He can easily separate sex and love, and he has been having flings and casual sex over the last two years, even if he (admittedly) always had feelings for me. I cannot bring myself to go out with someone else. The few times I tried, I felt like I was cheating and I hated the way it made him feel.

Honestly, only you know him well enough to be sure this improvement is meaningful and he's ready to be serious with you.

>>18069622

I think you're playing a dangerous game and coming up with a lot of excuses for him. How are you so sure he loves you back? Why hasn't he done anything about it in the past 2 years.

>>18069641
>How are you so sure he loves you back?
He told me and he showed me.
He said he loves me. He always made clear that I am the only person he wants to date. We talked about it and agreed he might not be ready for a relationship, but he tried to get with me more than once.
He has been increasingly present in my life, and he has always stayed by my side when I needed him. He has been very supportive when my dad was sick, spent countless nights at the hospital with me to cheer me up. He told me things no one else knows. Took care of me when I was ill.
He's not a bad person, and he has been almost always decent to me.

I don't like how impulsive he is. I don't like how angry he gets over everything, and he cannot ask for help or tell me he's sorry ever. He's not very sweet or complimenting. He's depressed, and had suicidal thoughts in the past.
These are the things that hold me back. But he has never been abusive or horrible to me.

Tits or GTFO.

>>18069667
http://lmgtfy.com/?t=i&q=tits

>>18069527
>He's very stubborn, unwilling to ask for help or to communicate about his emotions.

Communication is the most important thing in a relationship IMO. If you date him you're gonna have a bad, bad time. I'm talking from experience here.

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>>18069779
>women don't want someone who talks about his emotions
>but women don't want someone who doesn't either

Is the only winning move to have won the genetic lottery in physical build, face and dick size so you wouldn't have to give a fuck?

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>>18069788
noice shitpost m8

>>18069662
Give yourself to him SEXUALLY!!!

>>18069779
In my opinion too, which is why I am so convinced things wouldn't work out.
He's the kind of guy who bottles everything up and explodes.

>>18069788
I mean - he's tall and fit, with a handsome face and a mildly big cock and I still care about his personality.
Women are never happy.

>>18069794
What would it solve?

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>>18069798
Wait, wait, wait. How do you know how big his penis is? You already tested the goods or what?

>>18069803
No, we never did anything sexual.
He got a boner a few times when we were together.

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You can go out with me instead. I have almost the same issues but on contrary to him I keep my emotions in check and always initiate to talk about problems.

I'm 21, the flesh is young and I have a lot of shekels.

>>18069811
I mean, if I wanted to date someone with issues I'd just date him, dude.

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>>18069816
Hehe, your loss. More shekels for me then.

I'm 100% sure he browses /pol/.

>>18069824
Yeah, he probably comes here.

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>>18069807
>What would it solve?

Solve? Just do it, what's the problem?

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Honestly though, when your semi-SO is bottling up his shit until he explodes then I would avoid a romantic relationship. Maybe all he needs is a loving and caring woman because his parents never gave him that, and that might be the last motivation he is needing to destroy his bad habits. It's really a tough call.

I've been abused, bullied and manipulated frequently when growing up. But I nevertheless had my tender nature, sure, it made me a little bitter and a whole more cynical but I could never harm someone, at least not intentional.

Before I can give you an advice, I need to know: Why was he mad about hypothetical partners you might have, even though he got his dick wet for the past two years?

>>18069849
I don't see why I should.

>>18069853
I think that having someone who loved him and cared about him made him more motivated to change, knowing he'd let me down if he stopped going to therapy or bettering himself kept him motivated. But, still, as you said - it's a tough call.

He's not an asshole, I never meant to paint him like that. He's a cold, overly sarcastic and mean sometimes, but he has been sweet to me, sometimes. Rarely. Maybe too rarely.

>Why was he mad about hypothetical partners you might have, even though he got his dick wet for the past two years?
I don't fuck around, if I go out with someone it is because I want a relationship. Obviously being in a relationship would mean ending whatever we have right now, because I don't really believe I could date and be serious with someone while he's in my life.
He never grew attached to the girls he fucked. He never really had a girlfriend before, just one night stands and friends with benefits kind of stuff.

>>18069875
I don't see why you shouldn't.

>>18069893
Because there is no way we could handle it gracefully.
I don't want to be his friend with benefits, it would allow me to develop feelings even more, and it would be harder to set boundaries.
I'd rather keep things as they are.

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>>18069906
So fuck someone else, who cares?? As long as someone's getting some of that sweet poonanny

>>18069875
>but he has been sweet to me, sometimes. Rarely. Maybe too rarely
>>18069906
>I'd rather keep things as they are

There you have it then. He sure is to labile for something serious, and his lack of affection is rather disheartening in the long run and could affect your mental health. Don't feel bad for him, that's the burden broken people have to carry around their lives, life isn't fair and as the Rolling Stones say: "You can't always get what you want"

Tough shit, but so is life. Keep the friendship. Maybe ask him how he estimates changes behavior in a relationship with you. Analyze his sincerety, and you will know what to do.

That's my advice for you.

>>18069923
A lot of things about him are just perfect for me - intellectually and physically, he's amazing. Even emotionally, in many ways, he'd be really good for me.
But, yeah, it's a lot of baggage to deal with and I don't think he's ready to have anything serious yet. I'll just wait.

I feel bad for him, but I also feel really attracted to him so I kinda feel bad for myself as well.
I've been thinking "why the fuck I am not with him?" pretty often.

>>18069960
As long as he complements your life and doesn't become the main focus, that's important to weigh out.

If you didn't ask him, then ask my advised question(s). If you did, what's keeping ya? One urge has to greater than the other.

However you decide, keep us up to date! I'd like to know how it works out.

>>18069960
He is buff?

>>18070010
He's athletic and lean, not huge or ripped. He's like 6'3" and 200 lbs.
We work out together every night he doesn't work, usually.

>>18069992
You're very right about the first part of your comment. We'd have a mildly unbalanced relationship if we dated right now.

I will ask him the next time the relationship topic comes up.
I am scared I'll fuck everything up if I go and date him. I am scared he will fuck me up if I let him become my partner.
I'm also scared of what could happen to him if we broke up. I have a safety network - friends, a family who loves me - while he doesn't, and I'm the only person he confides in which would create weird dynamics.

>>18070069
So, that's why you're ambivalent then. I don't mean to judge you but as I see then only reason you can't decide about this guy is because he's good looking, if he starts gaining weight this feeling will go away very fast and you'll move on with your life.

>>18070084
No, not really. Sure, he's hot. But that's not really all he brings to the table.
We get along. We share a lot of interests and hobbies. He's very intelligent and we have really interesting discussions. He has an amazing sense of humour, he's really witty and sarcastic. We have a similar lifestyle, and we want the same things out of life in the long term. He is very honest and he calls me out on my bullshit, and appreciates when I do the same. He is hardworking, and very creative, curious. He's really charming, too.

And it's not like good looking guys don't ask me out ever and he's my only chance I have to fuck someone who isn't hideous.

>>18070105
But he's still not good enough, something is lacking in his personality that makes you not want commit to him. I'm sorry but I can only think you either haven't got better options or you want to bed him and that makes you attached, in some way.

>>18069527
If he can't communicate then it isn't going to work.

>>18070120
I never thought he wasn't "good enough".
I am scared it wouldn't work out, and I don't want to get hurt or hurt him just because I want him. He matters more than that to me. I am struggling between what "feels" right and what I think is right. I love him and I like him a lot, but I don't know if it'd work out if we actually dated.
I haven't been interested in anyone else since we met, so I definitely don't have "better options" - I had dudes asking me out, but I could never go past a first date because it felt like I was cheating on him.

>>18070174
So you want to be with him, but in a 'safe' way where no one gets hurt? Man the fuck up anonette, this is real life.
There's no nice way to say this to you, decide what you want and do it, or look for something else. If I was that guy I'd feel like you're wasting my time.

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>>18070174
Oh for fuck's sake, then date him. Jesus Christ, I can't watch this indecisiveness any longer. It could be a mistake or not, how'll you know if you don't try it out? You're very young, with 22 years old you're good on doing mistakes (if it becomes one). He is a fucking adult, if he can't handle in any way possible breaking up with you, guess what, it's his fault for being so incompetent - traumatic childhood or not. That means he learned to stand on his own two legs at a young age, if he still isn't able to do so, then that's his problem. He's able to seduce women, isn't he? So he's somewhat sociable.

You're his (girl)friend not his mother, and he is way too old for one now. It corrupts you love life for two yers now. So stop being in a halt, give into your feelings and go through with it.

Basta!

If you do not date him that is going to deteoriate your friendship as well.

Also you already seem committed to him mentally anyway.

>>18070202
This is not a normal situation where you just get in a relationship without nothing to lose. He's not a stranger I just met at a party and I kinda like. I wouldn't give a shit if that was the case.

I am scared because if I lose him, I lose the most important person in my life. I am amazingly invested in him, I care about him more than I care about myself. If I go in a relationship with him just to find out he still isn't mentally stable enough to handle a relationship, I'll lose everything, fuck him over royally and make him lose his best friend and basically his family.

>>18070210
But isn't it selfish to just go with my feelings and forget about what is reasonable to do?
I am kind of his mom, to be frank, too.

Basta un cazzo, comunque (:

>>18070211
Yeah, I know in the long run we have to get out of this "we're basically dating but not actually dating" limbo and our friendship won't be the same anyway.

>>18070267
>I am
>if I lose him
>my life
>I am
>I care
>if I go
>I'll lose

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2009/01/can_narcissism_be_cured.html

>>18070286
... I am asking for advice, it obviously is about myself and my feelings.

>>18070267
>But isn't it selfish to just go with my feelings and forget about what is reasonable to do?
Yes, and it is good. Everyone is selfish. Altruism is cancer. This is reality and not a fairy tale. Think about you first, others second, only then you can provide good companionship.

>I am kind of his mom, to be frank, too.
If that's how you feel, then rest assured to never feel him inside you.

>Basta un cazzo, comunque (:
Why are you asking on advice in the first place then? I'm not Italian, neither speak Italian.

>>18070286
This guy gets it. You're so afraid of what could actually happen to you, and then condemn selfishness. Make up you mind, woman.

>>18069853
You're a cuck a faggot that's why. There's nothing about modern society to not be mad at.

>>18070300
You're right. Society is primitive like it always has been. And I hate it for the most part.

Otherwise, nice shitpost.

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>>18070292
>my feelings

Why can't you look at the situation from an objective perspective and think about whether you two should get together? Please don't make me go full /pol/ here.

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OP with mom complex, imagine you could have it like that, right now. He cucked you for two years, this can't go on.

From someone who sounds like he could relate to your friend, please don't cut contact with him like some people here are suggesting. If you truly don't feel ready for a relationship, then don't rush anything but sometimes all we need is a friend to confide in. I lost my dad at 16 (ran out, not dead), my mom was a bad alcoholic for many years of my youth, and my step dad was an abusive asshole. I never learned how to properly socialize or find romantic relationships. None of my "friends" know about any of this, because I don't trust anyone and I don't like talking about my feelings. It eats you up inside. The fact that he's improving is proof that you have an affect on him. Just let things happen as they come, but know he most likely admires you a lot, and if you ditched him and started fucking some other guy, he'd probably be crushed inside.

>>18070309
Because it is hard to look at a situation objectively when you are heavily involved and emotionally invested in it, I guess?

>>18070295
I don't want to be selfish, especially with him.
I obviously don't feel like I am his mother literally, but I am definitely the one who takes care of him most of the time both in practical and emotional stuff.

You should learn Italian, pretty cool and easy to learn.

>>18070354
It is hard but it's an ability that will help you being a more assertive and less egocentric person.

>>18070354
>I don't want to be selfish, especially with him.
Just be - I think the longer you restrain yourself the more docile you become.
>I obviously don't feel like I am his mother literally, but I am definitely the one who takes care of him most of the time both in practical and emotional stuff.
No shit, I would never figure.

>You should learn Italian, pretty cool and easy to learn.
Will be my top priority when I move out of my dysfunctional familiy's home. Can you learn German and Russian in the meantime? Might take a while for me.
I had a little Spanish, but it's only good for surviving or flirting with women :^]

Tengo muy grande cojones.

>>18070350
Thanks for your post, it was very nice to read.
Try to talk to some of your friends, even if you don't enjoy it and it's scary it might make you feel a bit better.
Good luck anon, and thank you again.

>>18070367
I should try, then.

>>18070381
I am actually trying to learn German (but it's not my thing, I just sound angry and dumb), and can totally reject people with muy grande cojones in Spanish. So that's something, I guess. :^)

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>>18070423
>I am actually trying to learn German (but it's not my thing, I just sound angry and dumb)
That's the stereotype for us, unfortunately.
>and can totally reject people with muy grande cojones in Spanish
Of course you can, it's similar to Italian and Portuguese.

Maybe he just needs a muse. I mean bettering yourself just to be better is great and all, but I feel like if its for a woman I would try much harder. I say date him.

>>18069527
I don't understand why being an introvert is some kind of negative.

>>18069535
All relationships are work you retard. The fact that you happen to enjoy your work doesn't make it not work.

>>18070527
He used to be really reclusive and asocial.
I don't mind introversion, I actually prefer introverts over extroverts, but it was hard to deal with him at the beginning because he was introverted to an unhealthy extent.

>>18069527
Do you live in El Paso?

If you want to be rational.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8micvx79Vw

This explains why the relationship isn't perspective. Of course you have issues when you are years ahead in maturity. He'll round up but your best years are right now and he still has a decade before he hits his peak.