So, im at my witts end with my bf and our sex life. He sucks

tell him he's a retard and listen to your advice more.

>>17981916
Seems a bit rude.
Is there no other way than to flat out tell him to listen better and apply what i tell him? I don't want to crush his confidence in his sexual abilities...

You need to stop accepting it when he does this. You tell him to do it x way instead of y. He starts doing x. Within seconds he does y. Pull away and go "no no wait, you're doing y again".

As long as it takes until he gets the point.

Also is there any reason to believe he doesn't actually want to follow your pointers? What kind of tips are you talking about?

>>17981911
give positive reinforcements when he does things well.
>oh yes honey yes
>hnng hnnng don't stop don't stop
>no no no back to that
>aaah yessss
etc

>>17981957
I have never faked to like something i don't. But i also haven't been as outright as i could have been about his lack of dedication to what i ask him to do.

Not one i could think off... What could be reasons?
The main thing i tell him is to take it slow and only touch me lightly untill i am really horny. Because otherwise it hurts and ruins my whole mood. Let's take today for example.
We were fooling around and got undressed in the process. He was touching me trough my clothes already, which is usually a good thing because the clothes are like a buffer zone and make his touches more enjoyable. So the starting position was pretty good. We were both horny. As soon as i got rid of my panties, he went straight to rubbing my clit pretty hard. I told him (not in a demanding tone) to please touch me very slowly and gently. So he did that for the mentioned 15 seconds then went back to rubbing like a maniac. I already wasn't horny anymore at that point and asked him to use his mouth instead (which he can't be AS forcefull...). He went down on me, but it was just done for me. My mood was killed. He also went very fast and as hard as possibke with his tongue despite me having told him so many times that i like long slow movements. So i just told him to stop and fuck me. Which he did. But i wasn't even horny anymore and it was just not enjoyable. This sucks...

>>17981972
I have done and still do this ALL the tkme. Zero improvement. I really don't know what else i can still try at this point

>>17981992
Did you ever try to tell him exactly this? Not just that there's room for improvement but that you don't know what to do anymore if you give him concrete pointers and he doesn't stick to them?
If you have, then I don't really see another option than making your actions back up your words and letting him feel that it's not what you want as soon as he fucks up.

It actually sounds to me like he's being willfully obtuse because HE gets off by touching you more frantically. Maybe he also just finds it hard to 100% believe that what's extra sexy to him doesn't do it for you.
In the future I would simply stop sex as he started rubbing your clit hard. You are essentially shielding him from the consequences of him not listening to you now, that is not likely to make him take your suggestions more seriously. Tell him frankly that your mood for sex is gone because it hurt or felt bad or whatever relevant. Now you are scurrying to compensate for being turned off, which should be his problem if he's going directly against what you tell him to do.

>>17982013
You're right... He's just not one to take critique well. He's pretty insecure. That's why i tried to shield him a bit so far. But i can see that that's pretty silly...
I'm afraid it will hurt him deeply if i tell him off. But i guess i have not many other options

>>17982026
You don't, and as long as you aren't being unnecessarily harsh it would be pretty fucking shitty of him to expect you to NOT speak up when he does stuff to you that makes you dry up. You have done everything that suffices for most people, he's not responding, time to pull the brake. It's no fun but realize that with a partner like this (at least until you trained him, if possible), it is solely your responsibility to make sure that your body is handled the way you want to be handled and that sex is satisfying for you. While he's glossing over your tips because of whatever reasons, you're selling yourself out just to spare his feelings. Also realize that you are essentially teaching him that this behavior (not following your explicit instructions) is fine. You can say whatever you want but it won't have as much impact as your actions. Right now your actions scream that he can just not take you seriously and it's no big deal.

Op, do you like it in the butt?

>>17981996
Could be his short time memory is defunct ..

>>17982064
Also forgot that obviously you should be prepared to confess that you have not been straightforward about this in the past, otherwise he'll just go "but I did the same thing last week and then it was fine". Make him realize that you're through and want to have the kind of sex that works for you from now on.

Good luck girl, I know it's fucking shitty, no one wants to (have to) tell their partner this but you owe it to yourself imo.

>>17982064
I have a really fucked up relationship with sex. It is a huge accomplishement for me that i even realized what i would need and that i had the guts to try and tell him what i need/want. He's not an asshole. I know he would handle this in a mature way. I just need to be the one doing some maturing and actually speak up for myself. This is really idiotic. He's now gone again and i'm sore and damn myself for not being able to state my needs better.
Thanks for all your help, anon. It has been very insightfull.
Do you have any advice on how i should go about this? So i talk about this in a non-sexual situation? What do i say? That i'm not happy with our sex life? That i need him to be more considerate about me telling gim how to touch me? You see, i'm really lost when it comes to this. This is definitely not only his fault...

>>17982111
That's exactly my fear. that he will be crushed because i didn't tell him sooner. but honestly, i thought there is something wrong with me. that i have a weird and unpredictable libido and that i am hypersensible. i tried to find excuse for everything. i tried to find out what gets me going snd i realized that i am often horny. and that i am only sensible when i am not very horny yet. so it suddenly occured to me that the problem is not that there's something wrong with me but that i have probably failed to give him good pointers in the past and that he fails at following the ones i do give him.
i fear he will feel like i lied to him. but i honestly didn't realize it sooner... i will tell him this and hope he can understand.
i'm pretty uncomfortable to have this conversation with him. wish me luck...

>>17982114
Well that's the thing, it is quite a lot for most people already and that only applies double if you have a particular struggle with this. You cannot allow a relationship to undo your own growth. Whether or not you intellectually agree, he is also discouraging you from speaking up by again and again ignoring you.

>for not being able to state my needs better
Stop. You did state your needs. You stated your needs in such a way that it was perfectly clear what you wanted. He did not take you seriously or was not in a clear enough state of mind to follow commands or whatever else, but that's not on you.

Absolutely talk about it in a non-sexual setting. Also piggybacking on your other comment, I would stick to the present and tell him honestly that the sex you just had? Wasn't good for you. Didn't make you feel good mentally or physically. He can't claim that he doesn't remember or remember things differently if you're just talking about something that happened a few hours beforehand.
Also, given that the past is the past, I don't really see any benefit in going full honesty and telling him how frequent this is. I'd stick to telling him it wasn't good for you now and it's not the first time that this has happened.

Obviously you are right that this isn't happening in a vacuum and you're allowing this to continue. Obviously it is important to reassure him right away that you chose to have sex anyway yourself and that it is a struggle for you to be assertive enough about what you want. But that you're in a growth process, that it's a big step for you to communicate what your personal preferences are and that you NEED him to actually follow suit in the future. Tell him stuff like "I want to enjoy sex with you every single time". If he presses then yeah, honestly tell him you're not satisfied/happy as it is, just as you experience it.

>>17982171
And it goes without saying that you should own up to staying silent on your dissatisfaction with how he responds to feedback, preferably before he can accuse you of that himself. Yeah it sucks, but it happens all the time. You can tell him all the stuff you're saying here, that you were afraid to hurt him and that it's been a longer term thing for you yourself to find out what you want and need. Hell, that you're even still discovering yourself what exactly you want.

Once again I would be very clear about what happened now. Talk in very concrete, short sentences. "You rubbed my clit and I asked you to be more gentle. You didn't adjust your pace and it's just not a kind of sensation I like (or: it hurts, it feels bad, if either of those apply more). I asked you to go down on me and you did it so fast, while I have told you often that this just isn't what I personally like. I went dry because it was all stuff that doesn't work for me."
Really break it down. Then at the end tell him you love him, you want to love your sex life as much as you love other aspects of your relationship. Ask him if he recognizes what you're telling and if not, how he experiences things. Ask him if he has concrete suggestions for stuff you can do in the future to guide him. Wrap up the conversation with tangible agreements.

Then follow those. If he doesn't respond the way you agreed upon, tell him "baby, remember what we talked about", and if that doesn't work you pull the plug on sex.

Best of luck!!

>>17982171
>>17982186
thank you so much... you might just have singlehandedly saved my sex life.
i really hope i have the courage to follow your advice. but i am sure i will. now that i know what would be the right thing to do i just need to get over myself and actually do it.
thanks a lot!

i'll save your answers so i can re-read them if i need a reminder

>>17982207
You're very welcome, that's great to hear, I hope you surprise yourself and realize you have it more than in you!

>>17981992
good lord
having sex with you sounds exhausting

>>17982234
how so?

>>17982237
will elaborate when I have time.

Bump. I wsnt a status update. Have a similar conversation coming just from a male point of view.

>>17983201
i won't see him untill next saturday. i can make a status update then if you are interested. i'd use the same op pic

>>17983690
Thank you I will look out