How worried should I be about this? >bf has shitty coworker

>>17950127
Also, forgot to mention,

L no longer works with bf or coworker, but keeps contact with bf so he can apparently spy on coworker for her?

>>17950127
Sounds to me like your boyfriend is being pretty open with you. Definitely don't contact her yourself, because it's technically not your business. This issue is 100% between you and your boyfriend, so don't include her in it unless you want to escalate this situation and cause a lot of stress on your relationship.

Be very careful not to take out your worries or frustration on him (because he hasn't actually done anything wrong), but bring up your concerns and see what he has to say about it. I don't think he's in the wrong just by being in contact with her, so don't grill him on that. Tell him that you're feeling insecure about it and that you don't like how much she contacts you. From what you've said here, it sounds like he'll ignore her if you bring this up.

>>17950211
Yea, I am a bit frustrated that this is beyond my control and I know my bf hasn't done anything wrong.

We used to kind of joke about it before. Now, the joke has gone stale. And I admit I have gotten a little passive aggressive when I told him she contacts him way too much over this.

I guess my overall fear about the scenario is that when this fling ends between L and bf's coworker, I know L is going to look to bf for support. And already seeing how whiny and clingy she is now, I am getting the feel that she will transition emotionally from coworker to bf. If that makes any sense.

I guess I will have to tell him about those fears..

>>17950227
> I know L is going to look to bf for support
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is probably one of her best friends, at least from work. Do you know if she lives away from her family and/or long time friends? If we don't have regular access to the people who are important to us, we tend to kind of cling to people at work. Aside from the fact that she's a completely shitty person, it doesn't sound like she's really at much fault for her contact with your boyfriend since he allowed her.

>>17950227
>I am getting the feel that she will transition emotionally from coworker to bf. If that makes any sense.
It makes sense, and you're not entirely unreasonable to have that fear. If neither of them are technically guilty of doing anything wrong, you COULD just wait it out until this happens and see how he handles it. Will he stop letting you have full access to their conversations, will she contact him more and maybe even try to be suggestive with him, will he try to offer her emotional support, etc.? That's something only time will tell, but at that point, you DO have a reason to be pissed if he allows it.

>>17950227
>I guess I will have to tell him about those fears..
If and when you do, you need to try and understand the situation from his point of view. It might have been a lack of foresight on his part to ever let her get to this point, but the fact of the matter is that we make friends, or acquaintances who we like to watch when they're being dramatic. It would be a pretty natural response from him if he got a bit defensive if confronted about this. In his mind, he probably hasn't crossed any lines or let anything get too far. On top of that, if you were in his position, how would you make it stop? Whether you decide to be nice or a dick about it, it's difficult to cut someone you know off because your partner doesn't like them. Just approach the situation with care and don't let yourself be short with him.

>>17950227
Does the coworker knows your boyfriend exchanges messages with 'L'?
Why does your bf keeps responding to her if she's not a friend nor a coworker anymore?

I think your bf has been pretty honest with you, the thing I don't understand is why does he keeps talking to the girl. Just for fun and drama?

>>17950291
>I don't understand is why does he keeps talking to the girl. Just for fun and drama?
It makes sense to me. If the girl thinks of him as a friend and he doesn't hate her, it's not like he's going to tell her that she messages him too much. So either he's a pacifist and doesn't like her but doesn't want to tell her to fuck off, OR he also thinks of her as somewhat of a friend.

Either way, it's not a huge deal unless he knows how much OP hates their interactions.

>>17950283
>It sounds to me like your boyfriend is probably one of her best friends
She was only a temp that got let go after a couple of months at bf's work. I know she is a single mom of 2 that lives with her parents. I know she works in the medical field now and is just on her phone at work all day (generally when she contacts my bf, when she is at work).

>It might have been a lack of foresight on his part to ever let her get to this point
That is what I am assuming. My bf generally does not take most people seriously. And when people talk to him about this stuff, I think they do it more for the comic relief he brings rather than advice. However, knowing my bf and having intimate talks with him about how he feels about this stuff, he is actually really detached emotionally from things like this, but the people he jokes with when they confide in him for some reason think he's being compassionately funny?

>>17950291
My boyfriend and the coworker talk about her DM's to my boyfriend all the time.

I do not know why he responds. At the beginning, I could see why. It's drama, you wanna hear the scoop. But now I think it's gone too far and she's really insecure and clingy and it passes the point of anything my bf can do for her.

>>17950320
Maybe you should tell him that the joke is over and it ain't that funny anymore.

If you think he's in just for the drama then prepare yourself when shit hits the fan with that nonsense love triangle he's witnessing. The clingy girl will become the needy friend and is gonna get less and less "fun".

Still don't get why your bf puts himself in that situation, even if he's just in for the gossip it's just a shitty situation (because who cares about involving themselves in a big fat drama, right).

>>17950227
>I guess my overall fear about the scenario is that when this fling ends between L and bf's coworker, I know L is going to look to bf for support. And already seeing how whiny and clingy she is now, I am getting the feel that she will transition emotionally from coworker to bf. If that makes any sense.
I think you should really think about this deeper. Because if it was so annoying to you, you'd just ask your boyfriend to stop talking to you about it, right? Because you don't like her stories. But what annoys you isn't her stories, it's that she's contacting your boyfriend.
Do you feel a little jealous, a little insecure about that? Do you worry about him leading her on? If he's not actually intending to cheat on you, why would him leading her on make you uncomfortable?
There's something else going on here.

>>17950367
>If he's not actually intending to cheat on you, why would him leading her on make you uncomfortable?
I'm sorry, but that statement reeks of autism.

>>17950320
Would you be okay with him being in contact with her if it wasn't nearly as often as it's happening now?

>>17950367
It makes me insecure because it has happened before. With a friend of both bf and mine from high school.

Same shit. Our friend from high school went through a break up. Bf tells me she's upset and lonely because of break up. As a result, we spend more time with her, cheer her up, etc.

She starts asking bf to come over at like 11 at night because she's depressed and alone. Bf denies her most of the time, occasionally drops by to talk to her when we both can. Then when bf and I have dates planned, she tells us to drop everything so she has someone to hang out with.

Bf is passive and does it because he did not know how to say no. I tell him I'm annoyed that we're dropping our plans just to be her tissue box over a fuckboy.

Finally, she starts asking him to come over and drop plans with me, AND not invite me because she only wants to talk to him.

Bf then gets mad at her and tells her off. And ever since then, bf and I have slowly stopped being friends with her.

I think she was starting to catch feels for bf because he kept initially coming to her aid without thinking of the consequences. And now, all of us are no longer friends and she has a lot of my borrowed clothes and stuff and it's just too awkward to even go back to friendship after that.

That happened a few years ago. My bf digs deep into drama, then when shit hits the fan, he becomes passive, allbeit annoyed with the drama, then he erupts and tells people off.

I don't want that to happen again. It made me so insecure that our friend was gonna try to hook up with bf because she was vulnerable. It makes me insecure when bf is around vulnerable women.

>>17950390
>Would you be okay with him being in contact with her if it wasn't nearly as often as it's happening now?
Overall, yea. What triggers me about this is that its one thing to talk about the relationship, but when she comments on all bf's things, it looks flirty. Yet, when she talks to him in the DM's its all about the coworker. So I don't know what her intentions are, she has no interest in me, so I am assuming she at least has some kind of interest in bf. Which I think, may escalate when coworker and her break up.

>>17950393
>Finally, she starts asking him to come over and drop plans with me, AND not invite me because she only wants to talk to him.
>Bf then gets mad at her and tells her off. And ever since then, bf and I have slowly stopped being friends with her.
Probably should've mentioned this before. Your boyfriend seems like a good guy, but it's in his nature to be there for people who are hurting. It makes sense that they'd all be shitty women who cheat/fight over men because they put themselves through way more drama than a normal person. Sounds to me like he wouldn't intentionally jeopardize your relationship. At least, not with the women he has a natural instinct to "fix".

>>17950403
>Overall, yea
Honestly, I think you should just sum up some courage and tell him that you're uncomfortable with her constantly talking to him. Make it clear that you're fine with them being friends, but she's clinging way too much. You need to be calm and word this so you don't seem like you're lashing out and saying he's done something wrong. Make it clear that your problem is with HER, and not him. As long as you can establish that it's you two against the whore and not you against him, your problem should be resolved without any conflict.

If he respects you and the relationship you two have, he'll either explicitly tell her to stop contacting him, or he'll just ignore her to make it stop.

Ask your boyfriend to stop talking to her. Tell him you're uncomfortable about the situation -- mind you, you don't need to actually explain yourself. It just makes you uncomfortable.

Anyway, when he says yes (which by the looks of it, he seems like a good boyfriend), then it's no problem. In the future, however, if you see him messaging her, then you know for sure there's something to worry about -- by that point, break it off.

There's your game plan, OP

>>17950390
>I'm sorry, but that statement reeks of autism.
If my boyfriend put himself in such a situation, then I would roll my eyes and tell him that he's going to cause himself drama. But in the end, it's his drama to deal with. I'm not worried that he's going to cheat on me, and I'm not worried that he's going to overextend himself for someone he doesn't care about.

>>17950393
>Then when bf and I have dates planned, she tells us to drop everything so she has someone to hang out with.
This isn't cool. He shouldn't flake on you like that. So is that more of your concern? That he's going to lose sight of his priorities and have this girl effect the time you have with him? You're worried that she's going to come between you two? That he would bring the drama home? That he overextends himself?
This is certainly a bigger habitual issue of his. You could just tell him to stop talking to her, but that doesn't mean that he'd recognize this bad habit of his.
He has a savior complex. He likes helping and being there for people. To the point that he neglect himself, his own life, and his own relationships. He needs to learn how to balance these things.

>>17950438
>savior complex
See this OP? You need to do something so drastic that he comes back to save you and forgets the other girl. Easy.

>>17950429
I don't think it's totally necessary for her to ask him to cut off contact completely. He's a pacifist, so it would probably be off putting to be forced into an awkward situation where he either has to confront her or just completely ignore her. In my experience, it can feel like a partner is trying to control your life if they ask you to completely cut someone off rather than just tone it down to a reasonable level.

I would rather my partner still have the freedom to do what they want without feeling guilty about it as long as they did what I asked and addressed my concerns. If she wants him to cut it off completely, he'll probably feel like it's a drastic move. After that, he either can't contact her or he'll have to do it in secret, even if it's really just an innocent, friendly conversation. Either way, you're setting him up to feel frustrated and controlled.

>>17950445
I know you're being facetious, but as someone with a savior complex, dating the object of your saving is dangerous territory. To help someone who is separate from me and I don't care about (like how OP's bf is doing with a girl he doesn't really care about), means that I don't feel so bad to prioritize myself a liiiitle bit. That's why I come on /adv/! I'm sure I'm not alone here.

Now, if it's someone who I care about? Who I can argue that "it's for love" to explain away crazy behavior?
I abandoned my whole life for my ex. And when things improved, I realized that we didn't have anything in common other than trying to make things better. The only thing that kept us together for so many years was my ex being so resistant to help.

>>17950450
If he's understanding he would prioritize the girlfriend instead of some other irrelevant girl.

Honestly, as you said, this guy is super passive. You know what you do with passive people if you want them to actually DO something? Force them to. He seems to be OK with being some emotional tampon for some girl that shouldn't even matter; personally, it's a bit disrespectful to dedicate so much time to someone other than his girlfriend/OP.

He's not going to do anything -- and your feelings aren't going to be completely resolved -- unless you force him to stop talking to her, ie ask him politely yet firmly that he stops.

>>17950429
>>17950481
>If he's understanding
I think it's worth it to talk to the boyfriend about the why's, as opposed to just telling him to stop talking to the girl, full stop. She should get him to understand why she wants him to stop.
To first get him to understand, anon needs to understand in herself why she doesn't like this situation. That's what we're working on in this thread right now.

It's not
>Girl is talking to the boyfriend about drama, and that is inappropriate behavior

It's
>Girl is talking to the boyfriend about drama, boyfriend has a history of overextending himself for vulnerable people, she is worried that this will effect the time/energy boyfriend has for relationship, she is worried that this girl will insert herself into their lives.

It sounds like OP's annoyed when she comes up in conversation because now they're talking about her. She wants time to her boyfriend herself. She doesn't like it that he is spending his time thinking about this other girl.

>>17950481
>If he's understanding he would prioritize the girlfriend instead of some other irrelevant girl.
From what OP has said, it doesn't sound like the boyfriend knows the half of what she's feeling. You're right. And he SHOULD. The difference between OP telling him she's uncomfortable with it and FORCING him to stop all contact, though, is that he doesn't have a chance to do the right thing on his own, which in turn tells him that she doesn't trust him to do the right thing on his own.

I'd have to agree with you that passive people need to be directed and nudged, but FORCING someone to do ANYTHING is extremely unhealthy in a relationship. OP needs to tell her boyfriend how she feels and have good faith that he'll do the right thing. Anything more, and she's putting her boyfriend in an awkward position and leaving him feeling like she doesn't trust him. Telling someone you want them to cut off contact with a friend or acquaintance is a very bold statement that speaks volumes about how little you trust your partner and how much you care about controlling them.

Trust me, OP -- He might be passive, but unless he's an idiot, he's probably not going to take too kindly to being told what to do like a child rather than asked to make a change like an adult. I agree with >>17950481 that [IF he knows how you feel] he should stop contact, but that's a decision you want him to make on his own.

>>17950438
>He has a savior complex
OP here,

In that situation, I know he truly wanted to help our friend until it got weird.

But how it is unlike the current situation in my original post is that, he outwardly gives no fucks about this situation, but still likes to dig into the drama. Whenever we talk about it, he makes fun of the both of them (L and his coworker). But empathizes with the baby mama the most because she works her ass off.

The thing with my bf and L, is that he constantly makes fun of her, thinks she's slutty and we honestly kinda... bully her. behind her back tho.

At the same time, when we read the messages together, my bf is just being avoidant and stupid and kinda uncaring in his messages to her and she still obsessively DMs him. Like she's just venting and doesn't even notice my bf doesn't care.

She does not talk to him anywhere else. She doesn't have his phone number. They don't work together anymore. So I mean, while I think he had a savior complex with our friend from high school. I think he's just being stupid with L and just wants to see how crazy she can get.

But by doing this, he doesn't realize that he is inserting himself in their drama.