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Alright, i need help.
TL;DR: How do i know if i love someone?
First of all i'm a femanon.
Ever since i'm 10 i know a girl. She is honestly a weird person, socially withdrawn and running away from her problems. She is 19 now but still won't dare to disobey her parents.
We were always close friends, though we live like 2h away from eachother. She barely ever is allowed to go and see me, but we have some traditions, like i always visit her for new year's eve, and she visits me during summer.
She was with me trough some rough times, like my father abusing me, or my parent's divorce. Our friendship went trough many men who would abuse me, as i used to be a very easy to manipulate. In the end, she would usually make me chose between our friendship and the men.
I would always chose her.
I was never close to anyone. She is the only person aside from my family i know for more than 3 years. Depsite my family being a very loving one(i was like 12 when my father got abusive, and everything was sweet up until then) i never was close to my partents or sister. I didn't shed a single tear on my grandmother's funeral - not because i was playin tough, but because i just didn't feel anything.
I was getting together with many men, my longest relationship lasting a year, the shortest ending after two weeks. Some men were abusive towards me. Sometimes i was just toying with them.
Will cont.
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>>17869565
Ever since i was 15 i would dream about her once in a while. those dreams would usually be romantic to an extent, never lewd, but sometimes would wake me up crying. It happens very rarely, but it never stopped. I just ignored it.
In the country i live in, same gender relationships are not really tolerated. You can't legally marry, and the entire society will look down at you, or even you might end up being beaten for being gay. Aside from that, she was never in relationship, denying the only person who asked her for one, and then never contacting her again. I always wondered whether i am in love with her or not, and at those rare times i thought i may be, i ended up not telling her.
Sometimes i end up unable to think of any other person for weks or even months, often ending my reationships because of that. Sometimes we would have a quarrel and stop talking for a long time, but we would always go back to being friends again.
As of now i have a boyfriend. He looks very similar to her(she has a boyish look), and behaves in a similar way. Sadly, i just lost all i ever felt for him after 3 months of a relationship. I don't hate him, i just consider him a typical friend i would ocasionally play games with, and it annoys me alot when he wants me to spend time with him. I'm seeing both of them this month, and i'm not sure if i shouldn't use this as an ocassion to get this all of my chest.
Need one more, sorry, I'm messed up recently.
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>>17869586
The point is, i don't know if i love her. Hell, i don't even know if i love him. All i know is this hype when hetting together with someone, but it just fades away slowly. It sometimes feels like more of a steady feeling, but it goes away eventually. It always does. the only cases where i stay with someone for a longer period is either because i gain something from it, or because i feel obligated to be with them. I don't know if my periods of feeling things for her aren't just random hype spikes. I can't afford losing a friend like her.
How do i know if i love someone? I honestly don't know. Maybe i'm autistic, i don't care. I don't think i ever loved anyone in my entire life, my family included. Or is love an unnoticable feeling? How do i know? Do i love her? Am i just using the men as a replacement of this girl?
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You mistake very close friendship for romantic love, gal.
Count yourself lucky though. Not many have that.
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>>17869852
What is the difference then? How does romantic love feel like?
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>>17869868
Usually it would be accompanied with sexual desire as well. Do you have the hots for your friend?
If not it its very unlikely you "love" her. The 2 things can happen separately, but not often.
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>>17869881
I did have some sexual desires towards her, but i always ended up pushing them away. She claims to be asexual anyway.
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>>17869908
Also, few days ago she mentioned she has never had a crush in her entire life.
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>>17869908
OP, you are from now on, required to fall in love with this white box. If you do not fall in love with this white box, everyone will hate you for the rest of your life.
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>Dear 4chan,
>
>do I love "person"?
>
>
>Your truly
>OP
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>>17869946
I belive it's a reference to the fact people are homophobic here? I don't really care about social opinion, but i know she does, and so do her parents.
>>17869960
I am legitimately unable to tell as i have probably only experienced affection in my life.
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>>17869565
You've got a girl-crush. It is so common among teenage girls that it hardly worth mentioning. (Guys get them too, but less often because of guy phobias about being gay).
I'll bore you with the psychological explanation. Among the many physical and emotional changes of puberty are two that feed off each other. You begin to make your first real emotional forays outside your family, looking for friends, boyfriends, secret clubs to belong to, and the like. And you begin to have sexual feelings. It is almost inevitable that they would get jumbled, and that a really close emotional dependency on a friend would develop the intensity of a sexual romance, even without any overt sexual content. And thus the girl-crush.
You don't say your age, but I'll guess late teens. That's about the time the intensity should begin to subside, and you'll settle into more quietly friendly feelings toward her.
Relax. You are so perfectly normal to be almost a cliche. Nothing bad is happening.
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>>17871158
I'm 20 right now. I have always considered myself bisexual but i never ended up with a girl because it's hard to find gay women who aren't tumblr tier teenagers who just want to rebel to everything.
I have no emotions towards my family. I moved out as soon as i could afford it and lived by myself ever since. They keep inviting me to come over but i rarely ever do, and when i do it's only because i feel like i may end up with them getting angry over me declining all of their invites, not because i feel like seeing them. I usually see them like once ever two months.
With my boyfriends it's all the same, after the initial excitement i end up seeing them like once a week or even less often. I only care about sex during the initial excitement, and my libido is slowly dying, i end up with a person i have nothing to do with.
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>>17869565
>Sometimes i was just toying with them.
Fuck off.
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>>17871241
If this makes it more fair they often were too.
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>>17871244
>A random stranger once beat me up for no reason, so I sometimes beat up random strangers for no reason.
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>>17871251
Doesn't that make it fair?
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>>17871266
>Person A hurt me once.
>Therefore it is fair for me to hurt Person B and Person C.
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>>17871269
If A is allowed to hurt people, why wouldn't i?
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>>17871308
I can see you learned from your parents. This is why I never date women with bad family history.
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>>17871349
Obviously i did learn from my parents, that's how human mind works.
Also, noone is making you date me.
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