hello all. i wrote a suicide note. here it is. i am not going

>>18042229
I feel ok. do you feel ok?

>>18042231
not really. i just feel alone. i fucked up at work today like i do every day. i hate having a job and i hate letting my coworkers down

>>18042233
Your attitude is key bud, if you don't feel at peace with yourself seek help. A lot of people hurt inside everyday, you're not alone.

>>18042233
I know how that goes -- I'm not saying I know EXACTLY how you feel, but I very much have a perfectionist streak and fucking up and looking like an idiot at work really fucking gets to me.

but you do realize that everybody hates their job, and everybody fucks up at work, right? I mean, not everybody, but shitty jobs provide the motivation to save up money, go back to school, or do whatever you have to do to bump yourself into the 15-20% of people who don't hate the shit out of what they have to do on a daily basis.

hopefully it goes without saying but maybe it doesn't, that better paying jobs that require more education are NOT NECESSARILY better in that respect - though they can be.

>>18042248
yea i know. im a student. and basically i either work or have school every day of the week. and it just bothers me. i miss being homeless and squatting in this one empty duplex. i just miss my freedom. but i know i just have to get better. i appreciate you responding to me

>>18042260
You're welcome. Wish there was something I could say beyond "it gets better," because I know you're not an idiot, it's not like that's never occurred to you, but I mean - it really does get better.

if you keep thinking about suicide, you do need to see somebody, though. as a student you can almost certainly get free or at least very affordable mental health services through your school, although that's dependent on where you live.

You do in fact want to be around for when things get better.

>>18042278
it comes and goes. i sometimes get hit with depression like a bus and it'll day for days. or other times it'll stay for months. this is only the second time i have felt actually suicidal this way. the last time was about two years ago. i just hit some really low points thats all. it just seems so satisfying when i want to do it. but i already feel better now. thanks again. i hope your life is goig well

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I think you know that you aren't entitled to their attention. They aren't dicks for not paying as much attention to you as you'd like, it's up to you to create value for yourself and make them want to hang out with you. I was suicidal before too, it's awful, but then I grew a pair of balls and toughened up and now I'm as happy as can be.

It's great that you aren't going to do it. Don't. Writing is a great way to exert your negative energy by the way and I actually liked some of your writing. If you did some creative writing about anything you heart compels you to write I would want to read it. You had some nice prose at the end if that's the right way to put it.

Hopefully you sort things out. Just understand that everyone goes through tough shit and it's by becoming stronger and facing our fears head on that we become confident and truly happy.

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>>18042286
here's a lil poem i wrote a while back. i don't write for anything specifically, its usually just when i feel depressed i want to put it out so i can look at it and analyze myself lol. and yea youre right about the friends but i just feel like i put so much effort into our friendships like meeting in their town or going where they want to go but they don't show the same willingness

>>18042286
Prose was probably the wrong word, but your note made me feel. It made me feel like you were so wrong and entitled, but made me question if you maybe had a right to these feelings after all you've been through which by the way I'd love to hear. If you can, tell us about all your struggles in as much detail as you want, let it all out. I love hearing origin stories and you might like getting some empathy from us as well as your problems written down. That's what I do when I'm upset and 4chan makes me feel better.

>>18042294
Nice poem. I like what I'm reading. Could use some work obviously, but it's so heartfelt and I can relate. I can understand how you feel about putting effort into friendships. I've tried so hard to build friendships only to have the "friend" break it down. I've learned that going out of your way to make a friendship work does not work in the place. You have to look out for what you want to do and if you have common interests with someone they will value what you say and value what you think of what they have to say. Friendships must be organic and some people you're better without. I realized that I do not get along with sensitive people no matter how similar we are and I've simply grown to accept it. I'm a lot happier now.

>>18042302
ok. both of my parents have had their lives ruined by alcoholism. theyre both alcoholics and the craving i mentioned is that every day i have the urge to drink. even though the most ive ever drank (?) is like 2days in one week and each day like 1 beer. im just afraid of the capablity i have to become like them.

i dont smoke weed anymore because it makes my anxiety spike. the peachy life veil i mentioned is about how i always used to feel creative and happy when i was high and now that is just gone. i feel like now every tiime i try to be creative and write (im in a band) i'm just squeezing an already squeezed orange.

i love sex and i have these people that i COULD have sex with but i avoid them because if i cheated on my girlfriend i would never forgive myself. but every day i think about sending a text specifically to these 3 girls who i have already fucked and would be soo down again. and they know how to do it right. my girlfriend was a virgin when we got togehter and i never pressured her. after a year we had sex and i had no problem waiting because i love her. i just have these urges to have crazy kinky sex with these other girls who know how to do it.

I am a long time vegetarian but i also feel like a hypocrite for not being full on vegan.

my best friend doesn't even respond to me sometimes and it hurts my feelings so much because i am so sensitive. and its not like i love texting, i just hit him up to hang out. and he only responds when he needs me. and i mean ONLY. and it gets old. i feel used. i love him so much our friendship has lasted 6+ years but lately he's been lost to cocaine and alcohol

anyway i have to wrap this up. my girlfriend is at my door. i will read your response later if you respond. thank you for reading.

>>18042325
Therapy. I'm serious.

>>18042325
Jesus Christ, your situation with your friend is sad. Poor guy, you must feel so unloved. I don't know if this will work for you because I think I got this attitude from my parents, but I am always thankful for everything I have and almost always have a positive outlook on life. You have a girlfriend, friends, you're in a band and you've written more creative writing than many people. That's a lot to be happy about.

Having a shitty upbringing really fucks many people up, but the strong will learn to overcome. What you need to do is take back control of your life and do what your parents didn't. Cut all these shitty drugs or of your life. It's a good thing you got rid of weed, but alcohol should be minimized as much as possible, it's a depressant. Get rid of alcohol completely if possible.

The biggest problem is how sensitive you are. I used to be sensitive and defensive too and then I just stopped giving a fuck about what other people say, now I only care about what I think of myself and self-respect is very important to me. Stand up for your values, this is key. If you think it's important to not eat any animal products then stop eating them, but personally I would not go vegan, vegetarian is enough. What makes you feel like you're doing the right thing. It's a lot healthier to be vegetarian though. Eggs and milk are great for you. Be open-minded to new philosophies, but know what's important to you and live by your values.

Pt. 1/2

>>18042325
Put yourself in other's shoes. Your friend is an alcoholic cocaine addict. He probably needs your help (whether he takes it or not is a different story). Can you blame him for not responding when he's, I'm guessing, a low motivation druggie? Always empathize with people and you probably won't see them as so bad unless their legitimately bad people. Try to find new friends who aren't drug addicts. Promise your friend you'll stop drinking if he stops using cocaine and his drinking.

The sex thing sounds like a pain, but have sex with your gf then think. Is it really worth losing this great relationship just to fuck some other women? Sounds like a longshot, but try asking your gf for a threesome with one of those other those other girls and see what happens. Just use your intuition and gut feeling to tell if this is a bad idea, it depends on your gf. Sex is awesome, but you'll find more important things than a few hours of feeling good. Things that don't lead to the rest of your life feeling sad by losing your gf by cheating. Things that will make you feel proud for the rest of your life. Do you have any passions or ambitions? What are they? They can be as small or big as they are, I'd just like to know.

I'm going to bed. Post and write whatever you want and I'll try to respond tomorrow. I really love supporting people with advice, it makes me feel like I'm fulfilling a passion of helping and empathizing with people.

2/2

Live to seek virtue, what is right. Don't break your morals for quick pleasure. Cheating will end up with both you and eventually your gf unhappy.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

These words are so unbelievably true and living by then makes your life a lot happier.