my bf has snooped trough my mails and found messages from a very

What was the content of the messages? Be specific or we can't help

>>17868604
extremely unfortunately, the first message he has read was him telling me "i love you". context here is that i have known him before i met my bf and since we are very close and care about each other deeply, we used to say that to each other. i told him to not say it anymore after i was in a relationship but he just said it out of the blue...
the rest of the messages wasn't much better either.
it was just some random "what are we up to" stuff but i also asked him for advice for something concerning my relationship , i also told him about an argument i have had with my bf.
he has sent me an update on a girl he is seeing lately, which included pretty detailed infos about the sex they had.
the worst part, however, was that we talked about how it would be nive to once meet irl and i said yes, i would want to know if we could talk like we do face to face too.
i actually haven't had any intentions to meet up, but i said that nonetheless and he has read it.
i'm so stupid i want to slap myself...

>>17868630
when i asked him, my bf said the prt that hurt him the most was me talking about stuff concerning him with my friend instead of him... which i can totally understand. god damnit

>Once a girl feels like that she's yours. You're a bit different, since I think you really did the seducing. I'm yours after all. Funny how that works lol. I don't really care to label it but there is a deep bond here that is more than attraction. I'd call it friendship at first but its more like that feeling of comfort you feel around someone you've had sex with. Like someone you loved that you had sex with. Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about, but I feel like your heart is always exposed to me and you trust me with anything. I trust you. Probably the only person I do really. I feel like you are someone that actually processes the shit I say instead of looking at it and spouting garbage back at me that adds nothing to the conversation.

oh god. this is a lot worse than i tought. i am so royaly fucked...

>>17868658
i'm going trough the messages he has read and my heart is pounding like it is going to explode. i can only imagine what he went trough when he was reading this. what the hell do i do now?

OP you really fucked up I have no idea if you can recover if you were my girl I'd be gone and never come back but maybe your bf is nicer than I am

>>17868678
i am aware. my god, i am very aware. is there absolutely nothing that i can do that would make things better even the tiniest bit?

>>17868662
Well first of all, really analyze this and figure out if you do have feelings for this other guy. Where I'm standing it seems like you do. From there either figure out who you wanna be with or assure your boyfriend there's nothing between you two and offer to cut contact/ give him your passwords so he can keep an eye on it. Otherwise it all depends how much he trusts you, I personally would if I were him give an ultimatum because that kind of closeness inevitably resolves into feelings. I should know since ATM I'm that other guy. >>17868662

>>17868595
>very close (male) friend
>i love you
kek if he stays with you he's probably gonna get you to take a lot of black dicks later on, be prepared.

>>17868687
What makes you think OPs bf would want her taking black dicks where did you get that from?

>>17868693
He's calling him a cuck.

>>17868698
As it turns out I'm retarded and conpletely missed the joke

>>17868685
Basically this

You obviously have some intimate feelings towards the other guy. Everyone has fallen for more than one person before. The trick is maintaining healthy boundaries and figuring out which one you really want to be with. It sounds like you've taken for granted what you already have.

>>17868685
>>17868685
admitedly, we have crossed some boundaries in the past, but we (friend and i) were aware of it and we agreed to not cut contact because of it but try to work on being able to keep inside the boundaries because we felt like this is something we both need to learn and because we were both helping each other out a lot by lending an open and non-judgemental ear.
there are no romantic feelings whatsoever. ofc, i can only truly speak for myself, but we have talked about this very openly and i don't think my friend lied to me. i know what i want. i want my bf. there is no second tought. i already sent my friend a "i will never message you again because of what happened" mail and this is final.
my bf already has all my passwords and i never really hide anything from him. that's why he stumbled across the mails... he wasn't snooping for the sake of snooping. he had forgot his phone and wanted to google something and the mail app was still open and the first message was that "i love you", so he obviously took a look.
i just want to vanish. this is bad

>>17868707
i realized that i really took things for granted. i hope i'll get a second chance and i also hope i will not slip back into taking things for granted ever again...

also, should i send my bf the screenshots of the message i sent my friend to "proove i cut contact" or is that extremely stupid and will only cause more hurt?

i can't think straight anymore

>>17868739
Here's the thing, you cant agree to not have feelings for each other, they just happen regardless. Granted I don't know either of you so you're more of a judge of it than I am. All I know is there's a certain line of intimacy between a guy and a girl that when crossed usually leads to feelings in one of the 2 people if not both. You're the best judge of what's up but just reflect on it.

As for your bf you've done all you can, ball is in his court now.

>>17868766
It wouldn't hurt, just present it as a way to show you're really dedicated to him, not in a 'see problem's fixed' way.

>>17868595
>there are no romantic feelings, but to someone reading trough them, it might seem like it.

Yeah right you slag. You're just in very weak denial about keeping Male Friend as a back up plan in case your main interest falls through.

>>17868776
i know that my friend once had a flare of feels. but that was a long time ago and in the meantime we went no contact for longer periods, he had a gf, and so on. he also said his feeling for me have definitely changed into something more wholesome.

writing that out, it seems obvious how stupid i was for believing all this. what have i done...

>>17868784
i've sent this:
>this will be my last goodbye.

my bf saw your messages and he was very hurt. it was awful. i feel like a monster. i probably am...

i promised him to cut contact with you and i will keep that promise.

i'll miss talking to you but i realized that i should talk about the things i talk with you with him instead...

i'm afraid i damaged his trust deeply and i can only hope time will make things right again.

i will always cherish what you have done for me. i learned a lot from you and you saved me more than once.

i hope you will find whatever it is you need.

will this reasure or further hurt my bf? i want to be able to DO somethig to show him i was telling the truth... i feel very helpless

>>17868812
yeah, i am also aware that i am a sad attention whore. but my friend is aware of that too. we've discussed this topic up and down. that's why i tought it would do me good to try to etablish a friendship with a guy. i know i slipped up a few times into the "gimme your attention" realm. but i have learned to have much better selfcontrole and develope an actual friendship thanks to his patience withy my idiotic behaviours.

>>17868812
dude read this >>17868658
>deep bond
>you did the seducing
>I'm yours
>sex
>sex

If her bf is ok with this from a "very close male friend" he's probably already fucking some other chick.
Yep that's my bet.

>>17868819
Well I guess we've established the guy has feelings for you...

Idk why women do this, they think if we have feelings for them they can just say no leave us alone for a couple weeks and poof no more feelings. Doesn't work that way, whatever attracted him to you in the first place is still there.

>>17868833

I hope that no matter what happens, this consequence is enough to snap you out of it. Most people don't have these sorts of intimate friendships with the opposite sex when they get a partner - because even subconsciously, they realise that it is literally asking for trouble.

>>17868841
i don't know what he meant by "you did the seducing". i wasn't aware i did that... (he was referring to much earlier).

i'm pretty sure my bf isn't fucking other chicks. and he's not ok with it. i told him i will cut contact but he said if he means so much to me, i shouldn't, but a bit later he said yes, it would be a relieve if i cut contact.

>>17868854
riiight, lol

>>17868854
>i told him i will cut contact but he said if he means so much to me, i shouldn't, but a bit later he said yes, it would be a relieve if i cut contact.

That is because he sounds like a good person. He will feel guilty (if he accepts you back - and he might change his mind when he has processed it more, if he has said it's okay right now) but you need to let him know that he should NOT feel guilty, he is NOT wrong to feel that way and that your moral values - if this is the case - aren't actually out of line with his.

He's probably not going to be ok with it, well not if he has self respect anyway. You have been having an emotional affair with this other guy, you aren't even married and hopefully don't have kids - he'd be smart to cut his losses and start with someone new, no offence.

>>17868849
i tought it was just those "i want to stick my penis inside you" kind of feelings that guys usually get, whenever they have closer female contact. i don't take them very serious since i assume that ia the dick talking and it will shut up again when the brain snaps back into controle again, which i assumed would be the case if a real friendship was etablished. which again, sounds rather foolish if i think about it now.

>>17868851
i knew it was risky. i don't know why i didn't end this a lot sooner... i once had no contact for a long time, but he texted me again and i needed someone to talk so i responded.

>>17868866
i did that. i said i should have cut contact long ago and that it is the only right thing to do.


is there any way to recover a relationship from an emotional affair?

>>17868858
what did i say that's so funny?

>>17868881
>is there any way to recover a relationship from an emotional affair?

In my opinion no. There are ways to recover and improve as an individual, and I'm sure some people will say they have recovered and are even stronger after an affair (physical or emotional), but that's really down to the individual and in my opinion it would eat away at most people forever.

Not saying that to be cruel just my opinion.

OP, you're a fucking moron and no amount of self-deprecating will make this situation better.

You only regret this relationship after being found out. Ya done fucked up because you wanted your cake and to eat it too.

>>17868896
what is it that eats away at them forever? i know it hurt him alot that i have talked to my friend about issues instead of turning to him. i tried to explain to him, why i did that and i promised to come to him int the future if i need to talk about something.

the truth might be very cruel. i am so scared i fucked this up with no way to recover. i wish there was a way...

>>17868902
that's not entirely true. i have felt guilty about it long before. i've cut contact before but fell back into old habit again. i knew i should end this asap but didn't. i am a moron, yes. but it's not true that i only feel guilty i have been found out

i want to send a long apology to my bf but this might be the wrong moment. you think he needs space or hearing i'm sorry more? i mean, i told him i'm sorry. over and over... i feel like i will now suffocate him out of fear of losing him

That..Sounds awfully familiar to wot my GF did few weeks ago. Neverthless to say I beat her "Friend" and broke up with her.
Enjoy being a shity human being and denying that you kept your "Friend" as a backup plan incase this curent interest off yours was going to fail.People always do this sort off bullshit when they arent genuienly inlove with the other person wich you clearly werent.

>>17868683
Op dont worry about it men are pussy whipped cucks who stay with their cheating girlfreinds and you have nothing to worry about.

>>17868595
>very close (male) friend
holy shit, every single time.
where do i find a girlfriend that has no friends

>>17868932
>you think he needs space or hearing i'm sorry more
-autism intensifies-
Rather...He needs more apologies. People at a psyhological lvl like being reasured that evrything is fine and being showered in apologies.

>>17868595
Yeah OP, there's no coming back from this, live and learn i guess.

>>17868970
this friend lives on another continent. he's really not my backup plan. i met him in a thread here on 4chan a long time ago and we kept in contact trough a throwaway skype for a while before moving to mail.
i have tried to pinpoint my reasons i kept talking to him. i guess i am too afraid of honest and open communication irl but i desperately need someone that knows me very well so he can help me sort things out. i know this person should be my bf, but i am NOT used to talk to anyone like that. let alone someone i want to keep around for the rest of my life. i was afraid, my honesty will drive him away . now my lack of honesty drove him away. how ironic

>>17868973
as awefull as that is, i hope it's true. i don't want to lose him...

>>17868996
>this friend lives on another continent. he's really not my backup plan.

That's good logic but doesn't hold true

>>17868985
the female friends of bf's make for a lot of troubles too. i can assure you...

>>17868994
i'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or serious...


i've typed this out but i feel like it will only disgust him to read this.

>i'm afraid of suffocating you instead of giving you the space you need right now. i want to keep you very close because i am terrified of losing you.

i've just read trough the messages you have seen again and i am so sorry... i fucked up so badly. i wish you can one day forgive me and trust me again.

i know i've hurt you really badly. i know i could lose you. i hope you can be bigger than all my shortcomings and give me a second chance.

i've written him and attached screenshots of my message.

i love you.

>>17869025
>the female friends of bf's make for a lot of troubles too. i can assure you...
then don't date a guy who has female friends.
it's not that hard.

>>17868998
i have zero intentions to be romantically involved with that guy. but ofc, i have no way of prooving that.

>>17869036
i haven't found one. infact, half a year ago my bf and i went trough a very similar situation, just with reversed roles and the female friend in question was also his ex but that just scares me more since i know exactly how he feels right now. it took me a lot to get over this. i hope he will be able to pull trough too.

>>17868595
>no romantic feelings
>>17868630
>him telling me "i love you"

God you really are dumb
Cognitive dissonance off the charts

now i feel even more guilty. i just got my friends answer and it sucks. it really sucks.

an excerpt:
>Wish I was a girl so we could at least remain friends, like we were and doing a good job at. Now you'll just be another painful memory.

kill me now...

>>17869088

What a melodramatic faglord. Obviously wants to be the little girl.

>>17869041
seriously?
you can't find a SINGLE man who doesn't have female friends?
oh, i get it, you just don't consider those who lack the traits that attract lots of girls to be "men"

>>17869092
he has tendencies to wanting to be a little girl, yes. i don't mind that. if it makes him happy, it makes me happy too

>>17869099
let's say, whenever i had a bf, things usually went south because of some "female friend". i'm sure there are guys out there with no female friends. i just never stumbled across one so far.

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>>17868595
Real talk, you need to break up with him

1. It doesn't matter if you had romantic feelings for this person or not. You shared an intimate relationship with them and you weren't open about this with your partner. That was extremely thoughtless of you.

2. Upon figuring this out, your partner has likely lost all trust in you. Trust is a sacred bond, and you've either got it or you don't. It doesn't matter how much you reassure him or what measures you take. He will always mistrust you.

3. This mistrust will only cause stress and pain for your partner. You both might try to keep the relationship going, he might even think that he's forgiven you, but it's going to hurt him in the long run. He's going to dwell on it and every little thing will remind him of the fact that you apparently saw no problem with betraying his trust.

4. The only reason to keep this relationship going is out of your own selfish desire. If you were a good person, you would end the relationship and try to learn from this so that you won't fuck up your relationships going forward.

>>17869088
>I'm going to cut off all contact with this friend
>immediately read his response

You're still fucking doing it

>>17869025
>i'm afraid of suffocating you instead of giving you the space you need right now. i want to keep you very close because i am terrified of losing you.

>i've just read trough the messages you have seen again and i am so sorry... i fucked up so badly. i wish you can one day forgive me and trust me again.

>i know i've hurt you really badly. i know i could lose you. i hope you can be bigger than all my shortcomings and give me a second chance.

>i've written him and attached screenshots of my message.

>i love you

should i send this or will this just drive him away further?

>>17869137
i told my bf that i will text him one last time to say goodbye and explain that i won't write him anymore. ofc i will read his answer to that text...

>>17869041
>half a year ago my bf and i went trough a very similar situation
Big surprise, so you don't trust your BF either.

This relationship sounds extremely dysfunctional. No wonder you were confiding in another man.

>>17869125
i can see what you're getting at and i agree to some extend. but i was on the "receiving end" of similariy shattered trust and i came to trust him just the same again. it took him cutting all contact, reassuring me of his love and about 6 weeks but after that, it felt like my trust was the same, if not deeper than before...

>>17868985
You know what is funny that women actually believe that some men dont want to have sex with them and that their fucking male friends are actual friends.

>>17869148
i am aware that we don't have the best relationship mankind ever saw. but atleast we are trying. i do trust him. but it hurt like a motherfucker when it happened.

>>17869163
i never tought it was possible but i wanted to believe it could be. guess i fucked myself over in the process

>>17868678
This, and there is a reason men and women cannot really be friends. If you have guy problems, it says a lot about you if you go to a guy (instead of a girl since you are a girl) about guy problems. Unless this best "friend" of yours is so gay that he will choke on 4 cocks you send him, then okay, he might be able to help. But the fact that you went to this dude, knowing he is straight, is just fucked up. That bf of yours is whipped hard, OP. gl.

>>17869111
you have stumbled accross plenty.
your issue is that you are only attracted to the type of men who surround themselves with women. consider the traits of those men, and try to avoid them.

>>17869157
>i came to trust him just the same again.
No, you didn't
You might think you did, but you didn't.
Look at what you're doing RIGHT FUCKING NOW you're still talking about it and using it as a justification for your own shitty, mistrustful actions.

Your relationship is dysfunctional and the only reason to keep it going is your own selfish desires. You're hurting yourself and you're hurting your BF. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth.

Either accept it, or keep posting until somebody tells you what you want to hear.

>>17869174
it's true that i can't confide in girls like that. they seem to always be so irrational (the irony, i know...). so, what does that say about me? i don't have a lot of friends. exactly because i can't really have close friendships with females and having male friends irl is even more drama so i cut that out.

and besides, he IS kinda atleast bi. definitely delving into trap territory... but i guess that doesn't change anything. he's still straight by his own definition

>>17869175
i don't mean they swim in female friends. but one usually is enough. my bf for example: he has a lot of male friends. and he has had one female friend. who turned out to actually be an ex. who tumhen turned out to still habe romantic feelings for him. so i asked him tl cut contact. which he did. but only after i asked him to. it might be a pattern of dating i have, you're right

>>17869176
so you think it is possible to have a relationship, grow old together without ever hurting one another or breaking the trust you have in your oartner or vice versa?
i suspect there would not be any couples left that are together for more than 2 years if you'd break up whenever something like that comes along.

but i might be seriously mistaking. i'm not an expert in relationships as you can clearly see

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>>17869163
its some impressive cognitive dissonance to genuinely believe that they are attractive to the opposite sex, but someone, while both of you are single and prefer each others gender, who enjoys spending time with you, and likes your personality doesn't want to date you

most of them have been hit on so they certainly don't think that they are just too physically unattractive

it all boils down to "i'm not physically attracted to him, therefore he has a mental block preventing him to wanting sex with me"

there is literally NO reason you wouldn't want to date someone available who you find attractive and enjoy spending time with

>>17869205
>i suspect there would not be any couples left that are together for more than 2 years if you'd break up whenever something like that comes along.

Well, you suspect wrong. ;) the situation described in OP is not at all common, and those cases often gravitate towards 4chan for a reason.

i'm in a similar situation but i'm the ''''bestfriend'''',and to be honest you should die,cause of what you did,you did one or both of those two (breaking his heart if he ''loved'' you,and ending a friendship that is OLDER than you relationship with your bf),your bf is insecure af too,but you are the one to blame in either case.

>>17869272
to add to this,it's already fucked up,you friendship with that guy is ruined,and your relationship with your bf is ruined,you have to choose one or keep both,but either way both are ruined and are on their way to end.

>>17868637
Well no shit. Come on man, empathy really isn't that hard. Besides I thought women were supposed to be more "emotionally intelligent" than men.

Anyways, I have sort of thr same thing goin with a female friend, but no I love yous.

That shit is a no brainer.

Also try not to bitch to him about your relationship. It's always a red flag when one person goes to the opposite sex friend whenever the relationship goes sour.

Maybe just be honest with yourself and your bf that sometimes you have a little emotional connection with someone else, but that your bf is still the most important. If that's what you want, you have to give him the freedom to do the same as well.

But caveat, I'm a person who does poly relationships. I think people too often try to box themselves into "standard relationship" patterns. Poly stuff is harder and riskier at first, but I think more rewarding and straight-forward.

You wanna know how to save your relationship with your bf OP? Show him this thread. Trust me.

>>17868595
I've been in your situation, albeit there wasn't a lot of sexual tension and this guy friend goes back to highschool for me

First: Admit that you've hurt him. It alleviates his pain to hear you admit to your fault and have made yourself aware of his own emotions. It sounds gay, but that's human psychology for you

Second: Develop a "no-secret" policy. This should have been one of your earliest discussion as soon as you two realize you want the rlts to be serious. Keep absolutely no secrets from each other, this is to honor the intimacy and trust you two have for each other. If you or him have an issue with this "wide-open" policy, then there's intimacy/trust issues to work on
>you both get all the passwords to each other phones, Fb, emails, etc etc... The only exception I would make is any banking/financial information
>no secret conversations, texts, exchanges of any sort
>admit to each other of any attraction you feel towards other people, then work hard to deliberately avoid these people to honor your rlts

I know my guidelines sound harsh and control freak-esque, but this is what happens when you break someone's trust. You've planted a doubt, a paranoia in your boyfriend's head and it's never going away without making yourself absolutely transparent in everything you do. Good luck

>>17869163
Eh, thats not true. I'm a guy and have several women friends and I think about these in particular like they are my sisters. And friends. But majority of other girls, yeah. Would sex them