my bf has some immature views on life that sonetimes bubble up

>>17990768
>>if you really love someone you want to spend every waking second with them
Ouch, that's gotta be annoying to deal with.
He sounds like an immature fuck, and like he probably won't listen to anything you say anyway.

Try talking to him, but if he doesn't listen or brushes you off, you've got to consider if this is working for you. A lot of those seem to relate to dating and sex, so it directly impacts you.

i should add that he is very easily impressed and convinced if i do say something. if i try to use any of those topics as a conversation starter it just ends in me doing a monologue and him nodding but probably not really understanding what i'm trying to get at. that's why i just stopped. i don't want to stuff his brain with my pre-made doctrines. what i would want is a discussion. i'm open to overthink my approach to those things, but he would need good arguments to win me over. and he just has zero. and i have a lot. so i kind of just overroll him in such conversations... and that's not what i want so i ended up avoiding it completely. which sucks

>>17990768
>sex should be like porn
Oh you poor thing. Maybe you could send him articles about some of these things? Others, like the neglecting friends thing, are easier to talk about though. Try to get him to empathize.

>>17990784
i have intentionally listed those i could think off that directly impact our relationship. there are a lot more, but that's none of my business.
yes, some of them annoy the shit out of me. i tried to explain him why i donmt agree with him in those point but what happens is just what i said in this post
>>17990791

>>17990791
Well this seems like the real problem. I'm not sure something like that can be fixed though. If this is important to you I'd start considering if the relationship is worth it

>>17990796
it actually sucks, yes.
i don't blame him. a lot of people think like that. i'm also not against trying out stuff he has seen in porn, but e just completely fails to make a difference between what's a turn on to watch and fap to and what would just suck irl. plus he has no concept of how to set the right mood for stuff. he basically has sex like clicking on a vid. let's try this and that with no concept or room for exploration and things to evolve.

he is negelcting his friends knowingly, because of
>if you love me you want to spend every second with me

i told him he will soon regret this gravely but he just brushes it off.

I'd say of all of those the taking a sip out of a water bottle you're about to buy thing is a bit iffy. Apart from that yeah, he's got some naive beliefs there.

>>17990800
why not? i don't think anything is really set in stone.

so far i tried to get teough to him and get him to tell me how he really feels about a subject but i am starting to suspect that it's not a matter of trust and opening up but that there plainly is nothing to discover. which is pretty spooky...
how can i help him think independently and form his own opinions on stuff? how can i help him not just tale on what everybody else tells him but form his own mindset?
i try to ask him WHY he does something but he has no reasons other than "because that's how one does this or that". which honestly gets me pretty irritated

>>17990809
to further explain, i was babysitting my nephew (who is 4...) and he was very thirsty, so i grabbed a bottle, opened it and let him take a sip.
my bf was visibly upset so i brought it up later and he said he was gravely disturbed by this.
he said it is stealing and i said i trust myself enough to actually go trough with my intention to buy that bottle if i do that. i found it extremely irrational to get flustered over something like that. i told him i would think it rude too to just walk around the store and take a bite there and a sip there, even if you end up buyong the stuff you opened. but if it is for a small child, i see zero problems

so, what would be your advice for this situation?
i strongly prefer to not go the "incompatible/ break up" route. i believe i can tickle him out of his shell, but i need ideas on how to do it

maybe somebody else has some practical input?

>>17990825
Lol who fucking cares you're going to drink it anyway
Make him open a dictionnary look at the definition of stealing

Also is he 14?

>>17990974
well, per definition, the water wasn't mine yet but i (or better, the kid) consumed it. but then again, it was still inside the store, so it wasn't even stealing in a technical sense...
stealing:
to take (the property of another or others) without permission or right, especially secretly or by force

oh well

>>17990980
he's 23... still young, but come on

>>17990998
>he's 23... still young
oh wow
That's like the age of first year PhD students? I'm in final year but it's hard to imagine someone like your bf's description at that age.

I have no advice as I've never dealt with this type of special people before. Sorry. Perhaps you get more benefit from talking to him directly rather than trying to find a method to subtly make him change.

>>17991003
the weird thing is that he is pretty good at appearing mature if you don't dig beyond the surface.


i am aware that you're very right with this. but as i said, actually trying to have a conversation that goes a bit deeper than just day to day babbling is like walking on eggshells because his believesystem is so wobbly and fragile and i really have no intentions to just run trough him like the russians run over poland and errect stalin statues everywhere whilst forcing communism on him.
i feel like i crush him if i try to talk to him. this is probably not all his fault. i got my way of discussing from my dad and he's a conversational bulldozer if you ever saw one. that's why i try to find ways (yes, even here on adv) on how to tickle his tender buds of own identity out of him instead of trampling on them.

>>17991012
Well you can help him to evolve I think
You seems subtle enough to change his mind with talking. The next time he's doing things like that, try to talk about your point of view. Maybe he'll understand with time

>>17991012
Ok here's what I find "effective" but it's more of a mean to an end, you tell him what you think about his belief right after he orgasms. There's a chance his emotions towards you at that point are strong enough to make him see that you just want the best for him and his fragile ego will be mostly out of the way.

>>17990768
>There are soulmates
>love is not a finite measure
Come on anon that shit is cute. The rest is understandable though, just try to talk with him about it in a non aggressive manner.

>taking a sip out of a water bottle you are going to buy whilst still in the store is stealing
That's not immature or silly, that's just right. If you haven't paid for it, it's not yours and it's stealing. If you're an adult and you're thirsty, you should bring along some water yourself, wait until you've paid, or pay for it before you drink it and resume shopping. If it's for a young child, parents and caregivers should take along things like snacks and water for them. It's just common sense because children get like that. If it's for an older child, tell them to wait or again, you should have brought along your own from home.

>>17991019
i know i could try to makes the smallest seeds of independent thinking grow if i nurture them. but isn't that manipulative in its own? wouldn't he need to do this out of his own will?

take for example soulmates (disclaimer, i lean towards agnosticism).
he said he thinks i am his soulmate. that was cute. i acknowledge that because the idea of having a soulmate is cute. so i let it slip. a few days later, we got back to the topic and i told him i don't actually believe there is something like a "soulmate". which he took as offence (he thought i was trying to tell him that HE is not MY soulmate. the fact that soulmates exist was not up for discussion in his mind). i broke this discussion up fast, to not get him worked up anymore, but all i actually wanted was to find out what he believes about religion, god, souls, afterlife, love, coincidence vs predestination, relationships and so on. i had no cruel intentionts to make him feel like i don't love him. this is pretty annoying since i love discussing this kind of stuff. he always takes it personally. oh weeeeellll

>>17991027
that seems like it's even more dangerous because he's high on oxitocine and just wants to hear cute stuff. he doesn't find it cute at all if i disgree with his romantic worldviews

>>17991033
sure it's cute in a fb-quote way. but it is toxic for etablishing a mature and stable relationship irl

>>17991036
i agree. but come on, i wasn't prepared to go to the store with the boy and he was really thirsty. why make such a big deal out of this?

seems like it's really not worth it to sweat small stuff hat excessively. how can you actually get into an argument over this? itms seems so unnecessary

>>17991047
>just wants to hear cute stuff
On the contrary, if you want to hit him with not so cute stuffs this is probably the only point in time where you can get away with it. I've experienced this before.

>>17991052
well, it's worth a try but i guess it will make his world fall appart that i don't actually like or believe all that cutesy shit people have made up to cushion themselfes and continue to live in a pink bubble with rose petals billowing around in it, no matter how i wrap it up and when i tell him.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but is it possible he's autistic?
He sounds like how I was that age. Very idealistic with rules but not exactly any thing behind why.
I'm in my 30s now and grown up a lot.

>>17991047
I don't see how it's necessarily toxic.

>>17990768
drop him, seriously, he wont change unless somebody gives him a reality check
that could be you or somebody else
then you might get back together
until then, there is no hope.

>>17991066
not by any chance but pretty definitely.
he just has rules set out that he thinks society works on but they are hollow. nothing to hold them up.
what made you change that? is it something i could help him with or is time and getring older all that is going to change this and i just need patience?

>>17991069
it makes you think that once you found your "soulmate", everything will just fall into place. no work required anymore. you will just have mindblowing sex because hurr soulmates. you won't have to work on communication because muh predestination and "you get me without me having to say a single word". you will want to spend every waking second together because what else could you wish for once you found the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? seems like a clear path to absolute chaos.

>>17991072
i fail to see how hurtig him will "wake him up"? seems very unnecessary. there surely are way better ways

>>17991083
struggle, challenge, fear,
those are things that help us learn about the world and ourselves.
Tho if you find a way how to break up with him without hurting him, go ahead.
You wont be happy in the relationship as it is, however, bear-that-in-mind.

>>17991086
well, shit. i know that. and i also know that there are no shortcuts to maturity. that he would find out himself to truly learn. argh, god damnit.
i mean, i could stop shielding him and confront him with my thoughts and then let him deal with them on his own? maybe that's enough struggle to grow on?

>>17991090
whoa. i just realized that i have been shielding him from almost anything because i know it will destroy his romantic worldview in the long run. how silly can one be...? guess i found my solution. let him deal with the challenges a relationship brings too and not solve them all on my own instead. that WILL make him mature step by step

Sounds like you have communication problems OP.
Quirks are quirks, but it sounds like he doesnt even give you the time of day.

Childish behavior (being ignored) only has one solution. Growing up.
And if this guy refuses to grow up, then you best move on because this will become a real problem when you guys face serious issues together.

Present your expectations clearly to him.
Listen to his input (if he even has any)
Make him agree to meeting said expectations
Rip him a new asshole if he repeatedly fails to meet them, or worse: doesnt even try.

Make the consequences clear: youll fuck off and ditch his ass, because relationships like that are a dime a dozen.

Its over the moment you feel obligated to put up with unacceptable behavior. If thats what you would rather do, then resign your personal feelings and accept all his faults at face value, and being little more than his maid.

>>17990768
This sounds like my ex. He acted like a stubborn little child if I tried to tell him his opinions were immature and there was absolutely no way to get through to him. Being this person's partner it was infuriating to the point it drove a rift between us. Does your partner go out much or have much life experience? This was the reason my ex's reasoning was like this; he'd never had a job, I was his first girlfriend, he just seemed so sheltered that he'd established his views on nothing but what he had seen on the internet.

If your partner is stubborn like mine was when you try to bring it up I'd let harsh reality pop his idyllic bubble. Hopefully he'll find some sense.

>>17991073
Hmm I'm trying to think of my turning point. I think realising I was being needlessly blunt and hurting people helped a lot.
He might just need more time to mature but I also think you discussing stuff with him can help. I guess helping him understand that life isn't always black and white.
With your water example, of course it's terrible if an adult just starts drinking in the store without paying for something. But if you know you have the money it can be in the stores best interest to let a thirsty child have some before it's bought. The last thing the store wants is to annoy the other customers because a child is crying.

>>17991108
he had a very sheltered life (he thinks he hadn't, but he had). he has not much life experience. guess that's it. what would be some good things for him to grow on that won't make him bitter or destroy him?

>>17991107
i'm not a fan of ultimatums. but i will keep in mind to not let his behaviour just slip because i "understand"


>>17991111
how did you come to that realization? did it just occure to you one day or was it an incident that startet that process?

>>17991090
>>17991094
it might be very difficult to do, however,
hence the above mentioned breakup, because people are their opinions and judgements, arent they.. so attacking his views is, in a sense, attackin his identity, his core values.
I would suggest a heart-to-heart talk followed maybe with a short break? (seeing others NOT allowed ofc) That could make him realize what is at stake and how his gf might see some things differently and come to terms with it.

>>17991140
>a short break? (seeing others NOT allowed ofc)
lol

>>17991140
breaking up over different worldview (especially just taking a BREAK) seems over the top, really. i get what you are after but i think there are ways to achieve this without all the drama.
i mean, if i suggested a break, that wouldn't really put anything on stake if it really was just a break, so it would just be unnecessarily hurting him. besides, i don't even want that.

i guess i just have to be more frank and honest with him and then let im hang a bit so he has to find ways to deal with it on his own instead of delivering a solution simultaneously with the challenge. he could always come to me and we'd talk things true, but i should not pre-chew all his problems for hin

>>17991126
i suggest the ultimatum because its the quickest way to know if he can commit to growing up or not.

Indeed you cannot take an "I understand" approach. That is just you further sheltering him.

Reality has consequences. Consequences force people to grow or get rolled over untill they figure it out.

Using "ill break up with you over this" answers two important questions.

First, it shows how much he is willing to do or to change for what he deems "soul mate", and promptly crushes that ideal if he continues to treat you like a prop. It tells you how much he really loves you. Actions speak louder than words n all that.

Secondly, it gives you a choice. It tells you how much you are willing to accept and put up with just for the sake of it.
How much you really love him, in a sense.

If you being out of the picture isnt enough lf a motive for him to change, it shows where you stand in his life, without the wordplay and sweet talk.

just tell him you dont like these things and youll think less of him if he continues
its ok, his ego is a bit too large

>>17991150
so, youre basically wanna reprogramme his character to suit your emotional level, Im not sure this can be achieved easily though, which is what I was hinting at earlier. You might be incompatible in that respect, it can work on some level, for sure, but it will most likely result in your frustration during this "learning" period youre about to venture in

>>17991153
i feel like you missed the point. i don't want to demand he changes. i don't think people should change if they see no reason to. i also believe that people CAN'T change if they don't see why they should. simply because someone gave you an ultimatum won't make you a sane and mature person over night. what i want is kindle his drive for understanding why he does something and if he does that based on something to back it up with.
i don't think this can be achieved with ultimatums.

i think what would happen if i did that is just that he is crushed, gets bitter, looses every little bit of selfesteem he has, and starts hating himself. i don't think he's at a point where he could actually learn something from this ultimatum and "consequence". besides, i'm not a person that breaks up with people as a "lesson". i break up with people if i can't see any other way

>>17991163
i can be very patient if i think the endresult will be worth it...

i don't think i want to reprogramm him. i want to take something that is only there in traces and make it grow.

>>17991164
>>17991164
And thats what you will decide in a couple of years by beating around the bush.
Try not to regret the time wasted, because your choosing it.

>>17991172
i will remember that if we ever break up. but isn't that the case with every relationship?

>>17991169
i dunno dude, really..
the things youve mentioned, if only as loose, disconnected examples.
I cant help but see the guy as somebody whos "just like that". Whats your plan here, how exactly are you gonna achieve him being a reasonable person?
Im just imagining you being a bitter cunt, hoping he wont leave you it, cause thats what youre signing for here... "correcting him", reminding him that his world-view is wrong. That can get sort of annoying if ones stubborn or rooted deeply in his patterns.

>>17991182
what makes me sure he isn't "just like that" is that i used to be the same.
i can see how i can come across as a manipulative and entitled cunt. which i even might be... but i can also see that this approach to live makes it a struggle for him which i think is unnecessary suffering. and since i love him, i don't want him to suffer. i say that because his views also badly infleunce his career and his relationship with his friends.

>>17991126
I don't exactly know but one incident that stays in my mind was when a good friend posted about something on Facebook and I made a perfectly logical and true comment (and to my mind not hurtful), and she got extremely upset by this (because I didn't congratulate her over the thing). I didn't understand why she was being so unreasonable but it made me rethink how I interact with people and it's helped me grow as a person a lot.
I was already growing up before that incident, relaxing the "rules" etc. But that did help.

>>17991189
any idea on how to "recreate" a moment like that in a relationship? without breaking up ofc...
do you know what made you relax those rules? was it just good old growing up or something you've heard/read/whatever?

>>17990768
> immature views on life

You forgot the most important one. Thinking you can change people.

>>17990768
your boyfriend sounds like a fag desu

i'm guessing he's under the age of like 22 to still believe this kinda shit.

date someone older

>>17991289
/thread

>>17991047
>toxic
Tumble git out.

None of those seem really bad or unmanageable. If you can't stand spending time everyday with your partner, even if it's just together quiet time, you're really not going to last when you are married and have kids. People 100 years ago weren't talking to somebody else everyday, Jesus. Soulmates isn't a bad idea and the fact you find it a problem is more of a red flag than him believing it. You sound used up 2bh. Him not wanting to communicate would be bad if your problems were valid lol.

Taking a sip of a drink before you buy it IS stealing if you get up to the counter and realize you don't have the money for it. You may know that you have the money, but the store keeper doesn't and it is true that it is rude to start consuming something before you pay. You act like niggers don't exist and don't steal. Talk about worldview.

He shouldn't neglect his friends.

You're the one that sounds retarded, however. You sound like you're looking for excuses to find him annoying.

>>17991289
you clearly haven't read the thread. i never forgot this one

>>17991334
Your advice is shit
Don't fucking bring the "a long time ago" shit followed by calling people niggers, it only make you look uneducated and desillused

>>17991186
Not the person you were talking to, but what made you develop into the person you are now? Would you have been receptive to the intervention you're considering?
Even if it's not intentional, it sounds like you're trying to align his personal development with yours. What works for you (a more casual approach to the relationship) may not work for him or make his life any better. It's not far-fetched to spend a lot of time with your significant other while still maintaining friendships and a job, so I don't buy that adopting your point of view will solve these issues for him. These beliefs might be TOXIC to jaded aspies like us, but it's pretentious to assume that your bf will be better off without it.
It's enticing, feeling that you alone know what's best for your boo, but you likely don't. You seem well-intentioned, but you should take stock of your ego and what you actually want out of this relationship before doing anything drastic.

>>17991462
well... you might be on to something. guess i should not assume i know it all and be a bit less full of myself

>>17991462
oh and kind of. i did learn a lot by facing challenging situations. so i assumed that'll work for him too

>>17991424
Enjoy the cock carousel and subsequent divorce you stupid cunt.