I think of myself as of a rational human being. From what I learned

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I think of myself as of a rational human being. From what I learned I think I have depressions. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. It all started in elementary school, where I was bullied for couple a months before I fought back the bully. I maybe didn't realise it before, but now I see the roots there. I was just a regular kid but since then I started doubting myself, thinking of myself as an inferior one, always uglier than the rest, a loner a renegade. Since I was thirteen I grasped on a thought that because this I won't be able to achieve anything and I became lazy. I don't trust people. I don't know if they are being sincere to me or if they are just mocking me. Never really had friends till this year. At the start of it I met a girl, the best friend I ever had. A girl that I still love, but she is lesbian. Had some of the best times of my life with her, but I feel like it's fading away and I'm noticing that the loneliness is crawling back into my life again. I was the happiest man on earth, just until december fucked things up like it usually does.

I don't know. I guess the main question is how to get rid of the internal feel of emptiness. I feel hollow inside, sometimes I don't really mind, I free myself of all the things and wind up in an almost zen state of featherlight mind. But I can't control this, it happens randomly. Just whatever I try to do, I feel that the nothingness is eating me from the inside.

I wish we all could be happy.