I feel in such a position where its just not even worth doing

Whether or not you choose to accept this, you're exhibiting most of the symptoms of depression and possibly also mild to moderate paranoia. Are there any local clinics you can go to in order to talk with a professional?

>>17960881
It sounds like your living situation is definitely NOT a healthy environment. Are you your mother's primary caretaker (assuming she needs one)?

you're absolutely depressed

>>17960893

No.

Why does the irrational outweigh all the positives of adopting a rational scientific approach to this? Sure, life would be much better if I continued to do the things I used to do, but thinking about them doesn't get me off anymore.

I think of my flesh and it is my enemy, everything that composes me I want it to suffer. It is the most erratic, most toxic type of behavior, but I seem to be ok with it.

I cannot accept the fact that my mother suffers either, or refuses to eat. I am also angry at her for insulting me at times, that's always been the norm. Yet my only answer to this is for me to try to cease my existence day by day.

>>17960900

> Sure, life would be much better if I continued to do the things I used to do, but thinking about them doesn't get me off anymore.

that is called depression
emotional states exist whether you want to believe it or not, and they color your perception of the world

>>17960895

>healthy environment

It is, I dont mean to over exaggerate things. Its a comfy place, everything I have it was given to me by my mother. Dont think I dont know I am a ungrateful prick. I dont even have a job and just go to college so I am trying to actually get out of the comfort zone and get a job (or was planning).

At times I do take great care of her. At least prior to the last 2 days. I try my hardest to be a chill serviceable dude to everybody.

She does need care. She doesn't eat if I don't insist her over and over. Shes crippled by depression so she needs my attention to eat and work and what not.

I am the direct cause of her situation and I know the implications of me being who I am and doing the things and do and not having done the things I should've done for the last couple of years. I am very aware that it is my fault on many things tho.

Not trying to play the ''I dindu nuffin'' card or take on the role of the victim.

>>17960900
Having a mood disorder like depression means that even one logically and rationally knows things, they still suffer from not only a likely chemical imbalance, they also suffer from unhealthy thought distortions which they believe are logical. I should know, I struggle with recurrent major depressive disorder. It's real and it's serious.
"I think of my flesh and it is my enemy" that's a major thought distortion dude.
"It's the most erratic toxic behaviour, but I seem to be ok with it" another thought distortion.
"I can't accept the fact that my mother suffer..." Not being to accept things out of your control leads to depressed thoughts/actions and anxiety.
Talk with a therapist or at least some friends you trust.

>>17960904

Sure, but I didn't mean it to that extent when I said I just didn't ''believed in it'' in my original post.

I meant that at the first sign of a negative thought I just did everything I could to not entertain it. So, in a way, blindfolding myself to such emotional states worked quite well.

>>17960910
So you basically ignored your thoughts/feelings? That's unhealthy.

>>17960906
>>17960906
No I meant that having to take care of a severely ill adult 24/7 isn't doing you any favors. That actually sounds really really hard. *Professionals* who do that kind of work get burnt out, and they get to go home after 8 hrs.
What makes you think you're the direct cause of her problems?

>>17960910

you can try to control how you react to a thought that pops up, but the fact that the thoughts popping up are overwhelmingly negative in the first place, is a bad sign, and you can't control that.

>>17960914

>No I meant that having to take care of a severely ill adult 24/7

No, situation isn't that bad. I am here and occasionally get out of the room and offer her things, and make sure shes feeling well and is not cold.

Occasionally also serve her more food so she eats well and make sure shes not uncomfortable in her bed, stuff like that.

>What makes you think you're the direct cause of her problems?

Well, for starters I don't have a job. And she still has one (she works from home). I should be providing lots of money to the house, but I don't.

Shes constantly saying she doesn't want to live, it has become a recurrent phrase these last couple of months.

An accident happened 2 years ago in which she felt from the stairs. She was fighting with my sister. I am not very bright, I know of my shortcomings. So I tried to break it off, and at some point she fell. I didn't push her. But if I hadn't done that I wouldn't have shortened her already short life.

That accident triggered numerous things that extended across 2015 and 2016. Now she lies in bed, miserable and sad.

I know of every nasty thing I've done and I openly admit everyday my fault for the things I did. I will never ever try to hide the ugliness of these things.

Right now I am attention whoring really hard. But I can't blame it, I do really need attention some times.

>>17960913
>>17960920

I mean, sometimes? I just recognized them as detrimental to my goals at the time.

Same approach hasn't worked these last two days.

I mean, I know things will get better. Maybe tomorrow I won't feel like not eating is a good approach.

Still. I don't know. It kind of sucks when nobody really appreciates you. As if you didn't really exist. I brought all of this on myself by being the antisocial type, so I deserve it. I realize now that the consequences of this weren't really worth it at all.

>>17960938
So basically you see your feelings as "good" or "bad"?

If that's the case you need to stop. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Feelings aren't good or bad, they're pleasant or unpleasant and actually serve important functions for overall health.

>>17960929
It sounds like you should talk to a counselor. Intentional or not you can't spend your entire life under the weight of your guilt. For your own good you need to figure out how to forgive yourself. I'm sure your mom doesn't want you to feel miserable forever. Have you apologized to her for the fall? Talking to her about it might help you work through things.
>> Shes constantly saying she doesn't want to live
That would wear anybody down. That's a horrible thing to hear from someone you care about. Does your mother have anyone to talk to?

I know you said you don't have a job, but it sounds like you want one. What's preventing you from getting one? As long as it's not totally soul-sucking a job would 1. Get you out of the house 2. Give you some structure 3. Make you feel less guilty about not contributing.
If you're not working are there other ways you contribute? Cooking/Cleaning/Laundry that kind of thing?

>>17960929

You have to accept the past and try to forgive yourself for the things you've done. You were just a stupid kid, you're always growing and learning new things. You aren't helping yourself or your mother by dwelling on the past and hating yourself.
The best thing you can do right now is try to fix your own mental state. It will be hard and it will take time, but you can't fix anything for anybody while you're living in this pit of despair.

>>17960956

>Have you apologized to her for the fall?

Of course. At times when shes calm she says I wasn't guilty, but that it was my sisters doing. When shes mad, she openly says she was pushed by my sister and screams to her about it. When she completely loses it she says it in plural as in ''It was your (both of us) fault I am like this''.

I always openly admit it is my fault. Would never do anything to sugarcoat that reality. I would despise that.

But the whole problem was caused by my sister (She was 28 at the time). The whole problem was triggered because my Father came to visit (hes divorced. My sister is not her daughter). She got very mad after he left and started screaming and insulting and doing stupid shit. Things were horrible.

>Does your mother have anyone to talk to?

Sometimes me when I am not angry at her for dumb reasons.

At nights she talks with a friend of her, my uncle or some of my aunts. Its rare for family to phone us. I have numerous aunts and uncles, but they all forgot about us. This has been kind of mentally taxing, as I see this as some type of inevitable downfall. Nobody cares about what little remains of our family. My mother, my sister and I.

>What's preventing you from getting one?

Stupidity.

>Cooking/Cleaning/Laundry that kind of thing?

Yeah when I am really in the mood I can be a hard worker. I am very hard working and dedicated to do things I am ordered to do.

>>17960970

>You were just a stupid kid

I was 20 dude. No mistakes like those should be allowed on a man like me.

Those things are a mere reflection of my absurd existence and the possibly laughable comedy that will be my future.

>>17961003

Consider that beating yourself up for something you can never change is equally stupid then.

>>17961004

And you are absolutely right. I am speaking from a position that its indefensible.

I'll just start eating again and what not now that I feel kind of better.