Hey guys. I'm a 27 years old male and she's 23. We've

>>17890187
Then these doubts would disappear and I would find myself again laying in my bed and staring at her photos for hours and wishing she was there.

But as soon as I grew confident in my feelings, those doubts would hit me again, only stronger and followed by even more guilt. One day I would be all over her, the next I would be thinking of breaking up. I just couldn't understand why my feelings would change so quickly one day from the next.

I mean. She's the sweetest girl I've known. On paper she's perfect. She's kind, caring, funny, we don't argue and she really appreciates me. We have similar interests and really enjoy the company of each other. The more time we spend together the more she is into me. Yet when I'm alone something changes and I keep thinking how it's my first relationship and it's bound to fail. How I should be dating other people and not diving into something serious. How I'm just going to hurt her and how I keep noticing her physical flaws and not finding her perfect.

After we came back from our trip abroad these doubts disappeared. I thought they were caused by the stress of having to arrange everything, not having any time for myself and being overloaded with work. I thought I was finally sure about her and one night I talked to her about becoming official.

>>17890194
We went to a party together and I've met a ton of her friends. They were all really happy for us and kept on complimenting us on how great we look together. But I got really scared and overwhelmed.

Since then, these thoughts came back with a vengeance. I can't sleep, I feel guilt and I'm terrified of facing her. One moment I find her beautiful and one moment I find her repulsive. I feel sluggish and tired almost as if my depression is coming back. It's affecting my work and saps all my energy. I keep thinking of breaking up with her but at the same time I don't want to lose her. She did absolutely nothing wrong and I want to love her but I can't.

What the hell do I do? We are both away for Christmas and won't see each other for a week. Should I just break it off, even though I just asked her to be my girlfriend? Should I wait it out in hopes that it's just my depression coming back. She has exams coming up soon and I don't want to hurt her now because she can be a bit fragile herself.

Also, did anyone experience similar thoughts? I once suspected I had a BDD and how I perceive her mimics how I felt about myself in the past.

Sorry for this wall of text but this whole situation is fucking with my head and I didn't know how to summarise it in a few words.

>>17890187
OP, if I could hazard a guess, you may be subconsciously afraid to bond. You might be feeling that saying "this is it" and going official is going to ruin all the chances you might have to find a better girl in the future.

If that is the case, do dump her, because then you are too immature for a nice girl like she seems to be. You know, decisions are a part of being a grownup, and living with them is a part of being responsible. And no, if you are standing in the middle of the meadow in Springtime, the grass ain't greener elsewhere.

stick with it for a but and try to chill out. Give it another few weeks

>>17890604
Thanks for the reply. I wondered if that's the case. Things were absolutely fantastic at first, but it seems like whenever we do something that pushes the relationship further (meeting her friends, talking about becoming official, talking about some plans for the future) the doubts begin to set in. I never had any relationships before, so it could be that my fears are normal but my mind is blowing them out of proportion.

I have nothing to compare this relationship to and I have never been so intimate with a girl before. So I'm starting to see the real person and there are times when she's sick, tired or just not looking her best and whenever I notice that, I begin to obsess that I must be not attracted to her at all and that all the feelings I had for her must have been fake.

I know these thoughts are not rational. I try to tell myself that all these hot women I see on the streets, have their bad days, bad angles, imperfections and might look completely different without makeup. But sadly it's not helping.

I considered myself to be fairly mature, but it seems that due to years of loneliness I must hold a very idealized version of love and my perfect girl. I realize that it's quite possible that no girl out there could match it. I spent years watching porn, movies and TV and that could have ruined my perception of what love and being with a real woman should be like.

I can't put into words what a sweet girl she is. She never made fun out of my experience and keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry about it. She constantly reassures me, brings me little gifts, introduces me to new places and things she likes. Due to my work, I was extremely lonely prior to meeting her and she changed my life for the better. I'm extremely grateful to her.

>>17890187
Rest assured Anon i have the same thing it's called fear of bonding. I get it too, when things go great i start to get those exact same thoughts and also little things i start to notice about her that annoy me, and I get random thoughts like "she is so annoying" and "could i hold on liking her for a while?" but they're all bc of that fear. It gets a little worse the closer you get to becoming an actual couple but it will go away when you are one very soon. Idk why it happens but its a thing few people get. You truly need to power through it and it will get better, I assure you!! keep it going!!

Also i refrain from telling them always bc its a terrible thing to hear.

>>17890991
contd.

There were times when I felt truly in love with her. But every time my feelings subside even for a tiny bit, the doubts begin to set in. That I'm merely faking it all, that I'm settling, that I'm only half-happy and there must be someone perfect out there for me and her that will satisfy all of our needs.

I keep going back and forth, between feeling in love with her and thinking I would be doing her a favor if I left her and let her find someone who can appreciate her 100% of time. I can't understand why and it's putting a ton of stress on me right now.

>>17891007
Please google fear of bonding because this is textbook it.

>>17890666
>>17891003

Thanks guys. I don't want to make any rash decisions right now and as much as I think about breaking it off I don't think I have the will or courage to actually do it. I have a history of depression, but the last episode I had was years ago and I thought I was over that. But I fear that the stress of entering into this new relationship could have caused it to manifest again. So for now, I don't think it would be wise of me to make any decisions that will affect me long term.

But something that keeps biting at me, is that these feelings will not go away with time. That they will persist and the longer we're together, the more I will hurt her when I reach the breaking point.

>>17891023

Thank you, I will look into it.
I was also considering counseling as I suspect this could be OCD related. I was never diagnosed with one, but I suspected it in the past and what I'm feeling right now sounds a lot like ROCD. My feelings and attraction for her can literally go 180 degrees for now apparent reason and that's clearly not rational.

you got bored of her. this why traditionally sex occurs after marriage. it's so that you won't develop the poke and run mentality.

You've had your first taste of sex and now you want to go have more of it, don't make this mistake, you're too fucking old to go play fuck around and you need to start having kids before its too late. Every person I know that has had the same feelings as you made that mistake and it took them years to feel good again.

>>17891086
>>17891090

There's some of that too. Before we got together, I've only been on a few dates and all of them happened in the last year. She's been my first kiss, my first romantic hug, my first walk in the park while holding hands and so on.
There's this doubt whether my first relationship could really work out long term. I don't know what do I need from a relationship because I have no comparison. Naturally I'm curious, if being with other women (not just sexually) would be better or worse and it's eating me away.

Also, I'm very scared of being in a relationship that is less than perfect. My parents got into exactly that. They married at a young age and in my youth they were constantly fighting and were miserable around one another. I think my father cheated on my mother at some point (due to conversations I overheard) but I never asked for the details.

So naturally, I'm terrified of forming a relationship with the first girl I had sex with. Something about it feels too convenient and unreal. Part of me is really happy with her, while the other part believes I should have a string of failed relationships in order to find the person that I truly need.

>>17891124
Why would anyone wish for a string of failed relationships?

How about a string of successful relationships that ends on equal and respectful terms, over wanting to seek out new oportunities? Date someone who you want to develop things with, and then date them less when you find someone more compatible or more to your liking, until you don't date them anymore. This shit doesn't need to be so goddamn dramatic

>>17891124
Hey OP, your story sounds really similiar to mine. Where are you from?

>>17891523

You're absolutely right. Obviously I don't want any drama and when I think of this as a short term relationship that ends with us being friends, or on respectful terms I feel much more confident.

I think somewhere deep down, I see all short term relationships as failures. All the relationships that my friends had ended up in heartbreak, with both parties hating each other.

At this point in time, I don't see a long term future for us. We've dated for less than two months and there's too many unknowns for me. And whenever I think about that, I start to imagine that one day she will hate me and I get terrified. But if we could be happy for a while and eventually go our own ways as better people then I would be more than happy to continue.

>>17891535

I'm Polish. Why do you ask anon?

>>17891023
>fear of bonding
not the OP, but I wish I had known about this before...
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear_of_intimacy
>It often results from past traumas such as rape or childhood sexual abuse.
:(

I've been thinking the whole day about this and I started to believe that the stress of forming a new relationship and dealing with all kinds of new thoughts and experiences made my depression come back in full force. I think I will need to see the shrink to help me work out what's really going on in my head and possibly get back on the meds again.

At the same time, I think it would be better if I broke it off. She's a great girl and she doesn't deserve to deal with someone whose feelings of attraction and love fluctuate on a daily basis. I can't possibly expect her to be there to support me if I don't even know if I can truly love her back in return. She's a loveable girl and has a large circle of friends so I'm sure she would find someone who can truly appreciate her soon. If she knew what kind of doubts I have about her and this relationship she would probably hate me anyway and she would be right to do so. I was doing much better when I was alone. So it might be better off for me too, even if I don't regret a single moment we spent together.

>>17890187
This is nothing more than a simple case of "the grass is always greener on the otherside" appreciate what you have op, I'd love to have a relationship with a girl who took my virginity, don't fuck this up m8. Especially if she has done nothing wrong to make you want to break up

>>17893170

Or should I talk to her about it all first? Obviously I can't mention the attraction issue, but I could tell her about going back and forth between love and apathy. I feel like she deserves to know what's going on before I decide anything.

>>17893180

There's absolutely some of that and she had done absolutely nothing wrong. All the time we spent together was fantastic and she was nothing but kind and caring towards me.
I really hoped that I was just anxious and that these doubts would just go away. But instead I've become obsessed with them to the point where I don't know what's real anymore.

There are obviously some unresolved issues that I will need to deal with. Over the past few years I've turned my life around. I've become successful, handsome and more sociable. I thought I was finally ready to start dating. But it seems that all this stuff was just dormant and came back to haunt me. I would love to try and make it a relationship we both could be happy in. But I don't know if it's right to make her participate in this, knowing that she could be with someone who could truly make her happy.