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>diagnosed with BDD in early teens
>frequent self harm/suicide attempts over it or to try to 'change' myself
>now late twenties
>only have superficial friendships, even if they think we're very close
>randomly disappear and cut these people off because I can't stand the thought of the image they have of me
>even have changed my name multiple times
>do the same thing with jobs
>been jobless for months
>when I do work i get weird delusions of what peers or customers think of me
>small comments they make about my appearance i end up obsessing over/self harming even if theyre positive
>do drugs, risky things to try to 'fix' myself, extremely self destructive
>started hooking to afford rent
>steal everything else
>get paranoid delusions about that too
>cant bring myself to talk to or find 'customers' for hooking
>cant get anything beyond wageslave jobs because of this complex
>need to pay rent
>killing myself seems like the best option
I just don't know what to do... I can't stand the thought of being around people... I end up delusional and hurting myself and I only recognize this in retrospect and never at the time of
I don't really want to die, but it seems easier than making rent money. How do people get up every day and do this? I just want to be alone
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Do what you want its only life, everything u do wont change anything in the greater universe
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counseling
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>>18054645
after that, more counseling (not saying this as an insult. counseling works
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>>18054631
get on mood stabilizers and stay on them.
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>>18054631
sorry to hear this, I have this disorder and get thoughts of self harm a lot (31 m)
I quit all substances a year and a half ago, I think its really helped clear my head. It wasn't easy and I had to cut a lot of people out of my life. The ones who really care about me (maybe 4 total) remain and don't pressure me into old habits.
I have trust issues too and I really need to make an effort to realize when I'm becoming delusional in order to attempt stopping the train of thought
every day is a battle when your own mind seems up against your best interests...but these destructive behaviors and thoughts, they don't define YOU
the world is a strange place, and we are strangers in it. Its easy to feel unwelcome with so much animosity and bad vibes floating around. Its hard to reason oneself into wanting to keep going on.
I was a wageslave for 12 years and lost my job due wholly to my mental disorder. Getting a new job was not easy by any means. None of this is easy, especially when you are alone.
Being alone makes things more difficult...but its a catch-22 when you are surrounded by people who are bad for you. YOU are not bad. Our mistakes and the circumstances we become prisoner to do not define us, unless we delude ourselves into thinking they do.
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