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Most of the times lately I'm always surrounded by people, but I still feel so fucking lonely. It wasn't always like this. Up untill college I spend most of my time alone, in my room. Sometimes I went out with people that liked me, but I only went out with them because the loneliness was too unbearable. When I started cutting myself and I also couldn't get high at home to stop myself from selfdestructive acts and to escape from the weight that loneliness stacked up on me over the time. I took benzos and I found around the house sometimes though. I only got out of this at the last year of high school when I met this great, cute girl I found on the internet. We had "ldr" together. She hadn't had it any easy back then either. I guess she needed the same, to have someone she could open to...that's provably why we liked each other so much at times, or atleast we liked what we've seen on the screens of our phones. We texted for almost eleven months, everyday. It was great having someone that you could wake up for every morning. Having "good morning" text waiting there for you.
It ended after we met each other three times after ten months. Maybe it's because I can express myself better over the text, or maybe we just wasn't able to found our way in the real life. Or maybe it's just because I'm a mess I was her first "boyfriend". She found another one shortly after we ended our thing. She's a good girl and I'm really glad that she found someone she is really happy with. I didn't talk to her ever since, I really didn't handle the post break up time, got drunk often and send her shit I'm ashamed often. It wasn't agressive or anything, just humiliating and I'm ashamed of myself. Of all that came out of it really. She's happy now though, I'm glad for her.
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As I said I'm with a lot of people now, but I can only be just with someone. Someone who is atleast a bit like me. Most of the people I hang out with seem to like me but again, I don't feel the same way about them. I only really care about this girl I met year ago. We hung out together ever since. I didn't understand better with anyone else ever in my life. When it started I was the happiest man on earth. She's absolutely great, we are the best friends, she cares about me deeply but we can't be together. I never could have imagined spending my life with anyone but her. You see, everyone I got along with I got bored of, or pissed at over the time. I'm fucked, I start to distance from my friends up untill the point of no contact. But with her I just can't see what would make me think like that. I love her, want to be with her, but that won't ever happen. She likes girls. She only likes girls to be exact. And I only began to understand this last week, even when she told me this fact on the first day we hung out together. Or maybe there is someone who would light her lust for dick but it won't be me.
She's still everything to me, having a good friend is above anything, but it wont save me. I know that relentless need of saviour is stupid, that the person isn't the fix for all that is broken inside me. But I atleast want the warm feeling. The feeling of safety, knowing that there is always someone for you and you are there for her. When I love someone, the person becomes higher priority for me than myself and I forget about my shit...
I don't know what I want. Never knew. That's probably the problem. I feel like I'll never find it. I'm lost.
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Shit's long.
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Also I can't fall asleep sooner than at 5am. If I start taking sleeping pills to straighten up my sleeping routine, will I ever be able to fall asleep without them?
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>>17963850
>>17963839
>TL;DR I'm a whiny person who has had two girlfriends, one real and one long distance, and I'm edgy and hormonal and 19.
Okay. Join the rest of the club.
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>>17964154
I've never had a real girlfriend.
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>>17964184
>You sure cling onto this lesbian girl like she's your girlfriend
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>>17963850
>But I atleast want the warm feeling. The feeling of safety, knowing that there is always someone for you and you are there for her. When I love someone, the person becomes higher priority for me than myself and I forget about my shit...
As someone who is 31, only had 3 relationships, and doesn't seek to have any others at this time, that feeling you're feeling is now applied to everyone. I know people want that same thing, to have someone they can trust and will care for them, so I provide it. Someone wants an ear to listen, I'll lend it. Someone wants a shoulder to cry on, I've got tissues and time. I may not have that special one person whom I treasure, but I care for everybody enough that I feel that love returned to me, because people appreciate that.
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>>17964276
I just can't do this.
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>>17964209
She is not though, and I realise this way too much for me to stay happy.
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Have you concidered that you might be a faggot?
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