Is it possible to train your instincts? Like, there's a

>>17985084
I guess explain you have aspergers and ask for more clarification.

>>17985088
Okay. I have asperger's.

How do I know if someone is the right romantic partner for me?

>>17985092
That's a lofty one. I don't know if I alone could explain it in one post.

Of course there has to be mutual attraction and compatibility. Both of you should like each other as friends, be attracted to each other physically, and have an emotional/romantic attraction.

Both of you should have the same values and life goals.

>>17985100
Oh.

Then how do I stop wanting love?

>>17985102
Aw why jump to that?

>>17985107
Because that kind of thing just doesn't happen.

Yeah absolutely. Most of what people refer to as instinct is actually a subconscious leaning based on countless experiences. People aren't born just knowing how to navigate social situations, and "intuition" is really more tacit knowledge culminating from continuous trial and error throughout the years. It helps that most people -are- naturally very sensitive to the (non-verbal) feedback they get from others, and that rejection is so terrible that it really motivates people to not elicit that response again and just fit in next time.

Having said that, if you have Asperger's you cannot rely on yourself to learn this subconsciously and instead you will have to consciously pay attention to all kinds of little signs people give you. I recommend starting by reading some stuff on body language so you have a good frame of reference for that. For maximum profit observe as much as you can from human interaction so you can see the stuff you read about happening in real life.

From them on it's a lot of keeping track. Whenever someone has a relatively extreme response to you that you did not understand, trace back your steps and try to locate the issue. Then make it your challenge to navigate that situation better next time.
Lots of psychological writing breaks "obvious" social concepts down in a way that your average person won't be able to (and indeed blow you off with "you should naturally know that").

This might sound impossible but realize that one of the main reasons that many more men than women are diagnosed with autism, is that women have more (serious, emotional) friendships when young and thus learn to fake the behavior that doesn't come naturally to them. You don't have to see the point or agree personally, plenty of non-spectrum people don't, if you can smoothly go through the motions it'll save you a lot of energy and disappointment though. Good luck!

>>17985115
I disagree. It happened personally for me, and I've seen it happen for countless others.

>>17985084
Hey there. If the things you're worried about are related to social interactions, don't worry too much. The people who claim it's instinctual or that you should 'just know' have been passively absorbing this information for years. You can absolutely catch up, no problems. It'll just take a bit of work :)

I've a friend (with aspergers) who found it helpful to keep social situation flashcards to revise how to behave in certain situations. Watching what people do and trying to spot patterns can help. The biggest thing that helped him was spending more time around people. He goofed up at times, but it helped him learn what the usual behaviours are.

In terms of advice, what I'd say is this: no one knows what they're doing in life. We're all bumbling along, doing the best we can. In that sense, you're no better or worse off than anyone else, you just have different problems. As long as you're polite and honest, people aren't going to get mad at you or upset with you. You can (and I'm sure will) find love, no matter how far away that may seem now. You've just got to stick with it. Those things that people 'just know'? They learned them. And you can too.

>>17985123
How do I know if I love somebody?

Is it ok to date someone you don't love?

>>17985388
attraction isn't the same as love.

if you find yourself thinking about a person a lot, wanting to spend time with them, then chances are you're attracted to them.

it's not possible to be in love with somebody you hardly know. that's just infatuation/a crush. hardly anybody is "in love" when they first start dating someone

>>17985115

Your problem is not having Asperger's. It's being a defeatist. Just saying.

>>17985388
When you do, they don't become a negotiable factor anymore. Think of the person you love most of your family: they are like an absolute "good". You could take a sum of money you wouldn't dish out for anything, not even for a house, but if you could save this person's life with it suddenly that money would mean nothing at all anymore.

Real love is like that. Not being in each other's life is non-negotiable. You might still find them annoying sometimes, you might still not feel attracted to them 24/7, you might still feel more excited thinking of fucking other women, but the idea of losing them makes any other thought/desire seem childish and silly.

Obviously this is more thinking of marital love than of puppy love. Being in love is not the same as really loving someone. But I'd say, in a serious relationship you know that you love someone when it goes without saying that you do, you don't need to "prove" it even to yourself with arguments. You might say you never experienced that but it's likely you just haven't indeed reached that level of attachment. Again, think of family. How would you demonstrate or rationally break down your love for them? It's just there, you know that it's there. Love isn't a fluttery feeling like lust or infatuation, it's rock fucking solid, it's more like placid than like passion.

It is okay, yes. (For the record: I take your question as not being (in) love, because no couple really starts out loving each other right away.) People do it all the time. Sometimes they think they love someone and don't realize they have never experienced the real deal yet. Sometimes they fake loving someone or they think it'll grow. Sometimes they know it won't and just want experiences.

The only thing that's wrong is leading on a partner who feels more for you than you can reciprocate instead of being upfront about what you do and don't feel for them (with reasonable diplomacy, no need to detail it if you think about others during sex).

>>17985084
>can you 'train your insticts'?
yes.

Learn to look at details. If you're an aspie then it should be easy, just notice body language, word choice, and facial expressions of other people instead of how many bricks are on the wall behind them.

>>17985442
In that case I don't love my family.

Then what?

>>17985775
You know how there are dozens of different words for snow in Inuit languages, but we only have one word so all those distinctions are lost? It's like that with love.

The love you feel for a friend is different to the love you feel for a family member. The love you feel for your favourite food is different to the romantic love you feel for a partner. There are plenty of types of love. In this case, I think the Anon was talking about true romantic love.

>>17985801
It's all chinese to me.

It's cruel to want something you can't have and don't understand.

Don't despair, my dear. I personally love men with a touch of the mal de apberge… I've found them to be utterly charming and very sensitive, and yes - sexy. I suppose my ex had more than a touch of your particular bend of mind but in his case it just manifested itself as a hateful Narcissism. Or maybe sociopaths and autists are complete opposites. I've found that autistic adults are exquisitely sensitive and empathic… which again = sexy.

If this does anything to console you I'm happy. As for the "things you just need to know" issue, that's everyone. At least you have a medical excuse and I would use it to my advantage. Find some smart, earthy, sportive sort of girl you find attractive. You have a better chance with her than you think.

>>17985092
>How do I know if someone is the right romantic partner for me?
There's not an industry standard test for this. Everybody decides it differently.
My suggestion is to write down a list of the top 10 qualities you think would make someone a suitable life and romantic partner for YOU.

>>17985830
But you can understand it, there's no reason you can't. It'll just take time.

I know a person with Asperger who went through something similar to this at uni. He was suddenly overcome with how unable he was to fit in, even though he had people who considered themselves his friends. He went through a rough period, but he was fine in the end. He learned from it all. That's what you need to do. I'd suggest talking to your friends/family and telling them that you struggle with social situations, and that they should correct you/offer advice whenever they think you need it.

And look at some of the advice you've got here:
>>17985123
>>17985163

>>17985832
I'm not attracted to women.

What do men like?

>>17985123
Totally this, you sound very smart and insightful.

Also when you look back and cringe at stuff you or others did, it may often make a lot of sense on a human instinct level, but and it's only from a learned social perspective with set lines drawn by society that makes it weird.

>>17986047
I'm taking notes, though I don't understand.