My boyfriend died the week before Thanksgiving in 2012, and my

>>17918287
I've never lost someone beloved, so it's hard for me to give you and advice. Of course some people change our lives and we don't want them to leave us, life is unfear and take them away from us. but i'm pretty sure, those two guys you love so much, They'd have never wanted to see you that way, so for respect to them, to their memory and love, fight, fight for being a better person, and fight for your dreams. You're not alone.

>>17918287
Don't you have any aspirations or desires?
Anything you've always wanted to do?

>>17918319
Yeah, to kill herself apparently.

>>17918319
My best friend and I had started a business, and I later found out that my boyfriend was saving up for an engagement ring. So yeh, I did. And believe me, in the 4 years since, I have tried many many things to generate new hobbies or dreams. Photography, gaming, going back to college, took an EMT class and got my certification, even just trying to get better through sheer willpower. Everything I've done I have coasted through the day, then come home and waited to fall asleep. Trust me, I'd much rather get on with my life, and accomplish something meaningful, but I'd say if I haven't even found an inkling of happiness, not even a lessening of the pain in 4 years, I won't in the future.

>>17918316
Oh they did love me very much, as I did them. But as far as their memory or love, the only thing left of them are two corpses in the ground at the cemetery in Winnsboro. One could counter that with part of them lives on in me through memories of them, but that's exactly what they are. Memories. I don't believe in any sort of afterlife or religion, so it's not like I'll ever meet them again and be like hey check out what I accomplished in your memory.

Like I said in my original post, the good part of life is over, now it's just a wait till the end, be it at my own hand or 60 years from now.

>>17918357
I'm atheist, but don't be so negative. Life sucks, look I'm poor, My family broke when i was a teenager, I was raped many times when i was a kid, sometimes I couldn't go out because of threads in my neighbor. But I decided to move on, because if I continued to hitting myself I'd never achieve anything in life. Now I'm broke, I have debts as fuck, possibly within a month I will not have a place to live even meals. So when I say you can go on, trust me you can. But if you not have the desire to overcome, anything, even weak thing will fighting off you.

>>17918335
Just keep on trying. Even if you're not spiritual, you can find meaning in aiding others as a volunteer.
Or you could try becoming spiritual, maybe atheism isn't for you.

I wish I could find some actual advice instead of people just telling me I am wrong.

I also forgot to mention that I have semi-severe epilepsy (~1 grand mal seizure a month). Had it since I was 8, and 16 years and countless medicines later have had no effect. Always fun to wake up on the ground once a month with pissed pants wherever I am at the time.

Oh well. I'll figure out how to do it on my own then. It has been nice knowing /adv/, /b/, /soc/, /r9k/, and any other boards I've been a denizen of over the years.

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Better days, sweetheart. God bless you.

>>17918446
I honestly find it hard to believe you actually tried all of that and saw no improvement at all.
I'm almost inclined to believe you're trolling us.
If you're not happy with what everyone else tells you, go into an irc with like-minded people. Maybe they'll tell you something you like.

Anyway, do what you want.
Do it right and take some shotgun mouthwash.

Get ready for a massive wave of "Ohh try and feel better!" That's all anyone really is going to be able to tell ya.
I've been doing the same fucking thing since 1997. That feeling you've lost, it never really comes back.
From what I've seen, there will be small sections where you'll feel "alive" again. so, you'd better get used to the listless black depression and enjoy the small hours. There is no going "Back",