I can feel myself spiraling again and I dont know how to stop

>>17999194
I was doing so well. These past two years I've lost a lot of weight, and still have a lot to lose. its the only thing driving me forward, its really the only thing keeping me alive. If I was still 400 pounds and living the same life I am now I would have killed myself summer 2016. It was the deepest pit I ever fell into. I slowly climbed out of it. I started running, I went extra strict on my diet, I started lifting weights. I gained more and more confidence in social interactions, I was no longer faking it till I made it, I had just made it. The puzzle pieces were coming together and then...it all just fell apart. The girl Ive been talking to rejected me and I broke my leg playing soccer. Now I cant run off the pain of being rejected for the millionth time in my life. Games dont sustain my attention so I sit motionless on my laptop reading garbage nonsense that means nothing all day as my leg heals, unsure of what long term damage it will have on future mobility. I cant leave the house and go to the beach, or take my dog out for long walks in the freezing cold. I cherished the feeling of the cold making my body numb, if only to match how my mind felt, finally in unison.

>>17999197

I intended this to be cathartic, as I always do when I enter one of these episodes and breakdown about it to randoms on the internet. It never works. It's never a release, seeing my thoughts and feelings typed out on my monitor do nothing but compound how real they are. I'll pull out of it...eventually. How many months of wasted self loathing will I have to endure? I dread the day when the numbers on that scale stop ticking down, I'll have nothing left to live for, nothing left to care about, nothing left to mark progress in an otherwise stagnant life. I never get what I want out of these posts. Sometimes I get people who remind me that it isnt so bad, that life is a series of ups and downs, that no two life experiences are ever the same. I also get the people who berate you, take the tough love angle, just slam you until you feel so shitty about yourself youre compelled to improve your life. Then theres the people who shitpost, taking glee that no matter how bad their life is, at least its not as bad as "that guy" and have no problem letting you know about it. I appreciate all of these people. They remind me that people are different and unique, that some can relate, that others have no clue. That there is somebody out there that I will one day being able to say this to. Someone real, with a name and face to go with it, and it wont matter if they care or not, I just want to say it.

Have you tried talking with a counsellor anon? I feel you. I've got depression and I worked on it alone for years and it didn't work. I almost killed myself. I needed help and I'm glad I got it.

>>17999202
i dont know how

>>17999194
Dude, it's crazy how much this post resonates with me. I feel like I'm dealing with similar issues here. I wish I could help you out, but I hope things get better with you man. I think we deserve it.

Welcome to the 21st century.
You me and probably thousands of others are in the same boat. I've read psych books, seen counselors, psychologists and have tried desperately to get people I've related to "out of the pit". I think the best option is probably drugs. If nothing feels "real", make nothing feel real. If you're petty enough, maybe blame your parents for being born. If nothing else, there's always the penultimate decision

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ6VRJUVBdQ

>>17999308
It's alright op. I didn't know how either. Talk with a friend or family member you trust. It's scary as fuck to admit these things. I get it. I've kept it a secret for over ten years. Having the people I love see the real me was ducking scary at first. You can do this anon. You're worth it even if you don't feel like it. And if you want to, update to share if you've talked with someone and how it went.

>>17999574
That's the thing, they will get better, but it's never permanent. It's like I'm walking in a forest and the treeline is starting to open up and I can see the path ahead of me and I take it for as long as it goes and I think "yes, I'm clear, look at all this stuff I've never seen before, I must be going the right way!" and then the treeline starts to close up and the path gets dark again and I see the same bushes I passed moments ago and I see it leading further back into that forest and I can't turn around, there's only one way to go. It's a never ending cycle.

>>18000324
I mean, that's my exact issue. I can't open up to anybody. I don't want them to know. I drop hints, sometimes intentionally, sometimes by accident. It's this self-defeating mindset of wanting help, but deathly afraid of letting them see that I need it.

What can they do anyway? They're busy with their own shit, just like I am. Telling them everything I want to tell them will do nothing for me. They're not going to get me a job, they're not going to find someone who wants to be with me, they're not going to make me love videogames again, they're not going to keep me engaged in learning guitar (something I've started and stopped for nearly a decade, never getting any better) they're not going to teach me new skills.

They can't change me, only I can, and I'm severely lacking in the ability to do that.

>>18000810
At least you know that you're the one that has to change. The problem is you think that you don't have the ability to do it. You can. Hell I used to be the same way, stuck in a loop with no job and all that, thinking I couldn't do it. Eventually I woke up one morning and decided I was sick of being a useless bum living for free at my dad's house. I decided it was time to get over my fears and go out and get a job and start talking to people.
It might not come as easily for you, but you have to believe that you can do it. You might have to do it without thinking about what you're doing, just to get yourself started.
I believe in you Anon.

>>18000914
Yeah anon this guys right.
>>18000810
And in answer to "what can they do anyway?" Just sharing how you feel and what's been going on inside your head with people you trust can be really freeing and healing. I used to think like you and didn't talk about it with my family for over ten years. I was afraid of being weak, pathetic, and a fuck up in their eyes. I was so wrong though anon. What're you afraid of?

>>18000928
The only family member I have in my life is my mom. The rest of my family is in another country and I have next to no relationship with them, they also speak another language, so I cant reach out even if I wanted to.

I can't talk to my mom. She loves me and cares about me, but she treats me like garbage. Anything I do wrong is amplified 100x worse than it should be. She has no sense of calm or reasoning, if I told her I was having these thoughts, she'd tell me to toughen up and "what do I have to be depressed about? you dont pay anything, you stay at home all day! your life is great! stop whining". She really is not a good person, she's had a terrible life that is a mirror for my own with her own terrible mother to boot. The only difference is that she lived amongst her extended family, other people she could go to advice for when her own mother failed. She had a support system so that she didnt suffer alone.

She met my father and had me, which ruined her career. He left her when I was in highschool, and her degree was out of use for nearly 15 years. Her life is terrible and it had consumed her, im trying everything I can to avoid that. Her only redeeming traits is that she loves me, but aside from that, she (and my father) really failed me as a parent. I cant blame her, because I know everything that went wrong, I remember it clearly, but I seem to be unable to correct. I fight everyday to correct the thoughts that immediately spring to my mind, because theyre all terrible kneejerk reactions to what goes on around me.