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Hey /adv/,
I've come here today seeking guidance to see what I can do about my life, because I'm literally at the point where I want to give up. I suppose a bit of background is necessary here.
Basically my whole life has been a trainwreck since I was born.
I was born with multiple physical and mental conditions (Low Muscle Tone, Hypermobile Joints, ADD, mild Aspergers) and was classed as disabled in the UK.
My father left my mother before I was born. He only returned after seeing my birth notice in the newspapers and now I look back on it I wish he didn't ever find out. My father verbally, physically, mentally and emotionally abused me throughout my nearly 20 years of life. He was arrested back in September on charges of assault and abuse against me and my mother.
On top of the abuse I received at home, I was bullied in school as a kid in the UK. I moved to New Zealand when I was 11 and I wanted a fresh start to reinvent myself. But again I swiftly became the target for bullying.
As a result of both of these I guess you could say all I truly wanted to do was to be loved and appreciated for being me.
Around age 14 I entered into my first full on relationship. It was good at first but being young, naive teenagers sex suddenly becomes a topic of discussion. Eventually my girlfriend at the time wanted me to fuck her. Being a kid still, I said no. She then blackmailed me to do so by saying that she would tell people I raped her. So I foolishly gave in. And she still went ahead and claimed I raped her.
I was pulled out of science class one day by the police who questioned me for 4 hours about it. After a while the case was dropped due to insufficient evidence.
As a result of this and only having one friend I became a recluse. Only leaving home with my mother or for school. I would stay home and video games became an addicting solace.
*To be continued*
>>
My father kicked me out of my house one afternoon and I ended up meeting some local neighborhood kids. They became friends of mine and I met a girl through them. I told her my story and she sympathized with me. We started dating as result of our close bond and was with her for just over 2 years, starting just before my 16th birthday and ending before my 18th. She was great for the first 8 months, but months 9-25 she became abusive, controlling, manipulative and held me hostage in the relationship stating she would kill herself if I left. And I couldn't have another disaster from a relationship. In the end I left her once I talked to my friend and realized her suicidal threats were empty, and because we constantly had sex and I wanted to slow things down. So she went off and fucked her ex.
I swore off relationships after a while. But I was invited to a party by a friend. I got drunk and hooked up with a 20 year old days before my 18th. Our relationship was great but she moved and I broke her heart by saying I couldn't leave my family out of fear of what would happen to my mum and sister. She has cut off communication since then.
I had another relationship before Christmas 2015. This was great but we ended in April on good terms, deciding we were better off friends as we wanted different things.
After that I found myself in another abusive relationship where I was mentally and emotionally abused and I planned to leave but she would apologize to me constantly and buy me gifts which I struggled to refuse.
This time I decided after she hurled some insults at me I would leave her. I did this by means of cheating on her with a friend who was an ex girlfriend of a friend to majorly pull the finger at my then girlfriend at the time.
That girl I got with is still with me today, but she's 16. She's not exactly mentally secure and part of me wonders if I should get out before it is too late. Yet I want to be there for her because barely anyone was there for me.
*TBC*
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As a result of the rape accusations and the constant requirements to feel loved, I have become addicted to relationships and to sex as well. I started a YouTube channel in an attempt to entertain people as I always wanted to be an actor or on TV. Sad to say I dream of being famous and adored by fans. But I know that's an impossible dream to make reality.
My other issues are that I work in a call center for a government organization and I constantly find myself at odds with my superiors, as well as finding it difficult and admittedly depressing with the constant abusing tirades from customers and upsetting as I feel so helpless as being some faceless person making them false promises my company never keeps.
I've been kicked out of my home a few hours ago, as my mother is strict about sex. She found out I'd had sex with my girlfriend for months even when she was underage. She fears that my girlfriend is seeking to get pregnant by me and making me pay her way, as she resigned from her job just after they told her they wouldn't be firing her.
Fortunately my mother doesn't know that I met up with a guy when I split with my girlfriend the first time. This guy blew me in his car and begged me to have sex with him. I only didn't cause I missed my girl and rebounded to him, but now I kinda wanna fuck him but I have no romantic interest in him or in men in general, purely sexual.
I want to be truthful and open up about my sex addiction to my mother. I know it won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things, but I'm afraid she'll dismiss what I have to say.
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I hate what I've become. I look hideous, I'm fat so my body is hideous, and my personality is hideous. And it's now I realize that I'm like my dad. A human piece of shit, with barely any friends who no one cares if he dies tomorrow. And I'd rather die than be like my father. Which is why I wanna go ahead and end my life.
I know mostly all of this is my fault, but can I get advise please? I really need it.
Thanks.
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Go to counseling
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>>17994170
This, and your still gay for wanting to fuck a guy.
>>
>>17994223
I'd be gay for wanting a relationship. Not for wanting experimental bicurious sex.
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