I took my LTR bf out for dinner yesterday for his bday. He

>>18066745
cont.

Bf doesn't say thank you. I was still jokey saying, "Hey this was a 150 dollar meal, you better thank me!" Then bf turned and lashed at me, "Now think about all the times I have taken you out, add all that up." in probably the meanest tone I've heard from him in a while.

We get home, silence. He tries to make me give him affection by nudging me. I just turn around and lay in bed. He looks on videos on his phone for a while, then leaves.

I make less money than him. I got a bonus check this month and was so happy to get to spend it on his bday. I made the reservations weeks ago. I bought the stupid dress to wear. I also bought him 200 dollars worth of gifts that I am giving him on his actual birthday date.

And completely out of character for him, he acts like a complete asshole the entire day. Tears started welling up in my eyes as he left. He asked me what was wrong and I said nothing. I know saying nothing when something is bothering you is stupid and I never do that. But how could he not notice he was a complete shithead the entire day??

What do I do about this, /adv/?

>>18066747
>What do I do about this

Don't let him watch those videos, they tell him evil things about you.

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>>18066745
OP this is going to sound cringey as fuck but virtual hugs
I am sorry you are feeling the way you are feeling right now, you feel the shittiest when the people who matter the most dont seem to gaf

You need to talk to him, be straight up.
Maybe something happened. Maybe something you are unaware of is wrong.

Basically you need to say
>BF what was wrong yesterday? You didnt seem right.

Dont go into it thinking about what *he* did, dont go start the conversation off with his actions. You want to find the reason behind why he was an asshole. Then if theres something legitimately causing this you can work it out.

I really wish you good luck OP, I hope everything turns out to be fine in the end. If it isnt then we're all here for you and we all care.

sounds like he's been building up resentment against you

which means you've been doing things that make him mad/angers him, but up to this point, he's kept silent about because he loves you

But there's only so much you can take

Speaking from the guys perspective, he makes more, so he feels pressure to spend more, but he doesn't want to keep spending money on someone who is incredibly selfish (except for when she splurges on him during his bday/the holidays), someone who is incredibly helpless or manipulates others into doing shit for her that she should be doing, I could go on for a long time (projecting).

Beyond the sex, which he's probably gotten bored of by this point, what do you and him have in common?

I do the same exact thing when I'm angry - I don't say anything, because I know I'll just be lashing out if I do. The fact that he stayed silent at least meant he was still trying to repress it, so as not to take it all out on you then and there. Which means he still cares about you.

>>18066805
This anon has kind of made it out to be your fault, but OP if he has been building resentment its his fault for building it up rather than be straight forward

If its this then both of you did something wrong, not just you

>I do the same exact thing when I'm angry - I don't say anything, because I know I'll just be lashing out if I do. The fact that he stayed silent at least meant he was still trying to repress it, so as not to take it all out on you then and there. Which means he still cares about you.

Focus on the above, because in a highly emotional state like you probably are, and feeling scared/worried/unwanted/etc like you probably are...Its very easy to focus on the negative or even bury your head in the sand by saying it is all your fault and you will do better. This is avoidance.

>>18066805
He's been so affectionate everyday for several weeks before yesterday and I was returning the affection. So I was so stoked that yesterdays dinner was gonna be so nice.

He did super nice things for me on valentines day, we went out on Saturday with friends and had a really nice time. He has been posting sweet things about me on social media. Which he only does on rare occasion.

So, I am just really confused by the sudden switch from hot to cold.

>>18066783
I will try that. Thanks for the virtual hugs. Next time we're hanging out is on his birthday date... which I had bought tickets to a band we both love and are going to the concert and dinner. Is that a good time to talk about this? I am worried it will be another downer.

>>18066747
He has a point.
Did you thank him each time he took you out?

>>18066823
No, dont talk about something like this on his b-day.

You gotta make time to talk to him about it like now, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow at most.

Before his birthday - if you guys work it out or start working it out then that day can be very good for you two.

>>18066823
Maybe hes worried he loves you more than you love him? Im just postulating, and you wont know whats wrong until you talk, but if you feel that youre more invested in the relationship than the other person and this "realization" hits it can be very worrying and frightening, it would make you feel defensive and shitty, and result in that switch from hot to cold.
Maybe it was a much more severe version of
"Im always the one texting first, so I wont text and Ill see if they text me first this time instead."

>having sex before a date

no wonder he was bored

>>18066852
I always do. We split when I have the money. But I'm currently stressed out financially because I lost hours at my job and am trying to make car payments and rent. He knows this..

Which is why I thought he'd be happy that I used my bonus to pay for these things on his birthday.. To kind of make up for the fact that I want to spend money on us, but I can't..

>>18066854
>Maybe hes worried he loves you more than you love him?
If anything, it may be the other way around. Sometimes I wonder if he backs off for a while because he doesn't want me to be all over him. We've been together a long time and that creeping talk of marriage and such is always brought up by friends. I personally have no time limit on those things, plus I want to finish uni before anything like marriage, and I tell him that. I think it's more of a societal/family pressure to him that he often takes out on me. But thats just my assumption..

>>18066867
We usually do it before and after. We usually have sex multiple times a day, so it was normal. I really wasn't in the mood again after he had been silent the entire day.

>>18066870
Well I think whats wrong is likely fixable, if that eases your worries any

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>>18066745
>We had some really good sex before we started to get ready.

You messed up there, I'm calling it. You probably neglected to blow him, didn't take his cum properly or otherwise made him feel undisered or like it was "duty sex".

Sounds like an incredibly unstable relationship from what you typed, especially if you dated for so long.
Me and my partner are grateful for everything we do for each other, and a fucking 150 dollar meal is worth a medal in my book.

Different couples different issues I guess, either you made him mad in some way or he had unreasonable anger and pushed it towards you. I'd be gone with that attitude though.

Maybe he only had a bad day. Birthdays are offen stressful.

>>18066810
>be straightforward
>implying anyone wants to be told about their unattractive qualities
Girls want to be told they're great/pretty, at least if they're insecure

>>18066932
No, it was really good sex. My blow jobs during foreplay are typically his favorite part. There was really nothing wrong with it.

He gets tired for a period after and usually just rests while looking on his phone after we cuddle. But after that he just barely talked to me.

Typically, we have sex multiple times a day. We rest after, then start talking and just being affectionate, flirty, etc. throughout the day, have sex again, repeat.


>>18066968
I mean, he has bad days and always tells me whats bugging him. Usually has nothing to do with me. So this just has me dumbfounded. Yesterday did make things feel unstable, but like this was really a one-time scenario, but a big one at that. Just a whole demeanor change that lasted an entire day. I don't understand it at all.


>>18067002
I am trying to think that. But he tells me when he has a bad day. I've celebrated multiple bdays with him, and he's never acted like this around his bday.

>>18067031
>responding seriously to a post that accused you of "not taking his cum properly"

from this alone i know you're young, naive, and he's taking advantage of you

dump him he sounds like a cunt

>>18067030
Yea, but in a relationship honesty is way more important and healthy than being dishonest to avoid a little bit of hurt

>>18067031
Seriously /adv/ can do nothing for you, you need to ask him about it

>>18066867
Better to fuck first than when you come home with a gut full of food then wonder wtf why did the sex suck???

>>18067042
I honestly just skimmed that post and got "you messed up" and "duty sex" from it. And since some one else commented about the sex i just responded.

>>18066745
My opinion. He is either cheating or has lost interest. When people lash out for no reason and refuse to talk it's because they fell guilty about something. It's a defense mechanism.

Try talking to him again about it, seriously. If he refuses to open up leave him. You probably love him and breaking up is the last thing you want but if you're not getting love from him it's not worth your time. Same if the roles were reversed.

>>18066745
Ask him what's wrong. You two have been together long enough that if something is off, you should be able to talk to him.

How is he like today? Is his mood the same or has it gotten better?

>>18067030
The entire point of communicating throughout the relationship is that you can point out that something is unpleasant to you BEFORE it has become a big deal because you are talking about behavior that has continued for a long time.
If you wait with telling your partner something until you are so angry you can only choose between biting your tongue and being passive aggressive or being resentful and insulting, that's not on your partner.

Basically, your girlfriend can't read your mind. And if you truly date girls who are too mentally unstable to hear any form of mature, calm and constructive criticism that's a whole other issue.

>>18067071
you make it sound like what's wrong is fixable in the first place
what if the thing that's wrong is an inherent part of her character? you can't just say "This is bothering me, is there something we can do to change it?"
if it's all derived from upbringing, it's too late

The first year of a relationship, you're able to tolerate things a lot better
It's easier to think "I can handle this"
Then you can't, just another learning experience about finding what you like in life

Money has probably been bothering him a lot more and for longer than just that night.

>>18067081
I feel that that's implied by the premise that this is a couple in a functioning, on-going relationship.

But yeah, you absolutely CAN say that to someone. Maybe not instantly focus on the character trait itself, people find it difficult to change. But you can make it smaller. Instead of saying "you're always being selfish" you can say "I don't feel like we're a team when I'm out with you" and give concrete examples. You can give each other time to cool off during a fight and bring up what you don't understand or find difficult to work with when you're both calm and happy with each other. If it's not a dealbreaker, many of the things that people disagree on or that annoy them are simply a matter of coping with something (an emotion or goal or whatever) in a different way. And if you tell her "I know you are yelling at me when we're under pressure to leave because you're feeling stressed, but it only makes me more stressed and frustrated" and she tells you "that's perfectly understandable when I hear you say that now, but in the heat of the moment I lose control of myself and then I get extra snappy because I feel bad for being like that with you" it might not instantly -solve- anything but it can help you to refine your empathy for each other. Even just hearing your partner acknowledge some of their flaws can go a LONG way.

>if it's all derived from upbringing, it's too late
This is also not true. People change a lot throughout life, in fact so much that if you stick to Big Five type personality tests, people have no such thing as a consistent personality tying it all together. And in adolescence people still change more compared to later ages. In fact relationships and friendships are a huge part of being stimulated to grow and getting a reality check from people who love you and don't suffer from the perception bias everyone in your childhood home has.

>>18067045

eh not really. once you blow your load most of your immediate desire is gone so you're really just out there eating an overly expensive meal instead of being on a date at that point.

>>18067101
We don't have nearly enough insight to say whether it's functioning as well as OP implies, especially considering the reality of >>18067088

Money is a huge factor that's destroyed plenty of relationships, and it usually doesn't change quickly

I agree that people can change in life, but more often than not it's a subtle change and not a drastic one. I know picky eating adults - they eat more things than when they were kids/teenagers, but still not nearly as well as a normal functioning adult would, for example. Those that lack the ability to eat things they dislike - I dislike certain foods for example, but if I'm at a relatives house, I'll force myself to eat if it's just to make them happy. I don't like it, but I'll do it because I know sometimes it's necessary to not offend.

I guess my view of adulthood was doing things you don't like (working a boring job for money, laundry/cleaning, cooking, exercise, etc.) because you realize the importance of doing those things.
If you can't cook, you can't keep yourself clean, can't keep in shape et al., you're fundamentally not acting like an adult in my mind. What will make this person grow up if they've been like this their whole lives?

Not saying any of this is related to OP's problem, I'm saying in some situations telling someone about their insecurities, when you already know they're very sensitive/aware of their insecurities, is a bad idea. Because you know they're not going to change in the short term.

>ywn have a gf do nice things for you like OP

>>18067127
If you don't see a future for your relationship, you break it off. If you want to make it work, you try to make it work. I don't see how a half assed stance where you want to remain together but don't want to try working on stuff because you are convinced it will be pointless, is going to do anyone any favors.

>Money is a huge factor
This is true but typically it has to do with the stress that comes with having too little of it. At least, I can absolutely see OP's boyfriend perhaps potentially feeling resentment, but that's a rather practical issue that is easier to solve than trying to soften someone's personality trait or coping mechanism. If he felt he spent too much on the relationship - who says that OP finds it important to eat out at fancy places all the time? And if she does, he can confront her with whether it seems fair for him to spend his money on something that he doesn't think is worth it, only she does.
Or maybe it's not just the money but a combination of feeling like she doesn't pull her financial weight AND she doesn't pull her weight in another area as well - and most of all, even if none of this applies he will only know whether there's room to compromise and make the situation less dire for him once he brings it up.

Well, what you describe is rather extreme and most people (especially once they get out of their teen years, and potentially early twenties) would consider it a dealbreaker right off the bat if someone can't look after themselves. Especially stuff like hygiene and having a proper diet is for many people tied in with human dignity and intensely unattractive if someone doesn't know how to deal with it. Then you don't date them, or you break it off if something changes like they get fat and you can see that you're not getting anywhere.

But as long as you are trying to live with it, communicating with your partner and working together is one of the biggest if not the most important tool you have for overcoming differences.

>>18067137
To be fair, I have never done anything to deserve that.

>>18067149
Yeah some people wouldn't be able to handle it but what is the alternative? Facing that you're in a dead-end relationship, just waiting like a ticking bomb to blow up on her anyway because you can't take her shortcomings anymore?

I'd say again, if it's that bad it's better to break up than to sit around not being happy with the dynamic and not doing anything about it either.

Do you think OP would've preferred if he told her a while back that he felt she was thinking too casually of his expenses for their relationship (assuming for the point that this is the core issue), even if she did take it terribly and felt hurt or insulted or whatever, or what it ended up being now, that he made her cry right after she went all out trying to show him she cared and show him a good time?

>>18067149
>want to remain together but don't want to try working on stuff
in my case personally, it's not because I don't want to try working on stuff, it's that she can't

>who says that OP finds it important to eat out at fancy places all the time?
In my personal case, my gf loves to eat out, because she doesn't cook. Even if I ask her to eat in more often, it'll just be hurting her, because she's shown no effort towards learning how to cook. And she's picky, so what she would make would be just as unhealthy as at the restaurant.
Doesn't help that culture still dictates guy should buy dinner, the pressure there will take a long time to go away.

There's definitely truth to what you say in terms of "well, it should've been a dealbreaker from the beginning" - it's 100% the truth

The problem was she hid things until later, and then I assumed she would change

Can't blame for people wanting others to see the best side of them, but it's crap in the long run, because it'll all come out eventually

I also have no idea how often OP likes eating out, but seriously if he keeps offering to pay, just start cooking at home more for the love of dog he's sending you an S.O.S.

>>18067182
I hear you, that's a crappy situation, but obviously this is dealbreaker territory, you don't want to wind up with a woman who doesn't know how to properly feed your kids, or even just throw money into that void of eating out all the time for ten+ years.

If she is extremely thin skinned then nothing will stop her from feeling wronged and insulted. But I do think that (for example) pointing out to her that she probably doesn't envision herself still eating out all the time with a family (hoping she wants kids because that makes it the most clear), and stress that you completely understand why she doesn't like cooking, or hasn't gotten around to learning how to (stuff like "I understand, my parents were never able to pass any of this stuff on to me either, it's like having to invent the wheel all by yourself not just with cooking but in a bunch of areas", you can acknowledge that you see her efforts - even if in entirely other areas of life - or make sure it doesn't become patronizing by stressing how much you dislike cooking yourself), present it as a practical challenge for you as a couple that you will have to work around somehow. Don't make it into a straightforward accusation.

Then if you get her to acknowledge that no, she can't cook and she needs to start from scratch, then you can make an offer. Okay so now that we're on the same page, will you help me with dinner twice a week so we have some quality time and I can show you a few basics. Or: let's go on a cooking course together, whatever cuisine you prefer. Look up youtube videos together starting out with five-ten minutes recipes so there's relatively instant reward.

You get the idea. Sometimes your partner gives you literally nothing to work with, but a lot of the time there's so much to gain just by knowing how to approach a topic with your loved one.

>>18067198
This. My relationship has had rocky points but why I'm still in it is because we always come back to communication. Its because of having all these shitty difficult talks about our issues that we were able to learn about each others feelings and coping mechanisms and stuff. So there is much more empathy and we can do and say things in a way that will be effective for each other's personality. You have to really think of it like being on a team. There's none of this "it's your problem not mine" mentality. If you have an idea or solution you should go about it together and be supportive. It shouldn't be "You need to learn how to cook" but "I really would like it if we didn't eat out so much. won't you try cooking with me more often?"

It's one thing to complain but if you really want to get the result you want,usually just bitching and making the other person feel shitty won't get you anywhere

>>18067198
>will you help me with dinner twice a week
I appreciate your advice, it's good and would work in any situation other than the extreme, which I think I'm in

She doesn't like 99% of the food I like, is the easiest way to put it
So we'd just be cooking things for her, forever, which doesn't sound equal/fair to me.

Having a lot in common with the person you like is advice I already knew from the beginning, but I botched it.

Also where the heck is the OP?

>>18067206
That sucks man but honestly, how could she possibly have hidden this from you?

>>18067219
she told me she would love to learn how to cook, and I went along with it
also didn't know she was so against trying new foods (I think she has an eating disorder, but don't think she'd take that nicely)

not to mention she's really manipulative in terms of what restaurants to eat out at - if we're in a group, we always end up eating where she wants to go, because she won't eat at any asian/indian/mediterranean/authentic mexican/polish i.e. "ethnic" places - I thought she'd eventually compromise, but nope

seems like it's easier to just find a girl who doesn't have to be "trained" to be an adult, just find one that's already one

>>18067233
Nah in this case I completely agree. But the thing is this is a big issue that gets in the way of everyday life. It influences your social life (how can you take her to Christmas dinner at your parents if she won't eat what they make?), your finances and just your daily life in general.

Most people don't come with stuff that obnoxious, but if you are together with someone long enough you WILL run into severe annoyances because you endure the same tic or behavior over and over again, and virtually all people have at least one significant shortcoming. I'm not saying you shouldn't dump someone who is this much of a pain in the ass over something as fundamental as food, I'm saying that you will never find a partner who will come without imperfections or even just incompatibilities so it is vital for any LTR at all to learn to speak your mind and make these things something you can discuss and manage together.

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>>18066805
While this may be what's happening it's complete fucking bullshit. There doesn't need to be two women in the relationship. If something bothers you say it.

I've always been like this and it's only improved relationships. I hate that bullshit:
>What's wrong?
>Nothing

No, fuck that. I'll tell you what's wrong and why it's wrong.

>>18067030
Also fuck this. If I look like ass and don't catch then fucking let me know. My girlfriend is the same way.
>babe do you like this outfit
>ha, no
>Yeah I didn't either. Thanks!

You're not saying that they look bad themselves. It's no different than going "hey you got food on your face."

>>18067241
the food thing is just a part, there are other major issues too, but yeah I know there will always be tics of mine that make other people mad - problem is, I don't know if they're severe or if they make her more upset than hers do to me.
I'd try to change anything that I could that bothered someone else, and wasn't a fundamental part of who I am. Compromise should be expected - it's the people that care about every little thing and don't compromise that ruin everything.

Through this whole thread, also assumed that OP had asked her bf what he wanted for his bday, and she actually delivered on it.

dang, that would be awesome if i got that treatment. my last birthday i had to take my gf to the hospital. it definitely beat going home tho!

OP, good luck. it sounds like he doesn't like you anymore and isn't strong enough to be upfront

>>18067343
tfw no gf
fuk u all ree

>>18066745
I get moody like this if the sex wasn't actually good. Are you sure it was good