How do you feel about dating someone you don't see yourself

So what's the point on continue seeing them? It doesn't make sense to me.

>>17882958
What if you enjoy spending time with them but there's probably someone better for you out there?

it depends on the definition of future.

I met a girl who was in town only til the end of summer, so we only had 4 months to date. but she was one of the better girls i had ever met so i went for it.

i personally don't see myself ever getting married, but even when i did, i didn't think about it too much. if i liked someone and we were having fun, why not just have fun. when its time to move on, you'll know.

i tend to date in 3 month cycles or less.

>>17882971
3 month cycles...
Doesn't that mean you're having to go through a painful breakup 4 times a year?
How do the relationships usually end?
Why don't they last?

>>17882966
There will be always someone out there, but you cannont asure yourself that will find someone better. You can maybe find only worse people.
Maybe you like spending time but you don't like this person so much, which is absolutely fine, but seems like if you can't plan things you would like to do with them in the future...of course it depends on your and the other person's intentions, but it seems like you're only wasting their time.

>>17882950
As long you both see it that way and are open about it, I don't see any issues with it.

>>17882950
You should extent the courtesy of letting them know you're likely not in the relationship for the long haul. That way, the likely breakup is easy on both of you, and not just you, since you both kinda expected a breakup to happen.

>>17882978

>painful break up

sometimes its painful for them but honestly if you're that invested in someone after only 3 months you might want to reflect on why. i get that everyones different, but in three months you dont have that much time to truly bodn with someone. you dont have time to face hardship or get to know who they are beneath the surface, at least not much.

is it 'painful' if a friend leaves you after only 3 months? sad, sure, but painful?

>how do the relationships usually end

usually they fade out, its pretty common in here, but sometimes i got to put my foot down and say 'hey this is the end of the road, iom sorry but this isn't working'. recently had to do that and it was harder than usual cuz they wouldn't take no for an answer. sometimes they actually break up with me, last time that happened i wasn't quite ready for it, but it was no big deal.

>why don't they last?

as a general rule they arent very special, to me i mean. most people are only dating the ifrst person to say 'yes' to them instead of someone they actually developed feelings for. we live in a society that works oddly like archaic old societies.

where you make a commitment first made off of simple imperssions, then try to fall in love after the fact.

i just go in knowing they probably arent going to be long term. because how can you know someones going to be long term until you actually get to know them?

for the most part they dont last simply because i dont want them to. sometimes its because they dont want them to. often its kind of mutual, we see each other, we get along, then we fade out as we do our own thing. i almost always break up with someone as soon as an extensive film project comes up cuz its borderline impossible to actually keep them in my life when im working. if i have a two week film project im doing literally nothing but filming for two weeks. and they're often much longer than that.

>>17882985

thats a pretty weird thing to talk about before you REALLY get to know someone though.

whats wrong with dating for a few months, getting to know them and then once you know its not going anywhere, be honest?

>>17882950
I don't really think about it. I love my girlfriend and enjoy every day with her (3 years) and don't see a future with her but today's fine. But what if today is fine for the rest of my life? I dont see a future but I can't predict the future. It makes it completely pointless to even think about it so I put it away.

Plus on close analysis I realize it's just because I kind of want to funk other girls and I love new romance (like anyone else). But I'm experienced enough in dating hookups and flings to know it all ends the same place. Back to same normalcy with nothing new to show. It's also pointless.

Nah I'm good with my female drinking buddy and domestic partner. No need to worry.

>>17882979
Yeah, I get that, but I don't want to use that logic to settle for someone I'm unsatisfied with... In my experience that leads to hard breakups, divorces and cheating.

I do buy your "wasting time" argument, and agree with it, but the opposite side of that is that we're both lonely and that our time spent together is mutually beneficial... but I guess that's a matter of perspective.

>>17882983
>>17882985
How do you do that? I've never heard about... what is this, medium-term relationships?
Hookups I know of, and personally I've only been in relationships that have lasted more than 9 months but if you tell someone you're not in the relationship for the long haul won't they just pack up and leave?

>>17882992
A few major letdowns like that are the reason why my brother has completely sworn off women who grew up in America. He now only dates Korean/Chinese girls who basically worship him for being white and will never leave their chance to have half white babies. Don't become a man's reason to swear off all entitled women like you just because you feel entitled to a secret trial period in your relationships.

>>17882992
When you say dating a few months, do you mean in an exclusive relationship, or just seeing eachother one-on-one regularly?

>>17882997
Can you blame them for packing up and leaving if you were planning on doing it anyway? You seem selfish if you think that you should be the only one to know the relationship will not be forever.

>>17882987
I think you and I think pretty similarly...

>I'm sorry but this isn't working
Are you telling the truth when you say this or are you just bored at that point?

>they aren't very special, to me
So what's your purpose in dating them? Cure a bit of loneliness, get some sex? And you bunnyhop because the variety is interesting?

>then we fade out as we do our own thing
So the relationship isn't that important to either of you huh... Do you think they generally match your motivations or are they a little different?

Also are you satisfied with your situation or a little depressed? Are you interested in finding a long-term relationship with someone great?

>>17882997
For it to work, it should be clear from the start. The feeling of enjoying time together but thinking there will be a better fitting option can be mutual. Basically FWB with emotional connection. If both of you manage it right, it'll turns into post-FWB friends once it's over.

>>17882992
Not at all. Just works better when both of you are older and know what you want instead of shit with kids where people talk about love and staying together forever after few months.

>>17883009

it differs from person to person. there aren't really any rules on this until they come up with them. generally speaking if they are being too strong with the rules, thats where ill be like 'i dont think this is gonna work' and duck out at that point.

>>17883004

im a dude, so how other men choose to react to me is none of my business.

that being said, if hes swearing off women becuase they arent going to stick with him once they realize how retarded he is, then thats his problem, not mine, and not womens.

just because you're interested in dating someone doesn't mean you have to go in iwt hthe intention of making it last forever.

maybe your BROTHER should be the one who comes forward and says 'im only going to date you if you agree to marry me now' instead of insisting everyone else is the problem.

its normal and natural to date someone and see what happens, then cut it off when its not gonna work

>>17883012
Exactly my point, but that anon was talking about going into a relationship with that kind of premise, I just can't quite wrap my head around how you would do that.

>>17883023
>maybe your BROTHER should be the one who comes forward and says 'im only going to date you if you agree to marry me now' instead of insisting everyone else is the problem.
Rekt.

>>17882950
future doesnt exist, idiot
start with the greeks

>>17883020
I'm sure it can be mutual, but common? I kind of doubt it. I feel like most people who aren't doing one-night-stand kind of stuff are looking for the dating->marriage plot line, and that bringing it up at the beginning would just end any chance at a relationship you had.

>>17883023
Hmm, what you say makes a lot of sense. I guess personally I find breakups to be an extremely painful experience and don't want to hurt anyone... but maybe that's just me having issues.

I guess it does make sense to date someone for a few months and break it off if you can't see it going long-term... but when do you know what that point is? If you're generally satisfied in your relationship but you don't feel like you're in love with that person, when do you pull the trigger on what probably appears to them to be a happy relationship?

if you're early twenties? sure why not. If you're pushing 30 or something, and assuming you eventually do want to find someone you want to spend a life with, then you're just wasting valuable time imo

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>>17882950
>How do you feel about dating someone you don't see yourself having a future with?

I don't think about shit like that but if I ever did i'd just knock down on what I think the problem is.

And you remind me that I remember a girl I tried to ask out gave me that excuse alongside "We barely know eachother" and in hindsight it just pisses me off that I let her get away with it then vehemently try to friendzone me

>>17883041
Well, wouldn't call it common but not that hard to find. Just gotta look for emotionally mature people, preferably with a college level education and goals in life beyond getting knocked up with babies in the next 5 years.

I am from Europe so maybe it's easier here, though when I was in Cali for couple months I met a chick who viewed it similarly too.

>>17882993
3 yearrrrs.
What's the reason for your not seeing a future?
Problems in her personality?
It kind of surprises me that you say you love her, but don't see a future... for me that'd be the only requirement. But maybe you mean it in a more endearing way?

>I kind of want to funk other girls
Is it kind of like you don't see a future with her because a future where she's the only girl you get to sleep with for the rest of your life is pretty scary/depressing?

How do you think she feels? Does she seem similarly content or do you think her feelings are stronger?

I was in the same situation as you for the last 2 years and I broke it off because while I enjoyed the time spent with her, I didn't feel 'in love' with her, and she had a bunch of issues that would make life difficult down the line (depression, lack of motivation for anything, terrible social anxiety, refusal to communicate her feelings).

I feel like there should be someone out there who I really click with and think "I'm happy to spend the rest of my life with this girl", but the longer it doesn't happen the harder it is to keep the faith...

>>17883019

>are you telling them the turth or just bored

the two aren't mutually exclusive. if you're bored its not working you can try to spice it up, but for the most part there is no reason to force somethign thats already going down hill.

>so what's the purpose of dating them?

cuz they are still 'special'. just not very special. im not much different from anyone else. i just dont delude myself into thinking i know whether or not im going to be 'in it for the long haul' with someone i dont know that well.

i get laid easily enough that i dont need to date. so much to the point that when im dating my sex is often less frequent than when im not. that brazilian girl i mentioned earlier, only in town for the summer. i think we had sexual activity like 10 times total, and i think i only actually fucked her 3 times out of that.

sex buddies are great, but its also nice to go to the movies, treat someone to dinner, dance with, write poetry about, recite poetry to.

you have to realize that there are more than two kinds of relationships. its not just 'platonic friends' or 'were in it til the end'.

cont...

>>17883019
>>17883089

and if you look at your ow nromantic history you'll find it to be true. you can care for someone and not want to spend the rest of your life with them. you can love soemone and know that its not as much as someone you loved before, or someone you'll love later.

the difference is i dont try to force the relationship once thos ethings become clear.

everyone else is serial dating as well. maybe not in 3 month cycles but everyones hopping around more than the previous generations.

and thats okay. were enjoying what were doing. if someones just looking for marriage, they're STILL getting something out of dating someone temporarily, cuz it lets them get the thrills and variance before tehy settle down for someone, and hopefully teaches them to settle down for someone special, not just hte first person who says 'sure' to a date.

>so the relationship isnt htat important to either of you huh

its a bit more complex than that. you have to remember they're all people so they all have different feelings on the relationship. no two are the same so no two relationships are the same. some find it unimportant. some were just having fun but the honeymoon ended. some just get busy.

idk where you live, but this is pretty common from what I've seen in los angeles.

>also are you satisfied with your situation or a little depressed?

i can honestly say im a happy person. I'm very fulfilled in life, though I'm fulfilled even when im not dating or not having sex. i get most of my fulfillment from my other erlationships (namely friends, my mentor, and sometimes even my family) and of course from what I do. Its hard to be depressed when you can do whatever you want. I could not imagine moving in with someone and just having to check in, i barely like keeping tabs on my dog.

i was depressed back when i used to date long term, but i dont think the two are netirely related. a lot of who i was back then was just wrong for me.

cont.

>>17883089
>>17883095
>>17883019


>interested in something long term.

twice in the last four years ive met a girl that made me think 'wow lets get married' right from the get go. obviously i didn't vocalize that, but they were people that i didnt know how long it would last but i was willing to find out.

three months in i might have got the same 'welp time to move on' feeling that i get with other girls, but i like to think i would have stuck it out longer. one of those girls in particular i still think about to tihs day and it makes me sad i couldn't get that to happen.

but unfortunately those two girls weren't interested in me for the long term. one of them didn't make it past the flirting stage.

so its hard to say where those would have gone. despite wishing i could find out, i can say im pretty peachy about where i am. life is really easy to enjoy as a whole. i dont really need soemone else to enjoy it with. to long term date, though i dont think the two are necessarily related. i was a very different person as a whole back then, and becoming more of an 'individual' rather than a 'single' is only part of what has worked to make me happy.


i realize im pretty inconsistent here but i think thats the point im trying to make with these long drawn out posts.

life is about doing what you want and reacting to what you like. im going to react completely differently to everyone i meet.

cuz at the end of the day THATS what makes relationships special. if you react to every girl you date the same way (by being in it for the 'long haul') than how can any of those girls be special in any way. you treat them just like all the other girls, yeah?

just my thoughts though. i dont have rules. i just do what feels right.

>>17883055

whenever its starting to damage the other person.

if they're clearing aiming for something serious, you can be like 'thats my cue to exit'. they still might be upset you only stuck with them for the honeymoon, but they're being only as selfish as you are by saying you want out after the honeymoon phase.

but as long as both parties are having fun and the other person isn't dropping hints its fine.

for instance, my last relationship, belgian girl, sweet girl, but not in town for long. it was casual an dfun but she started dropping hints of more serious. jokes about marriage, jokes about moving intogether. all way too soon by any ones standard i assure you, but she was on a fast time table because she msotly just wanted a greencard wedding.

this isn't to say she didn't genuinely like me, but its the fact that she did that made her willing to start talking about those things. she wnated to stay in america and even if ur not REALLY married, a greencard wedding can make that happen.

and i wouldnt mind green card marrying someone, but with her she just wasn't the kind of girl i see for long term. she was nice, but she didnt light my heart on fire. so i had to berak up with her even though i wanted to keep going, cuz i knew, at this point, that she wants something more serious.

up until she starts dropping hints, implying, or just having a serious talk about where its going, dont worry.

remember that everyone is out there getting what they want. its not your obligation to protect someone who likes you from dating you just because they are conditioned to believe you have to date until someone cheats or hits.

>>17883082
Hmm, yeah there's probably people out there.
Trouble is I'm not emotionally mature at all myself so I'm not sure we'd be a good match haha

What I really want is to find someone I really love, begin a relationship with them and have a happy ever after.
But I do realise that it's really hard to find that person and it takes time, and meanwhile I'm an attractive young guy wallowing in loneliness, but uninterested in casual sex. Girls come up who I like but can't see a future with and... well it's tempting to start a relationship with them, even though I know my motives are disingenuous and likely don't match theirs.

I had a wonderful relationship in my first year of university with a great girl, but I was honest with her and told her I "loved her but wasn't in love with her", and that I didn't plan on marrying her. The insecurity of that drove her crazy and ruined our relationship...
So I kept it to myself in my second relationship, which lasted much longer but when I finally summoned the courage to break it off in search of someone else she was really shocked and upset. I couldn't really tell her "I was never in love with you and never saw a future with her" could I?

So I've tried both ways, and they've both ended painfully. I guess I just don't know how to approach relationships anymore.

>>17883082

thats basically the life style here in california. people just dating. it helps that you have so many options that if you break up with someon etheres million more where that came from. but people here are focused on trying to make it in one field or another, they all moved here because of passion for something other than romance.

its hard to remember that in some places, they are taught that all that matters is getting married and having kids. that happiness doesn't really come from what you do, but rather just having someone to share life with.

weird concept for me, but its a thing.

>>17883127

>i want to find someone i really love, begin a relationship with and live happily ever after

the problem with that is you tend to project love onto whoever you date most of the time. ask most guys about who they're dating and they'll say ' i think she might be the one '. and they'll say that for every girl they date afterwards too.

you're obviously not that naive given the follow up to that.

>ive tried btoh ways, and they've both ended painfully

well yeah. you say that like everyone has relationships that DONT end painfully. at best an end is 'bittersweet' but theres still a pain to it. its natural. that doesn't make it wrong.

growing pains are a literal thing, but they're good. a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts, but its still oaky to be sad that its over and happy it happened.

>>17883088

It's equally complicated and simple. I traveled a lot did a lot and experienced a lot. I'm not used to stability. But I'm fine with stability now anyway.

She has glaring flaws but who doesn't? But like I said, the future is meaningless and the day to day is fine. So if day to day works forever, then I do have a future with her.

It's also an objective fact even science acknowledges. New love is the best feeling in the world. There is an insane cocktail of hormones and chemicals. It's been compared to an insane drug high by science itself. But the same scientists all know that long term relationships Co, etc with other chemicals that produce long term comfort and who can complain about sustainable contentedness?

It's just weird to think I'm giving up the "best thing ever" for her. And it's equally weird I don't entirely have a problem with it.

She actually has a lot of the problems your ex did and I nearly broke up with her for it. She's seeing a medical professional now though. She has hypothyroidism which explains a lot of her moods and is a one pill fix for a part of her that isn't even her brain. They're doing cut and trying other ways to help her. She is showing a noticeable real improvement.

Her feelings, she loves the ever living shit out of me.

>surprised I say I love her but don't see a future

That might be your problem. No relationship is perfect. No person is perfect. Lifelong marriages have rocky periods sometimes lasting YEARS but they stick it through.

That's life with or without a woman. You question and doubt. You question your career, education, you contemplate suicide, your purpose, everything.

But it all balances out eventually on its own, and sometimes you even find the problem was just your head. Or sometimes a doctor helps.

So yes I love her. Doesn't mean for a second I can't question it.

>>17883151
>they're doing cut

They're doing CBT.

I'm sorry my tablets autocorrect is absolutely atrocious.

>>17883159
Cock ball torture?

>>17883109
Wow, thanks for that in-depth discussion. I took a lot away from that.

The only point I don't really understand is the last one, about reacting to every girl the same way.
Are you saying that by trying to make a long-term relationship work with just any girl it belittles your relationship since it could have been anyone?
So you should treat each girl as more of a maybe, we'll see what happens and only try for the long-haul if she's really special to you?

Solid advice, thanks.

>>17883128
>people here are focused on trying to make it in one field or another, they all moved here because of passion for something other than romance.
Now that you mention it, it makes perfect sense, it didn't occur to me that clearly before. No wonder it was so easy getting along with people there and that the chick was so cool with not being the middle point of my life.

If not for the weather and the rents, I'd be almost tempted to move there permanently.

>>17883121
Nice way of putting it.

Unfortunately, in my last relationship, my girlfriend wouldn't communicate her feelings - I had no idea whether she was short term long term anything. I didn't want to bring it up either because I would have had to give my side of the story - short term. I eventually did break up with her after two years, and due to the severity of that it became apparent that she was looking for a lifelong partner.

I guess that's really more an issue of communication in the end though.

Would you bring it up if you weren't sure what your partner was in it for?

Are you implying I actually have a relationship with someone

>>17883163

kinda.

right now we have this problem where a LOT of men are only with the girl they're with because she was the first one to say 'yes' to them. if he doesn't find a flaw in about, 3 dates, he'll stick with her for a long time, project love onto the relationsihp, and then when things start to show their cracks he'll wonder what went wrong, why isn't this working... not remembering that the relationship never had anything to do with real feelings. a lot of men are excited just to be on a date, where they should only be excited to date someone special. they got it backwards, and its a faulty system.

so in a way, it belittles everyone when you try to force something to work even though there's obvious signs after the honeymoon phase that its just not meant to be.

the honeymoon phase should be you trying to discover if the person is worthy of love, not saying 'well were still together, so i gotta stick with it'.

most people will complain about wanting to break up for months or years but refuse to do it until their partner does something blatantly wrong like cheating. because they rationalize that they HAVE to try and make it worse or their a bad guy.

>>17883164

its a nice place and msot people here are happy just to date someone at all. in a flyover state people dont understand that you can have fun just being with someone nice for a little while.

people in cali are more prone to just want to get to know you and enjoy that experience without it going on forever.

but people in other places rationalize saying they can only have sex with you if its definitely a long term thing, or if theres no emotion at all. they cant wrap their mind around liking someone but not being 'endgame' with them.

>>17883176

id keep at it. you are not responsible for other people, even if they secretly believe you to be. everyone dates. everyone has break ups. you are not selfish ust because MAYBE your views dont line up.

>>17883135
That's pretty funny, do guys really say that? Sounds like a skit from a B-grade comedy show. The last time I felt like I really loved someone was when I was 17 with hormones rushing through my veins. Now I'm 23 and I haven't felt such strong emotions for a couple of years... Pretty insecure about not being able to feel "in love" with someone again actually.

>you say that like everyone has relationships that DONT end painfully
Ughhhh
I guess it's just something I really want to avoid since it's one of the most painful experiences.
I have one of those personality types where I want everyone to like me and can't stand the thought of someone hating me, so having someone hate me and having a fairly good reason to do so is... the worst.

>>17883195

there is no better reason then 'im sorry but its not going to work out'.

its far more cruel to keep them going indefinitely, and wastes both your time.

>>17883151
>She has glaring flaws
Ah, but it sounds like you're willing to accept those flaws and it doesn't bother you that much? I felt the same way, I didn't care too much but at the same time I was kind of like why her? I could spend a lot of time helping her overcome those problems and grow with her as a person, but I could just as easily date another girl and work on her problems instead. I guess while I liked her, I didn't see her as particularly special, though maybe that was just the relationship wearing on coupled with you-don't-know-what-you've-got-til-it's-gone.
But it seems like you really care about her in particular, so it seems like you're in a better place. That kind of feeling is what I want to find.

>New love is the best feeling in the world
This is exaggeration right? Better than sex? I think if it was true that'd be really great, I feel like if everyone was dating for a few months instead of having a bunch of one-night-stands they'd be more emotionally fulfilled. But that's just my bias.

>You question and doubt
Do I fucking ever.
I'm aware that most relationships aren't perfect, but I do know some are closer than others. I want to find someone who fits close enough to my ideal that I'm willing to say yep, she's my girl, but I also worry that my perfectionist will cause me to end up alone at an old age with noone even close to what I want is still single...

>>17882966

That's called friendship, dilweed.

>>17883187
So much logic, I can't believe I never thought of it that way. When you say it like that the norm seems completely fucking retarded. Guys fantasising about catching their girlfriend/wife cheating so they can break it off guilt-free... though I guess that's a fear of conflict and loneliness as much and societal beliefs.

That said, I do think plenty of people do wait a long time and go into relationships with people they genuinely care about and break up when it doesn't work out.

By the way with your ~3 month paradigm, did you ever break up with a girl very early into the relationship?

>>17883207
Do you really consider that time wasted though?
You enjoyed the time you spent together, and have happy memories.
They'll be tainted with melancholy after the breakup but they were fun experiences while you were together, no?

>>17883258

if its that early i woudnt say its a break up so much as breaking off a fling at that point. but yeah 3 months is my max really.

>>17883262

there are very few relationsihps i look back on and think they were a waste of time. really the longer relationsihps are the ones i consider wasted time cuz i spent so much time suffering through them to 'make them work' when really they were already ove.r

everyone is different though. im just not built for long term romance. it sounds cringy but im a free spirit, i love to just get up and do whatever i want without regard to someone else. the thought of having to just check in makes me feel sad.